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Posted

I don't understand the " I don't want you anymore, but I still want to be your friend" speech. My ex boyfriend and I have broken up over 3months now, and he called me the other day and said he still wanted me in his life. I told him that there is no point in being friends because I needed to get over him, and if we couldn't make it in a relationship I don't know if a "friendship" could make it. He got mad at me. He told me I didn't care about him, and that if I did I would want him as a friend. What is up with that? I do love him, but being his friend won't help me get over him like I need to do. Am I being weird for not being his friend? Can you still be close friends with someone who you love?

Posted
I don't understand the " I don't want you anymore, but I still want to be your friend" speech. My ex boyfriend and I have broken up over 3months now, and he called me the other day and said he still wanted me in his life. I told him that there is no point in being friends because I needed to get over him, and if we couldn't make it in a relationship I don't know if a "friendship" could make it. He got mad at me. He told me I didn't care about him, and that if I did I would want him as a friend. What is up with that? I do love him, but being his friend won't help me get over him like I need to do. Am I being weird for not being his friend? Can you still be close friends with someone who you love?

 

My boyfriend and I are on-the-rocks right now. I anticipate that if things don't work out that he will want to remain friends with me, as well. I'm not much for holding grudges and but it doesn't mean that I want to be his friend, either.

 

I don't think that all love relationships are convertable to friendships once the love part has been removed. A love relationship is made up of many parts, including friendship. But sometimes that friendship is not meant to stand on its own, once it is removed from the context of the love relationship.

 

I'm friends with some exes from my past but not all of them. Some of them never turned to friendships because of the way that things ended. One ended really badly and really horrible things were said by both of us. One ended in such a way that I lost respect for the man...if I don't respect you I don't want to be friends with you.

 

I think that the bottomline is that if you don't feel like being friends with him, then don't. You don't owe it to him, and how awful for him to be trying to pressure/guilt you into being his friend?

 

*laugh* Is there a possibility that he's hoping to be 'more than friends' and he thinks that this is his way into your pants without having a relationship with you? Sorry, no offense intended...it just popped into my head.

Posted

You aren't weird for not wanting to be friends...I think you're smart for realizing that it won't work.

 

I have remained friends with exes before...but only because the relationship wasn't serious and we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. In a case where one or both people is having a hard time coping with the break up/still has feelings, I don't think friendship is possible without causing some damage. In my experience, a guy I dated was "friends" with an ex and it caused problems for ALL OF US.

 

I would just explain to him that friendship won't work for you, even though you DO care about him and miss him. Then it's NC. Maybe someday you'll move on enough to be able to keep each other updated on things, but I think it's unrealistic to be close friends like he seems to want to be. He may be keeping you on the back burner or hoping to lean on you while he works on moving on. Or maybe he really is just conflicted because he still cares about your well-being. Even so, until enough time has passed that neither of you harbors romantic feelings for the other, a close healthy friendship probably won't be possible.

Posted
I don't understand the " I don't want you anymore, but I still want to be your friend" speech. My ex boyfriend and I have broken up over 3months now, and he called me the other day and said he still wanted me in his life. I told him that there is no point in being friends because I needed to get over him, and if we couldn't make it in a relationship I don't know if a "friendship" could make it. He got mad at me. He told me I didn't care about him, and that if I did I would want him as a friend. What is up with that? I do love him, but being his friend won't help me get over him like I need to do. Am I being weird for not being his friend? Can you still be close friends with someone who you love?

 

It means that he wants to keep you around incase his other options don't work out or he needs a booty call. From a man it means "I like you enough to maybe have sex with you later but I am not IN love with you."

 

You're right to not want to be friends with an ex. It's nothing personal, it's just something you need to do to heal and move on. The longer you maintain a friendship with someone you are in love with but can not have the longer it takes to heal.

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Posted

I am not going to be someones option. However, I doubt it is for the booty call because he lives far away. He just really confuses the hell out of me. He asked me if I had been on any dates and if anyone has tried to kiss me. I don;t know why he would care about personal information like that. I e-mailed him to wish him a Happy New Years but I regret it now. Maybe I should of just left it alone. He said he wanted to be alone for awhile to figure things out and thats fine with me. I just don't get how someone can say that they still love you, yet doesn't want to be with you. Maybe its just me..but that line doesn't make any sense. When you break up with someone the pain is so much but with each day it gets better. However, I hate when out of nowhere the pain comes back. I feel bitter after my breakup and I'm finding it hard to open up to other people. Does anyone else have that problem?

Posted

Every relationship has desirable and undesirable aspects. Breaking up with someone eliminates the undesirable parts of a relationship from your life while "friends after the breakup" is a way of keeping the desireable parts of a relationship in your life. Asking someone to be friends after a breakup basically means that you are still holding on to some parts of them, even after the love you have for them fades to the point of a breakup.

 

Yes, you can still have love for a person you break up with, but by the time the break happens - it isn't enough love left to keep it going, but just enough to keep from completely letting go. Hence, the "friends" thing.

 

I don;t know why he would care about personal information like that.

 

Because he hasn't completely let go. Just because he broke up with you, doesn't mean that he has lost all of his memories of what it was like to be with you in happier times. It is the nostalgia factor kicking in - even though he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he doesn't want to share those happy times he had with you with anyone else right now. Breaking up with someone isn't like flipping a switch. Its a gradual letting go. He reached and passed the initial 'letting go' stage, now he has to let go of memories and nostalgic feelings he still has for you. Never mistake that for 'wanting to get back together' though. It is just another stage of letting go.

 

He said he wanted to be alone for awhile to figure things out and thats fine with me.

 

Hopefully you'll take some time of your own without contacting him in any way, or accepting any contact from him. Both of you need time completely away from each other right now.

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