Need on relationship-trust/jealously issue

[Hoping for the Dream]

First time poster here, but I am really at a loss for what I need to do with my life. Here is my situation, my wife and I have been married for almost two years now and have a 6 week old new born. I also have an 8 year old step son. Prior to getting married my wife and I dated for about 5 years and lived together while we were engaged. I thought everything was great but prior to our marriage my wife said she needed some time and was unsure of everthing.

 

I lived in the home for about 3 weeks and then moved out staying on friends couches, etc. I would go over to our home to watch my then-not step son to help out and would often ask her if we could talk. She continued to state that she needed time and really would not discuss our future. I brought her flowers and at times cried to her on the phone that I just wanted to know where everything was going. All she focused on was asking me to come and move my things out of the house. Now after about 6-8 weeks of this, I started to lose hope and started to go out with my friends.

 

My self-confidence was a little down as I was embarrassed that 1) my marriage was called off, and 2) I was living on friends couches and occasionally my parents house. One night I met "just a girl" and we went out to get a few drinks. Eventually, we ended up back at her house were we did not have sex, but we did have some sexual contact. I initially lied to my wife about the extent of our interaction, but I did inform her that we went out.

 

Over the course of a month or two after, we got back together and discovered that this girl had an STD (curable STD, no after affects now). This was shocking news to me as I did not have strong contact with this girl and obvious crushing news to my now fiancee again as she saw me as both a liar and as someone who in her words "moved on rather quickly". Now my wife did go on dates and mess around with someone on this break as well but not to the extent that I did and not with the damaging results.

 

We had many intense battles over this incident and ended up getting married. However, my wife still has many trust factors with me and claims she will never forgive me for what I did. I assumed that once we were married things would eventually be okay. My wife also checked my work email ( a few years ago) and twisted a few emails to a woman co-worker (who works in another city) into a "full blown affair" that I have not admitted to, and also continues to bring this up in arguments.

 

This is so absolutely off-base I have a hard time even acknowleding it. As you can see, my wife is having a hard time forgiving me for my "indiscretions" while we were on a break. I understand her anger but I have spent years talking to her and trying to move on. We did not have any issues while we were together. This only occured once, while she really did not want much to do with me because she was "trying to figure things out" Part of me has a hard time with this, as the break was not something I wanted and she called off the wedding, etc.

 

Regardless we are married now and at times we do not discuss this incident for weeks or months, but it eventually always come back up and turns into a 2-3 day fight. As I told her, this one situation does not make me a pathological liar or a cheat. She has even stated she wants me to get a lie detector test to prove I am being truthful, which I have agreed to, but has not happened. I want to move forward and have asked for her forgiveness. I feel we have spent so much time on this (2 years now) that it is getting ridiculous. I have great visions for us in the future and don't want a divorce, especially with a new born.

 

What do I do? I have written her letters, offered counseling, read books, been so open to her needs at the expense of my own, etc. I really feel as if I have done all I can. I do understand her viewpoint but I can't change the past. I did not cheat on her while we were together. Now she brings up every little incident from 8 years ago.

[WhisperingWillow]

Ok here goes. You don't need to ask for forgiveness, this was a break and in my opinion anything goes during a break. She told you to get your things, she was unsure of the future, and you stated that she went out with someone else and even fooled around a bit.

 

Too bad you caught something, but the bright news is it was curable. I'd be asking myself why she has all these trust issues with you? Has she possibly done something herself that she's not proud of and is projecting that guilt upon you thinking you might have done the same thing? Just a suggestion here, but in my opinion you have nothing to apologize for honestly. In any case that doesn't help here. What can help here is some counseling. Yes I said counseling. You two need marital counseling. Maybe she needs a little IC too, ie individual counseling.

 

There is nothing you can do. You apologized, she hasn't forgiven but I think there is something deeper going on and I for one would want to get to the bottom of that. Only way may be in counseling but still. I feel for you and hope you get through this.

[Djaba]

I'd be asking myself why she has all these trust issues with you? Has she possibly done something herself that she's not proud of and is projecting that guilt upon you thinking you might have done the same thing?....

I have to say that this also concerns me, based on my own relationship past. It was kind of an eye-opener for me, but I'm much more inclined now to be cautious (even suspicious) of other people's "trust / insecurity / jealousy" issues.

 

If there was anything for you to apologise for, it sounds like you've long since done so, more than adequately. I would also strongly second the recommendation for counselling - either couples counselling or even just individual counselling on your own.

 

Best of luck.