my husband of 11 years cheated on me

[jwbm2]

I have been married to my husband for 11 years and we have 3 children. His job has forced him to work out of town (7 hours away) for the last 8 months with him coming home approx. 2 times a month. His trips home seemed normal and phone conversations were normal until about a month ago. All of a sudden he would only call 2 times a day. Once when he was off work just to say he was off and that's it and he would call at night when he was going to bed just to say he was going to bed. For almost a month we did not have more than a two minute conversation at a time. He would turn his cell phone off or just not answer it at all. His trips home he just seemed so anxious. When I confronted him about not answering his phone he would just say he was stressed at work. I kept begging him to please tell me what was wrong and he would always say nothing. But he was always so short on the phone and distant to me. I guess he finally cracked one day and told me the truth on our answering machine. What a coward. When I finally did talk to him he said the affair had been going on for 3 months. Since I found out the truth a month ago, it almost seems that my husband has a split personality. One day he will call and just be so hateful toward me and blame the affair on me and the next day he will call and try to be apologetic. I almost hate to answer the phone because I don't know which side of my husband will be on the other end. He is like a stranger to me. One day he says lets work it out and the next day he wants to be with this woman. I can't stand the constant ups and downs. I told him that there might be a chance to work things out if he would just leave this woman alone but he keeps calling her. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever trust him again much less sleep with him. I am just so disgusted by this affair that it has consumed my mind every waking moment. If anyone has advice I will certainly welcome it.

 

Thanks

[Jolene]

This is an obvious form of marriage crisis. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and be alone to take care of three children.

 

If you want to overcome this infidelity, it will take two to tango. You will need to hire a professional. It is beyond your capability and that of your husband.

 

So if you want to see it through and he wants to move forward and work at the marriage, pick up the phone and call someone for help.

 

If, however, he wants to see what it's like to have two wives and you are okay with his mood swings when she is mean or distant, that is up to you. I know a woman who accepts this kind of arrangement and her husband has a one year old now with the other woman. The two women keep a distance from each other, but the baby seems to bring joy to everyone involved. Horrible thought for you, I know.

 

Do you think your husband is sometimes receiving pressure from the other woman, and he resents you when this happens. This is purely speculative.

 

But with 3 children, you need to make some decisions. Your children will feel it in the air if you choose to ignore it.

 

First things first, if possible, he needs to realize that his work schedule is not conducive to a healthy family life balance.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. If you need legal advice, you can seek that out as well, but don't let him know. You might need to put your ducks in a row...I mean, be smart about providing for your children.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

No advice. Just wanted to say that I'm terribly sorry about your situation. It's hard not to go a little nuts when you are not only way laid by the betrayal but being blamed for HIS choices, being begged back, being told everything you are dying to hear then having that pulled out from under you by his actions, then you go back for more. I called it the "hold me and tell me lies syndrome" and for some time after D day I craved it. Doesn't go away until acceptance finally comes. Good luck to you.

[WhisperingWillow]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this but I would not TOLERATE it for a moment. Not at all. If he wants to belittle you and berate you and blame you for everything then I say you don't answer the phone at all. I know that may be a little tough but if he were sorry and wanted to work it out, after you not answering the phone, he'd come home and do everything he could do to put his marriage right and treat you better. You did NOTHING wrong.

 

I would start by next time he calls you you tell him exactly how you feel and that you feel the way he told you was cowardly, you do not have to hold your tongue in this situation and take the crap that he feeds you. No way.Tell him that you need some time to think, after all there are children involved, tell him that you need your space. There is nothing like a little NC to make a man think about it a little and light a fire under their bottoms.

 

Do NOT answer his calls. He needs to be in person to take care of this, I'm sure he can swing it. Personal days, sick days, etc. I would stop fretting adn start doing something about it. Time to take your life by the strings and pull it together. I'm not telling you to leave him but I'm telling you that he needs to be proving everything he can to keep you and those children and make amends.

 

Now as for your part in this, you need to get some IC (individual counseling), when he does come home you both need the marital counseling. You need to keep yourself together. Don't push him, you deserve to know what went wrong, but don't push, don't nag him, leave name calling out of it, after all we're adults. Start keeping care of yourself so you can stay healthy inside and out, and also if you need to keep busy then you can do that with three children. I would also, assuming things keep going downhill, get some legal advice. I feel for you, but know you can get over this. Where there's a will there's a way.

[Ladyjane14]

What is it that YOU want to do?

 

If you're done with him, you've got a perfect 'out'. All you have to do is take your evidence to an attorney and sue him for divorce. Siting grounds of adultery will shorten the length of the process in most states. (I hope you kept that recording, btw. It's your husband's voice speaking into a device which is specifically designed to record voices. This is wholly different from recording someone without permission. I can't imagine it wouldn't be admissable in court.)

 

If you're not done with him.... there are still things you can do. My first recommendation to you would be to read a copy of Suriving An Affair by Harley and to read through the information on HT Survive Infidelty at Harley's site, marriagebuilders.com. This program is the best one IMHO, and can put the tools in your hands to deal with this affair. (I can't really recommend the forums in good conscience though, so I would avoid those if I were you.)

 

You might do well to read a copy of Divorce Busting too. The author, Michelle Weiner Davis, also has a website which you can peruse.

[Lonestar]

This has to be one of the toughest situations for anyone to go through. I have no advice because I don't know what I'd do if this happened, but my heart goes out to you.

 

Maybe you need to take a break from him, stop talking, don't answer the phone for awhile, and then get yourself in counseling to sort your feelings out. I'm sorry.

[outofdarkness]

I have been married to my husband for 11 years and we have 3 children. His job has forced him to work out of town (7 hours away) for the last 8 months with him coming home approx. 2 times a month. His trips home seemed normal and phone conversations were normal until about a month ago. All of a sudden he would only call 2 times a day. Once when he was off work just to say he was off and that's it and he would call at night when he was going to bed just to say he was going to bed. For almost a month we did not have more than a two minute conversation at a time. He would turn his cell phone off or just not answer it at all. His trips home he just seemed so anxious. When I confronted him about not answering his phone he would just say he was stressed at work. I kept begging him to please tell me what was wrong and he would always say nothing. But he was always so short on the phone and distant to me. I guess he finally cracked one day and told me the truth on our answering machine. What a coward. When I finally did talk to him he said the affair had been going on for 3 months. Since I found out the truth a month ago, it almost seems that my husband has a split personality. One day he will call and just be so hateful toward me and blame the affair on me and the next day he will call and try to be apologetic. I almost hate to answer the phone because I don't know which side of my husband will be on the other end. He is like a stranger to me. One day he says lets work it out and the next day he wants to be with this woman. I can't stand the constant ups and downs. I told him that there might be a chance to work things out if he would just leave this woman alone but he keeps calling her. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever trust him again much less sleep with him. I am just so disgusted by this affair that it has consumed my mind every waking moment. If anyone has advice I will certainly welcome it.

 

Thanks

I am so very sorry for your pain..I discovered my H had been having A's for over 10 years when we had been married for 18! It's devastating and really puts a huge dent in your self confidence...In my case, my H was willing to go NC and attend MC and IC. That was over two years ago and we are still trying. Things are much better now, and we believe our marriage is much stronger, but I will never completely trust him again. I can forgive but it's mighty hard to ever forget! Good luck and God Bless!

[jwbm2]

The forgetting. Is it ever possible to get the images and thoughts out of your head. It is driving me crazy. My husband says he will go to counseling. But what will counseling do for him. Just like a slap on the wrist and don't do it again. Me on the other hand, it's not like counseling can take this out of my mind. I don't believe I can ever truly trust him and how do you ever sleep with your husband again after knowing what he has done.

[JamesM]

First, I am sorry for all the pain you are enduring. Nothing he says or does will take away what he has already done.

 

The only thing that will help take away the lack of trust is a rebuilding of trust. This will take a lot of commitment from both. But he will need to be accountable for every moment of every day...if he wants you to trust him. He will need to be patient while you work through your grief, anger, and doubt. Sadly enough, this may make him want someone else unless he builds "hedges" to prevent another affair.

 

Why did he come back to you? Was it because she dumped him...or did he dump her? The importance of this is simply...what is his motivation for returning? Is he willing to change jobs so that he doesn't need to be out of town?

 

As for you sleeping with him, you do it on your own terms. He must prove he is worthy of your love again. Sex is not a given in marriage (don't I know! ), but the "right" has been revoked by him. Now he must earn that back. How long before you can have sex without thinking of her? From what I read...a long time. Some women never get over it. Others can move on in a few months.

 

IMO Counseling is important. Not only couples counseling, but individual counseling for you. Personally, I think the IC will be an outlet for you to vent your anger and find reasonable answers. MC for the two of you will give you a third party who can help you work thru the issues that have resulted in an affair.

 

(BTW, your marriage may have been perfect. This may simply have been him seeking out temptation while on the road.)

[silktricks]

Forgiveness comes when it comes, if it comes. If your husband is still seeing the other woman, then forgiveness on your part is a little premature. As LJ said, you have a choice. And you probably need to do some thinking about what you really want now. Take your time, think things through. Don't jump in any direction until you are fully and completely sure of what direction is best for YOU. Don't let anyone pressure you.

 

If you husband wants to make things right with you, then he also needs to understand that he can no longer spend months away from his family. Monetary issues are one thing - and a big one - but the family must come first. He also can NOT see the other woman. If he wants to do so, then you'll need to come to some hard decisions yourself.

 

Good luck to you.