Living together before even getting engaged?

[techgirl]

Wasn't sure which forum this should go in...so I chose this one, since I'm not married or engaged...

 

Do you think you should live with someone before marrying them, or even getting engaged to them?

 

I can see both sides of this and I need some opinions. I've only lived with one boyfriend and that's because it was either he live with me or I didn't see him at all (long story.) I wasn't ready for this and I was very relieved when he left. I was also about 2 years younger than I am now, and I've definitely done some growing up.. My boyfriend and I (of almost a year) were talking about living together but I'm actually kinda scared of it. We stay together a lot, sometimes 4 or 5 days in a row, and things are fine when we do, but 4 and 5 days is a big difference from 4 or 5 months/years/a lifetime. He has his own house, so we wouldn't have to look for a place. I'm just scared we'd get tired of each other. We both have 8-4:30 jobs, so we wouldn't be home together all day, and I have school when I'm not working full time. We know that we need our space, and are both computer geeks, so I don't think space from each other would be an issue, but I know that waking up to someone and coming home to someone every day is a lot different than just doing it for a few days in a row.

 

Help?

[Buttaflyy]

Wasn't sure which forum this should go in...so I chose this one, since I'm not married or engaged...

 

Do you think you should live with someone before marrying them, or even getting engaged to them?

 

I can see both sides of this and I need some opinions. I've only lived with one boyfriend and that's because it was either he live with me or I didn't see him at all (long story.) I wasn't ready for this and I was very relieved when he left. I was also about 2 years younger than I am now, and I've definitely done some growing up.. My boyfriend and I (of almost a year) were talking about living together but I'm actually kinda scared of it. We stay together a lot, sometimes 4 or 5 days in a row, and things are fine when we do, but 4 and 5 days is a big difference from 4 or 5 months/years/a lifetime. He has his own house, so we wouldn't have to look for a place. I'm just scared we'd get tired of each other. We both have 8-4:30 jobs, so we wouldn't be home together all day, and I have school when I'm not working full time. We know that we need our space, and are both computer geeks, so I don't think space from each other would be an issue, but I know that waking up to someone and coming home to someone every day is a lot different than just doing it for a few days in a row.

 

Help?

 

IMO, it doesn't sound like it's the best thing for you. Especially, if you'd be giving up your place and moving into his house.

[norajane]

From what you posted, you sound uncertain, scared, and not ready. Is there a reason that you do think it might be a good idea?

 

You also said that you've been talking about it together. Have you expressed your concerns to him? What are his reasons for wanting to live together?

[silentcharon]

If you are having doubts, don't do it. Listen to your gut feelings!

 

I believe it's a good idea to live together for a while before getting engaged/married- since it will allow you tol see if the person is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. It's the only way to see if your lifestyle is compatiable with his. I lived with the ex for four years- I saw him everyday and enjoyed my time with him.

 

However, now that we broke up- the moving out bit was a huge hassle for me, and I don't think I want to go through something like that again with just anyone. If I saw potential with someone new, yes, I'd move out with him, but if I was having doubts like you seem to be, I wouldn't.

 

I'm currently living on my own and dating someone new- if he ever asked me to move in with him, I would say no because right now I'm enjoying being on my own. There are pros and cons that you must weigh out and decide for yourself.

 

pro for your own place- You worry about your own mess, and you do what you want in your own place. You come and go as you please, without having to answer to anyone. You decorate your place the way you want.

 

pro for living with him- You also enjoy additional things like sharing dinners with him, sharing the same bed, doing things like making a home together, etc. bills are generally cheaper. He can take care of you sometimes.

 

con for your own place- you come home alone, it gets lonely sometimes- you have to take care of yourself 100% of the time when you are at home.

 

con for living with him- A lot of things have potential for fights, like overdue bills, laundry, dirty dishes, who has to do what, whatnot. People begin to take each other for granted since they're always together day in and out.

 

It's interesting- I have noted that people who are dating who do not live together, when they see each other, they value the time they spend together. The tables turn when they move in, they place more value on their time AWAY from their so's, in order to continue to value the time they have with their so's.

 

You choose. Like I said, if you have doubts, don't do it.

[dropdeadlegs]

It is smart of you to see that there is a big difference between extended visits and true living together. I am having some of the same thoughts and fears.

 

I stay at my BF's home often, sometimes for a weekend, sometimes for a week, and once for nearly three months. Everything goes well for us, too. I still believe we are on our best most tolerant behavior in some ways because we always know that the visits will end. When we are apart in our own homes we speak at least twice daily and I honestly miss his presence. I also get to watch whatever I want on TV, cook or not cook the evening meal, answer my door or not, etc.

 

My head tells me that if we cannot live together maybe we are not right for one another after all. My heart is somewhat afraid to risk it at all. We both have kids that would be affected by this too and I think that living together might change the dynamics of our relationships with each others children. I wouldn't dream of disciplining his daughter in any way in his home, but if it were also my home would that change?

 

If we live together I would move to his place, like you. Would I ever feel like it was "my" home? He currently includes me in many decisions involving his home and property, often calls it "our" place, yet I still wonder if I would be able to completely feel like it was mine. He currently lives in a mobile home and will be upgrading to a larger one in the spring with the idea that at some point, probably sooner than later, that we will all live there. Most of my furnishings are in much better condition than his, which are mostly hand me downs from others. Some of these furnishings would have to go and I truly feel like it should be most of his stuff that goes. Will he be able to stand the idea that his mobile home would be filled with mostly my stuff?

 

On top of all of this, we have absolutely no plans of getting married, so no engagement is necessary. Basically if we were to break up I would be forced to find another home. I currently rent, but I fear that rents could be much higher than what I am currently paying years down the road. We would still maintain our separate expenses in the way of auto loans, insurance, credit cards, cell phones, but could combine and split some expenses such as utilities (electricity, gas, phone, cable, internet), which would give both of us more pocket money than paying double those bills individually. However, he insists that the monthly payment for the new home would have to be within his own budget (presumably in the event of a break up causing the loss of my income.) So I would contribute to the payment for the home, yet never have any actual equity in it.

 

It's a lot to consider and think about and sometimes it does seem a little scary. Still, I cannot see living apart forever either. I don't know which would be best either, but wanted to share some of my concerns on the same subject. I don't see us breaking up, but I do think that living together could change some of the dynamics of our relationship in both good ways and maybe not so good ways. It's a big leap and we are taking this decision very seriously. We have been together for two years, FYI.

[Buttaflyy]

It's interesting- I have noted that people who are dating who do not live together, when they see each other, they value the time they spend together. The tables turn when they move in, they place more value on their time AWAY from their so's, in order to continue to value the time they have with their so's.

 

All very good points but this one really sticks out in my case. While I love living with my SO, we really do tend to take one another for granted. Lately, I find myself reminiscing on the time before we "moved in". Those days will never come back.

 

OP, don't rush anything if you're not ready. And really think about letting go of your place to move in with him. There's a big difference between living together and living with him. Most times, it will come up during an argument or hard time. I'd hate for you to feel that.

[Jolene]

Hello:

 

From a legal standpoint, this is a huge decision not to be taken lightly.

 

In Canada, when people get married, one spouse cannot sell the house (assuming the house is owned by one or both partners jointly), without the written consent of the other, even if one of the spouses took sole ownership of the house before the marriage took place. This aspect of the law provides an opportunity for one spouse to settle up with the other in a court of law in the case of a pending divorces situation. As his wife, your right to possession of the matrimonial home is also not a right that is waivable in a prenuptial agreement either.

 

That is the only tangible difference for living together vs. being married.

 

When you simply live with someone, you are making a financial arrangement that bears the same risks and without an automatic remedy in the case of a breakup. It is a serious aspect of any union; business, marriage or otherwise. Why would anybody treat that with anything less than full and undeniable seriousness? If things don't work out, you still would have the right to claim equity on the house proportionate to your contributions as a room-mate/contract situation. But you would have to hire a lawyer and pay legal fees just like you would if you were legally married. It costs if you want to reclaim upon dissolution of the relationship, not to mention the emotional crisis that underlies if you do find yourself packing to leave "his" house when things go badly. Looks like you have more to lose than he does.

 

On a more positive note, when you are READY (which isn't any time soon), you will know if you want to make this kind of serious commitment. If he is the one suggesting you make this move, it could be that he wants a financial arrangement or he wants a combination of all the good things that come with a mature commited relationship. If he wants the relationship to move forward, be willing to wait a bit longer for marriage and children. I believe, due to my past experiences with men, there is a stalling period for that commitment to marriage if you live together and that is because all the benefits of marriage are already on the table and you will both be less inspired to impress each other or convince each other that you are capable of an everlasting commitment.

 

Some people live together and never get legally married and it works for them. Good luck!

 

P.S. true story: I knew a nice lovely woman (not me, although I am also a nice lovely woman), who lived with a man who over a few years time, took almost $100,000.00 from her in the form of proportional contributions to mortgage payments and renovations on his house where they lived, some of the childcare costs for his children, and meanwhile insisting that she declare her own mortgaged property as the matrimonial home...very clever. Before she made any further decisions, he told her to get out and that he was having an affair with someone he was in love with. The new girl now lives with him, and the lovely young woman has spent time and money trying to regain some of the costs of a ruined "financial arrangement". She didn't deserve that.

 

P.S.S. Just be careful.. You're right to be cautious, so figure out why you get a weird feeling. Just wait it out until it's your idea as well as his. Otherwise, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[alphamale]

Do you think you should live with someone before marrying them, or even getting engaged to them?

personally i don't think its a good idea and i would never do it myself. why in heck would I want some woman on my ass 24/7/365 unless she was my wife?

 

then again, i probably won't get married again anyways

[techgirl]

i see the side of every piece of advice posted, which is why this is hard. i currently don't live on my own. i live with my mother, but pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, etc. when i'm at my boyfriend's house, we have our chores figured out. i wash dishes, he does laundry unless i have some that needs to be done, and then i do my own and some of his. he cuts the grass, i sweep the floors, etc. he can take care of himself, for sure, and pays all of his own bills, so i don't really have to worry about him needing me for financial reasons, we would split them evenly. he told me that he wants to live together because he wants us to wake up to each other and go to sleep together. we both have agreed that it's hard to go to sleep without each other. he often refers to it as "home" instead of "his house" ie, "are you ready to go home?" i would love to wake up to him every day, but maybe not quite yet. we've often talked about living together for a week or so just to see how it'd work. i definitely agree that dating someone who doesn't live with you is different, and that the time is definitely valued more. i can leave when i'd like and stay if i'd like. i can go home and sleep in my own bed now. but does this mean that maybe i'll never be ready to live with someone?

 

is it normal for me to be a little afraid of living together?

[Walk]

If we live together I would move to his place, like you.

 

He ... will be upgrading to a larger one in the spring with the idea that at some point, probably sooner than later, that we will all live there.

 

I would contribute to the payment for the home, yet never have any actual equity in it.

If you're both serious about living together why don't you both chip in for a larger home? Get your name on the title too? If for some reason the relationship ended, you would still be entitled to half the equity. On the other hand, if you don't move in with him, you'd be renting.. in which case, you'd be paying money into something in which you wouldn't get any equity from. I don't know about where you live, but spliting payment on mortgage would still be less than I could rent a 1 bedroom apartment for.

 

So yes, you lose equity if you're not on the title. But you don't gain equity leasing either. House payments can be more than rent payments, but splitting the cost of the mortgage payment could lower housing costs for both of you combined.

 

Most of my furnishings are in much better condition than his, which are mostly hand me downs from others. Some of these furnishings would have to go and I truly feel like it should be most of his stuff that goes. Will he be able to stand the idea that his mobile home would be filled with mostly my stuff?

OMG. Do NOT do that. My ex and I bought a house together (long time ago) and while we were moving in he was chucking my shyt out on the curb for garbage pickup. I was so resentful of him for doing that. How would you like having someone come into your house and tossing your stuff saying it was crap? It's not exactly the way to make a person feel like you want to "share" living together. More like you want to take over. Please don't do that. Find a comprimise if his stuff embarresses you. Ask that the room you entertain guests in has nice stuff, and then give him his own huge room to decorate and furnish as he chooses.

 

if we were to break up I would be forced to find another home.

I guess if you think this is a possible outcome, then don't move in with him. If you're mostly thinking about it in a vague kind of "IF" sense... then maybe what you could do is get a storage unit (They have some for like $30 a month) and store half of your stuff. Move a smaller portion in with you. If you find you need to break up with your bf, then most of your things are already safely stored somewhere else. If things are going fantastic and you're becoming more comfortable staying there, then move pieces in over time.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks Walk. I wasn't thinking about the equity thing that way and that is so true. Honestly, I would rather any money I spend go towards SOMEBODY (other than my landlord, haha) getting something out of it. I honestly believe that if living together didn't work for us, or we actually broke up, that I would certainly have respect and good will towards this man.

 

The furnishings thing is true too. Maybe the best option would be to have some of his, some of mine, and some items that we purchase together with the garage sale we would need to have.

 

As for breaking up, I am being "vague" about it. Things are great, but I am twice divorced so forever seems like a long time when people grow and change. However, we are both in our 40's and I think most of our growth and change have pretty much occurred already. We're kinda past most of life's growing pains and more about looking for someone to grow old with. two years ago I don't think either of us was even ready to consider living with another ever again, yet here we are; in love, missing each other when apart, and thinking about making yet another leap of faith.

 

As always, good advice and perspective that while addressed to me surely could be used by the OP. Thank you!

[Buttaflyy]

i see the side of every piece of advice posted, which is why this is hard. i currently don't live on my own. i live with my mother, but pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, etc. when i'm at my boyfriend's house, we have our chores figured out. i wash dishes, he does laundry unless i have some that needs to be done, and then i do my own and some of his. he cuts the grass, i sweep the floors, etc. he can take care of himself, for sure, and pays all of his own bills, so i don't really have to worry about him needing me for financial reasons, we would split them evenly. he told me that he wants to live together because he wants us to wake up to each other and go to sleep together. we both have agreed that it's hard to go to sleep without each other. he often refers to it as "home" instead of "his house" ie, "are you ready to go home?" i would love to wake up to him every day, but maybe not quite yet. we've often talked about living together for a week or so just to see how it'd work. i definitely agree that dating someone who doesn't live with you is different, and that the time is definitely valued more. i can leave when i'd like and stay if i'd like. i can go home and sleep in my own bed now. but does this mean that maybe i'll never be ready to live with someone?

 

is it normal for me to be a little afraid of living together?

 

Yes, your concerns are normal. You sound like you're thinking realistically actually. Maybe give it a try with a longer trail period then a week? In a week you're still "visiting" and things are still peachy keen.