Guest777 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 So you're in a wonderful, serious relationship. In fact, it will only be a matter of time before you get engaged. However, there's something (s) you haven't told them. Should you tell them before they propose, or should you wait after the proposal?
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 So you're in a wonderful, serious relationship. In fact, it will only be a matter of time before you get engaged. However, there's something (s) you haven't told them. Should you tell them before they propose, or should you wait after the proposal? If it is that bad of a thing that you consider that it needs to be told then you do it before.....
tikigods Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 before, its only fair they know what they are getting into before they get that emotionally attached (and spend the money on a ring)
dropdeadlegs Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Does this "skeleton" have any bearing on the relationship, either now or in the future? I think that something that could possibly come up in the future, no matter how unlikely, should be discussed before. An example would be a child you put up for adoption. If one was to suddenly show up your doorstep it would be difficult to explain not mentioning that. On the other hand, if you once contracted gonorrhea but have been treated and are disease free, you could keep that to yourself. It won't come up again to bite you. I don't think that everything about my past is relevant to my present or my future. However I am a very honest person and for the most part do not feel shame about my past and have often shared the most negative things about myself with others.
LaughMachine Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 You woulden't happen to have a real skeleton in the closet now would you? jk
Guest777 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Does this "skeleton" have any bearing on the relationship, either now or in the future? Well this "skeleton" thing is about my financial irresponsibility when I was younger. I made a mistake, and made steps to correct it. However, it did have a negative impact on my credit rating (and will stay for several years), and now I'm not too sure if I should tell him now or after he proposes. I know it's a big mistake and have definitely learned a lot from it, and will never make that same mistake ever again. It's not that I'm afraid of it, and I've always been an honest person... it's just that I don't know when to say it. We've already been talking about our future together. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Jolene Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I say tell him. I told my husband everything after week 3. Everything, and my dirty laundry was worse than that!!! If he is looking for a financial arrangement more than he is looking for someone that he loves and wants to be with forever, you might as well find out now rather than later. Your credit rating is entirely fixable!!!!!!!!!!! That's the good news.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Have you seen your credit rating recently? If you have corrected the situation you might be surprised at how quickly your rating improves. In your case I would tell him about it. It's not bad, pretty common, and you could just say "hey, just so you know my credit rating isn't all it should be" and explain your circumstances. I worked in the home mortgage business and people I wouldn't loan a dollar to are constantly approved for loans. It's a bit trickier, but anyone with the right circumstances can get a loan it's just that those with impeccable backgrounds get better terms.
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 It's not bad, I agree... this isn't a deal breaker type of skeleton providing it isn't a present issue going on and is part of your past.
Guest777 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I agree... this isn't a deal breaker type of skeleton providing it isn't a present issue going on and is part of your past. Okay... I filed for bankruptcy last year --- before I met him. Now I am starting fresh. I am definitely spending less and trying to save more. I have the opportunity to better myself, etc. I actually feel kind of embarrased about it as with all the stigma attached to it. But I am hoping he will see past that (which I think he will). Also, I am wondering... should we get married, will his credit rating get affected (I don't think it will, but am not 100% sure)?
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 He'd probably be thrilled to know you're somewhat falliable. Actually, it'd be showing him that you're responsible and you take care of your problems instead of ignore and neglect them. If it was still on going, and you hadn't put an ounce of effort into resolving it... then I would be worried about telling him. But what you did isn't a skeleton, it actually shows traits that are valuable in a life partner.
Grrlish Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Okay... I filed for bankruptcy last year --- before I met him. Now I am starting fresh. I am definitely spending less and trying to save more. I have the opportunity to better myself, etc. I actually feel kind of embarrased about it as with all the stigma attached to it. But I am hoping he will see past that (which I think he will). Also, I am wondering... should we get married, will his credit rating get affected (I don't think it will, but am not 100% sure)? I begged, borrowed and robbed Peter to pay Paul when I went back to school to get my degree. I really messed up and I have some debts to pay off, in addition to my school loans and auto loan. I have admitted to my boyfriend that this is the case, without giving him the details, and he hasn't asked. The intent was to let him know that I am aware of my financial situation and that I'm taking steps to address it (which I am), and of course to make sure that he is aware that my credit is not perfect. Guess what? Turns out that neither is his. Do you know if your boyfriend's credit is perfect/really good? I'm gathing my papers to show to a friend who helps people fix up their credit. I really want to have a plan to show to my boyfriend in the event that we get to the point of considering marriage. Whether or not to tell him might depend on how long you've been dating, how close you are and really how much of a chance you think there is of him proposing. I'm learning more about credit as I'm trying to repair mine. I think that as spouses, your credit rating could affect things like his/your (plural) ability to get a loan, interest rates, etc. If you're going to open the conversation up, be prepared to explain that you're meeting your financial responsibilities now and possibly how, if you're relationship is close enough for you to share that kind of personal detail with him. Good luck, doll! I can completely relate to the embarrassment of the topic but better to have most things out of the closet if you're going to be considering walking down the aisle.
Guest777 Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I begged, borrowed and robbed Peter to pay Paul when I went back to school to get my degree. I really messed up and I have some debts to pay off, in addition to my school loans and auto loan. I have admitted to my boyfriend that this is the case, without giving him the details, and he hasn't asked. The intent was to let him know that I am aware of my financial situation and that I'm taking steps to address it (which I am), and of course to make sure that he is aware that my credit is not perfect. Guess what? Turns out that neither is his. Do you know if your boyfriend's credit is perfect/really good? I'm gathing my papers to show to a friend who helps people fix up their credit. I really want to have a plan to show to my boyfriend in the event that we get to the point of considering marriage. Whether or not to tell him might depend on how long you've been dating, how close you are and really how much of a chance you think there is of him proposing. I'm learning more about credit as I'm trying to repair mine. I think that as spouses, your credit rating could affect things like his/your (plural) ability to get a loan, interest rates, etc. If you're going to open the conversation up, be prepared to explain that you're meeting your financial responsibilities now and possibly how, if you're relationship is close enough for you to share that kind of personal detail with him. Good luck, doll! I can completely relate to the embarrassment of the topic but better to have most things out of the closet if you're going to be considering walking down the aisle. Hi Grrlish, Thank you for your response. It helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I suppose the way I should broach the subject is to just casually mention it, without making too big of a deal about it, but at the same time, let him know that I'm not "perfect." We are very serious about our relationship, and I am 99.99% sure he will pop the question sometime next year. I just don't know when to say it... :-(
dropdeadlegs Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 I would bring it up before he proposed just so I would know it had no bearing in the proposal, and also in the rare event that it would somehow change his mind about proposing. As I stated before, I was in the home mortgage business. While a bankruptcy will remain on your credit record for 10 years, you could still get alternative (B paper) financing immediately after discharge (with difficult terms, like lots of money down.) You can get traditional financing (A paper) two years after discharge. That assumes you have established good credit in the aftermath. Personally, I wouldn't file bankruptcy unless there was absolutely no way of making alternative arrangements for payment of bills (like a medical situation where for some reason your insurance company (or lack of one) wouldn't pay some expenses.) Using those credit fixing places and debt restructure places (Consumer Credit Counseling) doesn't keep your credit rating from suffering either. Credit card companies will accept lesser payment schedules and lower interest rates, but they will still report you as way behind in the meantime. Attorneys will push bankruptcy because they get a fee. There is almost always a better alternative, but what's done is done. Personal loans and auto loans are much easier to get after a bankruptcy but again the terms of the financing are not good. You pay far much more in fees and interest rates than for someone who didn't file bankruptcy. The US had some pretty easy bankruptcy laws until fairly recently, but they have changed and are a bit more damaging to the individual in the last year and a half. I would suggest getting a copy of your credit report annually. the Fair Credit Reporting Act allows an individual to get one FREE annually due to the usage of credit scoring. You need to contact ALL THREE BUREAUS, not just one. The three are Equifax, Trans Union, and Experion. All three have internet websites easily accessible by any search engine. They offer reports online and by telephone. They also offer reports which include a charge, but you CAN get one annually for FREE. If that is not an online option, try calling instead. They may not give that information online, but I am positive that the FREE option is available, even if it has to be requested in writing. They make make you work harder for the freebie, but federal law requires it. SEARCH! I married a man with horrible credit and I do wish I had known what I was getting into before we tried to purchase a home together. It probably wouldn't have changed my mind about the marriage, but I would have been prepared prior to signing a purchase agreement with a 30 day deadline. I would have preferred to deal with some of his credit issues before taking someone's home off the market. In the end I got my house, but it was stressful and touch and go for awhile. Please tell him. He may have credit issues of his own, but I personally feel that the "credit talk" is nearly as important as the "previous sexual relations" talk. Good Luck! Send me a PM if you need credit reporting info, I am glad to help sort it out for you.
Grrlish Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 Hi Grrlish, Thank you for your response. It helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I suppose the way I should broach the subject is to just casually mention it, without making too big of a deal about it, but at the same time, let him know that I'm not "perfect." We are very serious about our relationship, and I am 99.99% sure he will pop the question sometime next year. I just don't know when to say it... :-( Keep your ears open for opportunities to start this conversation. Be prepared ahead of time. Right now, for me, my boyfriend knows that my credit is not perfect and that I have some things to clear up. He hasn't asked me for the details and I'm trying to get things at least planned out before he does. Right now, if he were to ask me, I'd tell him exactly what I wrote above. That I'm gathing all of my financial information and I'm working with a friend to get everything in order. Then I'd try to give him a timeframe for when we could look at everything together. Umm, 'everything' means HIS financial information, as well. I mean, if he's going to look at the details of mine, I want to look at the details of his. Good luck. It will be okay.
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