Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 So, I have been dating this beautiful girl for just over a year now. We were friends for about a year and a half before dating. After a year of dating, we get to make out........sometimes, and not much more than that. I feel like I have to walk on water just to get her to kiss me with some tongue, and I she never lets me see her body, even though she is well aware of how attractive I think she is. I told her I was getting frustrated w/ our physical relationship, and she agreed to try a little harder on advancing it, but 4 months later, we are still dead in the water. Is it wrong for me to be thinking about breaking up with her? I really do love her, but, isn't dating about becoming "a little more than friends"? I can hang out all the time with guy friends if that what I wanted right? Is it bad that I started dating her in the attempts to see how our physical chemistry would be since I knew we had a great relationship already? Would many other guys wait around for over a year to see if we could finally get past making out? Are the nice guys always going to finish last?
westernxer Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 She probably views you as a friend, still. Or else, she likes somebody else and hasn't told you about it. You may have to dump this chick, since there isn't any benefit beyond what you normally get by hanging out with the guys.
Craig Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I feel like I have to walk on water just to get her to kiss me with some tongue You may have to dump this chick, since there isn't any benefit beyond what you normally get by hanging out with the guys. Hmmmmm, what kind of guys do you hang out with Westy? All kidding aside, westernxer is right (he just missed the kissing part when reading your post). She could be friend material or there is someone else she is thinking about or there could be someone else or even worse for you if you crave sexual intimacy is that she can not be sexually intimate. Anyway you look at it, it looks like it is time to move on and away from this relationship and turn her back into the friend she once was.
alphamale Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 All kidding aside, westernxer is right yep, like usual
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 dump her. Can I give you some advice? There's a difference between "nice" and being "passive to the point of inaction". You're the latter. I could see giving her 5-6 months to learn to trust you. Maybe by that time the both of you had had some serious discussions about views on sex and she was staunchly against sex before marriage... I mean, then I could see waiting. You talked, you comprimised.. But you never mentioned religion or morals in your post. Or discussed "why" she won't do more than a closed lipped kiss. You're far far too passive. She's probably already lost any respect for you as a "Man". You're her best non-sexual bud ever though!!! Mr. Ken doll who's neutered as far as she's concerned. You don't need to be an ass to women, but if there is something you want or need, and she's not providing it then you either need to have a conversation about expectations, or she needs to get out of your life so someone who can fulfill your wants and needs can take her place. Stop being so passive. Try communicating first. If that doesn't work, take action (as in dump her). You're not an ass for asking your partner to want to do things you'll enjoy.
gfto Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Doesn't sound like she is yours to dump in the first place. This never got off the ground.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Yup! She will continue this activity until someone else comes along that suits her needs. I say dump her.
roxy_1980 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 When I read this thread, the first thing that came to my mind is that this girl has been sexually assaulted in some form at some time. How much do you know about her sexual past. Is there something tramatic there that she may have not told you. Some girls just shut down sexually after something like that. If she has had a sexual trauma, I would say don't dump her and encourage her to seek counseling. If there is no sexual trauma and she's just jerking you around, then ya, I agree with the rest and unload her. There's religious and there's just not kissing your boyfriend and they are two different things.
Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Here's a little more backstory, that only confuses me more. We have discussed this problem, and she is not waiting till marriage, at least so she tells me. She is religious, but not a biblethumper. She has told me during some of our discussions that with her previous boyfriend, in a one month long relationship(her longest aside from myself), that "we did almost everything except sex". She was very shaken up from the break-up, and she said that looking back, she thought that they moved WAY too fast. Also, in yet another conversation, she said that when she was much much younger, a boy was very pushy with her and made her "do things" to him. And, even before all of our discussions, about 7 months into the relationship, she said she wanted to be "friends but dating". This was because she was afraid of being intimate with me, and afraid of falling in love with me(which she has now, I guess). So, it went from "friends but dating", to, "I kinda want to take it slow 'cause I went way to fast before", to, "I got raped when I was younger". Is it just me, or does this kinda sound like excuses? I never wish rape upon anyone, especially her, but, to be a cold-hearted jerk, does it not seem like there is a growing, more dramatic excuse than the last? And yes, to reply to "Walk", I am a very passive person, I am not forceful with others, but I do not let other people push me around. I tend to keep most problems I have inside, and am not quick to anger (if any of that helps). Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your time and opinions, you all are right on track with every one of my friends I have talked to. But damn, I really don't want to break up with her, even though I think she has a feeling that not all is well, she's pretty keen and that kinda stuff. Thanks again.
IWalkAlone Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 What she says may very well be true, but the bottom line is that she has issues with sex. If you want sex to be part of your life, then either she needs to address them, or you need to move on to someone else. You need to tactfully tell her that after a year of dating, you're ready to have sex be part of the relationship, and of she's not ready for it, then you and her are better off being just friends. That's not being cold hearted, that's just asking for what you need in the relationship. The ball is then in her court whether or not she wants the relationship.
westernxer Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 She needs a therapist and/or a happy doctor. Or maybe she just needs to loosen up and feel a tip of the "love gun", if you know what I mean.
Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 She has told me during some of our discussions that with her previous boyfriend, in a one month long relationship(her longest aside from myself), that "we did almost everything except sex". So, it went from "friends but dating", to, "I kinda want to take it slow 'cause I went way to fast before", to, "I got raped when I was younger". Is it just me, or does this kinda sound like excuses? I never wish rape upon anyone, especially her, but, to be a cold-hearted jerk, does it not seem like there is a growing, more dramatic excuse than the last? And yes, to reply to "Walk", I am a very passive person, I am not forceful with others, but I do not let other people push me around. I tend to keep most problems I have inside, and am not quick to anger (if any of that helps). Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your time and opinions, you all are right on track with every one of my friends I have talked to. But damn, I really don't want to break up with her, even though I think she has a feeling that not all is well, she's pretty keen and that kinda stuff. Thanks again. May I ask how old you two are? I dunno, it could be excuses, but it could also not. Particularly if, as I suspect, you're both pretty young. Here's what I'm gleaning: aside from the incident when she was younger, she's basically a virgin. Her one other relationship, aside from you, lasted for only one month, and they never had intercourse. I don't want to read into her story, but it certainly is believable to me that she's got major issues about sex now - both experiences could give a person some seriously skewed ideas about how sex, trust and caring can't all go together and be part of the same relationship. And it's not implausible, either, that she wouldn't come right out and tell you about the rape for a while. Bottom line, it doesn't necessarily mean she's lying to you, but she clearly has issues with sex, and those are damaging your relationship. Talk to her about it, tell her your concerns, and encourage her to seek therapy.
Guest Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 May I ask how old you two are?/QUOTE] I myself am 21, almost 22. She just turned 24. (I managed to land an older chick, sweet.) We are both virgins as well.......I know, I know. 21 year old guy, in a 4 year college, still a virgin............yep..............be gentle on me. She's also my first girlfriend, I never really have been much with the ladies, but I think I was on the rise when we started dating (yay me). So, its not like I'm gonna have women throwing themselves at me if I break up with her, but thats no reason to stay in a relationship anyways.
luvr29 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 (edited) These guys are all wrong. Maybe she has something in her past that is troubling her. Have you asked her, or does she get weird at certain times. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. If you like her, it might take a little time and TRUST. Otherwise you should dump her because you aren't acting like a "nice guy," and that's what she might truly need. Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Luvinit Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 (edited) These guys are all wrong. Maybe she has something in her past that is troubling her. Have you asked her, or does she get weird at certain times. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. If you like her, it might take a little time and TRUST. Otherwise you should dump her because you aren't acting like a "nice guy," and that's what she might truly need. Being a nice guy is one thing, being a Eunuch is quite another. My advice is to stop 'dating' her and start being her friend. If she has not dealt with her issues, then she is clearly not ready for a romantic relationship. Perhaps letting her know that you two will remain friends while you date others will be enough for her to take her issue seriously and start therapy. Also, don't underestimate the psychological scares you may gain by being with someone who pushes you away physically. That is another item to consider... and a real one. Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator spelling
ls3360 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 These guys are all wrong. Maybe she has something in her past that is troubling her. Have you asked her, or does she get weird at certain times. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. If you like her, it might take a little time and TRUST. Otherwise you should dump (sic) her because you aren't acting like a "nice guy," and that's what she might truly need. My advice is to stop 'dating' her and start being her friend. If she has not dealt with her issues, then she is clearly not ready for a romantic relationship. Perhaps letting her know that you two will remain friends while you date others will be enough for her to take her issue seriously and start therapy. Also, don't underestimate the psychological scares you may gain by being with someone who pushes you away physically. That is another item to consider... and a real one. I think there's been some poor advice in this thread, but I think these last two posters (lovr29 and lovinit) have done a pretty good job. You two need to be perfectly honest with each other. She needs to lay her cards on the table (if she can) and if what she needs is not what you want/need, then you'll probably have to go the "friends" route. Don't pressure her. Don't threaten to end the relationship unless she changes. Don't make her feel bad if she can't give you what you want. Just tell her what you need, that you understand that she can't give it and that you need to be friends instead. -- She might have issues and a bad history that she needs to resolve and she probably doesn't need guilt on top of that. It sounds like "losing" you will be tough enough.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Being a nice guy is one thing, being a Eunuch is quite another. yes, this is true. some eunuchs are bitter, twisted f*cks
starryeyez Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 As a girl i think its sweet to wait till shes ready, if you really do love her like you say you do then you should wait for her, when shes ready to move farther itll be worth the wait. The worst thing you can do is pressure a girl it makes them uncomfortable. I understand your a guy and you must be frustraited by now so just talk to her about it some more and ask why she doesnt want to do more than just kiss who knows maybe shes not feelin your relationship or theres someone else i dont know but seriously if you break up with her because of that then you never really loved her in the first place.
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