addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Just curious to know how many OW/OM out there are in similar situations. You love your MM/MW you've tried the NC thing and you feel like the heart just wants what the heart wants. I'm so tired of being told to go NC and not to bite on the "carrot" MM dangles in front of me or... if it was meant to be he'd leave the W to be with me. Does anyone else feel like you take the good with the bad to stay involved with the person that fulfills you? I'd really like to know if there are others rowing in my boat along with me. Does anyone else feel like they can't give up on the person that they love regardless of right or wrong? Does anyone else believe in true love even if the situation isn't the way society thinks it "should" be. I'd truly love to hear about it...
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Just curious to know how many OW/OM out there are in similar situations. I'd truly love to hear about it... well I am the OM, NC was called by the MW, which is odd. First NC I am experiencing, I feel our love is true and we can be happy and grow old together. She has no kids but a controling MM. She wants to leave him but she can't. She can't say why, but I know it is not because of the financials. This troubles me more. For me, I am tired of sharing. We had a normal relationship till the affair was exposed. Before NC we continued to see each other daily but she could no longer spend the night. I got fed up of her poker game face with her husband. He has girlfriends too. Both come home to pretend everything is rosy.
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I'm in the same boat as you, and it's a lonely place to be at times. I have been struggling for 15 months, but things are starting to look up for me, at least i think they are. From the beginning, my MM told me that he would never leave. I dealt with that. I had some sick notion in my head that if i made him love me enough, he would leave. I'm beginning to think that my plot may be working in my favor. I love this man with all my heart and soul. I know he loves me and feels the same passion and heartache as myself. We are about as close as two people can be. I know that our situation may not go anywhere, but i'd rather have him in my life this way, than not have him at all. My MM has been doing and saying things that are out of character for him, and this behaviour is showing me how serious he is about me. Not sure if it will go anywhere, but he is making a huge effort to prove his love to me. My hopes are up pretty high right now, but i've always had a little, otherwise i wouldn't be able to do this.
Author addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Oyster...I replied to your other post. I too felt like things were "normal" before the W discovered the affair. In my situation we are both M w/ children and call me a cake eater but I seriously considered and still would consider a life long affair if that was the only way to have my true love in my life. I believe that some people are capeable of loving more than one person. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, I'm truly not...I'm just in love with someone I should have married years ago. In a perfect world MM would be all mine and I'd be all his...but we don't live in a perfect world do we?
Author addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 I love this man with all my heart and soul. I know he loves me and feels the same passion and heartache as myself. We are about as close as two people can be. I know that our situation may not go anywhere, but i'd rather have him in my life this way, than not have him at all. FINALLY!! Someone who knows how I feel! Row row row your boat!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I have never went NC...I stay in my situation because my man is trying...he follows through with what he says and quite frankly, I don't feel like I am second... If he treated me differently, I wouldn't stay...I feel that I am giving up many things to wait it out with him and if he isn't going to try, why should I...I have high expectations and he is exceeding them right now...and he is doing that on his own... With that said I haven't given him the ultimatum, I'm trying one step at a time...and so far that is working...but if he stopped trying to meet me halfway or started taking me for granted, it would be over...I love this man with all of my heart and think we will be good together, but I also love myself and know that I can get what I want...I want it to be with him, but he has to want that too...
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I seriously considered and still would consider a life long affair if that was the only way to have my true love in my life. I believe that some people are capeable of loving more than one person. this makes me think, may be I can marry someone else, be in an open relationship and continue seeing the MW as a life long affair. True love conquers. Look at Charles and Diana. Picture perfect marriage with a twist. Charles married for the wrong reasons. His real love was that other Woman who now has him FULL time.
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I love this man with all my heart and soul. I know he loves me and feels the same passion and heartache as myself. We are about as close as two people can be. I know that our situation may not go anywhere, but i'd rather have him in my life this way, than not have him at all. FINALLY!! Someone who knows how I feel! Row row row your boat! You made me laugh!! Post a lot more so you can get PM's!! We so need someone like you on our other site!! The more the merrier and we could use another person as crazy as us!! I'm with GEL, i feel that i'm the number 1 woman in his life, he's just not here with me full time. His heart belongs to me, and that's the hardest part to conquer. My MM is trying, so i will not give up as long as he doesn't.
MuffinMan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Oyster...I replied to your other post. I too felt like things were "normal" before the W discovered the affair. In my situation we are both M w/ children and call me a cake eater but I seriously considered and still would consider a life long affair if that was the only way to have my true love in my life. I believe that some people are capeable of loving more than one person. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, I'm truly not...I'm just in love with someone I should have married years ago. In a perfect world MM would be all mine and I'd be all his...but we don't live in a perfect world do we? Are you sure you are not my MW? This is exactly how I feel. The problem is both the H and my W know about the A. It will never work because we love each other so much we get very careless. We've been caught more than once when we were supposed to have ended it.
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 My MM is trying, so i will not give up as long as he doesn't. patience is a virtue that I am trying to grasp. I have never been married therefore I don't understand the complexity of leaving a marriage, to un-tangle the webs etc. Some of my friends said to me that how can I expect a married woman to make up her mind in 6-7 months of dating to leave 18 years of history, confort. I wonder how much time is enough without giving the cake away?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 You know what Oyster? That's not true...it took me 2 years to leave...I had to make sure that I had a good job that paid well enough that I could support my children and I needed to finish grad school...your MW if she's serious, will need to make a plan...leaving a M is not easy or fast if you care about those involved in it...(I was not having an A, my xh was)
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 patience is a virtue that I am trying to grasp. I have never been married therefore I don't understand the complexity of leaving a marriage, to un-tangle the webs etc. Some of my friends said to me that how can I expect a married woman to make up her mind in 6-7 months of dating to leave 18 years of history, confort. I wonder how much time is enough without giving the cake away? And once again GEL is right!! ( i hate it when she does that!) It took me 3 years to leave my marriage. It's not an easy thing to do. My MM grabbed me, looked into my eyes, and asked me how i could expect him to leave after a year, when it took me 3 years and i was miserable. The history and comfort are not easy to walk away from. Wish it was.
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 You know what Oyster? That's not true...it took me 2 years to leave...I had to make sure that I had a good job that paid well enough that I could support my children and I needed to finish grad school...your MW if she's serious, will need to make a plan...leaving a M is not easy or fast if you care about those involved in it...(I was not having an A, my xh was) thanks GreenEyedLady and Stillhere, so far, now I have a range: 2-3 years to leave a marriage. You are right about having a plan. I told her I considered my financial situation and it is manageable to have her not work or work part time while she continues her studies. The hardest part for her is that even with the ugly and bad things, after 18 years, you do care for the other person so she is trying not to hurt him too much.
forbidden fruit Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Thank god you posted I was beginning to think I was all alone and certainly outnumbered. It seems like the carrot line I have heard before from somebody on this site. I am married and feel like my mm is my true love even with all his faults. There is still something there and I am sick and tired of everybody telling me it's a fantasy. I feel like right now I am taking the bad because there is alot of good. So in answer to your ? I am rowing along right next to you. If I hear the word NC once more ...... I think it is a conspiracy on this site to get all ow and om to stay away from married people. I am just curious how gel a big advocator of nc is staying with her mm and how which way is up is all over the boards. Have they secretly been planted here and are they real at all. Wow I am getting off track. Just a thought because I feel like no until now addicted understands what I am going through and how it maybe does not have to be all or nothing.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Excuse me FF? You are always posting asking what you should do...and you are married and said you want to work it out with your H...what kind of response do you think you will get? I would never stand for the kind of treatment you describe getting from your mm...why should he do better? You don't make him...
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 In GEL's defense, she's usually right. NC is the best way to go for many, as it forces your MM/MW to make a decision. It's not the best option for all A's, as i advocate it as well and i will never go into NC with my MM. Only you know how much you can take. Take care.
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I am just curious how gel a big advocator of nc is staying with her mm and how which way is up is all over the boards. Have they secretly been planted here and are they real at all. With all due respect, GEL suggests NC to those that communicate possible abusive situations and Whichwayisup has good advice also. These are people that really care
Author addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Folks it took a lot of courage for me to start this thread. I was sure I'd get slammed into the ground for feeling the way I do. I knew there were people out there that still believe in true love! The NC thing drives me crazy!!! I say f**k a bunch of that! <---my new motto! Seriously, I gave up on my MM 13 years ago when we were both still single. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made. He was having serious emotional issues regarding family. He put that damn wall up with everyone and I didn't know how to break through it. He's as stubborn as a damn bull but I'm older, wiser and my feelings for him have never faded all these years. I'm not willing to give up that easily this time! He knows he could say it's over at any time but he hasn't. Nothing worth having comes easily. I've waited through a war for him, he's always been worth the wait and he always comes back. I keep hoping that one of these days he will have the courage to fight for what truly makes him happy. Has anyone seen the movie The Notebook? I swear parts of that movie were painful for me to watch...that sums up how this man and I have always felt about eachother. (he actually told me to watch it) Down to the part where she drives off in her car crying...the letters she never got from him I swear to God that happend to me too! I left he wrote me a letter begging me to come back...I NEVER GOT IT!!!! If I had I would have come back in a heartbeat! Some things are just worth the wait...and I'm a firm believer that true love NEVER dies!
NearlyThere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Just curious to know how many OW/OM out there are in similar situations. You love your MM/MW you've tried the NC thing and you feel like the heart just wants what the heart wants. I'm so tired of being told to go NC and not to bite on the "carrot" MM dangles in front of me or... if it was meant to be he'd leave the W to be with me. Does anyone else feel like you take the good with the bad to stay involved with the person that fulfills you? I'd really like to know if there are others rowing in my boat along with me. Does anyone else feel like they can't give up on the person that they love regardless of right or wrong? Does anyone else believe in true love even if the situation isn't the way society thinks it "should" be. I'd truly love to hear about it... I'm rowing the same boat as well, but its not an easy boat to row, you are rowing against the current, trying to avoid the rocks and whirpools and also stop yourself from drowning. People on here will give you advise, you will know when you hear the right piece of advise for YOU. If its not right for you or not applicable then just ignore it. You will get advise from all angles here, you cant expect to only hear what you want to hear, though some people may say it in a kinder way than others. Its no good going NC unless thats what you want to do, only you will know when it is time for YOU. You might reach that point soon, some people alot longer, years even. You only have to read posts on here that will tell you there are MM who are, what I will call serial cheaters or those who find themselves involved in an A for the first time. Only you will be able to tell this, the serial ones are quite easy to spot normally because they have no qualms about admitting to previous misdemeanors. I'm pretty sure I have a first timer, lol, but I always keep in the back of my mind he could be feeding me the biggest load of bull**** ever and be a player. Its very difficult to walk away from someone whom makes you happy and you care about deeply especially if they are telling you that they feel the same for you. The best advice I could give someone is if they are going to carry on, is to get on with your normal day to day life as well, do not let the A consume you or make it your be all. That is what I am going to do differently now, I am going to claim my life back to a sense of normality. Humans are not pre-programmed to all follow the same path and act the same way, any more that we are all destined to look the same. We make choices and decisions that do not always conform to what OTHER people think we should do. Good luck to you in your boat.
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 The best advice I could give someone is if they are going to carry on, is to get on with your normal day to day life as well, do not let the A consume you or make it your be all. That is what I am going to do differently now, I am going to claim my life back to a sense of normality. Good luck to you in your boat. this is really good advice people should be following.
bonehead Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Thank god you posted I was beginning to think I was all alone and certainly outnumbered. It seems like the carrot line I have heard before from somebody on this site. I am married and feel like my mm is my true love even with all his faults. There is still something there and I am sick and tired of everybody telling me it's a fantasy. I feel like right now I am taking the bad because there is alot of good. So in answer to your ? I am rowing along right next to you. If I hear the word NC once more ...... I think it is a conspiracy on this site to get all ow and om to stay away from married people. I am just curious how gel a big advocator of nc is staying with her mm and how which way is up is all over the boards. Have they secretly been planted here and are they real at all. Wow I am getting off track. Just a thought because I feel like no until now addicted understands what I am going through and how it maybe does not have to be all or nothing. Forbidden You truly are an emotional roller coaster right now. When A2L made her statement about the carrot, that comes from someone who has a grip[ on WHAT she feels towards MM. What you have posted on the other thread shows that you have WANTED to end it. That you have WANTED to walk away, but you let him pull you back. A2Ls MM I dont think would treat her the way yours has treated you. ( Shes knock him up side da head ) Two totally different situations.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 NC is the only way to know one way or the other exactly where you stand in MM/MW's life. That's why a lot of people don't do it. They are afraid of the outcome. They are afraid that the MM/MW will simply let them walk away. It takes enormous strength and determination to walk away and pull off NC. Its hard. Very hard. Either MM/MW will come to you a free and clear partner ready for a full relationship, or they won't. Most people aren't willing to take that gamble. They'll settle for half when the idea of 'none' presents itself. Its simply easier to stay in the affair and enable and perpetuate the situation by doing nothing to change it. That way, OW/OM can enjoy the part-time company of the MM/MW and the MM/MW don't have to worry about the pressure to leave their W/H. Are you happy and content with the affair situation, or do you want more? If you are happy and content being the OW/OM, then do nothing. If you are not happy and content and want the MM/MW full time, the only way to do that is to try to knock them off the fence through solid NC. If they come to you free and clear, then you know the extent of what they are willing to do for you in order to be with you. If they don't come to you, then they cared only enough for you to keep you on the side and were willing to let you go when faced with the prospect of being with you full time. I guess it comes down to this: how many of you REALLY want to know exactly where you stand with MM/MW? Frightening prospect, that. I can understand why someone would not want to do NC. Its a matter of keeping what little you have vs gambling it and taking a chance at losing it all.
alphamale Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I guess it comes down to this: how many of you REALLY want to know exactly where you stand with MM/MW? Frightening prospect, that. true LCB....but in reality, how many of us REALLY know where we stand with anyone?
movinon05 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 NC is the only way to know one way or the other exactly where you stand in MM/MW's life. That's why a lot of people don't do it. They are afraid of the outcome. They are afraid that the MM/MW will simply let them walk away. It takes enormous strength and determination to walk away and pull off NC. Its hard. Very hard. Either MM/MW will come to you a free and clear partner ready for a full relationship, or they won't. Most people aren't willing to take that gamble. They'll settle for half when the idea of 'none' presents itself. Its simply easier to stay in the affair and enable and perpetuate the situation by doing nothing to change it. That way, OW/OM can enjoy the part-time company of the MM/MW and the MM/MW don't have to worry about the pressure to leave their W/H. Are you happy and content with the affair situation, or do you want more? If you are happy and content being the OW/OM, then do nothing. If you are not happy and content and want the MM/MW full time, the only way to do that is to try to knock them off the fence through solid NC. If they come to you free and clear, then you know the extent of what they are willing to do for you in order to be with you. If they don't come to you, then they cared only enough for you to keep you on the side and were willing to let you go when faced with the prospect of being with you full time. I guess it comes down to this: how many of you REALLY want to know exactly where you stand with MM/MW? Frightening prospect, that. I can understand why someone would not want to do NC. Its a matter of keeping what little you have vs gambling it and taking a chance at losing it all. You've got it exactly. And I found out exactly where I stood after 7 yrs. What surprised me most of all was - my life didn't end! But ONLY because I wouldn't let it. Go figure.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 true LCB....but in reality, how many of us REALLY know where we stand with anyone? Not many, I'd wager. It sounds like one of those double-edged ancient sayings: "May you know exactly the minds of others" ... or something like that. Easier to not know.
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