oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 so what happens to your "Affair" with the MM/MW after the BS finds out about you as the OW/OM? For me, the BS wanted the MW to end the affair, that did not work so BS went on a brainwashing smear campaign to make me look like a player. MW is now confused and taking 1 month of NC to sort out what she wants, try to reconcile for 1 month.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Sorry about the smear campaign...hang in there Oyster...I can't really give you any advice as I haven't been in your shoes...but I'm here to support you...
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Sorry about the smear campaign...hang in there Oyster...I can't really give you any advice as I haven't been in your shoes...but I'm here to support you... thanks for the support GEL, Smear campaign is expected as the MM is too weak to leave and fighting to keep her. It's all about control. He is not as successful as he wants to be in his professional life so bashing his wife is all he knows. What I have noticed from reading most threads is that the Affair people been having, well it's been a nicely kept secret, I haven't found lots of post on Affair being out in the open.
Freedom Now Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 My MM and I got caught. It was a simple text message that blew the affair out of the water. He denied everything, but she doesn't believe him. Correction: she doesn't know WHAT to believe. Her gut tells her one thing and he tells her another.... He claims that she tried bashing me, but he told me he never allowed her to say a harsh word about me. He decided to try and mend the marriage but was unable to stop contacting me and attempting to bait me into seeing him "one last time." We ended because I finally put a stop to it. I gave him the freedom to live in the decision that he had made. But D-day was ugly. She hates my guts.
addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Oyster...just wondering...what do you want from your situation. I feel as though NC should be used only as an end to a R. Your MW doesn't seem like she would gain anything from NC with you. If her H is trying to re-program her thinking about you and you can't set her straight then it seems like you would lose in the end. Do you want to continue the affair with her if it's "out in the open". Or is the NC an attempt to make her miss you and leave him for you? If the the NC thing is for her to have a chance to think things through and decide what she truly wants then the only way she can do that fairly is to seperate herself from her H too. IMHO
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 thanks for the support GEL, Smear campaign is expected as the MM is too weak to leave and fighting to keep her. It's all about control. He is not as successful as he wants to be in his professional life so bashing his wife is all he knows. What I have noticed from reading most threads is that the Affair people been having, well it's been a nicely kept secret, I haven't found lots of post on Affair being out in the open. I am so sorry about this....I do understand the smearing part.... (((((((((hugs)))))))).....
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 I gave him the freedom to live in the decision that he had made. I feel I will have to take same point of view as you once NC is over and we talk again: Respect her decision to stay in her marriage, to give her the freedom to live in her confortable misery. I will be free of being a crutche to her, I will be free to find someone who will love me, best of all someone who is TOTALLY available. why am I being pessimist? Hard for people to let go of 18years of known environment, scared of taking a chance into the unknown.
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I feel I will have to take same point of view as you once NC is over and we talk again: Respect her decision to stay in her marriage, to give her the freedom to live in her confortable misery. I will be free of being a crutche to her, I will be free to find someone who will love me, best of all someone who is TOTALLY available. why am I being pessimist? Hard for people to let go of 18years of known environment, scared of taking a chance into the unknown. That is exactly it. Some people are terrified of change. I am one of those people, but if i'm miserable, i can't continue to tolerate a situation. That is why i left my M. My MM has been with his W for 18 years as well. He's afraid that if he left her for me, that i would get bored and leave him, and then he will have nothing. It is a valid fear, but you can't live life in a cave.
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 My MM has been with his W for 18 years as well. He's afraid that if he left her for me, that i would get bored and leave him, and then he will have nothing. It is a valid fear, but you can't live life in a cave. your MM and my MW don't understand that all relationship has risk.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 your MM and my MW don't understand that all relationship has risk. That is right!!! There are no guarantees...
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Oyster...just wondering...what do you want from your situation. I feel as though NC should be used only as an end to a R. Your MW doesn't seem like she would gain anything from NC with you. If her H is trying to re-program her thinking about you and you can't set her straight then it seems like you would lose in the end. Do you want to continue the affair with her if it's "out in the open". Or is the NC an attempt to make her miss you and leave him for you? If the the NC thing is for her to have a chance to think things through and decide what she truly wants then the only way she can do that fairly is to seperate herself from her H too. IMHO I want her to make up her mind for GOOD. Don't tell me you are going back to your husband and call me like 1hour later and wanting to see me in person. I told her she was a cake eater. That it is all or nothing so take your time to think and stick with the program. may be the NC is to see if she miss me enough to leave him. By next week I should know or at least end of January. Affair is out in the open, I told her why he is doing what he is doing. I asked her 2 simple questions 1-Has he ever said anything nice about me? NO 2-Has he provided you proof of his fabrications? NO End of the day, she has to fix things with him. I am not getting involve. They can kill each other if that's what they know. She has to leave by herself and not for me. My gut feeling says that she is not strong enough to leave and I will have to make the decision to close the door on her soon. I have been meeting other woman with potentials so at one point in time I will say, enough is enough. She has chosen her misery, rot in it without me.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Excellent attitude Oyster! this is something that she has to do on her own...so sorry that it is hurting you though...
MuffinMan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I want her to make up her mind for GOOD. Don't tell me you are going back to your husband and call me like 1hour later and wanting to see me in person. I told her she was a cake eater. That it is all or nothing so take your time to think and stick with the program. may be the NC is to see if she miss me enough to leave him. By next week I should know or at least end of January. Affair is out in the open, I told her why he is doing what he is doing. I asked her 2 simple questions 1-Has he ever said anything nice about me? NO 2-Has he provided you proof of his fabrications? NO End of the day, she has to fix things with him. I am not getting involve. They can kill each other if that's what they know. She has to leave by herself and not for me. My gut feeling says that she is not strong enough to leave and I will have to make the decision to close the door on her soon. I have been meeting other woman with potentials so at one point in time I will say, enough is enough. She has chosen her misery, rot in it without me. Oyster, Hang in there man. This is exactly what I'm doing. Our situations are very similar. He is controlling her by launching a smear campaign against me. He also threatened her with everything from her kids to her reputation. I took your advice on giving her a timeline and she has a decision to make. I've got the same feeling you have. I really don't think she is going to leave and I'm ready to close the door. Keep strong. Today makes 1 week of NC for me. I'm having a hard time, but I'm hanging in there.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Hang in there guys, I know it's tough...we're rooting for you...
MuffinMan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Hang in there guys, I know it's tough...we're rooting for you... I appreciate the support. This has been a very hard week. A good sign was she accepted a Christmas present from me 2 weeks ago. She told me she couldn't do it, but then went and bought something with the gift card I gave her. She'll be able to go shopping a couple more times and think about me when she does it.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I'm sure she thinks about you anyways, MMan...it's hard, for everyone...think about it from her point of view...which I don't mean let that affect what you are going to do, but just realize that it's not about you...It's about her...
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Oyster, Hang in there man. This is exactly what I'm doing. Our situations are very similar. He is controlling her by launching a smear campaign against me. He also threatened her with everything from her kids to her reputation. I took your advice on giving her a timeline and she has a decision to make. I've got the same feeling you have. I really don't think she is going to leave and I'm ready to close the door. Keep strong. Today makes 1 week of NC for me. I'm having a hard time, but I'm hanging in there. your timeline is 3x times more generous than mine, but hey, she asked for 1 month! Why give a yard away when 1 foot will do. sometimes, I laugh at my situation in the sense that I am setting my self up with a mistress in 2-3 years down the road. when I close my eyes, I see myself in a relationship with someone else, then she comes back in 2-3 years, boom the game resumes, except now I have a new role:laugh: I seriously think I should aim for open end relationship for next 5 years.
MuffinMan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I'm sure she thinks about you anyways, MMan...it's hard, for everyone...think about it from her point of view...which I don't mean let that affect what you are going to do, but just realize that it's not about you...It's about her... Believe me, I know it's about her. It's about her making a decision that is going to make her happy. She understands that she has time and space to make a decision. If she makes the decision to stay miserable, then she is going to have to live with it. I've been thinking about her a lot over the last 2 days, but I'm staying strong.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 GOOD FOR YOU!!! MMAN, you're doing great...
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 ...It's about her... this is common theme I picked up in this forum, MW/MM are very selfish, they have 2 of the opposite sex people to satisfy their needs. Left hand she holds, history, confort, stability but no love. Right hand she holds what she think is love, the man she is waiting for all her life, the one that brings joy and happiness.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 O: The unknown is scary...if someone (MP) wants it bad enough though, it's surmountable...they just have to arrive at their decision themselves...
MuffinMan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 this is common theme I picked up in this forum, MW/MM are very selfish, they have 2 of the opposite sex people to satisfy their needs. Left hand she holds, history, confort, stability but no love. Right hand she holds what she think is love, the man she is waiting for all her life, the one that brings joy and happiness. DING, DING, DING!!! I've picked up the same theme. One of the problems I'm dealing with is MW and I made plans for a future together. I left my W, the comfort, security, history, and stability. She said she was going to leave and the H scares her into staying and she better try to work it out with him. I made the decision and I'm living with the consequences. She gave me the courage to finally leave my house. I feel like I'm really getting the shaft on both ends, but really I'm happy I finally had the courage to leave my W.
Author oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 She said she was going to leave and the H scares her into staying and she better try to work it out with him. I wonder what the H motives are to scare her to stay. Similar behavior as for my life. May be we can figure out an action plan to defuse the situation for our MW?
lostlovebbg Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Wow I feel for you oyster. I'm sure you've read my thread on my situation "Tell me there's an answer..." I work with my MM so there's no way of doing the NC!!! But I did do good the first month. I didn't e-mail or say 'Hello' but we broke dwon the second month. Now we're back to start how we were. IMin all day long while at work???
Author oyster Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 Wow I feel for you oyster. I'm sure you've read my thread on my situation "Tell me there's an answer..." I work with my MM so there's no way of doing the NC!!! But I did do good the first month. I didn't e-mail or say 'Hello' but we broke dwon the second month. Now we're back to start how we were. IMin all day long while at work??? yup, I read your story. I do IMin all day at work, well it is open but chat occassionally. I think if you start dating other people, then he might either get with the program or leave you alone.
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