kelly4520 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I have been dating my boyfriend, Mike, for about 9 months now and we have been running into a multitude of problems. I moved away to San Diego (which is about 1.5 hours away from our hometown) in September and our relationship has been somewhat unstable since then. Many isses have come about such as him not being ok with me partying here in San Diego( which to me seems controlling and shows a lack of trust). The issue that has become most detrimental to our relationship is one that should not be a big deal. My ex-boyfriend, who goes to school with me, said something rude about Mike to me and only apologized to me but never to Mike. Mike has hated him with a passion ever since then and has made it clear that he does not want me hanging out with this guy in college. My ex-boyfriend was my friend, however since I had been dating Mike we drifted apart. Since I really cared about Mike, I was willing to stop talking and hanging out with my ex, although we were OBVIOUSLY simply friends and nothing more. To Mike, not hanging out/calling my ex was not enough. He wants me to cut off all ties with this guy and to never speak with him but what is necessary to remain polite. Which meant no more than smiling, saying hi and then saying that I have to go if he attempted a conversation. To me, that is ridiculous and controlling of him to even ask me to do something like that, let alone expect it of me. His justification for this was that sacrifices need to be made in a relationship and that if I did not care about being friends with my ex anyways it should not matter and I should just suck it up and do it for him. I could understand where he was coming from in the sense that it doesn't matter because I dont care about my ex anyways, however to me, it's the principle of the matter. In my opinion he is being controlling and if he is worried that these 5 minute conversations will turn into a "friendship" as he has told me, then that just shows his lack of trust. He gave me an analogy of a car to try and further his justification. He asked me...if I were extremely wealthy and just absolutely did not care what kind of car I drove, and then bought a random car but he for some reason just did not like it, would I buy a new one for him or just keep it because I would feel like I am being controlled? Keep in mind that I do not care whether I buy a new one or not and money was not an issue). I told him that I would keep the car based on principle alone and he completely disagreed saying that having this fixation with feeling controlled it is a typical issue with women. So my question is...is he just being controlling or should I suck it up and just succumb to his wishes? With the two of us having such differing views on this issue, I can foresee something like this to arise in new situations later on and ultimately lead to a breakup.
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I think that the distance and being at school with an ex who is a friend is threatening to him and his insecurities are bringing out a controlling side. You may want to balance your views based upon how he is in more regular situations -- such as you going out with your girlfriends without him, or making other guy friends who aren't exes. -- to see how he reacts. If I had to make a snap judgement, I'd say he is too controling though. You could always just tell him "tough. I'm going to do what I'm going to do -- take it or leave it." If he can show the internal strength to get over his insecurity, you may have a decent chance.
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 He is very insecure about the relationship he has with you ... I don't think it's a matter of wanting control, but his wanting reassurance. You should be able to talk to whomever you please and your BF should be secure enough in the relationship to understand that you have guy friends, and that he is your boyfriend.
uksteve Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 First of all, hanging out with an ex in my view is ok if both of you do it but not the best thing if it's just the two of you. Also maybe the distance doesnt help. I dont think the guys very insecure, maybe a little. It's natural to have reservations about ex's I would think. Every guy does. As was said, see if he's the same about other guy friends. If you're at college though, maybe it's not the best time for a serious relationship and maybe time for a bit of fun!! Just to play devils advocate
jusified Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Well I'm going through a rough patch of emotions atm so I might as well hi-jack this thread a bit. My ex believed she had the right to email, call and meet up with guys without having to tell me about it. She met up with an ex a few times with out telling me (and she sees him every weekend for language classes anyways, I've never complained about it). My views are this, You can meet up with an ex but just not alone, you should tell you partner 100% wat goes on with Exs, (you should tell your partner what goes on in your life anyways when you are in a relationship). Its not about control, its about caring for the other persons feelings and make sure they feel secure and loved. Anyways, I knwo now that I don't want a girl that believes in seen an ex alone and not have to tell me, or even callig and meet up with other guys alone and not having to tell me. I dont want a girl like that, its not that I'm insecure, its the fact that these actions show me and the relationship disrespect. Of cause I know as a girl its good to get all these guy attention, but wats important to you?? Anyways as for kelly, I would have been happy with you just saying hi when you see your ex as long as yo dont hang out with him alone. So I think you've done all you can. I think your boyfriend is been a little anxcious but not that controlling. I mean you guys are far away and he has no idea what you are up to, especiall when you go parties and have your ex there (wouldnt you be a little bit anxious too??). Just communicate to him, YOu need to make him fel secure and lloved. IF you do lov him and want to be with him then thats not a problem. But if you don't then I guess the relationship will fail eventually anyways
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