Passive Husband...going to get a shock!

[Billiefire]

Planning to leave the hubby this year after 20 years of marriage. He is passive and insecure. Can't take not feeling any love from him or his insecurities any longer. I have never felt secure, protected or safe with him the way a woman should feel with a man. We have never been good friends. He takes absolutely no risks and hardly has any friends. He gives nothing emotionally at all. He has told me that he would never die for me, he initiated sex 10 times for the first ten years we were married (I counted them) and he also went to work instead of taking me to the hospital in 2002 when i was having a rare stroke. He has no life insurance and doesn't see the need for it. We went to counseling last year at my request but he did absolutely nothing to better our relationship but only worked with the children more. He told the counselor that on a scale of 1 to 10, he was doing a 7. I didn't lie, I was doing a 4! I ask him what he had been doing and he didn't know??! The counseling has quit. Over the last year, I had to bring up the relationship topic or it would never have come up. He didn't bring it up once. I have quit on the relationship. I am moving on. I feel that I have protected him our entire marriage so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable at places or look stupid for having no ideas or suggestions at meetings. Life is more than just sitting here with an insecure zoombie! I have never been able to imagine growing old with him. I have three incredible kids who are self-sufficient and can be left on their own. High school and grade school age. Planning my course of action and what I should be doing. I have been a stay-at-home mom and have a wonderful house and all that good stuff. He has done his job as a father but there is nothing left of the relationship. I feel nothing towards him and haven't for a long, long time. There has been no sex for the last year and a half. I had gotten to thinking that there was something wrong with me since I felt no attraction for him but realize the situation now. I will be one of those statistics of the agressive woman divorcing a passive man...If I continue my life in this marriage, I see depression ahead. I will give up my dreams and be completely insane or be lost in future affairs. I am feeling the need to look and expand the horizons. I am anticipating that you will all give advice from your own experiences. Would really like to have someone respond who understands exactly where I am at. Not sure that I am looking for advice either as I have a lawyer and other things already lined up. Just waiting for a few more things to fall into place. I have read every book on relationships. The best one that I found was "How to talk your way to an intimate marriage." It talks about the real reason I am where i am. All the other books are written for the so-called victim of the divorce when the root of the problem is what really needs to be addressed. Hope you aren't where I am at. Digging my way out so i can experience love like it should be experienced!!

[whichwayisup]

I feel that I have protected him our entire marriage so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable at places or look stupid for having no ideas or suggestions at meetings.

 

You enabled and helped his behaviour for so long then, so don't completely put all the blame on him.

 

Good for you that you are getting out if the marriage is over and you don't love him anymore. Just do one thing, don't end it badly and make it a horrible divorce. IT doesn't have to be malcious and cruel.

[Guest]

Thanks for reminding me that, yes, I too, am part of the blame. That is very true, as it is very easy to point the finger at him only. Right now, I just have so much anger towards him (...and it really shows in my post) which I believe comes from the fact that he has chosen to do nothing (his passive nature) about improving the relationship. I really need to keep my head on, remain calm, be wise and continue to move forward towards better times.

[LakesideDream]

Guest. A quick count tallied 36 "I's" in your original post. That's a few don't you think?

 

You say your grade school, and high school kids are "self sufficient, and can be on their own"... are you serious?

 

You did give your husband "props" for "doing his job as a father". Additionally you mention that you have been a stay at home mom. You also say that you have a "wonderful home, and all the good stuff". Aren't those important things not to be dismissed as trivial?

 

You married this man Guest. You chose HIM. He didn't force you into marriage. You decry him for being passive, yet you we a contributor to him, and his personality for twenty years.

 

As for advice from this community, you say you already have your lawyer chosen and plans in place, yet you still posted. I don't get it.

 

After reading and re-reading your post, there is little doubt in my mind that you not only have made up your mind, and have done so with your interests as the only important factor in your decision. Why not? It's the 21st Century, isn't everyone entitled to perfection in their lives?

 

I wonder why you neglected to mention any short falls you contributed to the relationship (if any). From your writings it sounds as if you believe you were the perfect wife. A combination of Martha Stewart, Cameron Diaz, and Hillary Clinton. Smart, loyal, attractive, and competent. Your husband should have no regrets, having been blessed by your company for the last 20 years. That alone should be enough for any man.

 

Steam ahead. If you are correct and your husband is as insecure and passive as you say you will run him over in the divorce and leave him badly beaten and forever damaged. You will have your revenge for all those years living in a wonderful home with all the good stuff, with an insecure and passive guy who was a good father and provider.

 

With any luck you will find the agressive, narcissistic, "alpha male" you crave. Think of all the great times ahead~!

[Jolene]

Divorce is painful for both parties. It is a process.

 

Look UP, not down. Don't be the victim for too long. People get tired of it.

 

I am married now for the third time. I have learned some things about men.

 

Men are different brains than women.

 

Women who seek that perfect emotional ecstasy with a man are living a fantasy. Hence the disappointment you felt with your man at an early stage.

 

Wow! Only 10 times. Passive-aggressive personalities are frustrating even at the best of times. Difficult to say the least.

 

There is hope. You can still follow your dreams...hey! At least you know what direction you want to take. You will find someone who is more compatible with you, but remember that men and women both need something called intimate separateness. Women seek more intimacy and men seek more independence. It's mother nature. If you can find a balance and still feel connected, that will be lasting love for you and your future partner.

 

You're doing the right thing. Look UP!!!!

[SmoochieFace]

I am married now for the third time. I have learned some things about men.

 

And I've learned some things about women who have been married three, four, five, etc. times.

 

Seems to me that women who have a long string of marriages and divorces are the ones who have the 'issues'...

[quankanne]

you've got my utmost sympathy ... it's never easy deciding to walk away from something you've poured your heart into, especially a relationship like marriage. Though I'm not a huge proponent of divorce, it sounds like you've been flogging a dead horse for a long, long time, and in all fairness, staying together is in neither of y'alls best interest.

 

I wish you the best in piecing your new life together, and hope that the hurt and anger you feel is resolved in a timely manner. No use hanging on to regrets over something that didn't work out, especially through negative emotions like that, right?

 

hugs,

quank

[IfWishesWereHorses]

BillieFire,

 

Glad you would leave before you had an affair. Sorry you are so unhappy, divorce is certainly an option if you have tried and couldn't solve the problem. I wondered, have you read a book called "The Five Love Languages" Sometimes it seems that someone may be trying to love you but in their own language and it's possible for you not to see or feel that. Hope you find happiness.

[Jolene]

And I've learned some things about women who have been married three, four, five, etc. times.

 

Seems to me that women who have a long string of marriages and divorces are the ones who have the 'issues'...

 

I was married for the first time at the age of 19. What do you expect from a nice Catholic girl?

 

In any case, I divorced uncontestedly both times, if that is what you are eluding to. The first was an alcoholic and the second was diagnosed with bi-polar mood disorder and sociopathic personality disorder. Maybe I should have stayed with a drunk or maybe the wife-beater...hmmmmm!!! Not a hard choice, dude!

 

Be nice!

[lasan]

And I've learned some things about women who have been married three, four, five, etc. times.

 

Seems to me that women who have a long string of marriages and divorces are the ones who have the 'issues'...

 

If I remarry, it will be for a third time. My first husband divorced me for one of his many other women. My second husband had the nerve to die. I guess thats all my fault.

[SmoochieFace]

If I remarry, it will be for a third time. My first husband divorced me for one of his many other women. My second husband had the nerve to die. I guess thats all my fault.

 

Yeah, it is. *note sarcasm*

 

Seriously, many of these 'serial' marriages result from women (and men) making poor choices that are rushed... like your first time. Why would anyone want to marry someone who is a philanderer? Did you not see any signs of his tendencies BEFORE tying the knot?

 

I had an aunt who was married five times and she was working on number six when the family told her to just give it up. All good guys who weren't saddled with tons of BS issues and all. SHE was the one who had the issues. I told her that she should just be celibate and quit screwing around with men as she was seriously confused.

 

Now... the second time in your case obviously wasn't your 'fault'. No-brainer there. But the first one... you could have chosen more wisely.

[SmoochieFace]

I was married for the first time at the age of 19. What do you expect from a nice Catholic girl?

 

In any case, I divorced uncontestedly both times, if that is what you are eluding to. The first was an alcoholic and the second was diagnosed with bi-polar mood disorder and sociopathic personality disorder. Maybe I should have stayed with a drunk or maybe the wife-beater...hmmmmm!!! Not a hard choice, dude!

 

Be nice!

 

Choose more wisely next time. Words of wisdom. Look for the proverbial 'red flags' before making the choice to marry or not to marry.

 

What's really bugging me about this thread is that the husband in the OP's case is being portrayed as some sort of 'monster' who is this 'terrible husband'. I am curious to know if the OP has contributed anything whatsoever to the impending breakup. Just one thing.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm wondering if perhaps there isn't someone you're interested in that's prompted this after all these years???

[lasan]

Now... the second time in your case obviously wasn't your 'fault'. No-brainer there. But the first one... you could have chosen more wisely.

 

Right because all of us have a crystal ball that predicts how someone will change.

[Gunny376]

When you get married you're actually are marrying three different people. The person you think your marrying, the person that your actually marrying, and the person that is going to come about as a result of being married you!

 

One thing about marriage is that it most definately will change you up. First off, half of the people you date are not going to be compatiable enough for you to marry. Of the ones that are compatiable and complimentary to and with you, half of these marriages are going to end in divorce. The half that stay married, only 13% of them clamin to be happily married. The other 37% are living in a "martial comma" staying together because of the kids, the finances, the status quo, fear of being alone, of being single again.

 

Some of the things that I've learned about being single and alone?

 

Its hard to go wrong by yourself.

 

Its hard to argue with yourself.

 

If something doesn't go right or goes wrong ~ you've no one other than yourself to blame.

 

You don't have to check in all of the time.

 

You can check out other women any damn time you please.

 

You can come and go as you please.

 

You don't have to worry about where your wife is at 3 in the damn morning.

 

Its hard not to like yourself

 

Its hard not to love yourself

 

If you want to sit around in your damned pj's, and work hard at do nothing all day ~ that's A-OK!

 

You don't have to have someone's permission to buy something frivilous.

 

If you want to stay up all night ~ and sleep all day ~ you can.

 

To the orginal poster ~ Life is what you make it. If the one that your with isn't giving you what you want and need, (basic, simple things like meeting your emotional needs, and wants, ~ your intimacy needs (and I'm not just talking about "scroggin and a gruntin"), if he's un-willing to be a part of the solutions to the problems, and a part of the answers to the questions ~ don't be going ~ be gone! Just that plain and damned simple.

 

Life is just too damn short to be sitting around talking about "I should have, I would have, I could have!" You'll hopefully have years and years sitting in a rocking chair to do all of that crap. The time to get real about your life, is NOW! This isn't some dress rehersehal ~ this is real life and in real time. Get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Its just that plain and damn simple.

 

Speaking about the rocking chair down at the old folk home ~ talking about what you should of, could of, would of ~ FORGET THAT! Instead live life like the two old goats in the movie "Second Hand Lions" (GREAT MOVIE BY THE WAY! RENT IT TODAY! {Great line~! ROTFLMAO!!!!!! "NO TELEVISION! NO TELEPHONE! WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY!!!!!!!} ~ THAT ALONE TO FIND OUT THE ANSWER IS WORTH THE RENTAL FEE!)

 

I'm 49, retired out of the United States Marine Corps after 20 years.Did the cheating wife thing. Heard the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you BS!" crap. Went through the "YO-YO" BS (I want you ~ I love you, leave me alone!) Went through the sepearation. Went through the divorce BS, the child support ~ aka the wife gets a new car every two or three years for thirteen years, while I drive used car junk) Went through the "Mama plays ~ while Daddy pays BS! Went through the bankrupcty ~ back when it was possible. Went through the XW throwing me under the bus with the IRS BS! (BTW~ The meanest, toughest, hardest, most HARD CORPS, person I've ever meet wasn't a Green Beret, Special Forces, Ranger, Marine, SSA, British Marine, French Legionaire, Navy Seal ~ it was a middle aged Black WOMAN (Notice the respect and fear) that worked for the IRS!)

 

Me? I'm the otherside of where most of you are. Its been a long and hard ride! A long trail. But? There is another side. Your worse enemy in all of this ~ isn't your STBXH nor your STBXW ~ its yourself.

 

Conquer yourself, your feelings, your emotions ~ and you've won the battle! You've won the war!

 

I know that's easy for me to say, I'm on the other side ~ now! But its really not about them ~ its about you! Its about overcoming your issues, and your fears, and your doubts! Its about "manning up" and doning that which is necessary for you and yours!

 

Hard? All day hard!

 

Suck? You can bet your sweet ass!

 

Fair? What's "fair" got to do with a damn thing?

 

Like it? What's that got to with anything?

 

Me? I dedicated most of my life to my XW and children. I gave 20 years of my life to my country and them. Its time for me! And if that makes me a selfish bastard ~ so be it!

 

Me? I'm catching the next bus to Mexico and Margarettivile!

[Antha]

Right because all of us have a crystal ball that predicts how someone will change.

Hear, hear! Everybody changes year to year. They evolve (or devolve). I guess most of us here don't have your psychic abilities. I'm sorry, I just felt like you were attacking her for no good reasons, and that you were definitely projecting your own issues and situations of people you have known on her.

 

LS (in my opinion) is not about "picking a side". It's about being supportive and understanding for other people. A blanket statement of "being married more twice are the ones with the issues" is just ignorant and mean-spirited.

 

To the OP Billie--Yes, you enabled him, as you've admitted. It's part of his personality to be passive, and that is his deal. I think that you wouldn't be posting here if you were absolutely sure about the divorce. You feel like you have tried everything to reach him, to get him to understand. Even now, you want him to "wake up" from this and be the man that you need him to be. I wish I had advice for you, but I do not. All I can say is to know when you shut the door on that relationship that you tried everything you could, had reasonable expectations, and were truly honest about yourself and about him and about the future. Good luck.

[SmoochieFace]

Hear, hear! Everybody changes year to year. They evolve (or devolve). I guess most of us here don't have your psychic abilities. I'm sorry, I just felt like you were attacking her for no good reasons, and that you were definitely projecting your own issues and situations of people you have known on her.

 

LS (in my opinion) is not about "picking a side". It's about being supportive and understanding for other people. A blanket statement of "being married more twice are the ones with the issues" is just ignorant and mean-spirited.

 

To the OP Billie--Yes, you enabled him, as you've admitted. It's part of his personality to be passive, and that is his deal. I think that you wouldn't be posting here if you were absolutely sure about the divorce. You feel like you have tried everything to reach him, to get him to understand. Even now, you want him to "wake up" from this and be the man that you need him to be. I wish I had advice for you, but I do not. All I can say is to know when you shut the door on that relationship that you tried everything you could, had reasonable expectations, and were truly honest about yourself and about him and about the future. Good luck.

 

It isn't called being psychic... it's called having intuition. It also is helpful to be observant of people and take note of certain patterns of behaviour that certain 'types' are prone to exhibiting. Oh, and this isn't about 'taking sides' either. This isn't elementary school recess-time rubbish.

 

As far as people 'evolving' or 'devolving'... not so fast, ace. Some people stay on a level plane exhibiting consistent behaviour as in the following...

 

Here, we just had a case in which a woman was murdered on New Year's Day - what a wonderful way to start things out for '07, huh? - who was with a man who was abusive from start. Yet in spite of his drunken outbursts and nutty threats she stayed with him and had all charges against this fool dropped whenever he was 'busted' by the cops. Now she's dead - and her three kids are in the process of being placed with relatives.

 

So... Mommy's dead, Daddy's gonna get the chair, and the lil peeps are in for an uncertain future. Life sho is wonderful, right?

 

Now let's consider the possibility that if this woman had used her intuition - meaning take note of Daddy's insane behaviour and thought about what things would have been like living with him - and 'politely declined' ( ) his 'invite' to get married, thrash about in the sack, and pump out babies then maybe just MAYBE she would be alive and be able to have kids who won't be thrown into the hell of being separated/fostered/adopted/whatever. So being careful and highly selective of your mate is a wise thing, no?

 

So... evaluate situations judiciously, make (hopefully) wise choices, and take responsibilty for them AND don't go around blaming others