MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 My boyfriend of 8 months: -Complains and gripes about everything and it gets me cranky and I find that I sometimes do this when he does and I get so mad at myself for it because I am a happy, energetic and positive person who doesn’t like to be around people who bring me down. -Not very energetic, likes to sleep after work and sleep in on weekends a lot – I got on his case once because he complained about not knowing what to get anyone for Christmas, and yet every night that week when we talked, he had been laying on the couch since he got home from work. Get off your ass and go shopping for my present!!! haha -Great sex and a Great kisser -Works in a lucrative business (but it’s his dad’s and his dad pays him a low salary) -He is thoughtful sometimes but complains if asked to do a favor -Even if he has intentions of doing something, he still shows resistance, whether it’s a favor, or just to go out for an evening. -Seems to avoid doing things with my kids (we have talked about this a lot – his same old excuse is that I don’t understand that he’s a child of divorce - how that has anything to do with it, I’m not quite sure, as much as I try to understand where he’s coming from). -I’ve cleaned his house (including bathrooms) twice since May…he hasn’t ever since I’ve known him….yuck! -He can be sarcastic, and I tend to respond back in a sarcastic way and I don’t like it, I don’t like the way my words come out when I get defensive. I have a hard time hiding the hurt in my voice. -I can be over-sensitive and certain times of the month I find his joking to be insensitive and I snap back at him sometimes -No flowers from him in 8 months, not ever -Complains when I call him before 6pm during the week because it uses up his minutes (WTF?) -He’s taken me out for two dinners in 8 months (one was $50 and one for my bday was $80) and he complained about the amount of the bill -No jewelry for xmas but I did get something nice for my b-day that he made out of gold, and had a lot of thought put into it. Although, I didn’t ask for jewelry, and he did buy me stuff on my list, I just kind of thought it would have been nice. I know he gave his ex-gf of 4 months a “pretty ring with a blue stone” – I saw an email from her about it but maybe it was on her xmas list...oh ya, his dad owns a jewelry store. -His house is falling apart, needs paint, needs structural work, and a new deck (people fall through it) but all he did last summer was paint the trim on his garage. I know this can be expensive, but he could do some cosmetic fixing up, he is a bit of a handyman. -I drive 40 min to the city 4-5 times per week and most of the time stop by or stay at his place. He makes the 40min drive to my place maybe once a month and I have to twist his arm to get him here. -Sometimes I think it’s just about the sex. -I do earn about 25% more than him but I also have two kids half time (no support because my ex and I earn the same), and own my own home, and have a new van to pay for (he has a beat up old truck and has a hard time making ends meet – not sure why). -He smokes (quit once, may try again soon) -I like his family, and I think my family likes him. I’m not sure, I never really talked to my parents about it How do you assess my situation? I see problems if this is ever going to go longer term and I have told him that with reference to the way he reacts with my kids. I can’t see myself living with or being married to him. I know I won’t be ready for that type of commitment for several years anyway. So maybe a comfortable, not-so serious relationship like we have is good for me. But…is it too much to ask to be a little bit pampered once in a while? If I don’t get flowers for Valentine’s day I am going to scream….if we even make it to then. Another poster in another thread said to communicate, and talk about what’s bothering you. How do I bring up all this stuff without totally insulting and criticising and hurting him? Most of it I have brought up. What would be the reason for a serious talk like that anyway if I have no intentions of making a serious longer term comittment, and not sure he wants that either? I'm not saying he's not good enough, I often feel I myself am not good enough when I think this way. Maybe I'm having another hormonal week. His b-day is coming up. So it's not a good time to break up. I don't want to break up, I just want him to be more energetic, more romantic, more happier. What do I do??????
chryssy83 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 So let me get this straight-- Your boyfriend of 8 months: Is really negative, cranky and gripey Makes you feel down Doesn't take initiative Avoids your kids Doesn't take care of his home or property Brings out a side of you that you DON'T like (sarcasm) Doesn't pursue you (no flowers/dinners/won't drive to your home) Apparently doesn't have enough precious phone minutes to talk to you Seems to have a hard time managing his finances Smokes (a habit you apparently don't care for??) On the plus side, he is great in bed and has a nice family. But that's it? I'm sorry, with such a huge list of negatives and a short list of positives, I'm not sure why you would want to stay with him. Is it comfort? Are you afraid if you end it you'll be lonely? Are you worried you won't find someone else? You deserve more than this. I read in a magazine article that women shouldn't ignore feelings at "hormonal times of the month" completely--it's just bringing out things that you may not recognize or make an issue out of at other times of the month. Now, I understand having mood swings...and I try to keep myself under control when things are really crazy hormonal for me. But, for example, if every time you get hormonal you hate the relationship and want to break up/feel unfulfilled...maybe there is something to that you shouldn't ignore. There is no good time to break up. I mean, you don't want to upset someone before a big project, test, job interview, etc. But if you wait for the time when it won't hurt him you'll be waiting forever. Unless there's more to this story, I'm not sure what makes you want to stay with this guy. I think you can do better. Edit: As for the option of just communicating better...it sounds like there is a lot about this guy you would want to change if you could. The jewelry thing you should tell him...ask for a ring or whatever next time he needs to get you a gift. But the rest sounds like he's just not that much of a catch. Imagine for a second I was telling you about my boyfriend and this is what I said. Would you think it made for a long term, fulfilling relationship?
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 It does sound as if the negatives outweigh the positives. However, if you haven't really tried to communicate about issues before, it may be worth a try. You might get lucky and find out that he is receptive to working on issues. On the other hand, if you have communicated before, even at a hinting sort of way, and he isn't "getting it," then it may not be worth the effort and drama.
D-Lish Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Guys don't want "hints", they want facts. If you've given him the facts: I'd like flowers, I'd like you to spend time with my kids, etc... I'd give him one sit down face to face "here's the deal" conversation and see what he says. If nothing changes after that- then that might be your cue to leave. My ex NEVER communicated anything to me about his wants or needs, so when he dumped me all full of resentment, I was caught totally off guard. It's always good to communicate in a relationship- it's the glue that holds a healthy relationship in place. Good luck, D
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I agree with D-Lish. Many guys have difficulty in communicating emotional wants and needs. Sometimes they don't even know what the uneasy feeling is. Hard facts all the way. You sound like the motivator in the relationship and he relies on this. It can only get worse if only after 8 months, he's dragging himself around.
johan Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 He sounds like he's not happy in his life. He might be a great guy if he could get over that. To me this is a good example of why relationships don't last. There was a time when the question would be "I love the guy I'm with, he doesn't seem happy, and I want to figure out how to help him." Now it's, "he's not happy, so I'm not happy, so I'm just going to end it." I don't think real love exists.
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I didn't read anything in the original post that would indicate his unhappiness. I look at it more like complacency and laziness. I do think that she should communicate her issues to him though.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 I read in a magazine article that women shouldn't ignore feelings at "hormonal times of the month" completely--it's just bringing out things that you may not recognize or make an issue out of at other times of the month. Now, I understand having mood swings...and I try to keep myself under control when things are really crazy hormonal for me. But, for example, if every time you get hormonal you hate the relationship and want to break up/feel unfulfilled...maybe there is something to that you shouldn't ignore. This I wondered about more recently too. I do talk to him and I really try hard not to nag, and I don't think I do much. If I'm riding his a$$ about his smoking or messy house, I really do try to limit it, because that doesn't much affect the way I live my life. There is alot of affection, something I so missed in my marriage. And, he calls when he says he'll call, not something I was ever used to while I was dating. But he does need more motivation and I find I am riding him more about these things. In my marriage there was alot of resentment, and I do want to work at this relationship. It always seems I think of things to say to him, or ask him, but when we're together, we just don't get into any deep conversations. In a couple of our "discussons" he said right off the bat "well, do you want to break up?" and I always say No, I want to get past this, but how do we do it? and we just end up getting past it somehow but not really resolving anything, a few apologies and make up sex, and away we go. I'm not the best communicator either.
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