I don't think he wants to be here.

[Guest]

I'm not sure what to do or say anymore. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have two kids ages, 14 and 10. My husband acts like he doesn't want to be around us much. We hardly ever do things together as a family. He doesn't really discipline the kids, leaves that up to me and when I do he comes along and undermines whatever it is I did.

 

All he does is surf the web. Its not really anything particular he looks at, different things I guess, but it seems to be what he would rather do. If I ask him a question about anything he bites my head off! I have asked him whats wrong, he says nothing. I have asked him if he wants to be here with me and the kids, he laughs and says yes, and that if he didn't want to be then he wouldn't. He has always been pretty verbally abusive and now the kids see this so they think its ok behavior. He doesn't even try to really correct it either. He doesn't care if our oldest son (14) goes out all the time with his friends. He always says he is going to do this or that but never follows through with nothing. Everything is always half done. Nothing is ever completed! Then he bitches at me about it.

 

Our other son (10) is pretty mild mannered, and will ask his dad something and his dad will take his head off too. Its like he just doesn't want to be bothered. Why? He says he wants to be here but his actions don't show it. My mother says maybe he acts like he doesn't want to be bothered because he doesn't want to be here and he just tells me he does to shut me up. So he yells at them or lets them do whatever so he doesn't have to deal with them. Spending time with family is a hard thing? I don't think its alot to ask. He avoids me as well. Its all about how much time he can spend on that computer. I wish I could just throw it out the door! He would be lost, absolutely lost. I bet if that wasn't even here, he would make some excuse up to not be here that much. He wont go to counseling he doesn't see that theres a problem. I don't know what else to do.

Any advice is welcome, thanks.

[JackJack]

Some might say this is a controling behavior and maybe it is , but have you tired unplugging the computer? Setting it aside or putting it up? How about getting rid of it. Let him know its a nuiesence in your life. That its causing problems. If he truly wants to be there and nothing is wrong like he says, then the computer shouldn't even matter. He should have no problem with you all getting rid of it. If he does, that should say something. If he goes and replaces that computer with another way to not deal with his family, then theres still a problem. You might have to make a choice since he wont go to counseling.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sounds like the beginning of a mid-life crisis. YUCK!

[WhisperingWillow]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I really think you should send the kids to grandma's or somewhere and sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. He needs to hear how you feel and take your feelings into consideration.

 

If he continues with his behavior after you've exhausted everything else then a separation may be in order. Midlife crisis or not no one deserves that kind of behavior. You've stated as well that he's always been kind of verbally abusive, why have you put up with that for so long? You're right the kids have picked up on it and think it's ok, I have the belief that a child will always mimic the same sex parent (that the child is) mannerisms and all that is why it's so important to have a good vital role model for children. I'm not saying he's not a good man in other ways, I'm not trying to attack you nor him. I'm saying you guys need help and I honestly think you should sit him down and explain to him that the family is falling apart and you're feeling stressed and very hurt. Ask him about counseling again and girl if he keeps it up the only thing you can do next is give him a ultimatum. But let that be your absolute last thing to do there.

 

Sometimes it takes someone to leave for someone to see they've hit rock bottom and even if he doesn't see it and continues on his path then you're better off without him. It is better to be on your own and have the love and well being of yourself and your children than to be with someone that tears everything down from the inside out that is suppose to help you protect it.

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I really think you should send the kids to grandma's or somewhere and sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. He needs to hear how you feel and take your feelings into consideration.

 

If he continues with his behavior after you've exhausted everything else then a separation may be in order. Midlife crisis or not no one deserves that kind of behavior. You've stated as well that he's always been kind of verbally abusive, why have you put up with that for so long? You're right the kids have picked up on it and think it's ok, I have the belief that a child will always mimic the same sex parent (that the child is) mannerisms and all that is why it's so important to have a good vital role model for children. I'm not saying he's not a good man in other ways, I'm not trying to attack you nor him. I'm saying you guys need help and I honestly think you should sit him down and explain to him that the family is falling apart and you're feeling stressed and very hurt. Ask him about counseling again and girl if he keeps it up the only thing you can do next is give him a ultimatum. But let that be your absolute last thing to do there.

 

Sometimes it takes someone to leave for someone to see they've hit rock bottom and even if he doesn't see it and continues on his path then you're better off without him. It is better to be on your own and have the love and well being of yourself and your children than to be with someone that tears everything down from the inside out that is suppose to help you protect it.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why I stay anymore. Maybe I feel the good out weighs the bad? He is the provider. I don't work, or have any real money to call my own. He puts a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs etc.

 

He is a good person, he just has some anger problems and takes things out on me and the kids sometimes. Its not all that often either. But he does act like he doesn't want to be here. He acts like he is doing me a favor if I ask him anything at all. He even acts like he doesn't want to go on vacation when we do go. He acts bored and he could care less about spending time with his family.

 

I have only been in one other relationship besides the one I'm in with my husband. back before I met my hubby, I was dating a guy who was verbally abusive and cheated on me. I went from that relationship to this one. Maybe I feel this is what I deserve and its all I really know.

[JackJack]

I'm not sure why I stay anymore. Maybe I feel the good out weighs the bad? He is the provider. I don't work, or have any real money to call my own. He puts a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs etc.

 

He is a good person, he just has some anger problems and takes things out on me and the kids sometimes. Its not all that often either. But he does act like he doesn't want to be here. He acts like he is doing me a favor if I ask him anything at all. He even acts like he doesn't want to go on vacation when we do go. He acts bored and he could care less about spending time with his family.

 

I have only been in one other relationship besides the one I'm in with my husband. back before I met my hubby, I was dating a guy who was verbally abusive and cheated on me. I went from that relationship to this one. Maybe I feel this is what I deserve and its all I really know.

 

Stop excusing the inexcusable. Ok, so he is a good provider, and keeps a roof over your head. Guess what, there men out there that can do that, and not be mean and abusive too, and who want to really be with you. You deserve better.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure why I stay anymore. Maybe I feel the good out weighs the bad? He is the provider. I don't work, or have any real money to call my own. He puts a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs etc.

As others have said, I would have an extremely frank, heart-to-heart talk with him. At least remove any doubt that he knows how you feel.

 

Were I you, I would also ease my financial worries ("I don't work, or have any real money to call my own") by having an initial consultation with an attorney. You don't have to commit to anything, but any decision you made down the road could be based on a realistic assesment of what post-married life would be like financially. As Jackjack said, if the best thing you can say about him is "he is the provider", time to go to Plan B...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

He is a good person, he just has some anger problems and takes things out on me and the kids sometimes. Its not all that often either. But he does act like he doesn't want to be here. He acts like he is doing me a favor if I ask him anything at all. He even acts like he doesn't want to go on vacation when we do go. He acts bored and he could care less about spending time with his family.

 

I'm in agreement with IWWH.... sounds like midlife crisis to me. MLC can strike as early as the late 30's and on into the 50's. Personally, I really do believe that there is a physiological basis for it, and that the male body's chemical balance is undergoing a kind of realignment at this stage of life.

 

Have him screened for depression by his medical doctor if he's willing to undergo an honest assessment. It's possible that the anger you're seeing is a symptom. It's not at all an unusual behavior from men who are suffering midlife depression.

 

You'd be surprised what a little medication and alot of TLC can do for a guy in crisis.

 

Word of warning though.... if he won't address the situation, and alot of guys won't... you'll need to think about how you're going to enforce your boundaries. It's not right that the whole family should have to suffer because one member won't "own" his problems. You might be put into a position in which you'll have to take a pretty tough stance.

[Guest]

I'm in agreement with IWWH.... sounds like midlife crisis to me. MLC can strike as early as the late 30's and on into the 50's. Personally, I really do believe that there is a physiological basis for it, and that the male body's chemical balance is undergoing a kind of realignment at this stage of life.

 

Have him screened for depression by his medical doctor if he's willing to undergo an honest assessment. It's possible that the anger you're seeing is a symptom. It's not at all an unusual behavior from men who are suffering midlife depression.

 

You'd be surprised what a little medication and alot of TLC can do for a guy in crisis.

 

Word of warning though.... if he won't address the situation, and alot of guys won't... you'll need to think about how you're going to enforce your boundaries. It's not right that the whole family should have to suffer because one member won't "own" his problems. You might be put into a position in which you'll have to take a pretty tough stance.

 

 

 

No he wont address the situation. I have asked. I even begged and pleaded at one point. One day he will say he doesn't have a problem, the next he says he thinks he does. He doesn't want to hear what might or might not be wrong. I just don't think he cares to get help.

 

Also I'm not so sure its a mid life crisis thing or not. I married him acting the way he does. I went into a marriage knowing how he was and how he treated me. We dated and was engaged a good while before we ever got married. How he treated me before we were married, is how he still treats me now. I just think it got worse over time. I think its my fault. I married someone knowing how they were. Maybe I thought it would change. Guess I was wrong.

[Ladyjane14]

No he wont address the situation. I have asked. I even begged and pleaded at one point. One day he will say he doesn't have a problem, the next he says he thinks he does. He doesn't want to hear what might or might not be wrong. I just don't think he cares to get help.

 

Also I'm not so sure its a mid life crisis thing or not. I married him acting the way he does. I went into a marriage knowing how he was and how he treated me. We dated and was engaged a good while before we ever got married. How he treated me before we were married, is how he still treats me now. I just think it got worse over time. I think its my fault. I married someone knowing how they were. Maybe I thought it would change. Guess I was wrong.

 

I've thought alot about your thread since you posted this. I'm not sure what to tell you at this point, because it seems your man has a history of uncooperative behavior. I'm just not sure what might get through to him short of you and the kids picking up and moving out. And it doesn't sound to me like that's where you want to go with this.

 

I have to say though, that even if his behavior was similar when you married him, I still believe that you NEED a professional diagnosis in order to rule out depression. His behavior sounds classic.... angry outbursts, withdrawal from family activities, lethargy.

 

If I were you I believe I would do my utter best to get him to a doctor. The downside is that he has to answer the doctor's questions honestly. It's all too easy for a guy to go in and claim that there's nothing wrong. And treatment works best when a patient embraces it.

 

Meanwhile, you might want to read a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It's a fairly easy read, and I think it would be best if your husband read it too. But I'm not certain that you could get his cooperation at this point though.

You might try asking him sometime when he's in a good mood. Explain to him that it's important to you and that you would consider it a gift if he would do this small thing for you. Let him know that you're concerned for the future and that you're feeling bereft of emotional closeness with him.

 

You might even try reading a couple of pages aloud in bed together every night. That way, there's an opportunity to spend a few minutes of alone time together and to discuss ideas.