rckt365 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 It seems that I am continually being confronted with news about my g/f somewhat sordid sexual and relationship choices (from her own admission). I like to think that I'm open-minded enough to handle everything she tells me (why ask a question I can't handle the answer to - right?) but everytime she (reluctantly) tells me about something in her past - I can't help but lose a bit of respect for her. My question is; how important should respecting her be? And more importantly how do I respect her again? Does it just take time, does the level of respect I had for WHO she is now, ever outweigh what she did in the past?
laRubiaBonita Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I like to think that I'm open-minded enough to handle everything she tells me (why ask a question I can't handle the answer to - right?) but everytime she (reluctantly) tells me about something in her past - I can't help but lose a bit of respect for her. so quit asking her because you seemingly Can't Handle the Truth!
IpAncA Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 The past is in the past and it shouldn't be an issue. Just let it go because no matter what you do what happend isn't going to change. All you can do is move foward and learn from your mistakes. If you don't want to hear about the past then ask her to not tell you. I'm sure you have a past also. We all do.
My Fair Katie Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 The past is in the past and it shouldn't be an issue. Yeah, but too late now, he already knows and has lost respect. If I knew my husband bedded the entire dallas cowgirls cheerleading squad, well first I'd be impressed and then I'd lose all respect for the manwhore. And no, I wouldn't have been able to get past it. It goes against some of my core values (I loathe the cowboys). I think that you shouldn't be with someone you've lost respect for, and she deserves to be with someone who respects her.
IpAncA Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Well I don't know what she said to him. It may not even be that big of a deal. Thats why IMO we don't go around volunteering our past unless it's something that needs to be mentioned. She could have wanted him to know for certain reasons too, who knows.
lindya Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I think that you shouldn't be with someone you've lost respect for, and she deserves to be with someone who respects her. Agreed. What one man might view as sordid, another might perceive as adventurous. Society no longer has set rules on the extent of sexual experience a woman should or shouldn't have. rckt365, it sounds as though your preference might be for someone who has had a fairly conservative sexual past, which is at odds with the experiences of the girl you're currently with. Either you're going to need a new girlfriend whose lifestyle, past and present, is more compatible with your particular values - or, if you're determined to make the current relationship work you might need to drastically revise some of your values. I'm not sure how easy the latter is. Sometimes a person will temporarily alter their perspective in order to accommodate a partner...but ultimately people are often a lot more fixed in their beliefs and values than they're willing to admit.
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 The past should remain the past, especially if she was much younger at the time. People change, mature and grow into the person they are today. Accepting that past is also a sign of maturity. That she trusts you enough to tell you these things, possibly to ensure that you don't get blindsided in the future, must have been difficult to do. Keep in mind that I'm only guessing why she told you. If she did it as a lark to get you sexually stimulated, no wonder you've lost respect for her. If she's told you as a gesture of trust that you would be able to accept and understand her sordid past, you need to re-evaluate why this would make you respect her less. I would cheer her courage for being honest with you.
guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 My question is; how important should respecting her be? And more importantly how do I respect her again? Does it just take time, does the level of respect I had for WHO she is now, ever outweigh what she did in the past? But her past that you are questioning, made her the person she is today... which is the person that you met and liked... We all have skeletons in our closet that we are not proud of... and I would hate for the person that asked me to honestly answer a question, use my answer against me. And remember, it's her PAST... something that happened before you even met her... maybe "it" wouldn't have happened if you were around at that time?
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Your past is yours, her past is hers. Don't go into details about it and don't ask questions. There are some things just best left unknown. Everybody else is right, the past is what makes you who you are today and that includes sexual past and relationship experiences. What counts is the NOW and what you two have together, so try to move past it.
Walk Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I am absolutely dying to know what this sordid and raunchy past is. Did she suck guys arm pits to get off? Have interspecies sex? Use vibrators larger than a pickup truck? Please tell me!!! My bf is begging me to be more kinky, maybe I can pick up some pointers. And maybe if you ask really nice some other guy will take her off your hands. Bet she could rock his world in bed. Then you could hook up with a near virgin and have nice tame missionary sex. Very respectable. Very honorable. *sigh* Really a shame that men get hung up on a persons past. I don't understand why. It's not a direct reflection on you. You can't say you're open minded and then judge her negatively for her past. And all men seem to want the nice wholesome girl who's wild in bed, as long as she's never been wild in bed. She's been too repressed to be wild in bed, and past actions says that in the future she won't be wild in your bed either. Then a year down the road you're eye humping the brunette in the mall because you're utterly bored with the sex at home. Eat your cake and like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! j/kidding. Why are you bemoaning the fact that your girl is kinky? You seriously can't see this as a positive? Not even remotely?
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 There's nothing wrong with being wild in bed but why would you want to communicate past sexual events for the two of you to get off on? To communicate something like this to a current b/f smacks of complete immaturity. To communicate it to the current b/f so he doesn't get blindsided and to trust him with it, is positive. To use it to stimulate your existing relationship smacks of a sexual sickness, since the two don't sound like as if they've been together for a long time.
JCD Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 OP, in my case as I got to know my girl more I was losing respect for her but I still loved her the same. I was very naive about girls and had high expectation of them but they're not like that. Instead I began to understand the reasons why they do these things. For example, as a teenager a girl could be pressured by her parents to live their lifestyle that she doesn't like so she will rebel and do things to make her parents mad. Most girls grow out of this by the time they hit 30's. It's very rare to find a virgin girl or girl that lead a conservative life before marriage. So don't be so hung up about her wrong doings because she couldn't help it. She was not mature enough then.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Was this directed at the OP? Came after my post, so I was unsure. There's nothing wrong with being wild in bed but why would you want to communicate past sexual events for the two of you to get off on? To communicate something like this to a current b/f smacks of complete immaturity. To communicate it to the current b/f so he doesn't get blindsided and to trust him with it, is positive. To use it to stimulate your existing relationship smacks of a sexual sickness, since the two don't sound like as if they've been together for a long time. Who are you to say what's sick and wrong? Not being sarcastic here. Just wondering. If I think hearing about my bf banging an ex over the hood of a car on the side of the highway is a turn on, then I'm sexual sicko? Sweet. I'm a sexual sicko. Woo hoo!! I'm having a hard time taking your post seriously. Do people honestly just burst out in the middle of sex with "My last bf boinked me like a dog" and expect their partner to get turned on? I'd say I'm pretty open to raunchy talk during sex, but... uh... that's tackless. But I dont' know.. maybe the OP is saying his gf does that. Should be simple to fix though. Just tell her not to bring up past relationships while in the bedroom or getting it on. Problem solved. However, if it did turn him on, then I'm not going to rule out something that could potentially make my bf's sex life more exciting just because a few people out there believe its "deviant". A lot of people think anal is deviant. Used to be anything but missionary was deviant. I'm not going to close possibilities if my partner and I have agreed that it's something enjoyed. If he doesn't like it, I would hope that he could discuss it with me. I interpreted the OP's post to say that his gf tells him about her past as a window into who she is as a person, and what experiences made her into the person she is today. I think that's really healthy and normal. I think the tone of the post would have been a bit different if he'd meant she was telling him that to turn him on.... Just my take on it though. I could very well be wrong.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Was this directed at the OP? Came after my post, so I was unsure. Who are you to say what's sick and wrong? Not being sarcastic here. Just wondering. If I think hearing about my bf banging an ex over the hood of a car on the side of the highway is a turn on, then I'm sexual sicko? Sweet. I'm a sexual sicko. Woo hoo!! I'm having a hard time taking your post seriously. Do people honestly just burst out in the middle of sex with "My last bf boinked me like a dog" and expect their partner to get turned on? I'd say I'm pretty open to raunchy talk during sex, but... uh... that's tackless. But I dont' know.. maybe the OP is saying his gf does that. Should be simple to fix though. Just tell her not to bring up past relationships while in the bedroom or getting it on. Problem solved. However, if it did turn him on, then I'm not going to rule out something that could potentially make my bf's sex life more exciting just because a few people out there believe its "deviant". A lot of people think anal is deviant. Used to be anything but missionary was deviant. I'm not going to close possibilities if my partner and I have agreed that it's something enjoyed. If he doesn't like it, I would hope that he could discuss it with me. I interpreted the OP's post to say that his gf tells him about her past as a window into who she is as a person, and what experiences made her into the person she is today. I think that's really healthy and normal. I think the tone of the post would have been a bit different if he'd meant she was telling him that to turn him on.... Just my take on it though. I could very well be wrong. Past partners deserve a little respect too. What two people do in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, not brought up for lurid fantasies with future partners. Keep in mind that your current b/f could easily tell his future partners about your joy for anal. I'm sure you would like it if he told his new partners about exactly how you liked it, what you looked like while he PIITB, how you... You get the picture.
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Hey rckt....respect is extremely important....the reason she is telling you these things is because it is still bothering her. I used to do that, feel the need to tell my whole life story to S/O....but that has changed, am not operating in the past any longer....this is me, today and that is who I am. You might want to communicate to her that you don't really care, she is who she is today. Try not to loose respect, as it is the past, we all have done things we are not proud of.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 He said he asks her, and she "Reluctantly" tells him.
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Past partners deserve a little respect too. What two people do in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, not brought up for lurid fantasies with future partners. Keep in mind that your current b/f could easily tell his future partners about your joy for anal. I'm sure you would like it if he told his new partners about exactly how you liked it, what you looked like while he PIITB, how you... You get the picture. Totally agree....the bedroom IS sacred! I never talk about things like that to anyone, it is rude.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Past partners deserve a little respect too. What two people do in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, not brought up for lurid fantasies with future partners. Keep in mind that your current b/f could easily tell his future partners about your joy for anal. I'm sure you would like it if he told his new partners about exactly how you liked it, what you looked like while he PIITB, how you... You get the picture. That actually would bother me less than knowing he's probably telling future partners what a raving psychotic bytch I am. It's far easier to deal with truth, than fiction, and I'd rather he garnered great pleasure from the recounting of our sexual exploits, then the animosity I'm sure he expresses. Either way.. it's a moot point. The OP was saying that he asks her and she reluctantly tells hims. And I'd actually feel honored if my bf used me as a tool to get off with a new girl. I think that'd be kind of neat. Better that than the animosity, hate and resentment most people feel after a break up.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Totally agree....the bedroom IS sacred! I never talk about things like that to anyone, it is rude. I think people never believe it will ever happen to them. Once you illustrate how it could adversely affect them in the future, sometimes they care, other times they don't. I know I wouldn't want it to happen to me, not that I'm ashamed of what I've done in the bedroom because it's all natural between consenting adults. I just don't want to be part of someone else's pornographic fantasies without my knowledge or consent.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 That actually would bother me less than knowing he's probably telling future partners what a raving psychotic bytch I am. It's far easier to deal with truth, than fiction, and I'd rather he garnered great pleasure from the recounting of our sexual exploits, then the animosity I'm sure he expresses. Either way.. it's a moot point. The OP was saying that he asks her and she reluctantly tells hims. And I'd actually feel honored if my bf used me as a tool to get off with a new girl. I think that'd be kind of neat. Better that than the animosity, hate and resentment most people feel after a break up. Add the animosity, hate and resentment onto your sexual exploits and you might find that the tale is told from an unhealthy perspective.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Add the animosity, hate and resentment onto your sexual exploits and you might find that the tale is told from an unhealthy perspective. It's you opinion. It's not something that bothers me. Honestly, I'm mostly pulling your chain in the previous posts. I don't scream out past sexual exploits in the bedroom. But I've gotta admit, my bf was telling me once about him and an ex and I got a bit excited. And I fantasize about him banging another girl. I'm a sicko. Sue me. You've got your perspective, you are entitled. But I think if both parties agree that they're comfortable with it, then there isn't anything wrong with it. But key point is communication and agreement with the current partner on what they are/aren't comfortable with. I just don't want to be part of someone else's pornographic fantasies without my knowledge or consent. I know men have gotten off thinking about me without my expressed permission before. Why they would use me in their sexual fantasies is beyond me.. but they did. And I think a lot of women get "used" that way too. Just like you probably had a certain guy you entertained fantasies about at one time or another. Maybe the guy at work, or the one in class, or the hot bartender, or movie star. I get where you're coming from, but you've probably been in a lot of people's pornographic fantasies without your consent already. So.. The topic was: the guy pushes gf's to tell him her past, she tells him. He loses respect for her. Back to topic...
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 It's you opinion. It's not something that bothers me. Honestly, I'm mostly pulling your chain in the previous posts. I don't scream out past sexual exploits in the bedroom. But I've gotta admit, my bf was telling me once about him and an ex and I got a bit excited. And I fantasize about him banging another girl. I'm a sicko. Sue me. You've got your perspective, you are entitled. But I think if both parties agree that they're comfortable with it, then there isn't anything wrong with it. But key point is communication and agreement with the current partner on what they are/aren't comfortable with. I know men have gotten off thinking about me without my expressed permission before. Why they would use me in their sexual fantasies is beyond me.. but they did. And I think a lot of women get "used" that way too. Just like you probably had a certain guy you entertained fantasies about at one time or another. Maybe the guy at work, or the one in class, or the hot bartender, or movie star. I get where you're coming from, but you've probably been in a lot of people's pornographic fantasies without your consent already. So.. The topic was: the guy pushes gf's to tell him her past, she tells him. He loses respect for her. Back to topic... This is one of those "do unto others as you would have others do unto you". If you don't need respect for your past sexual exploits then that's your perogative. If someone wants to fantasize about me without an ounce of truth, I can only shrug, but to tell all with a future partner as a sexual turn on is a major sign of immaturity and lack of respect for something private between two people who cared about each other at one time. Major red flag for violation of trust.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I can only shrug, but to tell all with a future partner as a sexual turn on is a major sign of immaturity and lack of respect Got it. You feel that the OP uses the gf's past as an aid to sexual gratification. And that I am condoning this as the new sex aid of the century. I'm not, ok? I just don't feel so strongly about it as you do. Just a difference in opinons. I don't feel I'm immature, or lacking in respect. I would have a problem if an ex put it in print, or picture. And an even bigger issue with it if they made money off it. Other than that though... I don't own memories my partner has of me. My partner owns those. They're skewed, they're from his perspective, and probably don't even resemble the me I am today... so have at it. Plus I know I wasn't that great in bed, so if he's using those... wow, I feel sorry for him.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Got it. You feel that the OP uses the gf's past as an aid to sexual gratification. And that I am condoning this as the new sex aid of the century. I'm not, ok? I just don't feel so strongly about it as you do. Just a difference in opinons. I don't feel I'm immature, or lacking in respect. I would have a problem if an ex put it in print, or picture. And an even bigger issue with it if they made money off it. Other than that though... I don't own memories my partner has of me. My partner owns those. They're skewed, they're from his perspective, and probably don't even resemble the me I am today... so have at it. Plus I know I wasn't that great in bed, so if he's using those... wow, I feel sorry for him. Close. No, I'm not suggesting that the OP is definitively doing this. I'm just recommending that he/she not do it. It does sound like we value different things and it's probably best to respectfully disagree on this topic.
IpAncA Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I'm actually curious as to what she said to him and if its really something to make a big deal out of.
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