guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 man I'm more confused then ever. I was briefly dating a guy who is separated. He told me a month ago that he isn't ready to date and didn't know that until he started having feelings for me and it brought up old feelings for her. At the same time, he made the decision to stop drinking, so I think he's now "grieving" the end of his marriage that he was using the alcohol to numb before. He told me that he really needed to be friends instead and that maybe in the future it could be more. We had made plans before this epiphany to spend Christmas Eve together going to the movies. We had not seen each other since the "break up" but had continued talking and emailing like before. So I went up to his home fully expecting just friend contact, and not expecting anything more. He completely through me off when he gave me long sweet hugs more than once in the evening and went in for a kiss once in the beginning of the evening where I offered my cheek, not realizing what he was doing. But then he kissed me good night as I was leaving. Now he's canceled out our plans for tonight saying he hasn't slept for days and needs to just be home. But is still sending emails about our weekend plans. I didn't do anything wrong or out of line, I didn't make any advances and I just tried to be the friend he wanted us to be. Am I reading into his actions too much? How should I handle this confusion? Any suggestions on dealing with a man going through a divorce?
Author guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 guess it's clear as mud to others too?
laRubiaBonita Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 i would just think there is so much back and forth of emeotion with this guy, that you are doing the right thing by trying to act on his terms... which was friendship. just take everything at face value and be prepared to dance this dance for at least a few months.
Author guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 lol... I thought I knew which "dance steps" we were taking, but apparently I got the wrong musical.
Author guin_girl Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Well now my "dance" has turned into a weekend marathon... it's going to be hard to just be the "cool friend".... any suggestions?
Delarocha Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Well now my "dance" has turned into a weekend marathon... it's going to be hard to just be the "cool friend".... any suggestions? My only advice for you would be to go as slow as possible. Think of this guys emotions in a very vulnerable state. Do you want to be nothing more than a rebound? I didn't think so. Although it doesn't apply to my current situation, I have had times in my past when I left a relationship only to jump into something new before I was ready. It's a natural urge because we are lonely, sad, and feeling bad about ourselves. That said, some people are able to move on more quickly than others. However, didn't this guy TELL you he thought things were moving too fast? If that is in fact the case, and I think you wouldn't be posting here unless you felt it too, you may want to back off quite a bit. Do not leave it to him to figure out why though, explain yourself. Tell him you really like him and enjoy his company, but don't want to push him into something he's not ready for. I'm not saying cut off seeing him, but maybe not for an entire weekend. Maybe just date, go to dinner, go see a movie, go for a walk together. I don't know how well you know this person, so your version of what you tell him may be different, but I think you get the idea. Don't force something too soon and make it a bad situation for yourself and this guy. Casual contact (dating) is in my opinion fine!... You don't have to completely say "We are going to be friends and nothing more." I think casual contact and time will tell if it's worth pursuing further.
alphamale Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Any suggestions on dealing with a man going through a divorce? yes, stay as far away from him as you can....he sounds pretty messed up and may become violent
Author guin_girl Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 However, didn't this guy TELL you he thought things were moving too fast? Yes, and he's the one that has made the weekend plans. The Outback Bowl is in our area and he wants to attend the events together, and they are spread out over the weekend.
Author guin_girl Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 yes, stay as far away from him as you can....he sounds pretty messed up and may become violent That's actually kind of funny... he's the most docile man you will ever meet, he's pretty much of a "sap" (and I mean that in the nicest way)... I tease him that I'm more "man" than he is... I've been in an abusive relationship, so I know all the signs and would never let it happen again, he's so far away from that, I know he wouldn't do anything. But you are correct that some men will handle their emotions with violence. Not this one...
Antha Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Play it cool, Guin. I know it is hard, but try not to have any expectations other than just having a good time. If it becomes more than that, yay, but if not, it will not hurt as much if you don't invest so much of yourself into this relationship before he's really ready. Enjoy the time you spend together, date him, but don't make it more serious than it needs to be. Good luck.
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