LegalEyz Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Not sure if any of you remember me or my story. I considered the 2nd chance despite all of your words of wisdom. It has been approximately 4 weeks that we are back together, we sold our house finally and are renting a little apartment together. We have begun marriage counselling which seems to be going nowhere, but it may be too soon to tell. I am feeling totally overwhelmed. Since my H and I got back together, he has not done much of the things he said he would. He is trying to get his job back in order, we are going for counselling, however, it seems he is just going through the motions and expects all to be peachy. I hate to mention the fact that in this short period he has backslid on his drug of choice 3 times. Although I knew this would happen because one can not conquer addiction over night, however, this took me alittle by surprise. Ok, it took me ALOT by surprise. Especially during this trial stage, I was expecting way better. After he screws up, he expects everything to be peachy again after a few days and I'm real tired ALREADY. I am considering asking him to leave. I rented this apartment originally and I told him I refuse to pack my bags and leave again. I just don't know how, when, where..... I am not even sure about the love I thought was so strong that made me take him back ... I am feeling alot of hate right now. Any advise??? Aside from .. I TOLD YOU SO... LOL Hope you all had a great Christmas and best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.
Author LegalEyz Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 C'mon .. Nobody has anything to say??? Am I that nieve to think that there is any other answer???
Delarocha Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 LegalEyz, How long have you two been going to counseling? Also, are either of you doing any independent therapy? I can certainly understand addiction, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to change overnight. HOWEVER, it sounds from your post that your husbands drug use was a big part of you two splitting up before. Did his drug use exist (and I guess was it a problem) before you were married? I may be totally out of line, but if he is serious about the relationship it may be time to sit down and begin with the ultimatums. Everyone has to make choices in life as to what is important. It may be that using is more important to him (at least at the moment) than you are. That said, perhaps he is not thinking clearly and thinks things will be ok and he can handle both his using and not lose you. I think it may be time for a serious wakeup call. I'm not saying you just tell him to leave, unless of course that is what you want. I guess what I am saying is you have to make your needs completely clear. ("I need you to either stop using OR I need you to move out.") Maybe he needs to replace the using in his life with something else. Maybe he needs professional help. I am sure at first he is not going to WANT help, or WANT something else... but perhaps if he knows you are serious and that the time for a last chance is NOW it will motivate him to change. Speaking from personal experience (unfortunately) I was not motivated to change until I fully realized I am in last chance city. Additionally, it sounds like you're not sure how you feel about your husband. Understandable under the circumstances, so this is something else to consider. I think your feelings of anger are understandable. You probably feel a bit like you took him back under false pretenses. He quits using, goes to therapy, and works for the relationship and he gets to come back into your life. I think that's a fair deal and unfortunately he's not holding up his end of the bargain. However, that is NOT to say he is incapable of change. If you can't successfully voice your opinions maybe you could write a letter to him. Explain how you feel. Explain how his choices are making you feel. Explain where things will go and when if changes do not start happening. Also, you may want to explain that you are there for him if he needs help. Maybe write some ideas for how to conquer his addiction. I know sometimes people just plain don't know where to start. (Again professional help may REALLY help) Please keep in mind that I am trying to give advice, while I certainly NEED a lot of advice from all the others on this board. I am by no means an expert, but am just speaking from my heart. Maybe my thoughts can help in some small way, or maybe they will spark additional ideas from other people. Good luck.
Author LegalEyz Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Thank you so much for your time and your words of advise. I did know about his problem prior to our marriage, so I know that part of this is my own fault. This has been an ongoing problem in our marriage for 11 years and I think I always had hope that I would be worth it enough for him to change. We have been going to counselling every week for the past 4 weeks, well he missed one because he was high so I went alone. That was a big smack in the face to me. I did give him plenty of ultimatums, only to cower down and not stick to anything I said. I've left and returned and most recently left for a month but took him back once again. I've written letters, talked, yelled, cried, supported, helped and listened, all of which was a waste of my time. I feel extremely hopeless. I gave him an ultimatum today and I will have the answer tomorrow when he comes down. I am hoping for a positive outcome, but I am not so hopeful. I told him he either gets serious help (program, meetings, sponsor) or he has to leave. I feel ready for this, I just hope that I truly am and will stick to my guns. I've gotten so much good advise on here and if I had only listened, I wouldn't be in this position. I feel like a fool, especially to friends/family who told me that people do not change. I haven't even told anyone what is going on because I am so embarrassed about my nievity. I am not sure if I love him or feel sorry for him. I think that I may continue to mistake pity for love and I am once again losing myself. Can I ask a personal question??? Are you an addict or the person on the other side??? Just asking because maybe you can give me more insight. Thank you again.
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