WhiteKnight Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Hey everyone, I'm having problems with my current relationship at the moment and I want things to work out for the best of myself and my other half. The trouble is that I'm facing a few issues with her contacting her ex-bfs and she is having issues with my ex-gfs. We are in the middle of talking things through slowly and sorting this out, which is good but need some advice. Recently I had an issue with her ex-bf visiting her alot while I am currently away on holidays overseas. Its a shame she could not come with me because of her studies and family commitments. Her ex-bf has been visiting a lot lately and my partner talks to me over on messenger feeling very worried about it. She's telling me upfront that the ex-bf is "searching for a wife" and has been asking her to do her sewing of clothes, and then one day asked her to give him a meal because he was hungry. My girlfriend was feeling very worried about it all and said to me she is feeling uncomfortable. To be honest I don't blame her, except she hangs around the ex-bf alot. The trouble is when I can't stop thinking about it and I asked her to approach to the University Student Accommodation Officer about a possible move from the unit to stay away from the ex-bf. Also, because they live on the same Student Village and next door to each other. I advised my partner not to see him anymore or as often that she should be. She explained to me that she values my relationship with her and wants to make things work. She was cheated on by her last boyfriend and I know how she felt. She understands how hurt I was with my last ex-gf, turned out to be my ex-fiancee that had hurt me so much and wants to prove her loyalty to me. My partner also advised me that she has a good friend of hers coming over there to stay with her for a few weeks until I come back, to keep her at ease. One thing remains, I can not trust the ex-bf of her and I have argued many times with her not to stay in contact with her ex-bf's because something bad might happened. Should I suspect anything to happen between the ex-bf and my partner? Do you think my partner will do the right thing and tell the guy to back off? Anyways, now for her situation with me. She's annoyed about me socialising with my ex-fiance (ex-gf) over on the net through a Star Wars clan we go with. I treat her very neutrally about this, one day I had told the ex-gf when she said, "I would like to hear from you..." I said to her, "I would but I have other obligations to deal with, however I enjoy socialising with you now and then." My partner got jealous or tensed about it, as I continued Administering that website or forum that I own. Then it got complicated, about the Star Wars roleplay that did involved my ex-gf and myself. My partner got somewhat jealous of it and I said, "They are just characters... not related to ourselves in real life." Unfortunately my partner saw it differently, and accused me of lying. But I was telling the truth. Fought and argued to the point that I still continued doing something I enjoyed which I promised her that the roleplay would come to an end with a good ending, rather than hurting everyone and my partner agreed. One day my ex-gf had contacted me on the mobile, and wanted to talk but my girlfriend had answered it before me and that... did not go well :/ Trouble is after a reconciliation, I told the ex-gf about 3 weeks later that "My mobile number had been disconnected but I would give you the number later..." My ex-gf said, "Okay then." What do you think my ex-gf would be thinking? ie. Did I end the friendship with her? or stopped her contacting me for now? Do you think its wrong of me staying as friends with my ex-gf? I have been spending more time with my partner but sometimes there is huge tension there. Also I had stopped contacting my other ex-gfs for a long time and they strangely spoke to me all of a sudden wishing me with Season Greetings via email. I didn't mind that but it was good. Any advice on what I should do next?
Walk Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 If you're going to keep in contact with your ex-finace you can't tell your gf you don't want her talking to her exbf. Either it's okay for both of you to do, or neither of you can do it. You can't have it your way, but different for her. And that's basically what you're saying. You told your ex that you'd give her your mobile when things calmed down. You know it upset your gf greatly that your ex had the number in the first place, and called you. WHy would you promise your ex, a woman you no longer want in your life, that you would give her the number again later? You're implying to your ex that you wish to continue contact, and take it to a more personal level. Why would you intentionally do something that you know will hurt your gf? Personally, I think you're being hypocritical. You want to stay in contact with your ex's. It's not all "on-line" or the ex wouldn't have had your number. It leads a person to believe that she's called more then just that once. And it won't be "just once" since you've promised to give her the new number. So in essence, you lied to your gf. Once by saying it's only an online friendship. Second by implying the ex will only call you once. Then you want your gf to move and stop talking to her ex because you're worried about what might happen. Yet you won't stop talking to you ex. So you're asking for something you yourself won't grant to your gf. Plus, if you think your gf will be inapropriate with her ex, then it leads me to believe that you have feelings still toward your ex, and the thought has crossed your mind. If you truly only saw your ex as a platonic friend, then you wouldn't be suspicious of your gf and her ex's relationship. You would assume it was the same as how you felt toward your ex. If you don't trust your gf's ex, then why should she trust your ex? If you want her to act a certain way, then you have to show her that you are more then willing to do the same for her. Don't ask for something you are unwilling to give. That's incredibly hypocritical and selfish. Don't be that guy, ok? Be a better person than that. You sound like you are a good person, act like it.
Author WhiteKnight Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 That's very good advice Walk, I'd appreciate it. Heh, yeah I guess I was being hypocrytical on myself and my partner, also maybe selfish but I can understand your reason. Well I spoken with my partner since I posted on here, about two hours later, and asked how many ex partners has she stayed in contact with since during the relationship. She said about 3 out of 5 ex-bf's she got along with. The other two cheated on her and she never wanted to hear from them again. With the 3 ex-bf's, 1 went gay lol... and the other 2 keep in contact. However one of those two are here are University with her and myself, kinda makes it very awkward for me to be quite settled. I explained to her I'm quite content if she talks to her ex-bf's only if I'm allowed to talk to my ex-gf's and get along with them as friends. My partner asked me how many I've been through, so okay I've had 6 - 8 girlfriends in the past and one of them was my ex-fiancee. But I got along with 4 of them quiet alright so far. So we laid down all the positive and negative side of it, to where we soon realised. This is the funny part, that only 2 ex partner's we really get along with quite well as very close but good friends. So my partner and I decided for the best interest of ourselves and our relationship to keep things very civil between all of them. About the ex-bf I don't trust, she doesn't trust him either so she plans to reduce contact with him or cut all ties if something drastic happens. Same thing applies to my ex-fiancee. I did explain about the mobile number issue, and I said to my partner... "I think an online friendship with her is fine to be, and if I saw her in public I would be very civil. Try to keep my distance from her." If it came down to my ex-fiancee wanting the number, I would in fact just explain that I have been thinking and decided an online friendship between the both of us would work out better rather than phoning me in my inconvenience if I want my relationship with my partner to work out, which of course do.
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Wow. That is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like you two are handling this just fine. You both explained your concerns and fears, expressed how you felt, and came to a comprimise that both of you could be happy with. Hardly ever see that on here. Good job. Just a suggestion, tell her you appreciate that she talked to you and comprimised with you. And thank her for it.
Author WhiteKnight Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Yea I will, Walk. I'll keep you posted if something else develops. Your advice was much appreciated.
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