He so lied to me!

[forbidden fruit]

A little more complicated than being with him or without him. We are both married with kids. I wish it was as simple as being with him or being without him.

[Meaplus3]

Forbidden, It is hard to see your own situation and much easier to see another's. I think for both of us the fact that we live so close to MM is a tough spot to be in. What's the longest NC you have had? I once went aboout 8 weeks, but that was only because it was not officaaly over, he wanted to take a break and see where feeling's were in a couple of month's. We did that, then started contact and the whole thing was back on. Atleast now he is the one that has said complete NC and to me that means for good! The for good part is tough, but the only way to end this crazy mess.

 

AP[/quote

]IToday is so hard for me. The longest we have ever gone NC is five days and that was broken by him. I want to be with him so badly. It is like a drug. While the same ol goes on in my house I know how much we have together and how much he makes me laugh. I have not started NC but with the holidays my H is home so we cannot see each other as friends. I am so unsure of what to do . I really miss being with him (answer) you are so lucky you did not sleep with him. It does make it alot harder. I know him in the most intimate way. I am torn between continuing the affair and completely going NC and never looking his way again. It is truly difficult because we are right in the middle. Sometimes I ask myself does he love me or the idea of me and do I love him or the idea of him. However if I didn't love him then why can't I stop thinking about him and worrying?

 

I realize that sleeping with him would have made it much worse, but we were very intimate with each other, and trust me we both saw enough of one another's body that in away it makes it worse cause I still can't help but pine for that, cause It still keeps it all a fantasy which is the part I am trying to get over! I also feel a bit rejected wich is not the best feeling.

 

I know your torn here but you probably are stuck on the fantasy part more so than anything.

 

AP

[forbidden fruit]

i am so envious and proud of you answer for following through. It is a really bad feeling to be rejected. I know this may sound horrible, but I wish my mm would reject me because that would make it easier for me to get over him. Instead he keeps dangling a carrot in front of me and saying all the things he thinks I want to hear. Having someone tell you that don't want you hurts with the first punch and then it is over, but I feel like I am going 20 rounds. I don't even know what my fantasy is anymore!!!

[Meaplus3]

i am so envious and proud of you answer for following through. It is a really bad feeling to be rejected. I know this may sound horrible, but I wish my mm would reject me because that would make it easier for me to get over him. Instead he keeps dangling a carrot in front of me and saying all the things he thinks I want to hear. Having someone tell you that don't want you hurts with the first punch and then it is over, but I feel like I am going 20 rounds. I don't even know what my fantasy is anymore!!!

 

Frobidden, I shouldn't make it sound like he did not want me cause he did and still does, he told me that 2 weeks ago. The sexual thing's he would say to me took my breathe away. The problem with him is he was afraid that we would be caught in the act and he's probably right cause eventually we probably would. So knowing how bad he want's me you see how this would make it worse for me?

 

AP

[Romeo Must Die]

answersplease MM is making you into a crazy person.

 

People want things they cannot have.

 

People also have things they do not want.

 

Meaning: if you could see what kind of life you would have had with him, maybe you wouldnt want it anymore.

 

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1030979&postcount=285

 

Read this and then decide for yourself if letting him under your skin is worth it.

[Meaplus3]

answersplease MM is making you into a crazy person.

 

People want things they cannot have.

 

People also have things they do not want.

 

Meaning: if you could see what kind of life you would have had with him, maybe you wouldnt want it anymore.

 

 

I agree with this. I wish I could just see him face to face look him in the eye and ask him," If you are so damm content with yor W and life then why in the h**** did you play such a terrible emotional game with a MW whom you knew was not happy?

 

AP

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think that he's ever going to give you the type of answers that you are looking for...

[whichwayisup]

I agree with this. I wish I could just see him face to face look him in the eye and ask him," If you are so damm content with yor W and life then why in the h**** did you play such a terrible emotional game with a MW whom you knew was not happy?

 

AP

 

And what if he asks you, "Why are you lusting after me as well? You are married and have children. Why are you letting me chase and flirt with you? What is it that YOU want."

 

What will you say to him when he turns it back onto you, AP?

 

It's a pointless discussion, you won't get any answers, just more questions and you'll be hurt and pissed off even more. You're banging your head against a brickwall here and the only answer is to try your best to make your own closure, come to peace with it and move on. If you can't do that, you're going to be stuck in this frame of mind for a very long time.

 

And I do have to say you have a husband who is willing to forgive you and give you another chance. If he knew that you were still obsessing about MM then maybe you'd be working harder on focussing on him and fixing things at home. Sorry honey if that reads harsh, you know my heart is in the right place. Just stop wasting energy on the MM. He's a jerk and not worth it.

[Meaplus3]

And what if he asks you, "Why are you lusting after me as well? You are married and have children. Why are you letting me chase and flirt with you? What is it that YOU want."

 

What will you say to him when he turns it back onto you, AP?

 

It's a pointless discussion, you won't get any answers, just more questions and you'll be hurt and pissed off even more. You're banging your head against a brickwall here and the only answer is to try your best to make your own closure, come to peace with it and move on. If you can't do that, you're going to be stuck in this frame of mind for a very long time.

 

And I do have to say you have a husband who is willing to forgive you and give you another chance. If he knew that you were still obsessing about MM then maybe you'd be working harder on focussing on him and fixing things at home. Sorry honey if that reads harsh, you know my heart is in the right place. Just stop wasting energy on the MM. He's a jerk and not worth it.

 

Whichway Thank's! I know you have a heart of gold and believe me you have saved me many times within the past year from so many decesions that I could have made with MM that would have been VERY wrong, I appreciate all your advice, always.

 

And your right about him turning it back on me , he seems to be very good at that. I have to let go and stop looking for reason's.

 

AP

[herenow]

And what if he asks you, "Why are you lusting after me as well? You are married and have children. Why are you letting me chase and flirt with you? What is it that YOU want."

 

What will you say to him when he turns it back onto you, AP?

 

It's a pointless discussion, you won't get any answers, just more questions and you'll be hurt and pissed off even more. You're banging your head against a brickwall here and the only answer is to try your best to make your own closure, come to peace with it and move on. If you can't do that, you're going to be stuck in this frame of mind for a very long time.

 

And I do have to say you have a husband who is willing to forgive you and give you another chance. If he knew that you were still obsessing about MM then maybe you'd be working harder on focussing on him and fixing things at home. Sorry honey if that reads harsh, you know my heart is in the right place. Just stop wasting energy on the MM. He's a jerk and not worth it.

 

I agree with this. Sounds like your husband has been able to rise above this game that the MM is playing. Are you willing to put in the time and energy it takes to fix your own marriage?

 

I can tell you from experience that working on a marriage post affair is hard work. It takes a full time commitment and as long as you are spending any energy on a OM, you will have no chance. I guess the real question is, do you want your marriage to work?

[Meaplus3]

I agree with this. Sounds like your husband has been able to rise above this game that the MM is playing. Are you willing to put in the time and energy it takes to fix your own marriage?

 

I can tell you from experience that working on a marriage post affair is hard work. It takes a full time commitment and as long as you are spending any energy on a OM, you will have no chance. I guess the real question is, do you want your marriage to work?

 

I would like it to work, but so much of the intimacy is just simply gone. I guess I need to figure out if that can be regained. I also think that I need some sort of closure with MM before I can fully try to repair my marriage.

 

AP

[whichwayisup]

I also think that I need some sort of closure with MM before I can fully try to repair my marriage

 

Go do some one on one counselling to help you cope and get that closure. The MM isn't going to give you the closure you want.

 

I think you also need to be as honest with your husband as possible...let him know that you need time to sort out the confusion, that you DO love him and want to try to fix things. You owe to yourself, to him and to your kids to give it your best....And I DO believe once you get MM out of your blood, that passion and intimacy will come back for your husband.

[Meaplus3]

Go do some one on one counselling to help you cope and get that closure. The MM isn't going to give you the closure you want.

 

I think you also need to be as honest with your husband as possible...let him know that you need time to sort out the confusion, that you DO love him and want to try to fix things. You owe to yourself, to him and to your kids to give it your best....And I DO believe once you get MM out of your blood, that passion and intimacy will come back for your husband.

 

Whichway, I am seeing a threapist and in many way's it's helping to let go of MM. However like I said before I am still struggling with remembering the friendship part and the passion between, Guess for me this will just take time.

 

AP

[JamesM]

As before, having read your story, I have a couple of comments...hopefully some insight from a MM who is not in an affair but could have been.

 

The wife could easily know alot more than you think. Just as you had to decide how to act, so did she. For the sake of appearances, she pretended to be extra friendly with you, and she even wants you to work out. Why? In my personal experience, I have found that when I introduced my secretaries to my wife, they became friends with her. Then they never had any interest in becoming too friendly with me. My guess is that her goal was to show you that she is your friend, and by trying to increase your friendship, she hopes you will be more sympathetic to her and less interested in her husband. She probably translated his statements that you showed inappropriate interest as simply that...not that he reciprocated.

 

Why would he pump himself up? Because he so enjoyed your attention. He wants you to keep that attention and interest in him. He wants to feel that you still miss him and long to touch him. Not that I am a stud, but when a woman keeps looking at me like she wants to hug me, kiss me, and ravish me...wow, I certainly FEEL like a stud. By letting you know via this conversation that he is as good as your husband, he is trying to keep you thinking that "Boy, I have the wrong guy"...even though he has no interest in becoming your man. He loves the attention. To me this conversation is the most telling about his true intentions. He is selfish.

 

I understand your affections toward him, but I think you are translating longing, lust, and the thrill of a crush into the word love. You have lost the passion for your husband, and he has not shown you lately how beautiful and sexy you are...while the next door neighbor has. I hope you are realizing that your feelings will not be reciprocated. I wonder if he and you became lovers...how would you feel over time if you could have him all to yourself? Right now it sounds great, but if he is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat while with you.

 

For your sake, I hope you can retain the NC this time. I can only imagine the difficulty. The time that I fell for a coworker many years ago, it was incredibly difficult to keep from going overboard and letting it become an affair. She finally left the company, and all feelings evaporated. Here is the interesting part (which is why I am blabbing it to you )...she came up to me one day and asked, "What do you do when you fall in love with someone but know you can't have them?' And she looked at me with such longing. My shocked response was: "I guess you have to forget about them."..and moved on quickly. Mind you this was out of the blue. And since I could see in her eyes what she meant, I knew that I could have her. For days and weeks, fantasies ran through my mind. If she had never brought up that idea, I never would have even considered such thoughts. I am not blaming you or making him a victim, but now (as she did) it falls on you to keep the NC rule faithfully. You may have those feelings, but unless you choose to divorce, those feelings need to stay inside.

 

Truthfully, I feel your pain. And I get the idea that you don't realize how a man's mind works sometimes. For him it has never been about love...it has simply been flirtations and attention.

 

Now refocus on your husband. What did you like about him when you met? What are his good qualities? I can tell one from this post...he is incredibly forgiving. I know from what you posted, he has been abusive emotionally, but this may be due to his "illness" that requires meds (I am not sure what that is). My guess is that if he begins lavishing attention on you or gives you extra time, then he is trying to repair his marriage. Since you sound like a very passionate woman, I think you then have a great opportunity to come out of this still together.

 

Forget the neighbor...he is selfish. Relook at your husband...in his own way, he appears to really care for you.

[Romeo Must Die]

AP, this is the power of your own fantasy with MM that posess's you. It isn't real love, because you are just feeling that emotion inside you and you are projecting it on MM. The feeling isn't reciporcated. I understand (like James said) you might even be doing this just so you can cope with the lack of intimacy with your husband, but maybe thats where things have gone wrong. For instance, you have a man that would give his life to you in your arms, and kids that look up to both of you as role models... but you desire a man who vilifies you and you are letting him victimize you. He had his own interests when it came to you and probably none of them were kind or well intentioned.

 

Sheesh

[Meaplus3]

As before, having read your story, I have a couple of comments...hopefully some insight from a MM who is not in an affair but could have been.

 

The wife could easily know alot more than you think. Just as you had to decide how to act, so did she. For the sake of appearances, she pretended to be extra friendly with you, and she even wants you to work out. Why? In my personal experience, I have found that when I introduced my secretaries to my wife, they became friends with her. Then they never had any interest in becoming too friendly with me. My guess is that her goal was to show you that she is your friend, and by trying to increase your friendship, she hopes you will be more sympathetic to her and less interested in her husband. She probably translated his statements that you showed inappropriate interest as simply that...not that he reciprocated.

 

Why would he pump himself up? Because he so enjoyed your attention. He wants you to keep that attention and interest in him. He wants to feel that you still miss him and long to touch him. Not that I am a stud, but when a woman keeps looking at me like she wants to hug me, kiss me, and ravish me...wow, I certainly FEEL like a stud. By letting you know via this conversation that he is as good as your husband, he is trying to keep you thinking that "Boy, I have the wrong guy"...even though he has no interest in becoming your man. He loves the attention. To me this conversation is the most telling about his true intentions. He is selfish.

 

I understand your affections toward him, but I think you are translating longing, lust, and the thrill of a crush into the word love. You have lost the passion for your husband, and he has not shown you lately how beautiful and sexy you are...while the next door neighbor has. I hope you are realizing that your feelings will not be reciprocated. I wonder if he and you became lovers...how would you feel over time if you could have him all to yourself? Right now it sounds great, but if he is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat while with you.

 

For your sake, I hope you can retain the NC this time. I can only imagine the difficulty. The time that I fell for a coworker many years ago, it was incredibly difficult to keep from going overboard and letting it become an affair. She finally left the company, and all feelings evaporated. Here is the interesting part (which is why I am blabbing it to you )...she came up to me one day and asked, "What do you do when you fall in love with someone but know you can't have them?' And she looked at me with such longing. My shocked response was: "I guess you have to forget about them."..and moved on quickly. Mind you this was out of the blue. And since I could see in her eyes what she meant, I knew that I could have her. For days and weeks, fantasies ran through my mind. If she had never brought up that idea, I never would have even considered such thoughts. I am not blaming you or making him a victim, but now (as she did) it falls on you to keep the NC rule faithfully. You may have those feelings, but unless you choose to divorce, those feelings need to stay inside.

 

Truthfully, I feel your pain. And I get the idea that you don't realize how a man's mind works sometimes. For him it has never been about love...it has simply been flirtations and attention.

 

Now refocus on your husband. What did you like about him when you met? What are his good qualities? I can tell one from this post...he is incredibly forgiving. I know from what you posted, he has been abusive emotionally, but this may be due to his "illness" that requires meds (I am not sure what that is). My guess is that if he begins lavishing attention on you or gives you extra time, then he is trying to repair his marriage. Since you sound like a very passionate woman, I think you then have a great opportunity to come out of this still together.

 

Forget the neighbor...he is selfish. Relook at your husband...in his own way, he appears to really care for you.

 

My goodness you really have my head spinning! First of all I think that's is just DOWN RIGHT cruel for him to have pumped himself up at that party! He's the one that initiated this last NC. Then he turns around and act's like that. In our last phone conversation on Dec 12, after the blowup with me telling him "I think his wife should know", he ended the coversation with "I will Pray for you", Why say that if he is planning on still messing with me. His action's go against his word's.James, this is a very upseting situation. This man lives right nextdoor to me. He can intise me in so many way's because he know's my marriage in on a rocky road. "Why would he say work on your marriage", then conitune to act in the way that he does?

 

I am sorry but I don't agree with you that any man or woman can fully love their spouse and be in a true loving and wonderful relationship if one of the partner's can act this way meaning MM and my therapist agrees and he's a MAN.

 

One thing I have never disclosed on this site about MM is that he got a girl pregnant as a teenager. He has a 24 year old son. He did not marry that woman. He treat's that son like he was a mistake. His two kid's with W can do no wrong. He is very strict and let's then have NO fun. Do you think this could be one of the reason's he seems to have so many issues?

 

AP

[puddleofmud]

I would feel that his wife "chatted you up" for all aforementioned reasons and perhaps a few more: she was also nervous, she loves her husband and is a good partner, thus, just trying her best to do the "right thing" just as you were.

You were probably not the only one keyed into his behavior and territorial rants re: about your husband. One could only imagine HER dismay regarding her husband's silly behavior and subsequent rant.

YET, she rose above as did you--she is a most respectable woman by having done so. She was not catty, petty nor ungracious.

You BOTH set a commendable example with both of you being challenged.

In this scenario you were respected by her as the BS, not vilified as the OW. You were also gracious as well.

Niether woman let the situation rock the boat thus the WOMEN "won".

Not a bad thing when you think about it.....

[JamesM]

AP, I am sorry if my post offended you...unless getting your head spinning was a good thing. I spent quite a bit of time looking at all of your threads to piece together your story. Any false impressions I have certainly can be corrected.

 

I want to clarify one thing. When I said he loved his wife, I meant that he himself believes he loves his wife. It is certainly not how I would define love, but in his own mind, I think he still loves her. He certainly may have been very attracted to you...I do not doubt that. I am the same age as he is, and I can understand how the excitement of a beautiful woman can be flattering. He may have always admired you and sexually desired you, but has he ever confessed to loving you?

 

The next question is...would he have ever approached you regarding feelings of love? And when you two had conversations about the two of you, was it ever more than discussions of sex? Did he ever refer to love or feelings of admiration for you? Where was his mindset? Did he complain about his wife as not meeting his needs?

 

I kinda get the impression that he was flattered with your attention but never went farther. He initiated NC first, correct? Who broke NC...you or him? Then who initiated NC again? Has he always initiated NC? Has he ever broken NC? These answers may help you understand him.

 

 

From what I read in your posts, his definition of cheating only includes sexual intercourse. Since the two of you never did that, he figures that he did not have an affair.

 

I think it is excellent that you analyze your feelings and his feelings. I gather that this has helped you from a PA. Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your husband going, now that he knows? Has he become more attentive?

 

Again, I wanted to offer my feedback. It is totally with concern for you. If I am wrong, it won't be the first time.

[Meaplus3]

As before, having read your story, I have a couple of comments...hopefully some insight from a MM who is not in an affair but could have been.

 

The wife could easily know alot more than you think. Just as you had to decide how to act, so did she. For the sake of appearances, she pretended to be extra friendly with you, and she even wants you to work out. Why? In my personal experience, I have found that when I introduced my secretaries to my wife, they became friends with her. Then they never had any interest in becoming too friendly with me. My guess is that her goal was to show you that she is your friend, and by trying to increase your friendship, she hopes you will be more sympathetic to her and less interested in her husband. She probably translated his statements that you showed inappropriate interest as simply that...not that he reciprocated.

 

Why would he pump himself up? Because he so enjoyed your attention. He wants you to keep that attention and interest in him. He wants to feel that you still miss him and long to touch him. Not that I am a stud, but when a woman keeps looking at me like she wants to hug me, kiss me, and ravish me...wow, I certainly FEEL like a stud. By letting you know via this conversation that he is as good as your husband, he is trying to keep you thinking that "Boy, I have the wrong guy"...even though he has no interest in becoming your man. He loves the attention. To me this conversation is the most telling about his true intentions. He is selfish.

 

I understand your affections toward him, but I think you are translating longing, lust, and the thrill of a crush into the word love. You have lost the passion for your husband, and he has not shown you lately how beautiful and sexy you are...while the next door neighbor has. I hope you are realizing that your feelings will not be reciprocated. I wonder if he and you became lovers...how would you feel over time if you could have him all to yourself? Right now it sounds great, but if he is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat while with you.

 

For your sake, I hope you can retain the NC this time. I can only imagine the difficulty. The time that I fell for a coworker many years ago, it was incredibly difficult to keep from going overboard and letting it become an affair. She finally left the company, and all feelings evaporated. Here is the interesting part (which is why I am blabbing it to you )...she came up to me one day and asked, "What do you do when you fall in love with someone but know you can't have them?' And she looked at me with such longing. My shocked response was: "I guess you have to forget about them."..and moved on quickly. Mind you this was out of the blue. And since I could see in her eyes what she meant, I knew that I could have her. For days and weeks, fantasies ran through my mind. If she had never brought up that idea, I never would have even considered such thoughts. I am not blaming you or making him a victim, but now (as she did) it falls on you to keep the NC rule faithfully. You may have those feelings, but unless you choose to divorce, those feelings need to stay inside.

 

Truthfully, I feel your pain. And I get the idea that you don't realize how a man's mind works sometimes. For him it has never been about love...it has simply been flirtations and attention.

 

Now refocus on your husband. What did you like about him when you met? What are his good qualities? I can tell one from this post...he is incredibly forgiving. I know from what you posted, he has been abusive emotionally, but this may be due to his "illness" that requires meds (I am not sure what that is). My guess is that if he begins lavishing attention on you or gives you extra time, then he is trying to repair his marriage. Since you sound like a very passionate woman, I think you then have a great opportunity to come out of this still together.

 

Forget the neighbor...he is selfish. Relook at your husband...in his own way, he appears to really care for you.

 

AP, I am sorry if my post offended you...unless getting your head spinning was a good thing. I spent quite a bit of time looking at all of your threads to piece together your story. Any false impressions I have certainly can be corrected.

 

I want to clarify one thing. When I said he loved his wife, I meant that he himself believes he loves his wife. It is certainly not how I would define love, but in his own mind, I think he still loves her. He certainly may have been very attracted to you...I do not doubt that. I am the same age as he is, and I can understand how the excitement of a beautiful woman can be flattering. He may have always admired you and sexually desired you, but has he ever confessed to loving you?

 

The next question is...would he have ever approached you regarding feelings of love? And when you two had conversations about the two of you, was it ever more than discussions of sex? Did he ever refer to love or feelings of admiration for you? Where was his mindset? Did he complain about his wife as not meeting his needs?

 

I kinda get the impression that he was flattered with your attention but never went farther. He initiated NC first, correct? Who broke NC...you or him? Then who initiated NC again? Has he always initiated NC? Has he ever broken NC? These answers may help you understand him.

 

 

From what I read in your posts, his definition of cheating only includes sexual intercourse. Since the two of you never did that, he figures that he did not have an affair.

 

I think it is excellent that you analyze your feelings and his feelings. I gather that this has helped you from a PA. Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your husband going, now that he knows? Has he become more attentive?

 

Again, I wanted to offer my feedback. It is totally with concern for you. If I am wrong, it won't be the first time.

 

James, You did not offend me. As far a the NC thing. He intiated it May when he said I think we need to take a break and see how feeling's are in a couple of month's. We did that. It's hard to say who intiated the next step cause when we wre out side in our yard's we would talk like we always and ofcourse flirt. We were back into the A by July and that's when I told him I loved him. His response "What are you going to do now". I never really understood that. When I told him I loved him he smiled and held me very tight. As far as his feeling go he has said to me " If I tell you how I really feel it would make this situation much worse? Again STUMPED! I always have felt his admiration, we are vry much a like. He has amitted to the fact that we have had a major emotional affair.

 

AP

[herenow]

My H told me that he never stopped loving me. I had a hard time believing that he could have sex with another woman and still love me. I think he was confused about what love is. He felt that as long as he was providing for his family he was showing love. It took many months of therapy to show him that love is an emotional connection. He has recently said that he is committed to a relationship (our marriage) for the first time in his life and that he knows how it feels to love someone.

 

Your MM may not know who he loves or how to love. This is not your problem or his wife's problem, it's his and only his problem to deal with.

 

I want to clarify one thing. When I said he loved his wife, I meant that he himself believes he loves his wife. It is certainly not how I would define love, but in his own mind, I think he still loves her. He certainly may have been very attracted to you...I do not doubt that. I am the same age as he is, and I can understand how the excitement of a beautiful woman can be flattering. He may have always admired you and sexually desired you, but has he ever confessed to loving you?

 

The next question is...would he have ever approached you regarding feelings of love? And when you two had conversations about the two of you, was it ever more than discussions of sex? Did he ever refer to love or feelings of admiration for you? Where was his mindset? Did he complain about his wife as not meeting his needs?

[Meaplus3]

Wrong Post