To all BW/BH...

[frannie]

And I am gonna cause a ruckus with what I am going to say, but what about sisterhood? What happened to having some type of comradery as women? If she wants honesty wants the truth in order to navigate in her world, what is wrong with giving it to her, kindly and without malice?

 

I certainly am not gonna blow her world up now. She doesn't want to know details. And that is fine. But if she did, as a fellow woman, I would tell her.

 

If I was faced with the situation you are, where the MM lied to the both of us, then I'd probably feel exactly the same way you do: IF she came to me asking for what I knew, and he'd been gaslighting her, then yes, I'd tell her what she wanted to know. IF she was prepared to treat me as a fellow human (rather than some degenerate ****), and in the spirit of care for a fellow human.

 

I won't say 'fellow woman' because that's just not something I really subscribe to. I don't see the world as women vs. men and we all stick together based on our gender. Cheaters come in BOTH sexes.

[herenow]

I haven't been here in a while, so I have not had a chance to read this entire thread. I'm only replying to the original idea of getting all parties in the same room.

 

In my situation, I would not have worked. The OW wanted to continue to lie so that she could keep the affair going. If my H was willing, they could have come up with a story to tell me and it would not have mattered if all three of us were in the same room or not, it would have been a lie.

 

This would only work if you knew for sure that all parties were being truthful and is there really a way to know for sure?

 

As far as secrecy, from what I understand many affairs continue after the secret has been reveled. In my case, I choose to make my marriage problems just that, problems between me and my husband. The OW is not part of that equation and has no place in any discussions between us.

 

Having said that, if you did know that everyone in the meeting would be 100% honest, it could be helpful.

[pureinheart]

That is why I interjected, if she ASKED for the truth. And I am gonna cause a ruckus with what I am going to say, but what about sisterhood? What happened to having some type of comradery as women? If she wants honesty wants the truth in order to navigate in her world, what is wrong with giving it to her, kindly and without malice?

 

You go girl, this IS what is needed!

 

Along the way, with many circumstances have lost loyalty towards my fellow women....

 

I used to have it, and need it back....

[herenow]

I can see now this would help an OW get things off her chest (so to speak), but as a BW, after being lied to by my H, I would not know what to believe. I would certainly be suspect of anything the OW would say as well as anything my H would say in front of her. I can't see this helping a BW much. JMO.

[PollyPocket]

I would love to be in the same room with the OW. I would like to know the hold she has over him.

[Meredith63]

Forgive me Polly, I dont' know your situation... is it possible that he loves her?

[GreenEyedLady]

I would love to be in the same room with the OW. I would like to know the hold she has over him.

 

She doesn't have a HOLD on him, if he didn't want to continue the A, he wouldn't...

[PollyPocket]

Forgive me Polly, I dont' know your situation... is it possible that he loves her?

 

 

I know he does I can see it. He defended her.

[herenow]

I would love to be in the same room with the OW. I would like to know the hold she has over him.

 

I think it would be to painful to be in the same room with the OW if I still thought she had a hold on my H. Fact is, if she still had a hold on him, I would insist that he go be with her.

 

Keep in mind, my attitude comes from many months of working on my marriage and overcoming my intense hatred for the OW. I would have probably said the same thing as you in the beginning.

[Freedom Now]

I can see now this would help an OW get things off her chest (so to speak), but as a BW, after being lied to by my H, I would not know what to believe. I would certainly be suspect of anything the OW would say as well as anything my H would say in front of her. I can't see this helping a BW much. JMO.

 

I don't see it as getting things off my chest, so to speak. I see it as providing her with the truth so she can make a conscious decision based on the FACTS. Perhaps not even a decision, just be informed so the nagging questions go away finally.

 

Would she believe me? Probably not, which is sad. He has lied to her so proficiently she would believe anything he says. How misguided but predictable.

 

But, if she listened to that little voice whispering that something just isn't right, and if she actually met with me, I would hope that my character would shine through and she would be able to see the truth from the lies.

 

I would answer her questions for HER. I am done with him. I require nothing from either one of them. I would do this as a favor to her....IF she walked in with an open mind.

 

But, you are right, herenow. She probably wouldn't believe a word I said. Because the truth would shatter her life as she knew it.

 

So, it is best she hasn't requested this meeting. She is safer emotionally without the truth.

[frannie]

 

Would she believe me? Probably not, which is sad. He has lied to her so proficiently she would believe anything he says. How misguided but predictable.

 

But, if she listened to that little voice whispering that something just isn't right, and if she actually met with me, I would hope that my character would shine through and she would be able to see the truth from the lies.

 

I would answer her questions for HER. I am done with him. I require nothing from either one of them. I would do this as a favor to her....IF she walked in with an open mind.

 

Which is why I said I'd really only talk to a BS if they were being gaslighted and wanted the truth about whether their H had been seeing someone. I can't see the point in involving an OW's testimony in a marriage-rebuilding... if you can't trust your partner, you can't trust your partner, and that's not a great situation to be in.

 

I mean... why is it more likely that you'll hear 'the truth' from the OW when you can't get it (or believe it) from your own partner..?

 

Perhaps in some cases it's applicable... but in many/most..? It just seems unlikely to do anyone any good.

[Freedom Now]

Oh, I agree. I don't think my testimony would be conducive to repair their marriage. Rather it would undoubtedly quickly unravel it.

 

But she has been gaslighted. The problem is: she sees ME as the enemy. When in actuality, it is him. He gaslighted us both.

 

You are absolutely right. Her instincts would be to immediately think that I had an ulterior motive to telling her what I would tell her.

 

Unfortunately, we cannot see into people's souls and see who has the black ones and who doesn't.

 

Remember, it's me versus an ordained minister.

 

In the battle of integrity, in her eyes, I lose.

[herenow]

Actually, I would love the truth, I just wouldn't know if I was getting it. The OW is a stranger to me, I have no way to tell if it was her true character or just another part of the game. I know that your intentions are honorable, but it would be very hard to prove that to a BW.

 

My best chance of getting the truth is from my H. I know him and have some reference of how to tell if he's lying. Even with that, I still have doubts. I guess it takes time to build trust.

 

Bottom line, if there was some way for me to know for sure that she would be 100% honest, I may consider it. I'm not sure I would do it, but I would leave it as an option.

 

I don't see it as getting things off my chest, so to speak. I see it as providing her with the truth so she can make a conscious decision based on the FACTS. Perhaps not even a decision, just be informed so the nagging questions go away finally.

 

Would she believe me? Probably not, which is sad. He has lied to her so proficiently she would believe anything he says. How misguided but predictable.

 

But, if she listened to that little voice whispering that something just isn't right, and if she actually met with me, I would hope that my character would shine through and she would be able to see the truth from the lies.

 

I would answer her questions for HER. I am done with him. I require nothing from either one of them. I would do this as a favor to her....IF she walked in with an open mind.

 

But, you are right, herenow. She probably wouldn't believe a word I said. Because the truth would shatter her life as she knew it.

 

So, it is best she hasn't requested this meeting. She is safer emotionally without the truth.

[Meaplus3]

Taking it to job or over-the-line personal isn't acceptable by any means. It's tempting but unacceptable. When people cross the line of common decency, they put themselves at risk to become just like the others.

 

Now making it honest, you know I believe in that. Sometimes the BW/BM will learn a few things about himself or herself as well. Better believe that the MM/MW will...

 

Ok Question here? In my situation my H is struggling with knowing of my A, but I and he are pretty convinced that the wife does not know? I think this leaves the A still in question, because I don't trust that MM will not contact me in some way again, when his ego need's a stroke. If he does Contact me I know I would gt sucked back in. Wouldn't it be better for her to know some deatils about what really went on for the past 18 months between her H and myself? Or is that not decent?

 

AP

[frannie]

Ok Question here? In my situation my H is struggling with knowing of my A, but I and he are pretty convinced that the wife does not know? I think this leaves the A still in question, because I don't trust that MM will not contact me in some way again, when his ego need's a stroke. If he does Contact me I know I would gt sucked back in. Wouldn't it be better for her to know some deatils about what really went on for the past 18 months between her H and myself? Or is that not decent?

 

AP

 

I'm not sure whether or not it's decent, but it certainly might be that she'll believe her husband and not you. Unless you're planning on your husband telling her..? In either case, since you live next door, it might be VERY uncomfortable if it doesn't go according to plan...

[Guest]

Oh I completely accept that he could be lying about things, and could be leading me on where leaving is concerned. The thing is, I don't 'want him so badly'... if he turns out to be lying and doesn't leave, then I'll accept that I was mistaken in my assessment of him: he won't be the man I think he is, and I'm sure I'm going to be pretty level-headed about it. We all make mistakes, even me . I'm sure I'll live.

 

i just think it's ironic how he's only ever the man whichever member of the triangle (whether OW or BW) thinks he is if she's the one he *picks*.

 

and then the one who's shafted decides he *isn't* the man she thought he was, of course.

 

come on, guys. that's pure silliness. one way or another, both should accept this guy isn't the man *either* of you thinks he is. and he never has been, from the moment he started it all.

[Meaplus3]

I'm not sure whether or not it's decent, but it certainly might be that she'll believe her husband and not you. Unless you're planning on your husband telling her..? In either case, since you live next door, it might be VERY uncomfortable if it doesn't go according to plan...

 

Your right! Telling her could not go according to planned and the situation could even be more uncomfortable then it allready is and I will say here for ME! I am thinking of myself right now because I think that's a real load of CR*** That she might think it was all me with the feeling's. Does she know what her husband and I talked about all this time? The physical stuff? The emotion's, the word's exchanged? NO! My H know's plenty. Watching MM get away with this is just eating at me.

 

AP

[pureinheart]

Hey Polly,

 

It could be the other way around...not trying to upset you, but it is always a possibility.

[peacelove]

She probably rocks his world.

[Trialbyfire]

Ok Question here? In my situation my H is struggling with knowing of my A, but I and he are pretty convinced that the wife does not know? I think this leaves the A still in question, because I don't trust that MM will not contact me in some way again, when his ego need's a stroke. If he does Contact me I know I would gt sucked back in. Wouldn't it be better for her to know some deatils about what really went on for the past 18 months between her H and myself? Or is that not decent?

 

AP

An affair is a secret. Time to inject some honesty into it. Notice that you and H are whispering about it. Notice that you and MM are whispering about it. Why can't she be let in on the secret too?

[Freedom Now]

If she senses the affair, it is eating away at her. And, yes, she has a right to have her questions answered. Not the incredibly painful ones that will do her no good. No need to discuss your sex life and things of that nature.

 

But the meat of the affair....yes. She, IF SHE DESIRES THE TRUTH, is entitled to it. She should be allowed to navigate in her world armed with knowledge. It just isn't fair to leave her in dark if she is asking for you to shine a light....

 

I guess the million dollar question is this: If any of US were the BS, would we want the truth or would we want to be shielded from it all?

 

In my case, painful as it would be, I would want the truth. Then I could make an INFORMED decision.

[Trialbyfire]

If she senses the affair, it is eating away at her. And, yes, she has a right to have her questions answered. Not the incredibly painful ones that will do her no good. No need to discuss your sex life and things of that nature.

 

But the meat of the affair....yes. She, IF SHE DESIRES THE TRUTH, is entitled to it. She should be allowed to navigate in her world armed with knowledge. It just isn't fair to leave her in dark if she is asking for you to shine a light....

 

I guess the million dollar question is this: If any of US were the BS, would we want the truth or would we want to be shielded from it all?

 

In my case, painful as it would be, I would want the truth. Then I could make an INFORMED decision.

THAT is the meat of this whole thread. If there's disclosure, each party can make informed decisions.

[GreenEyedLady]

THAT is the meat of this whole thread. If there's disclosure, each party can make informed decisions.

 

You assume that everyone wants to know...not everyone does...

[Trialbyfire]

You assume that everyone wants to know...not everyone does...

The people that do, might go ahead and get disclosure, the ones that benefit from the secrecy won't.

[GreenEyedLady]

The people that do, might go ahead and get disclosure, the ones that benefit from the secrecy won't.

 

That goes for the W's too...some don't want to know what their H is up to because that means that they would have to deal with it...