Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 They ALL do Hmmm...all the betrayed or all the parties involved? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Hmmm...all the betrayed or all the parties involved? I was talkin PIH situation Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 I was talkin PIH situation Agreed. There's a line not to cross, no matter how much destruction an affair has wreaked on your life. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 TBF I have to respectfully disagree with you. The 3 way meeting only works in situations where all three are willing to be completely honest. No sugar coating. Not even from the betrayed. As for the situation with the 10 year old child that you gave hypothetically, its not the same. It is not revenge or justice in having the child right their wrong - its called teaching them responsibility and the consequences of their actions. Children need that teaching. Adults should already know better. When dealing with a grown woman or man disrupting your M, you don't have the luxury of "telling their parents" to make them face the consequences of their actions. The situation with the police. Same thing. Only this time the law supports me when I call the police. Depending on the value of the stolen things, the thief can expect a long jail sentence. Heck the law would support me if the kid's parents didn't want the child fixing my flower garden - small claims court. Either way, its not revenge or justice when I go through the available authorities to address my grievances. Put it this way, I am not about to subject two adults (my H or his former OW) to a meeting in which I get to chastise either of them or demand information of them. They are not children. The consequences of their actions will meet up with them eventually. And if it has to be after death, so be it. I am cool with that (for now anyway ). Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 They ALL do LOL....for real....well ex-MM screwed himself this time, his little game back fired Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 NID, if you're cool with it for now, I guess it works for you. Watch out for signs of it in the future though. As for a ten year-old child and the legal backing, a ten year-old child does understand right and wrong in a simple situation such as property destruction. We don't give them enough credit for that and many other things but that's another topic, lol. The law also backs the adultered upon. Link to post Share on other sites
lover's rock Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 I agree with the 3 way meeting idea but it doesn't seem possible in any amount of real time. While the affair is going on the OW and MM are so wrapped up in emotions (as well as the BS albeit for different reasons) that their first goal is often preservation. The OW has to be fed up and willing to embrace truth. The BS needs to have any anger controlled and checked and be open to truth. The MM just has to be there. I attempted a situation sort of like this and it didn't work because first off I was too angry to express myself properly. Secondly, MM was not present at first and when he did show up, immediately broke up the meeting. Thirdly, all the OW (in my situation) would say is "but I love him..." Both women have to be open and at least willing to put differences aside enough to show some sort of sisterhood. Because women or women, that cannot happen until both parties are rational. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 "But I love him" is a big problem, for both the OW and the betrayed spouse. It should read "but I'm a little retarded because I have my head up my derriere and am willing to accept part of the MM/MW"... Link to post Share on other sites
lover's rock Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 lol I'm definitely in agreement with you there Tbf. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 NID, if you're cool with it for now, I guess it works for you. Watch out for signs of it in the future though. As for a ten year-old child and the legal backing, a ten year-old child does understand right and wrong in a simple situation such as property destruction. We don't give them enough credit for that and many other things but that's another topic, lol. The law also backs the adultered upon. Nowhere have I stated that I don't give a ten-year-old any credit, that's a huge leap if you will. But a ten-year-old is still subject to his/her parents. Which was my point. You were comparing apples to stick shifts, IMO. No comparison, at all. A child destroying my property is totally different from an adult in my M. Unless you are in Florida (I don't know of any other states with similar laws), adultery will not land the offenders (both MM/MW and OM/OW) any jail time. Its great that the meeting worked for you, but it doesn't work for most. Emotions are too high and people still lie, even right in your face. At some point you have to be willing to accept that you may never know the entire truth, and that you will have to allow future actions to dictate the level of trust you invest in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 Nowhere have I stated that I don't give a ten-year-old any credit, that's a huge leap if you will. But a ten-year-old is still subject to his/her parents. Which was my point. You were comparing apples to stick shifts, IMO. No comparison, at all. A child destroying my property is totally different from an adult in my M. Unless you are in Florida (I don't know of any other states with similar laws), adultery will not land the offenders (both MM/MW and OM/OW) any jail time. Its great that the meeting worked for you, but it doesn't work for most. Emotions are too high and people still lie, even right in your face. At some point you have to be willing to accept that you may never know the entire truth, and that you will have to allow future actions to dictate the level of trust you invest in the relationship. Then we need to respectfully disagree about a child being responsible for their own actions. Adultery will not necessarily land you in jail but it won't help your cause on the divorce papers. The betrayed are going to hit you where it hurts the most, financially for cake eaters. I know enough of the details to proceed with my life as I see fit. It's not about holding yourself back. I needed the honest truth to empower myself, thus heal. Ego and Id. This is only one relationship that it will affect. Btw, I had and still have the opportunity to ruin her marriage and family situation (four year-old child). I chose and choose not to. She would have lost custody because her husband would have been furious. As it stood, he would have beat her up and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have cared. I will say I was tempted but couldn't find it in me to stoop so low. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 She would have lost custody because her husband would have been furious. No she wouldnt have. Takes more then that to prove a parent unfit Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 No she wouldnt have. Takes more then that to prove a parent unfit There's way more that I haven't mentioned. She would have been considered an unfit parent if it all got out... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 TBF, Now you are changing the goal posts and that is not fair. Sure we disagree, but you are changing what we disagree about. This started about the 3 way meeting. To support your point, you interject a child as an analogy. I simply said that you don't have that luxury when dealing with an adult. Then I was accused of not giving a child credit for being able to face the consequences of their actions. I never said that a child can't be held responsible for their own actions. You were the one who initial spoke about confronting their parents with what they had done. I am glad that the meeting worked for you. I am also glad that you chose not to tell this woman's H and thus destroy her family too, not that her own actions hadn't done that already. But your way isn't necessarily the right way for everyone else is my point. That being said, we don't agree, respectfully. And I am cool with that too. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 There's way more that I haven't mentioned. She would have been considered an unfit parent if it all got out... Ever tried to prove a parent unfit?? I know of ALOT of situations where I myself though it was cut and dry and it didnt work. We are talking drugs, alcohol. Even giving them to kids. might work for a short time, but not long Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 Ever tried to prove a parent unfit?? I know of ALOT of situations where I myself though it was cut and dry and it didnt work. We are talking drugs, alcohol. Even giving them to kids. might work for a short time, but not long Perhaps, perhaps not. Yes we are talking drugs, affairs galore and all kinds of other issues. It's all moot because I won't do it. I do feel that children are sacrosanct. Now the physical violence to her is soooo tempting... Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Perhaps, perhaps not. Yes we are talking drugs, affairs galore and all kinds of other issues. It's all moot because I won't do it. I do feel that children are sacrosanct. Now the physical violence to her is soooo tempting... But dont enjoying thoughts of physical harm to her put you down to the level of her enjoying the emotional harm she did to you?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 But dont enjoying thoughts of physical harm to her put you down to the level of her enjoying the emotional harm she did to you?? Maybe it does but to resist temptation is the ultimate, isn't it? That I have that power and choose not to use it speaks clearly in my mind. *edit - btw, at the time she worked on my relationship, she also was simultaneously destroying another one. A piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Maybe it does but to resist temptation is the ultimate, isn't it? That I have that power and choose not to use it speaks clearly in my mind. Be careful with this power trip, pride coming before the fall and all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 Be careful with this power trip' date=' pride coming before the fall and all.[/quote'] I've had power most of my adult life through my career. That I can resist the siren song of temptation and not use the power when it would be so easy to use it, speaks clearly to me. If I had that much pride, I would use it with no remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 I've had power most of my adult life through my career. That I can resist the siren song of temptation and not use the power when it would be so easy to use it, speaks clearly to me. If I had that much pride, I would use it with no remorse. HUGE difference between power through a career and power in personal life. I have alot of power at work, doesnt mean a thing when the uniforms off Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 HUGE difference between power through a career and power in personal life. I have alot of power at work, doesnt mean a thing when the uniforms off Nope, not in my eyes. Power comes from within for both job and home. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Nope, not in my eyes. Power comes from within for both job and home. Nope, not a difference? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Author Share Posted December 27, 2006 Nope, not a difference? No difference. Both are about equitable treatment and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 No difference. Both are about equitable treatment and respect. So because you have power at work over people you do in your personal life? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts