To all BW/BH...

[puddleofmud]

Raw emotions are not rational (I am sooo sounding like Mr. Spock, here). Even after twenty years raw emotions may still exist or be triggered.

Even then everyone deals differently.

It is just my opinion but I feel that often the desire for a "sit down" may be more about the desire to unload--to get "it" off ones self as opposed to any good intentions.

Even, then it would all just "feed" upon itself. Would anyone leave truly satisfied? What we THINK may happen in "our heads" never does actually happen. Wife may cry, husband my console her, mistress feels no better. Wife may be shocked, husband goes nuts, mistress feels powerful...wife commits suicide.

It think that wishing for these scenarios may be more about seeking relief from pain so as to be a "fly on the wall" (as in "I wish I knew what happened after he/she left me"). It's just one aspect of trying to get though it and justifiable.

I feel that if I were asked my response at this time would be "ask your freakin' HUSBAND" (because he chose to betray the marriage) and I am not responsible for what happens NOW because it's over or that she found out--that's HIS deal.

Even if it weren't over--trouble in paradise (if the BS spouse is seeking answers) would be indication enough. Should the OP person become involved it does little but take the concentration that is about the two initial partners and give them excuses to concentrate the affair(s) which may lead to them just forgetting that and going back to what is easier for them or building a better partnership. They were FIRST and like it not it's their choice.

Justice would be more about removing myself ENTIRELY and letting things work out the way they will between the two of them. And more so about not being present or "living for" the "fall out" or "fall in".

I seek indiference and I am sure within a century or two; I will feel that way.

[Trialbyfire]

Hopefully I've answered your question. It takes a bit of time to post and then read and then post! (besides the fact my computer is running a little slower than I would like).

Oops you're right. First sentence. I think I skimmed right past it.

 

As to the handling of it, keep in mind that she feels that you destroyed her marriage first. A marriage can be viewed as high in priority to some people as a relationship to children. It's all family.

[frannie]

If you don't want him that badly, why are you in this relationship where he's legally and emotionally invested elsewhere? You are settling...

 

oops, I should have added that he's legally tied at the moment, but that's got to change. As far as emotionally... I'm pretty sure he's not emotionally involved with his wife any longer.

[Trialbyfire]

I meant that I don't want him 'so badly' that I'm prepared to stick around if he turns out to be a liar and to have been misleading me. IF he hasn't been honest with me, then he's not worth my time. I don't need that kind of man in my life.

But your relationship is a lie, just like the marriage. Why do you stay?

[movinon05]

At no time would I suggest that the OW help repair the marriage. My point is more along the lines that the MM/MW in the middle should be exposed for who they are.

 

Well let me tell you what would happen if I chose to do that. First of all, I've been out of it for 2 yrs, despite him trying to weasle his way back in 7 months ago. And I also have the knowledge that he has apparently cheated on her before (not that I knew back then). In fact, her own sister told people in town that he has done this before.

 

I have no desire to get in between whatever they have going on now, I have no desire to try and "prove" all his lies for her sake or to make her wake up and smell the coffee.

 

All I care about is that they all leave me the hell alone. I don't care what happens in their life or in their M anymore. My focus is and should be on my own personal growth, my own happiness and that of my children.

 

I have no desire to dredge it up so he can finally be exposed. Given the way she is, she'll probably drag my kids back into it again.

 

As I said, I'm done. But again, she better not confront me, or she will hear more than she ever cared to know. So that she has "the truth" to deal with, and it will shut her up once and for all.

[Trialbyfire]

Raw emotions are not rational (I am sooo sounding like Mr. Spock, here). Even after twenty years raw emotions may still exist or be triggered.

Even then everyone deals differently.

It is just my opinion but I feel that often the desire for a "sit down" may be more about the desire to unload--to get "it" off ones self as opposed to any good intentions.

Even, then it would all just "feed" upon itself. Would anyone leave truly satisfied? What we THINK may happen in "our heads" never does actually happen. Wife may cry, husband my console her, mistress feels no better. Wife may be shocked, husband goes nuts, mistress feels powerful...wife commits suicide.

It think that wishing for these scenarios may be more about seeking relief from pain so as to be a "fly on the wall" (as in "I wish I knew what happened after he/she left me"). It's just one aspect of trying to get though it and justifiable.

I feel that if I were asked my response at this time would be "ask your freakin' HUSBAND" (because he chose to betray the marriage) and I am not responsible for what happens NOW because it's over or that she found out--that's HIS deal.

Even if it weren't over--trouble in paradise (if the BS spouse is seeking answers) would be indication enough. Should the OP person become involved it does little but take the concentration that is about the two initial partners and give them excuses to concentrate the affair(s) which may lead to them just forgetting that and going back to what is easier for them or building a better partnership. They were FIRST and like it not it's their choice.

Justice would be more about removing myself ENTIRELY and letting things work out the way they will between the two of them. And more so about not being present or "living for" the "fall out" or "fall in".

I seek indiference and I am sure within a century or two; I will feel that way.

Raw emotion isn't rational but very therapeutic. The other perspective will sink in when thoughts are rational.

 

Justice does not equate to indifference. It's a way to avoid the confrontation and suppress the issues at hand.

[movinon05]

Justice would be more about removing myself ENTIRELY and letting things work out the way they will between the two of them. And more so about not being present or "living for" the "fall out" or "fall in".

I seek indiference and I am sure within a century or two; I will feel that way.

 

Well said, but it won't take a century or two.

[frannie]

But your relationship is a lie, just like the marriage. Why do you stay?

 

How is our relationship a lie?

 

I stay because I want to be with him, and I think it has a good chance of working out, given time. Why wouldn't I stay? I'm not going through any angst. Well that's not strictly true. I'm somewhat angsty that he does leave and he's really upset and there's a lot of pressure on US working out. That, more than anything else, is what I am worried about. Not about whether he's lying to me about anything. Why would he lie..? It will all come out in the wash and he'll have gained absolutely zero.

[Trialbyfire]

Well let me tell you what would happen if I chose to do that. First of all, I've been out of it for 2 yrs, despite him trying to weasle his way back in 7 months ago. And I also have the knowledge that he has apparently cheated on her before (not that I knew back then). In fact, her own sister told people in town that he has done this before.

 

I have no desire to get in between whatever they have going on now, I have no desire to try and "prove" all his lies for her sake or to make her wake up and smell the coffee.

 

All I care about is that they all leave me the hell alone. I don't care what happens in their life or in their M anymore. My focus is and should be on my own personal growth, my own happiness and that of my children.

 

I have no desire to dredge it up so he can finally be exposed. Given the way she is, she'll probably drag my kids back into it again.

 

As I said, I'm done. But again, she better not confront me, or she will hear more than she ever cared to know. So that she has "the truth" to deal with, and it will shut her up once and for all.

That's your choice how you want to address it.

 

Will you ever be an OW again?

[Can'tGiveUp]

But she is trying to repair the marriage based on lies and deceit. Surely she has a right to know what kind of man she is married to.

 

I am not talking about exacting revenge, but if she honestly wanted to know the truth for HER sanity, would you tell her then?

 

I would.

 

Their M was a mess before I knew him. He and I were together the first time when they were separated. We split when, after a year apart, she decided she wanted to try again. He seems to believe in the 2 parent family no matter what the state of the M within the family.

 

I think she has issues of her own that she has to work out and I think she projected them onto him. I don't believe either of them are honest right now and I guess I just figure it's not my M, so not my problem.

 

I truly don't think I'd tell her. Not even for her sanity (which is somewhat questionable right now). It would put her over the edge. I have very little doubt of that.

[Trialbyfire]

How is our relationship a lie?

 

I stay because I want to be with him, and I think it has a good chance of working out, given time. Why wouldn't I stay? I'm not going through any angst. Well that's not strictly true. I'm somewhat angsty that he does leave and he's really upset and there's a lot of pressure on US working out. That, more than anything else, is what I am worried about. Not about whether he's lying to me about anything. Why would he lie..? It will all come out in the wash and he'll have gained absolutely zero.

View the law. He's married.

[movinon05]

Oops you're right. First sentence. I think I skimmed right past it.

 

As to the handling of it, keep in mind that she feels that you destroyed her marriage first. A marriage can be viewed as high in priority to some people as a relationship to children. It's all family.

 

I'm quite aware she feels I destroyed her M. But so did he. BUT - I will NEVER accept her dragging all of the children through the muck. These are adult Rs to be handled by adults. If the time came to involve the children, then that bridge should be crossed after the adults have handled the situation. However, she used all of the children as pawns to try to make her own gains in her own family and to destroy mine. NOT ACCEPTABLE.

 

Look, if her H is cheating on her for 7 yrs, she's fighting something far worse than me. And again, I'm not trying to absolve myself.

[frannie]

View the law. He's married.

 

Well yes I know that.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by stating it, however..?

[movinon05]

That's your choice how you want to address it.

 

Will you ever be an OW again?

 

No chance in hell!

[Trialbyfire]

I'm quite aware she feels I destroyed her M. But so did he. BUT - I will NEVER accept her dragging all of the children through the muck. These are adult Rs to be handled by adults. If the time came to involve the children, then that bridge should be crossed after the adults have handled the situation. However, she used all of the children as pawns to try to make her own gains in her own family and to destroy mine. NOT ACCEPTABLE.

 

Look, if her H is cheating on her for 7 yrs, she's fighting something far worse than me. And again, I'm not trying to absolve myself.

Personally I think he should get dragged through the mud over and over again until he smothers from it...

 

The whole thing was 7 years of lies. A pity anyone would put up with it.

 

Okay, I understand.

[Trialbyfire]

Well yes I know that.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by stating it, however..?

So your perspective is that the institution of marriage means nothing to you? Have you sunk so low?

[NoIDidn't]

I actually don't think it would help in your sitch to sit down with him and the W. Not at all. Her actions have muddied the waters to the point that only raw emotion would prevail and that is not helpful or therapeutic.

 

But this is what I think is happening with her and may help get rid of her. She is still hurting over the first affair that he neglected to tell you about. She is taking out on you everything she wanted to take out on the previous other woman. She is not thinking straight and the thing with the kids proves it. Sometimes the W isn't all that stable, at least not the way we like to be portrayed. :smirk:

 

But telling her the truth isn't going to help any. Its just going to make her angrier and add more fuel to her fire. The best thing you could possibly say to her is: "I'm not <insert name of first OW>. I am sorry that you hurt, but this has to stop. " As long as she is still angry with you, he probably has moved on to his next OW. Men like this one never stop because their Ws never take a closer look at who they are dealing with.

[Trialbyfire]

I actually don't think it would help in your sitch to sit down with him and the W. Not at all. Her actions have muddied the waters to the point that only raw emotion would prevail and that is not helpful or therapeutic.

 

But this is what I think is happening with her and may help get rid of her. She is still hurting over the first affair that he neglected to tell you about. She is taking out on you everything she wanted to take out on the previous other woman. She is not thinking straight and the thing with the kids proves it. Sometimes the W isn't all that stable, at least not the way we like to be portrayed. :smirk:

 

But telling her the truth isn't going to help any. Its just going to make her angrier and add more fuel to her fire. The best thing you could possibly say to her is: "I'm not <insert name of first OW>. I am sorry that you hurt, but this has to stop. " As long as she is still angry with you, he probably has moved on to his next OW. Men like this one never stop because their Ws never take a closer look at who they are dealing with.

Truth on the table for all to view can never be wrong.

[frannie]

So your perspective is that the institution of marriage means nothing to you? Have you sunk so low?

 

Excuse me?

 

You're just throwing about generalised comments which have nothing to do with anything I've written. Fair enough if that's what you want to do, but don't make any assumptions about me OR what I believe in. You know next to nothing about me. 'Sunk so low'

[movinon05]

Personally I think he should get dragged through the mud over and over again until he smothers from it...

 

The whole thing was 7 years of lies. A pity anyone would put up with it.

 

Okay, I understand.

 

You think that hadn't crossed my mind? lol! I'm not a saint! But part of the healing process is being able to detach. Not feeling hate or resentment or wanting revenge. The best part is just not caring either way. And caring more for your own well being and taking care of you and what and who is important in your own life.

[Trialbyfire]

Excuse me?

 

You're just throwing about generalised comments which have nothing to do with anything I've written. Fair enough if that's what you want to do, but don't make any assumptions about me OR what I believe in. You know next to nothing about me. 'Sunk so low'

Yup. I call it as I see it. He's married, you're having an affair. No matter how you justify it, that's where you stand. He may love you but really, what do you have?

[Trialbyfire]

You think that hadn't crossed my mind? lol! I'm not a saint! But part of the healing process is being able to detach. Not feeling hate or resentment or wanting revenge. The best part is just not caring either way. And caring more for your own well being and taking care of you and what and who is important in your own life.

Yes but that's the next step towards healing. You have to rid yourself of the anger and bitterness first. After you do that, you can finally let go and honestly heal. Some people try to do this too soon and only suppress it all. That's worse than letting it out and then gaining your peace.

[movinon05]

I actually don't think it would help in your sitch to sit down with him and the W. Not at all. Her actions have muddied the waters to the point that only raw emotion would prevail and that is not helpful or therapeutic.

 

But this is what I think is happening with her and may help get rid of her. She is still hurting over the first affair that he neglected to tell you about. She is taking out on you everything she wanted to take out on the previous other woman. She is not thinking straight and the thing with the kids proves it. Sometimes the W isn't all that stable, at least not the way we like to be portrayed. :smirk:

 

But telling her the truth isn't going to help any. Its just going to make her angrier and add more fuel to her fire. The best thing you could possibly say to her is: "I'm not <insert name of first OW>. I am sorry that you hurt, but this has to stop. " As long as she is still angry with you, he probably has moved on to his next OW. Men like this one never stop because their Ws never take a closer look at who they are dealing with.

 

Please know that what I speak of has happened in the past - over the course of 7 yrs. The A ended 2 yrs ago. I've been lucky enough to have not had to deal with her or see her for quite some time, even though we live very near each other. The "talk" we both said we were willing to have was discussed years ago. Not recently.

 

If she were to confront me today, I could never say "I'm sorry for your hurt, but this has to stop." She doesn't hear that kind of "speak". The only thing that would make her stop is for me to tell her some truths, so she knows that it is not me who was trying to get him back, but him trying to continue the A. I was dealing with a woman who punched my face, kicked me, tried to humiliate me publicly, and humiliated my children and hers.

 

I'm not hurting anymore. But I do imagine she still is. Because she's the one who has to continuously call him and know where he is 24 hours of the day and follow him around to see if he's lying. She's still living a nightmare, not me.

[NoIDidn't]

To answer the OP (Trial).

 

I don't think it would help unless you have a group of really inquisitive willing to be TOTALLY honest folks.

 

I was accused years ago of sleeping around with an acquaintance's H. I never did and never was there any romantic involvement with him. He told her that I slept with him to keep him from suspecting the true others. Well, we found ourselves at a meeting together after the event and she had done some really hurtful things to me following his initial lies. I forgave her for that foolishness and told her so, but she thought that I was accepting my "place" by forgiving her. She thought that I was admitting to wrongdoing when I wasn't. I never slept with her UGLY, SKINNY H! LOL! But he didn't tell her the truth and she went on believing his lies.

 

I don't think this sit down business is advisable for all these situations. Especially when you have a BW or OW that will do any and everything to be proven "right". And a MM that will do ANYTHING to Cover his A**!

[movinon05]

Yes but that's the next step towards healing. You have to rid yourself of the anger and bitterness first. After you do that, you can finally let go and honestly heal. Some people try to do this too soon and only suppress it all. That's worse than letting it out and then gaining your peace.

 

I think you're missing my point. I'm not angry and bitter. I'm sitting here perfectly calm. And I have healed. I've moved on. My only point I was trying to make out of this whole thing is that IF she ever confronts me, she will then know truths she needs to know so that she will not confront me again and so that she will not involve my children, and what she does with that information in her M is purely up to her.

 

BECAUSE, if we do meet up in a store or wherever, she will still pull her Bullshyt, and I won't put up with it anymore (as I did in the past when I was protecting MM.)