To all BW/BH...

[Trialbyfire]

The other part that I don't understand is the need to protect the WS from the community. Why is the WS allowed to keep their dignity?

[Trialbyfire]

Little lies are still lies that can be fed

Agreed....

[Freedom Now]

My xMM's wife told NO ONE about the affair. He is a pillar in the community. A minister, at that.

 

Saving his and their family's reputation?

 

Isn't it akin to protecting the alcoholic? Covering for him/her?

 

Same type of sickness, right?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes but that doesn't make it right. I see no reason why not to allow the details to get out. It's part of busting it wide open.

[movinon05]

It would be worthwhile to have all three in a conversation. The whole truth and nothing but. All three can keep each other honest.

 

Well that's not going to happen. Because HE does not have a vested interest. His interest is in saving his A**.

 

I've put up with her bullshyt in public, in stores, at ball games, etc. I have no desire to speak with him again. Nor do I have any desire to sit in a 3-way to help them sort out their M.

 

But should she confront me again with her bullshyt in any way, in any store, in public, etc., she's gonna know the truth whether she likes it or not. Because all of his lies that he's fed her, and all of her lies and insanity to "win" the game, are going to mean that she is going to face the real reality of who she is living with, because I'm not taking the fall for or from either one of them anymore.

 

If she pulls out the gloves she better be prepared for a real reality check. I'm done!

[Trialbyfire]

Well that's not going to happen. Because HE does not have a vested interest. His interest is in saving his A**.

 

I've put up with her bullshyt in public, in stores, at ball games, etc. I have no desire to speak with him again. Nor do I have any desire to sit in a 3-way to help them sort out their M.

 

But should she confront me again with her bullshyt in any way, in any store, in public, etc., she's gonna know the truth whether she likes it or not. Because all of his lies that he's fed her, and all of her lies and insanity to "win" the game, are going to mean that she is going to face the real reality of who she is living with, because I'm not taking the fall for or from either one of them anymore.

 

If she pulls out the gloves she better be prepared for a real reality check. I'm done!

It appears that all your hostility is directed at the BW. Did she create the original situation aka affair?

[bonehead]

The other part that I don't understand is the need to protect the WS from the community. Why is the WS allowed to keep their dignity?

 

Actually it does more to protect the BS from people asking WHY?

 

The BS doesnt have to explain WHY they stayed

[Trialbyfire]

Actually it does more to protect the BS from people asking WHY?

 

The BS doesnt have to explain WHY they stayed

I don't see it that way. The betrayed wife or husband have already lost their dignity.

[movinon05]

The other part that I don't understand is the need to protect the WS from the community. Why is the WS allowed to keep their dignity?

 

I had to ponder this question for quite awhile. He could walk around town with his head up, his BS pretended like everything was peachy keen, and I was dubbed the town whore.

 

I think my exMM's own ego was fed big time.

[Freedom Now]

And the BS doesn't have to be embarrassed by everyone knowing that her husband screwed around on her.

 

That would be public humiliation for HER.

[frannie]

lol, I agree. The sheer volume of lies are phenomenal. I would hope that the OW would also want to know how many lies were told to her, although somehow I doubt that most do. Most affairs live on Fantasy Island...

 

One problem here is that... if the affair is over, why would the OW necessarily want anything to do with MM or the marriage? It's really not in her interest to go raking over coals once it's history, and she's usually the one seen as being at fault, thrown under a bus and made into chopped liver. Let them work it out between them.

 

Seems to be its pretty sad when you have to live with someone you knew lied to you about having a whole other relationship going on. If you can't trust him to tell the truth any longer, or don't want to accept what he tells you AS the truth, then (to my mind)... what's the point?

 

Believe in the person you're with, or give it up. But that's just my point of view.

[Trialbyfire]

I think all of you fail to understand how much dignity and self-esteem the betrayed spouse feels upon learning about an affair. The public humiliation portion is already too late because most of the time, the community is aware of the affair.

[Trialbyfire]

One problem here is that... if the affair is over, why would the OW necessarily want anything to do with MM or the marriage? It's really not in her interest to go raking over coals once it's history, and she's usually the one seen as being at fault, thrown under a bus and made into chopped liver. Let them work it out between them.

 

Seems to be its pretty sad when you have to live with someone you knew lied to you about having a whole other relationship going on. If you can't trust him to tell the truth any longer, or don't want to accept what he tells you AS the truth, then (to my mind)... what's the point?

 

Believe in the person you're with, or give it up. But that's just my point of view.

frannie, you really need to look to your MM. You are so convinced that he's telling you the complete truth because you want him so badly, you're willing to put up it.

[Freedom Now]

Not in my case. He lives in another state. He travels for a living so we NEVER ran into anyone who knew about him marriage or our affair.

 

I traveled other places with him. No one knew about it and no one knows that I existed.

 

Except for him and her.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Oh no. Actually, he never fed her any lies. Only me...

 

*edit - actually, thinking about it a little more, he did feed her some lies. Nvm.

 

This is very much what my situation was. He didn't lie to me. Not about his motivation for still being in the M, nor the state of it. There are things he told me that I am sure would absolutely cause her to walk away from their M. Not so much because of the content but the fact that he shared them with someone outside their M.

 

She became highly suspicious of him, and most of it related to his behavior at home, not from any proof of an A. She decided it was me because of our past relationship and has confronted him numerous times now. He ended it with me with total honesty of how it is affecting his homelife. I don't know what he would say if ever confronted with any proof by her. To date he has denied everything. However, the only way she could get proof would be from me.

 

As it is right now, I would not be honest with her. Not because I want to continue an A with him, but because I know that he wants to keep his family together. His choice is to stay in that M in order to provide his children with a 2 parent home. If he thinks he can restore some semblance of a real M, then who am I to ruin that belief? And telling her would probably do that.

[bonehead]

I don't see it that way. The betrayed wife or husband have already lost their dignity.

 

Only to the parties involved.

[movinon05]

It appears that all your hostility is directed at the BW. Did she create the original situation aka affair?

 

Actually, that's not really true. And no, she did not create the original situation.

 

But it is how she handled it afterwards... There are quite a few examples I could give, and by no means do I excuse what I did, nor do I blame her for her anger.

 

BUT, when she tried to destroy my relationship with my children and embarrasses them in public, that's a line you do not cross.

 

When she called me and told me things that I know for a fact are a lie, and she bases everything she says and does on those lies, then, yes, I'm losing compassion for her. Because I know she was really in big denial herself.

 

Right now, she's got him. He's all hers. We went through 7 yrs of this bullcrap, over and over. Personally, I can't imagine anyone wanting a H who you know betrayed you with one woman for 7 yrs. But to tell you the truth, I'm glad she stuck it out. Because I don't want him. I saw his true colors. She's apparently decided to live with them.

 

She's not going to hear anything from me. Unless she pulls her crap with me again. I'm done protecting him and I've moved on. But I'm not going to sit by, should she confront me, and listen to her bullcrap.

[Trialbyfire]

I had to ponder this question for quite awhile. He could walk around town with his head up, his BS pretended like everything was peachy keen, and I was dubbed the town whore.

 

I think my exMM's own ego was fed big time.

Then let it all out. Why do you feel that truth is limited to any party?

 

You haven't answered my question about whether the betrayed wife began the affair.

[Freedom Now]

This is very much what my situation was. He didn't lie to me. Not about his motivation for still being in the M, nor the state of it. There are things he told me that I am sure would absolutely cause her to walk away from their M. Not so much because of the content but the fact that he shared them with someone outside their M.

 

She became highly suspicious of him, and most of it related to his behavior at home, not from any proof of an A. She decided it was me because of our past relationship and has confronted him numerous times now. He ended it with me with total honesty of how it is affecting his homelife. I don't know what he would say if ever confronted with any proof by her. To date he has denied everything. However, the only way she could get proof would be from me.

 

As it is right now, I would not be honest with her. Not because I want to continue an A with him, but because I know that he wants to keep his family together. His choice is to stay in that M in order to provide his children with a 2 parent home. If he thinks he can restore some semblance of a real M, then who am I to ruin that belief? And telling her would probably do that.

 

But she is trying to repair the marriage based on lies and deceit. Surely she has a right to know what kind of man she is married to.

 

I am not talking about exacting revenge, but if she honestly wanted to know the truth for HER sanity, would you tell her then?

 

I would.

[bonehead]

I think all of you fail to understand how much dignity and self-esteem the betrayed spouse feels upon learning about an affair. The public humiliation portion is already too late because most of the time, the community is aware of the affair.

 

If the COMMUNITY knows about the affair, then the BS should have been able to pick up on it also.

 

Sorry I dont buy into the " everyone knew but me ".

 

People are not that blind.

[frannie]

frannie, you really need to look to your MM. You are so convinced that he's telling you the complete truth because you want him so badly, you're willing to put up it.

 

Oh I completely accept that he could be lying about things, and could be leading me on where leaving is concerned. The thing is, I don't 'want him so badly'... if he turns out to be lying and doesn't leave, then I'll accept that I was mistaken in my assessment of him: he won't be the man I think he is, and I'm sure I'm going to be pretty level-headed about it. We all make mistakes, even me . I'm sure I'll live.

[Trialbyfire]

Actually, that's not really true. And no, she did not create the original situation.

 

But it is how she handled it afterwards... There are quite a few examples I could give, and by no means do I excuse what I did, nor do I blame her for her anger.

 

BUT, when she tried to destroy my relationship with my children and embarrasses them in public, that's a line you do not cross.

 

When she called me and told me things that I know for a fact are a lie, and she bases everything she says and does on those lies, then, yes, I'm losing compassion for her. Because I know she was really in big denial herself.

 

Right now, she's got him. He's all hers. We went through 7 yrs of this bullcrap, over and over. Personally, I can't imagine anyone wanting a H who you know betrayed you with one woman for 7 yrs. But to tell you the truth, I'm glad she stuck it out. Because I don't want him. I saw his true colors. She's apparently decided to live with them.

 

She's not going to hear anything from me. Unless she pulls her crap with me again. I'm done protecting him and I've moved on. But I'm not going to sit by, should she confront me, and listen to her bullcrap.

At no time would I suggest that the OW help repair the marriage. My point is more along the lines that the MM/MW in the middle should be exposed for who they are.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh I completely accept that he could be lying about things, and could be leading me on where leaving is concerned. The thing is, I don't 'want him so badly'... if he turns out to be lying and doesn't leave, then I'll accept that I was mistaken in my assessment of him: he won't be the man I think he is, and I'm sure I'm going to be pretty level-headed about it. We all make mistakes, even me . I'm sure I'll live.

If you don't want him that badly, why are you in this relationship where he's legally and emotionally invested elsewhere? You are settling...

[movinon05]

Then let it all out. Why do you feel that truth is limited to any party?

 

You haven't answered my question about whether the betrayed wife began the affair.

 

Hopefully I've answered your question. It takes a bit of time to post and then read and then post! (besides the fact my computer is running a little slower than I would like).

[frannie]

If you don't want him that badly, why are you in this relationship where he's legally and emotionally invested elsewhere? You are settling...

 

I meant that I don't want him 'so badly' that I'm prepared to stick around if he turns out to be a liar and to have been misleading me. IF he hasn't been honest with me, then he's not worth my time. I don't need that kind of man in my life.