nakto321 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I needed to put this out there to get feedback on other peoples opinions. I don't really have anyone to talk to, besides my wife, and she is very difficult to talk to about our marriage. She's the first girl I've ever kissed. My first serious relationship. And I think it was a mistake now. It hurts to even type this, but I need to talk to someone. She's a completely different person now than when we first started dating 10 years ago. She used to always want to spend time with me, share my interests, and I shared in hers. We spent hours talking about everything, including what we wanted from life, and from our relationship. Things seemed a lot better then. We ended up getting married, and the current situation is, she never wants to spend time together, unless we're watching a movie or television. I don't qualify that as spending time together. She doesn't want to talk, just to talk anymore. She doesn't want to show any sort of affection. I'll give her back rubs and play with her hair for hours on end, because it gives me pleasure to know I'm helping her relax, and get rid of her headaches. I've written her poetry in the past, and I've continued to occasionally write poetry, usually something meaningful at least once a year. I have to beg to get a hug or a kiss from her, at least anything more than just a peck on the lips. If we ever have sex, it seems she thinks it's a job, and not something she wants to do. When it's over, it's like it never happened to her. She gets up and goes and gets something to eat, or goes to the bathroom, or otherwise gets back to what it was she would rather be doing, than cuddling with me. She used to share in most of my hobbies, playing video games, taking walks in the park, going over to friends houses and playing games or just talking. It seems she is satisfied with the way things are, and I've talked to her 5 or 6 times about how unhappy I am, and the things I'd like to change. She agrees with me, things change for about a week, and then revert back to their previous place. I don't know what else to do. I feel lost and alone most of the time. Can anyone give me any type of advice or opinions on my situation? If you need anymore information about the way things are, just ask. I'm pretty desperate for someone to talk to.
LakesideDream Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Kids? If children are involved your responsibility is weighted toward them. You will get many reccomendations to go to counciling. If both parties are welcome, it's a great first step. Your's is a difficult road. Tread lightly. Good Luck.
Author nakto321 Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 Kids? If children are involved your responsibility is weighted toward them. You will get many reccomendations to go to counciling. If both parties are welcome, it's a great first step. Your's is a difficult road. Tread lightly. Good Luck. Only 1 kid, hers, she had him before our marriage though. At the time he lived with his real dad in another state. Recently he moved here. He's 17 now, refuses to goto school. Refuses to study to get a G.E.D., and my wife won't back me up and help me get him to realize how important an education is. It's another thing we've fought over, several times. She treats him like a friend, instead of like a parent. She's worried he won't like her, if she makes him do something he doesn't want to do. He's spoiled, and it drives me crazy. I've tried to talk her into going to counciling. She doesn't want to go. I think she's afraid to hear the same thing from someone else that I tell her.
LakesideDream Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 A seventeen year old, isn't a "kid" especially if he isn't your kid. Her behavior toward him is typical. There is absolutely nothing you can do about him. "X" him out of your thought processes. As far as you are concerned he shouldn't be a part of any of your decisions. I experianced the same thing with counciling, however my ex and I did try 5 different councilors, all said the same thing, she rejected them. Divorce came eighteen months later (25 year marriage). You may need to seperate, both to let her know you are serious, and to give her time to make her choices. While this won't feel good for you, it may be necessary. Sounds like you are nearly out of options. Good Luck.
Oblivion Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I see alot of similarities with your situation that were in my own marriage of 12 years. (Im now going through divorce). But you have options, dont do anything hasty like I did, and then I wish I had done more. My wife wouldnt continue counseling either due to hearing what she didnt want to hear. You cant change someone, I know that sounds cliche, but they have to really recognize that there are issues, and then address them in some form. (Miine wouldnt even acknowledge there were any issues). Let her know you are serious, that a separation may be looming, you love her, and want to make your marriage work. It sounds like shes becoming detached, and thats a possible sign of many things that may be going on with her. You'll have to get to the bottom of it, just let her know where you stand. Good luck, man. We're pulling for you.
Author nakto321 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 I see alot of similarities with your situation that were in my own marriage of 12 years. (Im now going through divorce). But you have options, dont do anything hasty like I did, and then I wish I had done more. My wife wouldnt continue counseling either due to hearing what she didnt want to hear. You cant change someone, I know that sounds cliche, but they have to really recognize that there are issues, and then address them in some form. (Miine wouldnt even acknowledge there were any issues). Let her know you are serious, that a separation may be looming, you love her, and want to make your marriage work. It sounds like shes becoming detached, and thats a possible sign of many things that may be going on with her. You'll have to get to the bottom of it, just let her know where you stand. Good luck, man. We're pulling for you. Technically, for me to do something hasty that I might regret would imply that I'm just now trying to do something about this. I've been trying for over 2 years. I write her letters explaining in detail the problems I see, so she can't interrupt me, since she's reading. I've talked to her countless times. I sit her down to talk now, and she gets pissed off before I say anything other than "We need to talk." She knows she has issues. I can't figure out if she refuses to change, or isn't capable of it. The only options I see is counceling or seperation. And if we seperate, I don't know if I'll want to go back into the relationship. She does the same thing every time we talk. She'll change, for a week or two. Then everything goes back to where it was, and she act oblivious to her actions again. I don't want to act like I'm just seeking permission to leave her, I just want any opinions I can get. I want to weigh all possible outcomes before making a huge decision, such as divorce.
Oblivion Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I think I know just how you feel. Its so damn frustrating. If its been 2 years and there havent been any real efforts or changes, then something more drastic is in order. Its not fair to you to keep on like that. Divorce should be a last resort IMHO, seperation, or maybe some kind of space or break may be in order.
WhisperingWillow Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 With Oblivion and LD, she needs a harsh wake up call. Two years and no changes whatsoever? There's something very wrong here. My brother did the same thing your wife is doing to you. You know what his reason was? "Because I was allowed to do it and I knew she wasn't going anywhere", well guess what? She did go somewhere. She left him for six months. I'm not telling you to leave your wife for six months. She had absolutely minimal contact with him. He woke up. They didn't have any children, but he got to see the harsh reality of what she had been telling him. Sometimes it takes a little dose of "WAKE THE HELL UP", before someone gets it. Shame it has to come to that, but it does at points. I say you sit her down and tell her you're leaving until she can get her act together and do what you're saying. Fear is the baine of existence. Don't be afraid to do something that is justified or needed, it only causes you more misery.
Author nakto321 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 With Oblivion and LD, she needs a harsh wake up call. Two years and no changes whatsoever? There's something very wrong here. My brother did the same thing your wife is doing to you. You know what his reason was? "Because I was allowed to do it and I knew she wasn't going anywhere", well guess what? She did go somewhere. She left him for six months. I'm not telling you to leave your wife for six months. She had absolutely minimal contact with him. He woke up. They didn't have any children, but he got to see the harsh reality of what she had been telling him. Sometimes it takes a little dose of "WAKE THE HELL UP", before someone gets it. Shame it has to come to that, but it does at points. I say you sit her down and tell her you're leaving until she can get her act together and do what you're saying. Fear is the baine of existence. Don't be afraid to do something that is justified or needed, it only causes you more misery. I agree, that'll probably be what it takes. Although I'm scared that if we seperate, even for a little while, I may not *want* to go back to her. We spoke last night, for awhile. She did a lot of the things she normally does. Says she didn't realize what she was doing, and she'll change, etc. etc. I told her if things weren't completely different by New Years, which isn't very likely, that I'm moving out. She said they will, but I guess only time will tell. I started making a list of all the good things about our marriage and all the bad things, so if I decide to leave, I feel more justified to myself. It's so difficult to let go of someone you love so much, even when they don't show anything in return.
Recommended Posts