I have all the makes for a relationship but she won't commit. Now I am left hanging..

[MissingMyHubby]

I will be brief

 

Dated a girl for 6 months. She fell in love right away. I was feeling pressure to be in love the same, and her nagging pushed me away. She eventually dumped me after being hurt for too long with my inability to process emotions to her. We went 3 months of NC. She dated a guy. We hooked up 6 weeks ago, and agreed to take things slowly. I told her I was a changed man, and I proved to her by by actions and words I was the man she always wanted. This time around, I was in her shoes, and she was the one being reserved. A couple times she would say "I am content where I am at in life right now, I like having control over my life." I would get set back. After 4 weeks I said I had enough, she bought more time from me saying that she needed it. I spun my wheels longer, I know she was now feeling pressure from me because I was hurting over it. I try to walk away again to elicit a yes or no response instead of the middle ground we were on, this time she says goodbye. I am furious, I felt so lead on. Thing is, is that she talks about being afraid of letting go of me, she can't picture a future without me in it, and wants to marry me one day. So she isn't a commitment phobe. She did just graduate college 2 weeks ago, so maybe she is searching for herself and is in a crisis right now. Maybe I am in denial? I want to believe she was more reserved this time around with her feelings because before, she put her neck out, and had her heart on a platter, and I didn't take it. This time around, I showed her all my love and I didn't feel the same reciprocation back, but it may be because she's afraid of the "old" me.

 

Right now, I am giving her space. I knew she wanted space for a while now, but she was too afraid out of fear, that I would lose my feelings for her, or find someone else. Now it seems she isn't so afriad, I feel she feels she has me in her retainer at all times and I will come back to her. Not the case. The ball is in her court. Of course I want her to figure out why she isn't wanting to commit right now, and maybe this space she will figure some things out. Her friends and my friends do not like us together, and I tryed to tell her that things like that should not matter. I don't think it wil lsway her, but it does make things tougher.

 

The last convo we had which was today:

 

her: hey you

me: hello

her: ok so ill tell you what i have been thinking

me: ok shoot

her: well, i know that i have feelings for you, i know that i still love you, i know that i hvent been showing it, and i know that you feel crapy about it

her: i too feel crapy about it

her: cause i know what you feel like

me: gotcha

her: i want things to change

me: thats a good sign

her: im not mad that you talked to your pops that was prob a good idea

her: i want to figure out the reason i feel the way i do, and fix or address it whatever needs to happen

her: i do think that it may take some time

me: ok

her: i dont want to hurt you ne more in the process

her: i am afraid of losing yo u

me: ok

her: but i think that i need to take the time, and pray that the love we do have for each other is strong enough to keep us together

me: ok

her: i mean i have to trust it, and pray that God is stronger than my [COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=red]*[/COLOR]ty self

her: what do you think about that

her: you there?

me: yes....

her: im killing you arent i?

me: nah

me: im prepared for any response

me: im fine with anything

me: so what does this all mean?

her: honey im sorry, i just think that if we want this to work...and i think we both do...then we have to have a healthy relationship, and that means i have to be 100%willing to do this, not because i have a need for you in my life like filling a void, but because being together is the best thing for both of us

her: i know that we can make each other happy

her: i want to be there for you and i want this realationship to be healthy, because i dont want to just get rid of it

me: ok

me: dont be sorry tho

her: i am but im not

me: hmm. ok

her: i am because i know how you feel, and i dont want to hurt you but im not because i want what is best for us in the long run

me: gotcha

her: and i feel like if i "force" this then it will end bad...again

her: how much do you hate me right now

her: ?

her: do you feel like i honestly care or do you feel like im just being mean?

me: my 110% will make up for your 90%

her: no

her: shut it hehe

her: alright

me: ok

her: so do we cut all things off, or talk or no\

her: i dont know what you can handle, and what is too much like friends

me: yo utell me

her: i know that i want to be able to talk to you but i dont know if you feel like that will cause you more hurt

me: well ultimately are you looking to just be friends with me

her: i am?

me: im asking

her: no no

her: i want to get these feelings figured out so that we can be together

me: dont pawn this on me, i can handle anything

her: im not, meaning too

her: ok

her: im sorry

me: do u not have faith in me u think

her: i do have faith in yuo

her: a lot

her: ok

her: well the i think ill take some time, if things cross your mind, i want you to feel free to talk to me

me: what does this mean then

her: i need time, and im going to have faith that things will workout just the way they are suppose to

me: so you think that by having an unhealthy relationship now it will cause a healthy relationship down the road

me: ?

her: no

her: i think that we should take some time

her: because i want to have a healthy relationship, and i think that having a unhealthy one now will ruin that for the future

me: so what does this mean

me: you cant be rationale with love

her: haha, maybe that is why i have no freakin answer....lol,

me: tryign to be rationale , like iwas, giving conditions, makes it seems like its a matrix, but love isnt part of the matrix

her: oh boy

her: haha

me: so what do i do or you do to keep from having an unhealthy one

her: ok, well i think we should take a week, pray, and then take the time to understand what is going on in my freakin head

her: and then talk

her: what do you think?

me: i say a few days or a week to you sometimes, and you say that things dont change in a weeks time

her: i know

her: well how long do you think?

her: or do you not think time is the answer?

me: you mean, u think i think time isnt an issue, its either your in denial about your feelings or something?

her: no, i think time is what i need

me: well because i love you i will give u al lthe time in the world

me: up until age 38 (we are both 23)

her: haha

her: that is yet another reason i love you

her: even in the midst of pain you can still crack a joke

her: good man

her: haha

me: ha

me: true

her: alright, lets take a week, and then well talk

her: give me time to try to understand things inmyself

me: week? or have u thought about a good amount of time

her: i mean, i dont really know so i went with a weeek

her: if i dont know ne thing after a week ill talk to you and tell you i need more time

her: how is that

her: (my name) im so sorry

me: what about my birthday (its in february)

her: whoa

me: or is that too long

her: ummm

her: that is a long time

her: but if that is what you think

me: im throwing it out there

me: i have no idea

her: that makes 2 of us

her: haha

her: ok well how bout ill talk to you after the 1st and at least touch base

me: im thinking a week isnt long enough

her: probably true

me: well then why didnt you tell me

her: naw im just trying to think

her: not being ajerk sorry

her: lets go 2 weeks

her: that is good

her: for now

her: and then ill talk to you

me: is 2 weeks enough time for you

her: i dont know

her: well see

her: were gonna have to play this by ear

me: why dont you call me when you figure it out

me: or is that a bad idea

her: ok

her: that is fine

her: well be praying

me: do u like it or no

her: and know that dispite all this crap i do love you

her: that is fine

her: know you too can call

me: i am asking if this is fine, i just threw it out there

her: it is

her: dispite all this have a Merry Christmas

her: ok

me: despite*

her: thank you

me: so 1 week, 2 weeks, my birthday, wait until u figure it out

her: i should go back to school to spell

me: whats it gonna be

her: until it is figured out, or i feel something eneeds to be run by you

her: ok

me: i think this should be your time, i dont want to toy with you

her: ok

her: talk to you as soon as i can

her: okey

me: ok so the consensus is what so i know

her: ill talk to you when things have been figured out

me: ok, are you fine with that, because at first you said a week

me: is this the better answer 4 u

her: haha

her: yes

her: i want you to have something concrete that is why i wanted some difinative time

me: concrete meaning you in my life or not

her: at least for a quick fill in of where things re

her: concrete in that you know when i am going to be calling

me: oh

her: and yes i think you need a concrete answer from me as well

her: so i will be working on tht

me: i dont think i should be involved in steps you are taking to you getting to a certain point, like i dont wanna know you are drifting away from me or are drifting towards me, i want to know when u find out 100% u feel a certain way

me: or is that bad

her: ok

her: if that is what you want

her: i can do that

me: well in a week, u are feeling slightly different, another week u go back, another week u feel different

me: i want to know the end result

her: ok

her: that is what ill do then

her: ill call when im ready

me: or not ready

her: ok

me: that is another choice

her: gocha

her: okey dokey yimmy

me: u cant say for certain you will want me eventually, right

her: i hope that i do

her: i guess that is all i can say to that

me: so u are saying you dont, but "hope" you do

me: are you letting me down easy or am i missing something

her: no im not saying that at all i

her: am sayin that i hope i call you and i am ready

her: that is what i want to happen and i am sure you do to

her: im not tryin to be nice here

her: just honest

her: it would be easier to just be mean to you, and get it over with, that is just not what i want to do, i just want this to all work out

me: well it might be easier for the time being, but 3 years from now you may be thinking "where is the sauce" i miss him

me: u never know

her: haha

her: i now

her: know

her: alright, ill talk to you as soon as i can

her: kay

her: have a good day!

her: hugs your way...

me: ok back atcha

her: .......down the road

me: yea

 

her: later hon

me: hey ....

her: yea

me: i want no calls at 2am telling me you are going on dates. i trust this is time for yourself here and you make the best of it, im just bustin your balls tho, messin with ya

me: haha

her: haha ill keep the dd's to a min

her: haha

me: i will answer but it will be silent

me: haha

her: then ill get all pissed

her: ahah

her: haha

her: rock and roll

me: theres no reason 4 u to give me intermittent calls

her: talk to you soon

her: gocha

me: i only want the final call

her: i fully understand

her: i know

her: will do

me: is it feasable

her: yes

me: or do i have to be in your life to have an answer

her: if that is the problem ill let you know

her: ok

her: but lets just try to stick to this plan

her: okey

me: ok

her: bye hon

me: bye

 

 

Is this a glorified breakup, like letting me down easy? I am left hanging now. I know the best thing to do is move on, make myself better, get out, and have fun. I dont need to be told to do those things. But I need to know what you all think.

 

Okay, simply put, for anyone who thinks it is important, I think she has some daddy issues. Abused and neglected as a child, the whole nine yards. How much that affects her now, I don't know. She appears to be over a lot of things, and does not talk to her father anymore, but it may have shaped her. Maybe she got scared because I was able to get so close to her the 2nd time around, and she ran away. Promiscuiosness I imagine could happen during our space apart.

I mentioned to her how she was starting to lead a 100% controlled life, and she likes every aspect of it right now, except realizing it was pushing me away. The one she loves. Her father was very controlling, and that may be where some of the daddy issues are coming out. She wanted me to tell her (if we were together) if I thought she was out of line. Meaning this....She is a hardcore track athlete and is very focused on herself, and she wants me to tell her that an hour of sleep she lost by being with me is not a big deal. Its like I have to convince her things she once WANTED to do she shouldn't be in a tizzy about, and now they feel --to me, as chores to her. Her friends had told her "hey if you really love him like you say you do, you should try this." This is where I feel her love really isn't there, it may be a lost love she is trying to rekindle, or she is in denial about. She no longer WANTS to do things, or try, and ultimately it may be because I hurt her too bad from the

1st time we went out. At least I can walk away knowing I have no regrets, I was the man she wanted me to be and she didn't take him, on our 2nd trial. Now I am a man who is willing to love, show that love, and make someone feel special, and I am hoping I get that in return. Just not going to happen today. I feel I am going to be alone for a while....

 

 

Someone told me this, let me know if you all agree....

Personally I would have a hard time being with someone who was so unsure about whether she wants to be with me. This relationship is very unbalanced right now and even if she decides she wants in she would have to do a lot of work to bring that balance back. I somehow doubt she would be able to do that.

 

I advise telling her that, having thought carefully, you have decided it is in your best interests to move on and find someone who loves you enough to want a good, balanced and mutually loving relationship.

[chryssy83]

Dude, no one is going to read all that.

 

I read some, though, and here is my thought.

 

I was in a relationship where he felt like his 110% made up for my 90%. Then he got frustrated and left me. It spurred me to make a decision...I committed myself entirely to him IN HIS ABSENCE because I knew I was in love, even though I hadn't admitted it to anyone--even myself.

 

Now we broke up years later, in part because he still doesn't trust my feelings for him.

 

Don't get into a relationship where one of you isn't sure. Go do your own thing and don't wait for her. You deserve a relationship where both of you know where you stand. She's right about wanting a healthy relationship. Don't settle for anything less than someone else who is giving 110%, because you deserve it.

[norajane]

Why are you both putting so much pressure on yourselves and each other to define everything and know whether you are in love, love, or whatever? Love develops slowly over time after you've had a chance to develop trust and to grow attached to each other after going through all kinds of things together.

 

Can't you agree to take things slowly and just enjoy being together? Why define everything upfront? Give each other a chance instead of pressuring each other to know.

[MissingMyHubby]

anyone else?

[chryssy83]

Why is your screenname "missingmyhubby?"