Different Backgrounds, Different Incomes.... yet Undeniable Chemistry

[saturnalia]

I am a attractive 30 year old single woman and I normally have plenty of opportunities to date - I turned to online dating since I have been extremely busy with work (highly educated with a high profile career). I will admit I was feeling more horny than anything and I wanted to meet someone for simply a physical relationship at first.....

 

So Joe contacts me and sends his pictures. OK, he doesn't seem particularly distinguished. He doesn't even have a college education and his vocabulary isn't stellar. Joe is sweet, adorable, attractive, considerate, down to earth, my age. The quiet unpretentious type. I feel so comfortable around him like I have know him for years. We share a sport in common which we're both passionate about. The sex is mindblowing. He is intelligent with a good sense of humor, he just isn't motivated by a career the way I am. He has a very stable position with nice benefits but makes much less than I do, and its hardly comparable with my career. I can look past that, but what about my coworkers and my family? I can see that my parents would be less than thrilled but to me, but I think my happiness is the most important. I am running all this through my head because I have developed feelings for Joe, there is just something so comforting and relaxing about being with him. I definitely feel butterflies thinking about him...I just spent the whole weekend with him, we both had a great time enjoying our shared interest.

 

Had anyone here been in a situation where they are falling for someone with a totally different career, educational, financial background?? Don't most men resent women making more money in a more prestigious career? Why do I feel something for this guy when the more "appropriate" men don't do anything for me (mostly because they're too "TYPE A" and aggravate me with their pretentiousness and consumerism)?

Anyone???

[whichwayisup]

Talk to him about this stuff. Be honest and let him know how you feel about him, see how feels about you and the fact that you make more $$. It may not be a big issue to him. Maybe he'll be MR MOM if you two end up marrying and having children.

 

Don't worry about ANYBODY else, your family is your family but they aren't the ones living with you or making love to you.

[norajane]

If you didn't have your shared sport as an interest together, would that change the picture? I'm asking because if that's the only thing you have in common, it might affect your relationship in the long run if, for example, one of you could no longer participate in the sport due to injury or whatever.

 

One day, you might resent being the breadwinner and his lack of ambition...like, if you were to have children and you could not stop working to be a stay at home mom because he doesn't make enough to support all of you.

 

Do you share the same kind of life goals in terms of how to live? If so, then keep dating him, but keep your eyes open. Great sex can blur your mind to some of the practical realities of being a couple long term. Take it slow.

[Trialbyfire]

If he makes you happy, go for it. People around you will learn to accept him if he's a great guy. If they don't, it's usually a red flag.

 

I do agree about income though. Right now, you're motivated. When you have kids, this may change. Are you willing to step back in your lifestyle during that time or will you resent him for not being ambitious enough?

 

Also, be careful about the taker. Give it time to see if he turns into one of those guys who expects you to give more. If so, run for your life...

[pyroguy]

Wow, this a great thread for me to reply to because I'm a male in a similar but not exact situation-I'm married with two children.

 

First, A lot of what you ask is realitive in the sense that what is really important to YOU. I can lecture here and debate (and i will) all I want, but it depends on what people feel is important to them. It also depends on what people constitute as intelligent, educated etc., To be honest, it seems like you know the answer in your heart, but just can't let it all go.

 

I have a situation where my wife now makes a good amount more than I do. Unlike your situation, it didn't start like that. It evolved over time due to some bad luck, bad decisions etc., on my part. For her part, once she started to progress in the company, we also had a child, then another. Once the children became involved it became difficult to have two parents in a traditional corporate setting- which means they own your life and everyone stays late just to stay late. It's one thing to have one of the parents be a teacher or on the police force where it's non- traditional hours, but both in a higher paying corporate job is brutal. So, since she was already where she was, we couldn't tell her to stop. If she were lower on the totem pole and making 20k, it would have been different. Since I have a rare situation where i can almost come and go whenever I want, i can pick my kids up after school. However, that makes it's difficult to climb much higher since no higher position would ever afford me this much freedom. So, I spend alot of time considering other things to do. I know that I've spent all that time talking about me, but it was good segway into the next part. That is, there is more to a person than the surface, and that includes why they are in the position they are in.

 

See, the guy you mention sounds a little like me in that he's not pretentious(and I still get looks from females). Is he the quieter type? I am- but that doesn't mean doesn't talk- just not a loudmouth. Does he seem to be happy with the simple things in life? is he romantic? we know he's a good lover from your post. Does he have common sense knowledge? good morals and values? a high sense of right and wrong?

 

The doubts you feel are not uncommon or unfounded, but I have to wonder if they're also aided by today's society, and their view of men. I constantly hear about how the media etc, depicts the perfect women, and how it gives them such a complex. What about men?-it's the ultimate double standard! except nobody gives it much attention. Besides all the perfect physical attributes that are rammed down men's throats, we also get the power, money, success avalanche. Take a look at the shows on television these days- "who wants to be a millionaire", "Joe Millionaire", Donald Trump, etc. It's all about money, money, money, success? that's another funny word- what is success? why is that everyone really means money when they say "he's successful" what if I'm a great firefighter?, am I not successful? I just met a guy who teacher who works with autistic kids. When he wanted to leave, they did all they could to retain him. Is he not successful at waht he does? but he doesn't earn a ton of money.

 

Next is the educated issue. By your post, I would gather you meant formal education. Does he have any post highschool education? even I would prefer that, but it's not a show stopper. Also, I have met some very stupid "highly educated" people in my time. Notice I said stupid and not dumb, there's a difference. There are so many misconceptions about intelligence today. I've met carpenters who are very intelligent-and articulate enough. They do what they do because they want to, not because they aren't very smart. In fact, many of these people are geniuses because they know the corporate world isn't for them. Not all people thrive in these traditional environments- and it's not their brains- it's there personality, style and preferences. I know that i've had discussions and debates with many of these successful career people, and I have humiliated them by their lack of knowledge of the political world, history, and how we got where we are now. It doesn't matter though because they make money!

 

Also, many peole find other things much more important like family time, hence the lesser desire to work more. It's not laziness, or lack of ambition, just another view.

 

Now, as for the part about resenting women for making more, that's also due to society and women themselves. I've seen a very disturbing trend with women who make more money, and it's another hypocrisy. Women who earn more seem to have a very bad outlook on the situation with their man. i've heard comments even from 1 or 2 women on this board that seem to want to make sure their man knows who has the money. It validates everything they most likely hated about the men 50 years ago, where the women stayed home, had much less say about decisions etc., I've heard comments like "he knows I bring home the bacon , so" as in he better not act inappropriately in anyway or look at any other girls. It's as if they feel very dominant now, they don't have to or want to look good for the guy, and that he should feel lucky- everything they hated about the old school male. It's like women today want all the empowerment and the money that goes with it, but somehow still want the guy to have some form of power or superiority. That's fine and women can like who they like, but do realize that when you want the power and money, you will pass by some men too. In the process, when they have that attitude, they will also undoubtedly pass on some really good guys- narrow the field so to speak. I hope women understand that the next time they complain about no good men. What is a man? of course that could be a whole other thread, so I'll leave that alone.

 

Lastly, even you have some of that with you. This was evident in your "appropriate" guy comment. Again, what does that mean? is making money make you appropriate. When a college graduate cannot tell me what happened on december 7th, 1941, I think they are inappropriate. When a guy is inconsiderate, cocky, has low values,demeans others of lesser positions, not romantic, passionate, or is not an attentive lover, he's inappropriate.

 

This seems like you are transferring society's and your parents beliefs to yourself. Or, you are transferring what you believe they believe. Like i said, nobody can tell you if you should like someone or have a relationship with them-you have to decide that for yourself based on what you know to be important to in your heart and in your head. Also remenber that you have to spend a lot of time with someone in a relationship. You can't just sit and talk about your careers all day-what a bore that would be. Anyway, sorry for the long rant.