typical Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 This question is directed towards people who are in relationships. Who else didnt get a SINGLE thing for Christmas? Not even a letter or a card? And if you didnt get anything, did you give your SO something? Just curious.
Author typical Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 Just as I thought. Thanks for your time anyway.
tinktronik Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Nope , your too quick to jump there . I did not get a single thing . I actually have not ever got a single birthday /x-mas /valentine ect .... from my s/o . In fact i don't get gifts from my family either , I did get pics in the mail of my goddaughter from her mom , they were very sweet . I got my s/o an expensive book that he's been salivating over at the bookstore and was very dissapointed to see gone . But I had actually picked it up . We have not usually done the present thing though , I don't know why , we just have'nt . So, I did not expect anything for christmas , and I don't say anything about it because if I did I would feel shallow.
Walk Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Sorry you're feeling so down Typical. *hug* My parents bought me two towels and a tiny stuffed bear for christmas, but they bought my brother a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom house in the country. I know that's not the same as not getting anything... but sure feels like I'm the "unloved" one of the family. Why don't you say anything? Speak your mind and feelings? Stand up for what you believe is right, and let others know how you feel. It's not "shallow" to want others to show they appreciate you. It doesn't have to be gifts, could be effort, a meal cooked, dishes washed, a token of their appreciation and love. Something that signifies that they see you and want you there. Why don't you deserve that? Don't live your life in quiet suffering. You don't get a re-do when you hit old age. This is it. If you've gotta cut people out of your life who are bad for you, then do so. But don't just sit around and hate life while it passes you by.
blind_otter Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I got one thing in the mail the day after christmas. But I bought him socks and underware so it's not like we did anything special.
dgiirl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I agree with Walk. Stop martyring yourself and speak up for what you want. It's not selfish to make sure your needs get met. It's actually very healthy. When you are in good health, you can take care and give to others. This is not to say that you just demand everything go your way. But you need a balance in life where you take care of yourself first in order to take care of others. The whole gift giving thing is an interesting topic. My exh and I were not very good with gift giving. For him, he didnt believe in giving gifts to show affection. I didnt give him gifts because he was extremely difficult to give gifts to. He was very picky and never guided or hinted anything of what he wanted. After years, he resented me and I resented him. Neither one of us felt loved because we didnt show it to one another. If you are not getting gifts, you have to ask yourself why. It could be that the other person is being too lazy and you are allowing them to get away with it, or you are extremely difficult to buy presents for and the other person has given up trying. And in both cases, I think the best way of resolving the problem is to actually talk about it with the person. When you acknowledge how you feel neglected without making the other person feel ashamed or worthless, you both can work together to bring out the best in one another. You might have to start small with him buying you anything, and you appreciating it regardless of what the present is. And as time goes on, as you show more appreciation and guide him in what you want, he'll work harder on finding things you'll appreciate more. But until you actually acknowledge there's a problem, you cant fix it.
blind_otter Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 You know I'm horrible to get gifts for because I can't think of anything I want that I don't already have and I like to buy big ticket items for myself. Would it make me a prostitute if I just asked my SO to give me cash? That seems so lame. But I seriously cannot think of gifts at all unless I buy things for myself. I've always been this way. My parents used to pull their hair out trying to figure out what to get me. Maybe some people are just un-present-able.
dgiirl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 You know I'm horrible to get gifts for because I can't think of anything I want that I don't already have and I like to buy big ticket items for myself. Would it make me a prostitute if I just asked my SO to give me cash? That seems so lame. But I seriously cannot think of gifts at all unless I buy things for myself. I've always been this way. My parents used to pull their hair out trying to figure out what to get me. Maybe some people are just un-present-able. lol this describes my ex He only wants big ticket items, and then he'd get upset if I bought something like that only for him to not like it and need to return it If the non-gift giving isnt bothering you, then it's working. Just dont resent him when he doesnt buy you things I think communication is key here! Find alternative ways that will make you feel appreciated, and allow you to appreciate others. I felt worthless when I'd buy something for my ex only to know he hates it. Part of gift giving is to allow the giver to feel good too
Author typical Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Stop martyring yourself and speak up for what you want I did. Why don't you say anything? Speak your mind and feelings? I did. Maybe some people are just un-present-able. Definately not the case with me. I would be happy with a matchbox car and he knows it. Of all the gifts I have gotten from him in the past, the one that touched me the most was a card...call me sentimental, but I cried like nobody's business, and he barely wrote anything in it. Trust me, the idea of who I am is not lost on him. He should have known from that one example that even a card woud suffice. I think the best way of resolving the problem is to actually talk about it with the person. I did. And you know what he did? He mocked me. He started fake crying and saying "Im such a horrible boyfriend...I got you nothing for christmas" and trust me, it wasnt in that cutsey pouty bottom lip thing they do when they feel bad, it was out and out malicious mocking. Why don't you deserve that? Apparently, he thinks so...So, I dont know, does anyone have a creative way to ask him, because no other method seems to work.
dgiirl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I did. And you know what he did? He mocked me. He started fake crying and saying "Im such a horrible boyfriend...I got you nothing for christmas" and trust me, it wasnt in that cutsey pouty bottom lip thing they do when they feel bad, it was out and out malicious mocking. He has to be mature enough to talk about it and really see it from your pov. He's mocking because it allows him to shift focus back to you. If he can make you feel "ashamed" and selfish, then it's your problem and he doesnt have to change. What he doesnt comprehend is how it's actually making you feel, from your pov. He's still reflecting on himself and feels under attack. I dont think he'd do that if he truely understood how it made you feel. I dont know how you get them to shift focus from internal to external without making them feel under attack. You have to choose your words carefully and remain on topic, even when he's trying to shift it. Stick to business, no personal attacks, and dont let him shift the topic. And try to have a very heart to heart conversation with him. Personally, I will never deal with this again. In my marriage, I put up with it for 8 years. I felt worthless. I never felt a priority. And I have absolutely no tolerance for that now. I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life than to feel like **** while living with someone.
Author typical Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 What he doesnt comprehend is how it's actually making you feel, from your pov. I dont know how that concept breezed past him when he knew how difficult it was for me on Christmas, not only because of my past, but because I dont have anyone else to share it with. Its not like I get my needs met elsewhere, I dont have a mother to confide in, a father to look up to, no family whatsoever. I have told him here and there of the horrid christmas's I have endured, because it came up in converstations from time to time. And no, I didnt pull the poor little girl lost routine on him, everything I have told him was factually put. I dont think he'd do that if he truely understood how it made you feel. Somehow, I dont think so, especially when it felt so hurtful and uncalled for that I couldnt help but cry a bit because of it. To which he just ignored. I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life than to feel like **** while living with someone. I tried to convey this concept to him but it fell on deaf ears. Might I add that money certainly wasnt an issue, as he didnt spend one dime of his own money on christmas presents for his family. I spent my whole check and then some and even then, I had to spend the whole time by myself battling the crowds just to do it. And to get nothing in return, not even a thank you, not even a card, was like a big slap in the face. It blew my mind.
hotgurl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Might I add that money certainly wasnt an issue, as he didnt spend one dime of his own money on christmas presents for his family. I spent my whole check and then some and even then, I had to spend the whole time by myself battling the crowds just to do it. And to get nothing in return, not even a thank you, not even a card, was like a big slap in the face. It blew my mind. You bought Christmas gifts for his family and he didn't get you anything and then made fun of you when you told him how hurt you are?! I am sorry but this guy sounds like a selfish jerk.
Art_Critic Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 He mocked me. He started fake crying and saying "Im such a horrible boyfriend...I got you nothing for christmas" and trust me, it wasnt in that cutsey pouty bottom lip thing they do when they feel bad, it was out and out malicious mocking. The issue is that he didn't get you anything for Christmas.. The issue is that he is an asswipe and the relationship you have with him is not very good.. Dump him... I would never allow a GF to treat me in such a disrespectful manner and mock me and my feelings.. The door is what I would show him. The writing is on the wall... It is up to you to listen to it or ignore it
Art_Critic Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 And to get nothing in return, not even a thank you, not even a card, was like a big slap in the face. It blew my mind. Yes it was a slap in the face.. he is using you or trying to piss you off so you will break up with him so he can make you the bad guy. Show him it worked and you choose to show some dignity for yourself and cast him aside as he has done to you
Author typical Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 You bought Christmas gifts for his family Yes, and his child on behalf of the both of us of course. He couldnt be bothered. If I didnt do it, it would have never gotten done. or trying to piss you off so you will break up with him so he can make you the bad guy. Yes, valid point Art. In fact, this was where my mind was at because I know how much he adores to be considered perfect and guiltless so I accepted all the blame for all the crap in the relationship and told him I wanted out. Yesterday. He didnt like that idea at all. Geez. You think he would be happy. After all, its not his fault, right??
lonelyctg Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I know how you feel ! I got nothing for Christmas from my husband. I cried for awhile and was pretty depressed all day. I know Christmas is not suposed to just be about getting something, but, I felt sad, left out, invisable, unimportant. I mean, doesn't he even love me enough to go to the F^%$ing dollar store and pick up something, anything?? We had the money too, he bought himself an apple ipod 1 week earlier, and 2 usb drives for 150.00 - It makes me sick, I feel so sad.............
Walk Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 But you forgot that it since it wasn't his fault, then he shouldn't be punished by you taking your effort, time and money somewhere else. Typical, a woman of your wit and intellect should not be tied to such a dumb ass. My exh always had an excuse for why he couldn't get me anything for holidays and bdays too. Except that last bday, he'd always wanted a motorcycle, so he bought one and told me it was for my bday. Didn't seem to matter that I never wanted one, and it was far too big for me. He sure got a ton of use out of it. He was really happy with the bday gift he got me. But in the end, I took it in the divorce and then gave it away for free. Hahahahahaha (the bastard) Get away from this dope. Guy mocks me, he gets shown the door. No second chances anymore. I'm over it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Okay ladies, these guys are not worth your emotion, tears or effort. Go out and find men that appreciate you. You all deserve more than these jerks. Who cares how much the gifts are worth, whether they're dollar store purchases or not, if they're not out buying ipods for themselves, that is. It really is the thought that counts.
Author typical Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Except that last bday, he'd always wanted a motorcycle, so he bought one and told me it was for my bday. Didn't seem to matter that I never wanted one, Walk....This JUST happened to me...LAST NITE....He (apparently feeling an attack of conscience) came to me and told me that he is going to get me "something" and made me research it and call around and was all set to go ahead and get it last nite until he realized that you needed the other part to use it for what HE wanted to use it for. So he said "well, just forget it then". For me, it would have been perfect without that other part, but when it really came down to it, it was actually a present just for him. I had my hopes up too. I didnt bother arguing with him and telling him that he said it was for me, for christmas and not for him, and when it didnt meet the requirements for what HE intended to use it for, all of a sudden my future present was tossed out the window so to speak. Typical, a woman of your wit and intellect should not be tied to such a dumb ass Walk, your words above was my Christmas gift. Thank you for having such a nice opinion of me. It feels good to be thought of in such a wonderful manner for once.
Author typical Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Thing is, because I have been tied to him for so long, you kind of lose touch with reality, with what is acceptable and what isnt. The only way that I feel justified and heard is when I present my problems to you guys. People tend to forget, that there is a gradual chipping away of your self worth when you get sucked into relationships like these. You start to question if it really is you who is crazy and needs help. For some people, LS offers a way to present their problem and finally for once get heard. Some people are just confused and need help understanding. Everyone gets waylaid in their life once and awhile.
blind_otter Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Walk, your words above was my Christmas gift. Thank you for having such a nice opinion of me. It feels good to be thought of in such a wonderful manner for once. For what it's worth, I think you're the bees knees. Very charming, funny, intelligent, and good with words. And I think you deserve a prince, not a frog.
dgiirl Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Thing is, because I have been tied to him for so long, you kind of lose touch with reality, with what is acceptable and what isnt. The only way that I feel justified and heard is when I present my problems to you guys. People tend to forget, that there is a gradual chipping away of your self worth when you get sucked into relationships like these. You start to question if it really is you who is crazy and needs help. For some people, LS offers a way to present their problem and finally for once get heard. Some people are just confused and need help understanding. Everyone gets waylaid in their life once and awhile. This is SO true. The "abuse" or dysfunction doesnt happen in one shot. If it did, we would clearly see it and would not put up with it for one second. We would not put up with this treatment from a stranger, yet loved ones get away with it. It's VERY gradual, hardly noticeable and you are constantly doubting yourself wondering if you are overreacting or too demanding, when in reality the other party might be totally to blame. From what you've written, either your SO is not listening or he doesnt care. In either case, the ball is now in your court to make a decision. Will you put up with his current treatment which probably will get worse, or teach him that this is important to you and he'll have to face the consequences. You need to get him to understand this is really important to you, you need to shock him into reality. Right now, he's comfortable because he's thinking you'll put up with it. When he realizes you wont, he might change, or he'll move on. But trust me from someone who was once in your shoes. Living alone, although not always the best thing in the world, it IS SOOO much better than feeling like **** around someone else. Although I get lonely from time to time (which is what friends are for), I do not make myself feel guilty, I dont doubt myself, I dont critisize myself, I dont have to make compromises with myself, I dont have to worry about what someone else thinks or wants or needs. I dont care if someone doesnt like me or thinks i'm selfish or bitchy or demanding. My life is a lot more quiet and peaceful.
Author typical Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 For what it's worth, I think you're the bees knees. Very charming, funny, intelligent, and good with words. And I think you deserve a prince, not a frog. :love: Otter, I am half in love with you!! You just put a huge smile on my face, which of course is rare. I prefer doom and gloom mostly.
Author typical Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 This is SO true. The "abuse" or dysfunction doesnt happen in one shot. If it did, we would clearly see it and would not put up with it for one second. We would not put up with this treatment from a stranger, yet loved ones get away with it. It's VERY gradual, hardly noticeable and you are constantly doubting yourself wondering if you are overreacting or too demanding, when in reality the other party might be totally to blame. exactly. Will you put up with his current treatment which probably will get worse, or teach him that this is important to you and he'll have to face the consequences. You see, this is where people get waylaid. I think they know at a certain point that they are being abused in some way, and they want to do something about it, but it is at this very point that they get hung up. They have two choices. To leave or to teach. Most people choose to teach which further entrenches them in the abusive cycle, they become more entwined and attached.
a4a Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 exactly. You see, this is where people get waylaid. I think they know at a certain point that they are being abused in some way, and they want to do something about it, but it is at this very point that they get hung up. They have two choices. To leave or to teach. Most people choose to teach which further entrenches them in the abusive cycle, they become more entwined and attached. Well you would need a willing student with at least some capacity to learn to make it worth your while..... and consider the value to you of starting to teach them vs. just packing it in. Another aspect to think of : are you able to teach or will you just be extending the R without a positive outcome? Not every person has the skills to "teach" another as they have not yet learned enough to do so.
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