Should I believe him??

[cutesypie73]

Hi all

 

I thought I could do with some more advice. Last thread I posted I was torn between going for it with my boss or telling him I wasn't interested as he is in a relationship. Well I listened to my conscience and resisted him. I told him I wasn't interested until he decided if he wanted me or his current girlfriend. He then told me he had some serious thinking to do...

 

Well... he has now come back to me and told me he has fallen for me!! He says this has never happened to him before and he has never felt this way. He says he is willing to leave his girlfriend, current life and home for me! However there is a 'but' (as always), he says it is going to take time. Now i'm a big girl and I do understand he wants to ensure the break is clean etc etc

 

It IS a big step as it will involve moving 200 miles away from his family/ home town and transferring to work in my office. I have voiced my concerns regarding him being sure of his decision, I already know I am in love with him and we have done nothing more than kiss so far. He tells me it wouldn't matter if I lived on the moon as he would still crawl all the way there to be with me (his exact words not mine!!).

 

It sounds ideal, however a little voice in my head keeps warning me not believe it until it actually happens! I have read most of the threads on this site and I understand that sometimes they promise you the world and do not deliver. Is it my own insecurity or should I be wary??

 

Any advice will be appreciated....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Tell him that he can take all the time he needs, but that you will not be available to him as anything but a business associate during that time. Let him know that the minute that he is completely in the clear and available, that he can give you a call. Until then, he gets nothing from you but friendship - cut off all the kisses, no hugs, nada - until he comes to you a free man he should be treated as nothing more than a business associate. Keep conversations brief and non personal. If he gives you any static, just remind him that he can have all of you: when and ONLY when you get to have all of him.

 

If you continue to act as his girl on the side, that is the best you can continue to expect. Let him know firmly that you are worth more than "other woman" - if he wants you, he has to make you the "only woman".

[oyster]

It IS a big step as it will involve moving 200 miles away from his family/ home town and transferring to work in my office.

 

I have read most of the threads on this site and I understand that sometimes they promise you the world and do not deliver. Is it my own insecurity or should I be wary??

 

ok lots more challenges, he has to move mountain and earth for you on top of all other challenges you are aware from reading this section.

 

Consider it a blessing you found this forum BEFORE an Affair starts.

 

What you can say is "When you are AVAILABLE, give me a call" and stick to it.

 

If you are still stubborn. Date other guys, keep this MM as a side burner boy toy No String Attached

[ratingsguy]

I think I asked you this already, but how long have you known this guy?

 

As far as him leaving his current home and girlfriend, not to be rude, but I'll believe it when I see it. This is an all too familiar storyline around here. Ask him exactly how much time it will take. If it's a reasonable amount of time, hold him to it, and not a day more. Make it perfectly clear that you can't put your life on hold for him any longer than necessary. You have to be firm, otherwise he might take advantage of you (another familiar storyline around here, too). Make sure that you're looking out for yourself before looking out for him.

 

That's the long answer. The short answer is yes, be wary.

 

Good luck to you!

[cutesypie73]

Thanks guys very appreciated!!

 

I have known him around a year as my boss but our feelings have only developed over the last 3 months or so. I could easily have given in to my feelings many times but I have stuck to my guns and made it quite clear I am not prepared to be his 'bit on the side'.

 

I guess past relationships have left me wary and insecure generally but sometimes I feel you must follow your heart. If not I may go through life wondering What if?? I guess i'll try and pin him down to a rough date and see what happens.

 

Thanks again guys, you help more than you realise!! I'll keep you all infomed...

[alphamale]

i would agree with LCB

[frannie]

Hi all

 

I thought I could do with some more advice. Last thread I posted I was torn between going for it with my boss or telling him I wasn't interested as he is in a relationship. Well I listened to my conscience and resisted him. I told him I wasn't interested until he decided if he wanted me or his current girlfriend. He then told me he had some serious thinking to do...

 

Well... he has now come back to me and told me he has fallen for me!! He says this has never happened to him before and he has never felt this way. He says he is willing to leave his girlfriend, current life and home for me! However there is a 'but' (as always), he says it is going to take time. Now i'm a big girl and I do understand he wants to ensure the break is clean etc etc

 

It IS a big step as it will involve moving 200 miles away from his family/ home town and transferring to work in my office. I have voiced my concerns regarding him being sure of his decision, I already know I am in love with him and we have done nothing more than kiss so far. He tells me it wouldn't matter if I lived on the moon as he would still crawl all the way there to be with me (his exact words not mine!!).

 

It sounds ideal, however a little voice in my head keeps warning me not believe it until it actually happens! I have read most of the threads on this site and I understand that sometimes they promise you the world and do not deliver. Is it my own insecurity or should I be wary??

 

Well, he's giving you all the 'right' words... crawling to the moon, etc. The fact seems to be that he's not even married, but just living with a girlfriend... and there are no children? If this is correct, then it really doesn't seem like it would take so long to sort all this out.

 

Usually on this board, people are involved with someone who is married with children, and there is a lot more at stake, legal processes to go through, child access to be arranged possibly through the courts and so on. All a very different proposition (to my mind).

 

So... this boss of yours is making things sound very long-drawn out and complicated, and he's asking you to be involved with him (in what way?) while he 'sorts it out' (moves house, essentially). Most people have done that at some time or another and this may sound harsh but, it's really no big deal.

 

If you really are 'the one' for him, and he's never felt this way before, then there really shouldn't be anything holding him back...

 

What everyone has said here, and what your little voice is telling you, is that things aren't adding up. IF he really knows beyond doubt that it's you he wants, and he doesn't want to be with his current girlfriend, then with the very little stopping him, he could sort this all out in next to no time... months at the most. In the meantime he could be honest with her (after all, he hasn't cheated, just wants out), and not compromise you by getting you involved with him when he's still living with another woman.

 

What will happen if you decide to take him at his word and get involved with him..? I'm willing to bet that it's suddenly far, far more complicated all of a sudden: his girlfriend has a terrible illness, or she will 'fall apart' without him, or some other kind of problem will come up.

 

You know what to do, and it's what you've suggested: ask him what are the things he needs to sort out, and how long he thinks it will take, and get him to give you regular updates so you can see how it's all progressing. Whatever you do don't go getting involved... you are already feeling 'in love' with him after a short while and a kiss...

 

Read some of the other threads on here, and don't believe none of this could ever happen to you, because your story is already bearing all the hallmarks of a complete mess about to happen.

 

You could also try reading up about people who get involved with others and start declaring love and commitment and changing their whole lives for someone they really barely know: that in itself is something of a 'red flag'... people who get involved all of a sudden and declare feelings that are based on very little, can just as quickly declare that the feelings weren't real... and exit your life with devastating effects.

 

Really... do some serious reading on this. It sounds like a fairy tale... and they don't happen.

[cutesypie73]

Well, he's giving you all the 'right' words... crawling to the moon, etc. The fact seems to be that he's not even married, but just living with a girlfriend... and there are no children? If this is correct, then it really doesn't seem like it would take so long to sort all this out.

 

Usually on this board, people are involved with someone who is married with children, and there is a lot more at stake, legal processes to go through, child access to be arranged possibly through the courts and so on. All a very different proposition (to my mind).

 

So... this boss of yours is making things sound very long-drawn out and complicated, and he's asking you to be involved with him (in what way?) while he 'sorts it out' (moves house, essentially). Most people have done that at some time or another and this may sound harsh but, it's really no big deal.

 

If you really are 'the one' for him, and he's never felt this way before, then there really shouldn't be anything holding him back...

 

What everyone has said here, and what your little voice is telling you, is that things aren't adding up. IF he really knows beyond doubt that it's you he wants, and he doesn't want to be with his current girlfriend, then with the very little stopping him, he could sort this all out in next to no time... months at the most. In the meantime he could be honest with her (after all, he hasn't cheated, just wants out), and not compromise you by getting you involved with him when he's still living with another woman.

 

What will happen if you decide to take him at his word and get involved with him..? I'm willing to bet that it's suddenly far, far more complicated all of a sudden: his girlfriend has a terrible illness, or she will 'fall apart' without him, or some other kind of problem will come up.

 

You know what to do, and it's what you've suggested: ask him what are the things he needs to sort out, and how long he thinks it will take, and get him to give you regular updates so you can see how it's all progressing. Whatever you do don't go getting involved... you are already feeling 'in love' with him after a short while and a kiss...

 

Read some of the other threads on here, and don't believe none of this could ever happen to you, because your story is already bearing all the hallmarks of a complete mess about to happen.

 

You could also try reading up about people who get involved with others and start declaring love and commitment and changing their whole lives for someone they really barely know: that in itself is something of a 'red flag'... people who get involved all of a sudden and declare feelings that are based on very little, can just as quickly declare that the feelings weren't real... and exit your life with devastating effects.

 

Really... do some serious reading on this. It sounds like a fairy tale... and they don't happen.

Appreciated Frannie, I understand what you are saying but I DO feel I have to give this an opportunity to see what happens. I have been firm with him in regard to an 'affair' and he does repect my feelings on this. He doesn't bug me constantly for sex, granted he would jump at the chance if I gave in but i'm not going to.

 

I have read many of the threads and I don't sit with my head in the clouds thinking i'm cinderella either! However, I am a great believer in fate and who says fairytales never happen? I have many friends who's own PERSONAL fairytales have happened. I think it depends on your own perspective of a 'fairytale' really. I didn't go looking for this and I don't believe he did either. I have spent a year with him as my boss and we have never been anything but professional until recently. Even now, we haven't 'consummated' the 'affair' so I guess we still haven't actually done anything wrong.

 

With regard to the 'complications', yes he does have a child. However, his daughter is from his previous marriage and in order to move 200 miles away I guess that will involve some time to arrange contact with his daughter from a distance. I would never push him on this issue as I have 3 daughters that went through a lot when their dad left.

 

No offence, but i'm not prepared to become bitter and yes I DO believe the fairytale can still happen. Life is just unfair sometimes and makes it very complicated. At the end of the day I am going to give it time, not forever, but a few months. If it happens then great, if not then it was not meant to be.

[frannie]

Appreciated Frannie, I understand what you are saying but I DO feel I have to give this an opportunity to see what happens. I have been firm with him in regard to an 'affair' and he does repect my feelings on this. He doesn't bug me constantly for sex, granted he would jump at the chance if I gave in but i'm not going to.

 

I have read many of the threads and I don't sit with my head in the clouds thinking i'm cinderella either! However, I am a great believer in fate and who says fairytales never happen? I have many friends who's own PERSONAL fairytales have happened. I think it depends on your own perspective of a 'fairytale' really. I didn't go looking for this and I don't believe he did either. I have spent a year with him as my boss and we have never been anything but professional until recently. Even now, we haven't 'consummated' the 'affair' so I guess we still haven't actually done anything wrong.

 

With regard to the 'complications', yes he does have a child. However, his daughter is from his previous marriage and in order to move 200 miles away I guess that will involve some time to arrange contact with his daughter from a distance. I would never push him on this issue as I have 3 daughters that went through a lot when their dad left.

 

No offence, but i'm not prepared to become bitter and yes I DO believe the fairytale can still happen. Life is just unfair sometimes and makes it very complicated. At the end of the day I am going to give it time, not forever, but a few months. If it happens then great, if not then it was not meant to be.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest anyone become bitter or disbelieve what people they're involved with say to them. I'm involved with a MM myself, and have been for 3 years. He's not left yet, but says he will be leaving in the New Year... what do I do? I take him at his word, but I'll believe it when I see it. I am as involved with him as I choose to be, but I'm not pinning all my hopes on any particular result.

 

I didn't mean to upset you by suggesting that you were perhaps hoping for a fairy tale... I would have been driven mad if someone had said that to me in the past!

 

I still stay that things seem to be going too fast here as far as declarations vs. action. I'm advising you to hold back from taking it as read that he'll do what he says he wants to do until he makes some definite moves.

 

Another thing that you might not want to hear, but I'm going to say anyway: all he did was say he'd 'fallen for you' and you took that as meaning actions will follow. I'm telling you this because TWO years ago, my MM said he wanted to leave his wife. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two very different things. Please don't fall into anything more with him. Listen to what people are saying here... you're NOT into a physical affair yet... step back, and become as professional with him as you can until he makes some move.

[cutesypie73]

Hey Frannie

I didn't mean to come across all defensive!! I appreciate ALL advice I receive here, it just doesn't mean I agree with everything. Life would be dull if we all agreed!!

As far as him 'falling for me', he has also told me he is in love with me and he wants me more than what he has got at home. He is very sweet and attentive and we have both agreed to be honest with each other. I know that seems honesty is the last thing he can voice, mostly because he is not being honest with his current girlfriend but in a strange way I trust him with the truth.

We have both tried to ignore the feelings and back away from the situation but our feelings are too strong. I guess I will only find the answers if/ when he takes any action. I am seeing him on a work outing on the 4th January so we can have a talk about it all then. A timescale of some kind seems to be the best way forward and i'll see if he sticks to it.

 

By the way, I hope you situation works out for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to be 3 years into this and being no further forward! You take care girl, and no offence was taken from your comments. I know you are just trying to help!!

[whichwayisup]

Just remember, if he can lie to his girlfriend, he can lie to you as well. You may not want to hear that, but just be aware.

[JamesM]

Wow, I am always sad, mad and impressed when I hear how committed men can "fool" another girl. I certainly don't mean to be harsh to you. I know that you want to believe him, and if you were not emotionally involved, you could be more objective.

 

I am sad because statistically he won't leave for you. But if he does, statistically, he will do the same to you. He has been married....what happened? Did he leave that wife for another woman? You really need to know the truth on this one. And now has committed to a woman who sits back at home...and probably has no idea that he is betraying her trust.

 

I am mad that a guy can get away with playing the field in such a manner when all he needs to do is first break up with his current girlfriend and THEN call you and confess his love. The relationship would be "legitimate." I am mad because of all of the broken hearts he leaves along the way.

 

And yet I am impressed how a guy can be so persuasive.

 

What should you do? From what I read, you know what to do, but as they say, your heart won't cooperate. Tell him to take all of the time he needs, and when he is "free" from all other committments, he may give you a call...you may be waiting.

[torranceshipman]

I'm in a similar situation, my guy is with a long term girlfriend that he lives with, no wife/kids/mortgage, and he says he'll leave (and like you, he has nothing really holding him back), but to be honest, most of these guys/girls on this website seem to have been spun the same line (and I'm no jaded person, I've only been in the 'relationship' on & off for about 5 months) - if people don't just leave their partner, straight away, then it seems seriously suspect. Might be totally bona fide, and it might end well, but I'm doubtful in most cases!

 

Hey James, will you post on my thread - 'what do i do??' - I like your answers! Everyone/the majority seem to give good advice on here, actually. To be fair, the more I read on this pretty cool site, the more I'm itching to just run, to be honest (from the man, not the site, lol!).

[puddleofmud]

If HE is the one willing to move to your area and have a new work position that does allow the both of you to date each other, as you would both be SINGLE.

Wait until if he does this and require him to court you just as any woman in a dating situation would. He doesn't have to "live" with you since you are already self-supporting and any man should be!

He chose this so if this doesn't end up working out for you (once you have gotten to know him better) then it's not your problem it didn't work out.

Until then don't give it much thought and date just as well.

Hope it all works out for you and best wishes for many fun filled dates!

[kymberann]

Good on you for NOT accepting OW status Cutseypie!

Now you just have to leave the rest up to him and see what he does.