Passion vs. Friendship

[insomnie]

Which do you think is more important to a relationship?

 

Passion - the feeling that your SO the one you will go to all lengths to keep and make happy, because you are completley head over heels in love?

 

Or slow, steady friendship - loving your SO's companionship, having things in common?

 

 

Of course they are both important and necessary in different quantities. But, what would you rather have more of?

 

It's always been passion for me but I'm starting to think friendship makes for happier healthier couples... passion oftentimes turns negative and breeds far more resentment, esp. when someone has higher quantities of it for the other person.

[alphamale]

friendship is boring, passion is sexy

[silentcharon]

Passion - the feeling that your SO the one you will go to all lengths to keep and make happy, because you are completley head over heels in love?

 

This is what I'd want in the beginning of a relationship.

 

Or slow, steady friendship - loving your SO's companionship, having things in common?

 

I'd save this for later when things die down a bit- of course, I'd want some passion along with this.

 

Of course they are both important and necessary in different quantities. But, what would you rather have more of?

 

Passion= turbelent but exciting. Slow and steady= stable but boring at times.

 

I'd prefer the slow and steady one in the long run, with the occasional injection of passion. But that's just me, I haven't really dated much.. meh.

It's always been passion for me but I'm starting to think friendship makes for happier healthier couples... passion oftentimes turns negative and breeds far more resentment, esp. when someone has higher quantities of it for the other person.

 

I disagree. What you are talking about- issues are often brought into relationships and passion does not make it worse, jealousy does. There is nothing wrong about being more passionate than your SO is, it just really depends on what sort of issues there are. Passion only becomes a negative quality when people let the issues bother them.

 

It's interesting- in my design class, I had a project to do of four emotions (gentle, passion, busy and anger) that I had to translate into visual descriptions in three different categories, Devative (actual visual representations, ie: I made a picture of a mother holding a baby for the emotion Gentle), Organic (soft and flowing shapes found in nature) and Geometric (with circles, squares and triangles, in different sort of patterns). I had a difficult time with passion and anger- both hold the same amount of intensity of feeling, but is quite the opposite of each other.

 

I found that Gentle and Passion were very similiar to each other, as well as the emotion Anger and Busy. Yet, Passion and Anger still showed some similiar qualities. It depends on how one defines Passion. Needless to say, it was an interesting project.

 

It's a good way to analyze yourself- how you think about different emotions and why. Try it yourself- you will find it very difficult to seperate Anger and Passion.

[Curmudgeon]

For the long-haul I'd want friendship because the passion necessarily follows in which you both want to unselfishly please one another which gives each of you pleasure.

 

Before we married my wife asked me on a scale of 1-10, how important sex was in a relationship. My response was that sex by itself was a 4 but lack of sex was a 10. She thought that was the wrong answer but later came to understand precisely what I meant because despite two prior marriages, ours was the first relationship in which she'd experienced truely meaningful sex and passion.

 

As we age, sex becomes less of an issue but friendship is what cements the relationship and keeps it strong and vital. This does not necessarily mean that sex dwindles and dies out but it becomes more comfortable, less frenetic, more caring and, in the end, more meaningful and fulfilling. In short, it becomes an expression of the friendship you hold for one another and not simply a means unto itself.

 

My wife and I were friends for five years before we began going out together. Our 10th anniversary if four days from now and after 15 years of having her in my life I simply can't imagine it being otherwise. Neither of us has ever experienced such sensuality and 20 years from now (when I'm 80) I doubt it will be any different.

 

Sorry for the long-winded answer but it's a wonderful question.

[Storyrider]

My twelve-year marriage is a great friendship but passion has always been a problem. It does get frustrating. Stability, affection, mutual interests, intellectual compatibility and respect are all great. The passion takes a lot of work, and this is sometimes depressing.

[Trialbyfire]

You need both in proportionate amounts, to keep the home fires burning.

[Curmudgeon]

Yesw, it DOES take a lot of work. My wife and I romance one another daily in small ways. It may be a note, a card, a message writtin in the fog on the bathroom mirror, a hug or a pat in passing, reminiscing about signature times in our relationship, comfoting one another, paying special attention by preparing and serving a special and favorite meal (I cooked Christmas dinner and breakfast to order this morning), you name it. Time consuming, yes. Depressing, not at all. It's a joy!

[alphamale]

My twelve-year marriage is a great friendship but passion has always been a problem. It does get frustrating. Stability, affection, mutual interests, intellectual compatibility and respect are all great. The passion takes a lot of work, and this is sometimes depressing.

why do you think many people have affairs? its mainly for the passion

[Storyrider]

why do you think many people have affairs? its mainly for the passion

 

I agree. I have been in a past relationship where what I call "animal chemistry" was hot from the get-go. Loving the sight of his naked body and just wanting to jump him whenever I got the chance. However, I did not marry that person.

 

I have to think that would help in a marriage long term, and that while maintaining the romance would take work, not as much work as it does when things were already screwed up on the honeymoon.

[Rooster_DAR]

Considering passion dies out after a few years in a commited relationship, I am more for the long term best friends and compatality relationship. I do however, think passion and falling in love in the beginning is a good sign that some of the pairing essentials are present. It's up to the couple to keep the passion alive, not just one person.

 

Curmudgeon sounds like he is in a very mature and preferred type of marriage. You notice he did say "it's hard work", but reading the rest of his post I long to be in a marriage or LTR like his.

 

Cheers!

[IpAncA]

If I had to pick I would choose friendship because the passion may run out quicker then the friendship. I would rather have a life time of friendship then a shorter time of passion. But in order for that to work my SO would have to want that to and not look for passion elsewhere.

 

But a relationship needs both in my opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

If I had to pick I would choose friendship because the passion may run out quicker then the friendship. I would rather have a life time of friendship then a shorter time of passion. But in order for that to work my SO would have to want that to and not look for passion elsewhere.

 

But a relationship needs both in my opinion.

You have to want that too. It never works if you're only doing it for someone else.

[IpAncA]

You have to want that too. It never works if you're only doing it for someone else.

O darn it I knew someone was going to pick that up. I meant me too. Both do have to want to do that.

[Trialbyfire]

O darn it I knew someone was going to pick that up. I meant me too. Both do have to want to do that.

Okay, capiche.

[whichwayisup]

have been in a past relationship where what I call "animal chemistry" was hot from the get-go. Loving the sight of his naked body and just wanting to jump him whenever I got the chance. However, I did not marry that person.

 

I know what you mean. My ex many years ago was like that too. Such chemistry! We were amazing in the bedroom...It was just outside of the bedroom the rest of the relationship that sucked. He was unsupportive, annoying, selfish, childish and forgetful.

 

I think it's best to have friendship, with some of that passion...The passion comes and goes throughout the relationship/marriage, but the friendship and intimacy is always there. That's what I have with my husband now.

[Tony T]

Both passion and friendship are significant components of a lasting relationship. One is no more important than the other. Passion will NOT last without friendship. Friendship can last but is ONLY friendship without passion.

[alphamale]

Both passion and friendship are significant components of a lasting relationship. One is no more important than the other. Passion will NOT last without friendship. Friendship can last but is ONLY friendship without passion.

passion is usually what starts the rrelationship but it almost always fades over time.

[Trialbyfire]

passion is usually what starts the rrelationship but it almost always fades over time.

Not always. Only if the two in the relationship allow it to die.

[orangehose]

For the long-haul I'd want friendship because the passion necessarily follows in which you both want to unselfishly please one another which gives each of you pleasure.

 

Before we married my wife asked me on a scale of 1-10, how important sex was in a relationship. My response was that sex by itself was a 4 but lack of sex was a 10. She thought that was the wrong answer but later came to understand precisely what I meant because despite two prior marriages, ours was the first relationship in which she'd experienced truely meaningful sex and passion.

 

Wow what a great response!

 

What did your wife think the right response was (to the importance of sex in a relationship)?

 

I have to say I entirely agree - sex in itself isn't hugely important, but the LACK of it is. There are so many married couples who essentially don't have sex after a few years... I just find that rather depressing. Physical intimacy is a big component of what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship, and (at the risk of sounding a little flaky) there are tons of hormonal things happening during it that cement the pair bond (oxytocin anyone?)

 

But returning to passion / friendship... I think friendship is a very important foundation. I think it's hard in the long run to be in a romantic relationship with someone that you wouldn't be friends with. But there should be some dose of lust. Really, if you don't feel that towards the other person in some degree, it's not fair to the other person to be in a relationship with them... I know couples in which the female is not really attracted to the male, but feels obligated to remain in the relationship because the other parts of it work okay... I think that's kind of unfortunate though for both partners.

[Guest]

I don't think passion can be created. It's chemistry and it is either there or it isn't. I had a boyfriend where the chemistry was "hot" from the moment we got together. We were together 3 years and it was "hot" the entire time. We had other problems outside of the bedroom. I didn't end up marrying that guy but ended up marrying a wonderful guy who is compatible and easy to get along with. We have been married for 14 years and no matter how I try I can't create passion with him. I love him dearly and sex is satisfying but there's no replacement, no replacement at all for passion. It is priceless!!!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree here as well, great post. I also think there are still many people in society that have issues with sex, and it's primarily women. Women were brought up to be good girls, so many women struggle as adults with sexual inhibitions due to how they are cultured, same for some men as well.

 

You can't rule out attraction as a factor either, it has a lot to do with it.

 

Cheers!

[Curmudgeon]

At the time my now wife made it very clear that was the wrong answer. It didn't take very long for her to realize what I meant and agree with it. Neither of her two former marriages were really based on friendship which is all part and parcel of why they're past. Then she stayed single and uninvolved for 18 years, developed the perfect Ice Maiden persona and had some real trust and abandonment issues. Our friendship let me see the real person behind the uninviting exterior she projected and let her risk trusting me.

[Storyrider]

It helps if at least one person in the relationship has an expressive and passionate personality. If both are shy, inhibited, reserved, or even too intellectual and not emotional enough, then it is hard for either one to reignite the flames after the initial fire has burned itself out.

[Curmudgeon]

Thankfully we're both very passionate people as well as very spiritual (and that doesn't necessarily mean religious). The fires have yet to go out and I doubt they ever will. The best part of all is that we really communicate and can talk together about anything and everything.

[monkey00]

I believe its very possible to have passion and friendship immediately in the early stages of a relationship. But the only time i've seen that happen are in specific FWB relationships.

 

excellent question though, although the best relationships have a strong friend foundation. Personally I'd go with friendship. of course passion is important too...but passion just winds up better when there's an ongoing connection.

Afterall what's the fun of a relationship if the both of you cant joke around and have fun?