mehim Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 well here is the thing, my baby is probably one of a million in the world because he is the best man a woman could ever ask for. He is good to me, never leaves me mad, he takes care of me, I always come first before himself. I can't describe to you how much I love him as well. But here is the bad ME, that every time I see him, I get mad over the stupidest thing ever, ever!! and when I get mad, that means I will be mad for a while for that day. No matter how much he tries to fix it, its too late. I don't want to be like that, he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. I really want to get better and treat him how he treats me. So what can I do??? I don't want to be over sensetive from him.. I just want to see him spend a good time together without me runining it, almost every time!!!! Please any suggestions from you guys would be greatly appreciatied.
jusified Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I sound like your fiance (except my girl left me). I could also understand what you are saying except I got upset at things and It usually affects me for the whole day (I think thats how we are). They weren't stupid though, My ex always wanted to talk to other guys, she wanted to meet up with an ex alone a few times with out having to tell me about it and email and chat to other guys who are obviously interested inher. Which ended up in her leaving me and now shes overseas on a hliday for 6 month (LOL, sorry to hi-jack your thread). If you love your ex so much then just talk to him, tell him what you posted here. What kind of stupid stuff is it though?? and why are you upset?
Author mehim Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 I just want to correct that he is not my ex (God forbid), we are still together. It's funny some of the stuff that you mentioned I used to do, such as talk to an ex. but we ended that and made a deal that it won't happen. so from that part its ok. He knows how I feel, he knows I have a bad temper, and he says he has a worst temper but he contols himself. The stupid things such as "why do I call him to open the door for me before I actually get there (stand in front of the door), because he is usually in his underware so he doesnt want to wait at the door." but I call him earlier so he would put something on till I get to the door, so do I make sense. Anyways, I just want ways to help me be more relaxed, and easy with him, and treat him GOOD.
jusified Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 LOL that is pretty stupid. I knew he was your fiance, but with all the writing about ex here on the forum it just sliped, I apologies and I'm sure you guys will do very well. well next time you are geting upset at something you know is stupid then instead of getting mad, try and see it as something funny. Example, tell him to open the door in his underware because you want to see how much he wants to see you You know what i mean, i don't think anything anyone can say will help you change your temper. I have a bad temper and i am trying to improve, its you yourself that needs to change your temper. Besides, from what you have said it seems you guys aint doing too bad. Just know everything is good and you still have each other, don't let the little things keep you from been happy. on a side note, if the little stupid things which annoy you because they represent a bigger problem (like you feel like he don't treat you well) then think about it. Is there really a problem? if there is talk to him about it. Best of luck and happy holidays
Walk Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Usually if I'm getting annoyed over a lot of little things, things that normally wouldn't bother me, then there's a bigger problem going on. Either I'm feeling like I'm putting in a lot of work, and not getting the same in return, or I'm feeling less than appreicated overall. There are times where it has nothing to with anything my bf is doing, but those are times where the rest of my life is stressful, and not handling real world problems too well. Then I get annoyed easily, but it wouldn't matter who the person was, I had a short temper in general toward everyone. Take a good look at all the little things that cause you to get upset, and see what they have in common. Having your finance meet you at the door in underwear isn't inheriently bad, but if it's EVERY TIME, I could see being a bit irritable with that. Plus, if this is just one out of a long line of areas that he is doing, it might be showing a lack of effort to show he does still want to keep your attention on him. My suggestion, take a good long look at all the things you are saying get you mad at him. Try to figure out what they all have in common, what message they are sending to you. Then talk to your fiance about how you feel. But I think you need to be incredibly bluntly honest with yourself first, about how you feel and about how his actions make you feel. It doesn't matter if you think it's wrong or right to feel that way right now.. just keep it simple; how does it make you feel, and why. Do that with all your "little things" that upset you. Find the underlying message, and present that to your bf.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Maybe he's too nice to you. He shouldn't put ALL your needs first before his own...It's possible this is why you're treating him like crap, so he'll fight back.
Author mehim Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 Maybe he's too nice to you. He shouldn't put ALL your needs first before his own...It's possible this is why you're treating him like crap, so he'll fight back. He is not too nice to me, actually he is just right. Also its not really all my needs before him, its little cute stuff that a man does, such as when tasting new food he would give me a bite first, nothing major though. I also was going through some tough time, I started going to school, and I was finding a job, and I just did last week. so things are getting better for me. The other thing is too that we used to spend a lot of time together, and now we don't. Not becasue we don't want to, it's just hard right now, so we see each other once to twice a week. which makes me miss him a lot. So when I first see him, the smallest thing that he would do would upset me. While I just want to hug him and kiss him, but then I would just be mad. I think I should give it some time since things are working out a little bit better for me so I wouldn't be as stressed. Thank you for your advise WALK, I had a feeling that it may not be really him. But I kept thinking why do I take it out on him? so I guess now I know!!
Author mehim Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 Maybe he's too nice to you. He shouldn't put ALL your needs first before his own...It's possible this is why you're treating him like crap, so he'll fight back. He is not too nice to me, actually he is just right. Also its not really all my needs before him, its little cute stuff that a man does, such as when tasting new food he would give me a bite first, nothing major though. I also was going through some tough time, I started going to school, and I wasn't finding a job, and I just did last week. Things are getting better for me. The other thing is too that we used to spend a lot of time together, and now we don't. Not becasue we don't want to, it's just hard right now, so we see each other once to twice a week. which makes me miss him a lot. So when I first see him, the smallest thing that he would do would upset me. While I just want to hug him and kiss him, but then I would just be mad. I think I should give it some time since things are working out a little bit better for me so I wouldn't be as stressed. Thank you for your advise WALK, I had a feeling that it may not be really him. But I kept thinking why do I take it out on him? so I guess now I know!!
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Sometimes, when someone lets us walk all over them...we do it. I suspect that maybe something a whole lot deeper is happening with you. I know I tend to be a great gf until I start to fall in love with someone, then I start to panic. Why? Because I resent being vulnerable and I fear being abandoned. So the testing begins... I push the limits and boundaries to see how much they love me. The truth is I'm so scared of love that I often sabotage a relationship before they have a chance to hurt me. It's a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. I fall in love, I resent them for making me vulnerable, I become fearful of being abandoned, so I test them with bad behaviour...then they leave me.... THEN, I'm hurt, and I wallow in guilt, but I'm afraid of trusting the next person, so I repeat the pattern. Does that make sense? It's all about a fear of abandonment for me. That goes way back to me being adopted. That is where my fear of being abandoned began. Is this a pattern you find yourself repeating in other relationships as well as this one? Being in therapy really helped me immenseley. I've always known this to be a pattern for me- but have been unsucessful at disarming myself. I also realized I have anxiety- which often makes me irritable and prone to temper outbursts. Now that I am talking to a professional and taking medication, I feel soooo much better. There is no harm in talking to a professional about what you are experiencing. Might provide you with insight and ways to manage your behaviour. ALso, I find I personally function better in a relationship with a man who won't tolerate my "princess" behaviour. When I'm with someone who is laid back and tolerant, I run with my bad behaviour. When I date someone more confrontational and less forgiving, it keeps my behaviour in check. If you don't want to lose a nice guy- then talk to someone like your doctor or seek out the help of a therapist. It was an enriching and enlightening experience for me, and it has really helped. I recently lost a good guy because of my negative behaviour- I simply pushed him too far. Don't let it come to that for you. You're so far ahead of the game by recognizing there is a problem, believe me. So talk it out with someone- nip it in the bud while you can. D
Ironman75 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 D-Lish........All I can say is WOW! That is so right. And you should also be proud of yourself as well. That is exactly what's going on here. And mehim you sound like my ex she would alway say the same thing that you say. When I see you I want to hug you and love you but instead it would be a fight. Alot of time we say all we want is for some one to truly love us and then we get it and don't know what to do. Love is not just the words you use but the actions you put behind the words that really count. I would go on but D-Lish said it all. I hope this helps you. Change your ways because if he's as good as you say some one will grab him up so stop and be thankful for your blessing.
upsetnhurt Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Mehim, How long have you been in your current relationship? Tell us about your past a bit and if there was a significant relationship prior to the present one. Something tells me that your heart is just not where it should be in your current relationship regardless of just how great your significant other is. Are you sure you took enough time to heal from past breakups and if not, are simply comparing little things to what may or may not have happened to you in the past with someone else? Sorry if I am way off base.....just a thought.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Sometimes, when someone lets us walk all over them...we do it. I suspect that maybe something a whole lot deeper is happening with you. I know I tend to be a great gf until I start to fall in love with someone, then I start to panic. Why? Because I resent being vulnerable and I fear being abandoned. So the testing begins... I push the limits and boundaries to see how much they love me. The truth is I'm so scared of love that I often sabotage a relationship before they have a chance to hurt me. It's a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. I fall in love, I resent them for making me vulnerable, I become fearful of being abandoned, so I test them with bad behaviour...then they leave me.... THEN, I'm hurt, and I wallow in guilt, but I'm afraid of trusting the next person, so I repeat the pattern. Does that make sense? It's all about a fear of abandonment for me. That goes way back to me being adopted. That is where my fear of being abandoned began. Is this a pattern you find yourself repeating in other relationships as well as this one? Being in therapy really helped me immenseley. I've always known this to be a pattern for me- but have been unsucessful at disarming myself. I also realized I have anxiety- which often makes me irritable and prone to temper outbursts. Now that I am talking to a professional and taking medication, I feel soooo much better. There is no harm in talking to a professional about what you are experiencing. Might provide you with insight and ways to manage your behaviour. ALso, I find I personally function better in a relationship with a man who won't tolerate my "princess" behaviour. When I'm with someone who is laid back and tolerant, I run with my bad behaviour. When I date someone more confrontational and less forgiving, it keeps my behaviour in check. If you don't want to lose a nice guy- then talk to someone like your doctor or seek out the help of a therapist. It was an enriching and enlightening experience for me, and it has really helped. I recently lost a good guy because of my negative behaviour- I simply pushed him too far. Don't let it come to that for you. You're so far ahead of the game by recognizing there is a problem, believe me. So talk it out with someone- nip it in the bud while you can. D I feel as though you took all of the words right out of my mouth.
D-Lish Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 The hardest part of fixing a problem is recognizing you have one! There are so many people out there who just aren't capable of self introspection. D
Rooster_DAR Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 The hardest part of fixing a problem is recognizing you have one! There are so many people out there who just aren't capable of self introspection. D I agree completely, that's exactly why I have decided to fly solo for a least a year before engaging in anything emotional with someone else. After my recent breakup, I was pretty destroyed but I need somehow to look at myself and the role I played with the failed relationship. I think people just really need to understand who they are, tackle their demons, and finally be very comfortable with themselves. This is one of the toughest feats I have ever endured. Cheers!
Author mehim Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Thank you all for your great advice, I really apprieciate it. I think D-lish has a point where you say we walk all of over the person when they let us. I'm coming to realize that I may be doing this, just for the sake of doing it. Sometimes While I'm being mad with him over something silly, I tell myself I need to stop being mad and just ended. But then I like that fact that he just tries to make me feel better anyway. At the same time, I don't really want to do that, he gives me enough attention and care, so I guess I like to torture him sometimes to make myself see how much he loves me. Isn't that really SELFISH. But I love him and I dont want to do that. Anyways to answer "upsetnhurt" question, I have been with him for a year and a half. He came and asked for my hand from my dad about 4 months ago. I was in a previous relationship before, that was the opposite of this one. I mean the ex was compeletly the opposite. The ex used to not show me love at all, didn't hang out a lot, I had to ask for things to get it, and then I don't get it anyway. It wasn't a good relationship, but what I have now is a blessing from God, I believe that I had the first one to suffer from, so I would get this awesome man in my life now, and I'm taking him for granted. Gosh i hope that I get better. I also don't believe that I really need to go to a therapist for this, it's not that major yet for me to think about doing that. I have to see my other ways of trying to improve myself.
jusified Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 mehim, more girls & guys shoud be like you. No one is perfect but its really important that you admit that you are faults such as been selfish and want to work on it. Congrats! I really wish you the best of luck. Also wish a fulfilling and loving marriage that completes both you and your hubby's lives.
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