Boyfriend+family dramas...tearing me apart

[JoL]

I am a 24 female living and have been dealing with these issues for better part of most of my dating life.

My parents (mostly my mother) have this belief that people should date within their own culture. However, I was born and raised in Australia, a very diverse country....I believe people should marry who they choose.

 

I have been dating someone who is of a different background for 11 months. I have met his family and they care nothing about our religious and cultural differences..in fact, they have told him that they think I'm wonderful and that they would love to have me as their daughter-in-law.

 

Then you have my parents. Close-minded, traditional and surrounded by people that think like they do. They don't want to meet him, they seem to think that I will date and get it out of my system before I settle down with a nice guy from the same background as me...hell they don't even want to know his name or anything about him. I have tried talking to them, explaining that I am an adult, but they don't want to hear it.

 

Unfortunately I still live at home. Partly because it makes more financial sense at the moment (I have some investments that I have high outgoings for) and partly because my parents believe that males or females shouldn't be moving out of their parents house prior to marriage. I have thought about moving out. I know though that this will make the divide between my bf and my parents even greater. All hell will break loose and they will blame him.

 

They do not stop me from seeing him, I take my mums car when I do and she doesn't seem to have any problem with this. He drops me off and picks me up from the front of our house sometimes. I can come home whenever I want and have no limits/curfews imposed on me in that respect. They are a little naive and believe that I wouldn't spend time alone at his place with him...I think their ideas of pre-marital sex is basically they just want to believe what makes them comfortable- which is okay with me. I feel no desire to share personal details with them.

 

I don't know what game my parents are playing at to be honest. My uncle recently got remarried to someone who isn't the same background and my parents opened their home to them for a week and were so nice and welcoming to her. Why am I getting the short end of the stick??????

 

My boyfriend has been patient more or less up until now, but he is finally starting to show some resentment towards the situation. He knew from the start that this would happen. I warned him at the very start and he said he didn't care. But in the last few days he has started to act cold and distant towards me and has told me (after me insisting that something was wrong and he wasn't telling me) the frustration is taking its toll. I am starting to feel attacked from both sides. It has driven me to tears of frustration because I am trying to make both sides happy and it results in both sides resenting me.

 

I have considered applying for promotions in another city to force myself to move out and well, get away from it all. Or perhaps therapy to figure out what I need to do and how to do it- I'm perhaps not as strong as I would like to believe. I love my boyfriend but I am starting to feel like he doesn't understand and is not being supportive. I know it's tough on him, it would have to be really tough... but I am cracking under the pressure from both ends.

[jusified]

Hi, Jol,

 

I am a chinese born australian guy.

 

I know what you are going through because I see it all the time (luckily for me, i don't think my parents would oppose me if I marry some one tahts not chinese so thats good for me, with that said I don't think they will be 100% happy either, but time will change i guess).

 

With your situation I think if you love the person you are with and they do the same for you then it doesn't matter what ethnicity he is or what your parents think. You are an adult and you should be able to stand your own ground.

 

With the whole parents not been welcoming...well, my ex was asian but her parents weren't very welcoming of me because i didn't speak their language, thats ok, i never resented them or my ex. I did alot for their family and helped out heaps even if i got the cold shoulder everytime.

 

I think you are naive in thinking your parents don't know whats going on. Trust me, parents are not stupid doesn't matter where they come from. They 100 % know you are spending "alone" time with your bf but is letting you do it and do not want to confront you about it. This is the same situation another girl i knwo is going through with her parents. They know trust me.

 

Let me explain it from your parents point of view. They love you, want to see you happy in the long run. Are they misguided?? yes, are they ignorant?? yes. But they still want the best for you, they are letting you stay with them for free right?? They are letting you stay out "late" however long you want right?? they want you to be happy but they are also struggling in trying to do what they believe is the best for you.

 

Your bf's view, his an average australian male (I'm guessing, not ethnicity wise, but just male in australia). He probably cares about you, but i don't know if his in it for the long term with you. If he is then he should not be impatient and resent you for anything. Like i said, I got the cold shoulder from my ex's parents (after I cooked their family dinner, drove their daughter and son around when they wrer busy....amongst other things) But i was always polite with them and loved my ex. So what I'm saying is if your bf loves you and cares about you, he, yes HIM, should try with your family also to sure how much you mean to him and convince your parents (not just never come in and pick you up and drop you at the front door). It doesn't matter how much cold shoulder and ill feelings he is getting from your parents, and he should not be cold to you. Talk to him about it, but at 24 (older then me ) I think we still have alot of things to learn.

 

P.s

I am guessing you are of Asian ethinicity (any reason you didn't want to say that) and work as a proffessional (accountant, solicitor etc)..if i'm right then we are very much alike. If I'm wrong then maybe I'm not that good at my judgement anymore.

[JoL]

Hi there jusified, thanks so much for your reply. I am actually of Medditeranean descent and my boyfriend is from a European background- we are also different religions (but neither of us are religious). But yes I am a university-educated professional so you weren't too far off the mark!

 

My boyfriend actually says all the time that he wants to marry me and have a future with me. He tells me i'm "the one" all the time..however, my parents/family is one big thing he fears will give us issues down the track even if we were to get married.

 

What you are saying is very true, if he tried to show them he is a good person perhaps things may change. I guess the reason my bf doesn't TRY with my family is because I haven't introduced them or forced my parents to at least be around him..I take the blame for that. I am so weak in standing up to them.

 

When my bf gets upset he bottles it all up, goes quiet, distances himself from me and then after I ask over and over and over and over again about what's wrong and why is he quiet, he will let it all out. Then I get upset for him not communicating and being so difficult. I also tell him that he KNEW what he was getting himself into...and that he can't expect all parents to be like his.

 

It's basically around and around we go sometimes....

[jusified]

ok. I'm kind of like him in that if I was upset at something to do with the gf, she usually have to ask, ask and Ask before i say it. If she does not, it will take a few days and then I did usually be even more upset and let it out. Si just keep asking him, thats how some guys are (like myself). Maybe thats not good but just ask, and don't get angry at him for not saying.

 

He sounds like a good guy, just try and get him to prove himself to your parents (do it for you). I guess that might be hard for him because your family might be intimidating but he needs to do it. I did it because thats who i am and it was easy for me, but maybe his not like that. Don't balame yourself for it, he should WANT to do it. anyways, all relationship have problems, things like this is sought of a test to sure how much he really loves you. Besides if it all turns out well down the track, the relationship is much stronger and better for it.

 

11 month is also not a long time, see what its like in 2 years. If his already been cold then its not a good sign. With that said every relationship goes through bad times, its just how hard the 2 parties love each other, compromise and work at the relationship. So keep communicating with him and try not to be mad at him you love him and he loves you.

 

P.S

Medditeranean... I love medditeranean girls and culture (then again, i love all cultures). I thought medditeranean (like the greeks, Italians and the Maltese) was very welcoming of other culture in Australia, but I definately understand why your bf might be intimitaed by the strong family tradition of you family. Of cause, that should not stop him trying to be accepted by your family if not just for you. Even if it seems futile at least he knows he did his 100%.

[JoL]

Thanks Jusified...I spoke to him today and basically he has said that he feels there is no point in trying to push my parents into accepting him if they are going to put up a fight.

 

He wants an "easy" life and doesn't want these issues.

 

Basically he said if my parents change their thinking and decide to accept him and meet him then that's great, but if they continue to cause problems (even over the next few months) then he won't stick around.

 

I have told him that I am really disappointed that he isn't willing to try harder. He is taking the easy route out..

[jusified]

wow, I am really sorry....

 

I think he definately is taking the easy way out and obviously don't love you like a real boyfriend should love you. As bad as this seems, its not finished yet, just know that all this can be seen as a good test to see how reliable, committed, loyal and loving he is. Be calm and think about the situation objectively....don't do anything irrational and emotonal. He might still come around but don't push him to do it, it needs to come from himself.

 

I guess your parents could have at least invited him to a dinner or family functions etc. So if they have done that then the bf should definately have done alot more like come around to talk to your parents, help with family things etc. But if your parents have completely ignored him then I guess I sought of understand what he is going through, but he still should stick around with you cause he loves you.

 

In the end his not marrying your parents (potentially), his marrying you.(Even if marrying you could mean maryying the family due to the culture). So packing up and leaving shows his character if thats what his going to, it means these problems aint worth it over you.

 

Don't worry, you are still young with a good career, give him some time and know that he needs to pass this test and show you he loves you to not care about this stuff. (I guess sometimes he probably want to be felt like you are sticking up for him with your family as well, has he said that to you??? )