Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 ok guys for all of u who have posted about the situation with me and my boyfriend on the holidays. i thought it would just be easier to post a new thing instead of continuing my other thread. ok background for those who don't know the situation: a couple months ago my boyfriend invited me to go home for christmas with him. his parents live 5 hours away and he was going to go home for 10 days. since this was the first time i would be meeting them he thought i would be ackward for me to stay there for 10 days. unfortunately i cried and got real upset and yelled at him so he then concluded that he was gonna stay home through my bday (dec 30th) and new years eve. i am still really hoping that he will come back early but it doesnt look like he is going to. i was talking to him on the phone while he was at home, and i kind of brought up the subject of my bday and new years. he asked me what i was doing and i said i dont know because all my friends have boyfriends and since its a couples holiday then i would feel weird around them. he then said that he didnt think of it as a couple's holiday (which i figured because he hasnt had a serious gf in like 4 years). so anyway he started saying he is going to some new years party with his friends and their gfs. i got real quiet (i was trying not to let on that i was upset) but he knew i was so he said he was sorry that he couldnt be with me. i told him i understand and stuff, but why would he want to go to a party with his friends and their gfs all by himself. is it different for girls then boys? why doesnt he want to be with me on my bday and new years? he knows i really really want him to come back so whywould he deliberately not want to. he'd only be coming back 2 days early so what is the big deal? does anyone have any advice. i dont want to lose him or fight with him over this but i would love to know why he doesnt want to come back and be with me. or why i cant even go out there for the weekend (i wouldnt invite myself though). is there a way i can get him to invite me? i love him so much and i really want to be with him on those days. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 (i wouldnt invite myself though) Why not? Just tell him you want to be with him on NYE. That you're his girlfriend and since he isn't coming to see you, you want to go see him. IF he says it's not a good idea, then you two need to talk about what is really going on inside his head and find out how serious the relationship is, and where it's going...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 wow i dont know if i could do that..i'd be terrified! well we are pretty serious its been over 4 months and he says he really loves me and i'm the only one he wants to be with and stuff and he also said he still does want me to meet his parents. i'm not sure though i'm still SO CONFUSED!
silentcharon Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Life's too short not to let people know what you want. Who cares what people think of you when you let them know your expectations? The very worst thing that could possibly happen is that he will say NO flat out, and it may be the very best thing, at least you will know where you really stand with him. Whichwayisup is right- Just ask him. In fact, he may even feel flattered that you want to spend the nights with him at his side.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 thanks for ur advice guys..i'm planning on talking to him about it. something weird happened today though and i'm wondering if this has any significance. i was talking to my bf on the phone today and i was telling him how my parents were arguing and how it was really bad and how i feel trapped in my house (usually i spend the night at his apartment) and he was like don't worry i'll be back in 4 days. this would put him coming home on Saturday which is dec 30th my birthday! he had said before he was coming back monday.i didnt question him about it because he had to go open presents with his family but did he actually mean 4 days? maybe i should hold off on talking to him about it if he is planning on coming back. should i ask him about it tonight when i talk to him? maybe he just miscounted the days or something i'm not sure. i'm not getting my hopes up but if he was planning on coming back or surprising me than i dont want to upset him or get into it by talking to him about it. what should i do? does anyone have any insight or advice?
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Why are you so scared that you'll upset him? You seem so timid to talk to him, tell him what your needs are...He said see you in 4 days, you should say something like, "SO does this mean that you'll be here with me on NYE and my Bday???" I guess I don't understand why you're so quiet and not speaking up. 4 months in, you have to be able to communicate with him.
silentcharon Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Yes!!! Communciation is SO important in a relationship! It sounds like you're waiting for him to step up to the plate. Honey, guys don't work that way- they can't read your mind. You NEED to tell him that you're hoping he'll be there for your birthday or whatnot- or else he won't, and think that since you didn't say anything, he's in the clear to do whatever he wants. Just say, "Wow, you're coming back? Do you mean you'll be here with me for NYE and my bday?" Or invite him to your birthday and NYE yourself. He may be waiting for you to take the initiative.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 u seriously think he doesnt know i want him there? i have done everything basically except say "will u please come back". i dont think he's honestly that stupid so i'm scared to talk to him about it cause i think he'll say no. i would be so crushed and i dont know how i would recover from that. this is so hard!
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Well then after the holidays are over you two need to talk things out. Honestly, you both need to communicate your needs...What you want out of the relationship and what he wants out of it. How serious is it overall? Stuff like that...Because if you don't talk about feelings, thoughts and needs then you're going to feel inadquate, confused and insecure. It seems you don't know what he feels for you.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 well our relationship is pretty serious..or at least i thought it was. he always tells me how much he loves me and how i'm the only one he wants to be with and how much i mean to him and stuff. he bought me a really pretty 200 dollar necklace heart necklace for christmas and he spends pretty much all his free time and weekends with me. he wouldnt do all that if he wasnt serious i guess. i'm just very confused sometimes cause if he really loved me that much i cant imagine why this is happening right now. should i voice my concerns to him? i really would like to talk to him about all this casue its driving me nuts. i know he feels guilty cause he cant see his family all the time so maybe he would feel guilty leaving home to come back for me who he gets to see all the time. i have no idea, and now i am so much more confused.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 OK, is it just possible he wants to hang out with his buddies over NYE? Maybe it has nothing to do with you and him. I think you should mention to him that if it's possible to arrange, you'll go meet up with him where he is.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 he always tells me how much he loves me and how i'm the only one he wants to be with and how much i mean to him and stuff. he bought me a really pretty 200 dollar necklace heart necklace for christmas and he spends pretty much all his free time and weekends with me. Then remember this too. Here's another thought...Go and enjoy your bday with family and friends, then on NYE hangout with your friends...When he comes to see you, make special time alone and make it romantic. I guess my main point earlier was, why you think he's going to be "upset" with you by discussing how you feel and what you want.
mehim Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 If he says he really loves you and all of this stuff, then he should understand that this is important to you. Especially that it's your first birthday with you two being togere. On the other hand he may just not care about NYE or Bdays like you do. So you need to stop being scared and ask him. Also if you can go over there then just ask him if you could come, he already invited you before, when he was about to go the first time. P.S. Please don't ruin your Bday or your NYE for this, you will just regret it later on. Just go and have fun if doesn't work out to be with him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 ok well i talked to him about it and he said that yes he does want to be with me cause he loves me but he never gets to see his friends and family and he gets to see me more. i told him how important those days were to me and he said guess he just didnt think of it in the same way as i did. he also said he doesnt understand what the difference is between seeing them on those days and then seeing me one day later. about me going out there..its 5 hours away and i think the thing is he doesnt want me to meet his parents yet. which is fine i'm not going to push him on it. i didnt actually ask him if i could come, i'm afraid he's gonna say no. but thanks for ur help, i guess he just doesnt understand what i'm feeling, and wants to be with his friends and family cause he doesnt get to see them. thanks for all ur advice, i really would like to be with him but i guess theres not much else i can do. if u guys have any more suggestions or insight i would love it.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 You talked to him and he gave you a very honest answer. Things are fine between you two! So enjoy the time you spend together when he does see ya. NYE and Bdays are not a big deal to him, but that doesn't mean in the future he can blow you off to be with his friends. I do understand where he's coming from, if he sees you more than his family and other buddies, then he does have a right to want to see them and then see you after NYE. GO have fun with your friends now.
Walk Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I think I understand how you must feel. I konw I want my bf to "want" to spend time with me on special days. And I'd feel hurt if he didn't want to. I guess... if I were you, I'd stop saying anything about how you want him to be there for your bday and NYE. I'd start telling him how much fun I was going to have, the bars I would be going to, the great time, etc. And I'd tell him I really hoped he was going to have fun too. Release him from feeling obligated to spend your bday and NYE with you. Let him have fun without feeling guilty for not granting your wishes. I always try to explain to my bf what's important to me. The majority of the time my bf will bend over backwards to make me happy. So if he says he really wants something else, then its something very important to him. Take the higher road this time, wish him a fun NYE, and then do something fun for your bday and NYE. Also.. just to put this in perspective some. Last NYE my bf and I got into a huge fight earlier in the day, he wouldn't even talk to me. I spent the evening believing we were going to break up the next morning. I still went out, still had a pretty good time, although subdued. And I'm really glad that I did do that. (we resolved the issue and things have been great since then). Point is.. look at the positives rather than focusing so much on the negatives. Your in a great relationship with a man who absolutely adores you. He's probably uncomfortable with subjugating you to his family and friends so early in the relationship. He's probably scared you'd leave him if you met them. He wants you to be happy, but he never gets to see the other very important people in his life. He's trying to balance things. If the rest of the relationship is good, and this is the biggest problem you've hit, then give him the benefit of the doubt. You've got a great man with a huge heart. He just can't figure out how to fit every one he loves into one night. Don't make him choose you over everyone else. Go have fun! You'll both be grateful that you did.
Guest Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 i would tell this woman she should do what she wants to and not worry about hurting me because as she knows i celebrate her everyday if family and friend is what she needs - then i am secure enuff no worries beside the BDP i made her says all that
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 yeah u are right..we are just fine and i know he feels bad about not being with me so he says that the will make monday the most special night of my life. im glad i told him how i was feeling because it reassured my insecurities that i am still struggling with. i took walks advice and started telling him what i'm going to be doing on my bday/NYE too. u all have really helped me and i'm so grateful for all the great advice. i guess i just sort of hope this all doesnt happen next year. our relationship wont be as new though and i will have probably met everyone in his family so it will e more integrated. any other help or suggestions are always awesome!
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