Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Oh dear. I feel rotten writing this but am interested to hear some new views. My husband and I got married about 18 months ago -- since then, we've gone through a lot of ups and downs in dealing with my stepson, parenting issues, etc. I've gained a bunch of weight but have recently shed about half of it and am feeling pretty good. I'm almost down to what I weighed on our wedding day, when I looked really nice (if I may say so). I started running and lifting weights, and am very proud because I never ran before in my life and it's something to see at 44! On the other hand, my husband has taken lousy care of his body. He's gotten fatter and fatter; he's stopped lifting weights; he exercises intermittently at best and eats everything in sight. Not only is it hard to resist the goodies he insists on having (but I do), he's just not a great partner for going out and doing active things. He's turned into a real couch potato. He has a great big belly and it is starting to get in the way when we're having sex -- which isn't good for me at all, if you know what I mean. IT's getting to the point that it a) really turns me off to look at him and touch him (he's all mushy and he didn't used to be) and b) it's hard to climax because that gut is in the way of my good time! When we were dating, sex was great and he looked really HOT. Now, not so hot with his clothes off, although he still marches around in the buff like he's some sort of god. What's a girl to do? As I get fitter and fitter, I'm getting less and less patient. How can I get my man to come around without hurting his feelings? I ventured a comment the other night about him being happier and healthier when he works out, but I don't think it had any effect. How much more direct can I be without really hurting his feelings?
portableversion Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Don't have sex with him. He'll get the point.
alphamale Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 . How much more direct can I be without really hurting his feelings? tell him you won't be buying Chunkey Monkey ice cream any more
CynicalP Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Hey, just shoot straight on this and tell him like it is, - if he doesnt respect his body enough to take care of it, how does he expect anyone else to respect him or find him wanting. Most guys probably can handle someone telling them "your fat, lose the weight" without collasping into a emotional wreck. Best of luck to you! Keep up the running.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Why not ask him to work out with you? I'm sure he's noticed the change, too...don't have to throw it in his face...
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Screw you all--well most of you, GEL seems to be onto something. When you gained the weight, did he tell you no sex? Was he alluding to ending the marraige? Yes, that is what you are doing here! Talk to him, I agree, but if you press it, I suspect that he may push back and things will only get worse. The other thing is--all of your words are subjective. One poster on here would consider someone 5 lbs overweight to be obese (not naming names) and would not tolerate it. Are we talking hundreds of pounds or are we just talking about gaining some weight? You do say that you are 44 and the concept of you running is somewhat foreign. Well, as we get older, we do get a little mushier!
tommyr Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Well, as we get older, we do get a little mushier! Maybe YOU get mushier but its NOT due to getting older. Weight gain is scientifically explained by the 1st Law of Thermodynamics: CaloriesConsumed - CaloriesBurned = Net gain/loss And guess what? YOU have 100% control over both variables (consumed and burned). I agree with the OP who says a spouse's weight gain affects them (especially the sexual interest). Now if BOTH spouses gain weight then it would be hypocritical of one to complain. However, the OP is working hard to lose/maintain her married weight and (I believe) this justifies her feelings that husband should also work on his weight. I too have been affected by my wife's weight gain (125# when married, now 160#.... I remain same 155# since high shool). It definitely affects my sexual attraction for her. At first I was very accepting that she gave birth to 2 kids and it would take a while to get her body back. But the reality is that about half her weight gain has occurred in the 4 years AFTER our last childbirth! Whats up with that.. I run and watch what I eat so why does she not care much about her appearance? About 2 years ago my turnoff was so severe that we stopped having sex entirely. She has no sex drive anyway so that was fine with her. I was going nuts! So the past year I decided the way to get my old wife back was to help her to be a less burned-out mom. She stays home, I work, but I have always "tried" to do 50% childcare during my non-work hours. In addition to that I wanted her to have more free time to "take care of herself" (ie, goto gym). So now we use afterschool childcare 2X week and wife gets some free hours. Its sortof working. I want to give this more time to see what happens. From my experience that just withholding sex will NOT have much effect. By the way, all of our discussions about improving marriage and the wife's burnout, at NO TIME did we talk about her weight. I know thats a hurtful topic and (so far) have avoided saying it in words.
Moose Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 That's the good news about this. He's let himself go that bad in 1.5 years? That's a sharp decline if you ask me....better nip it in the bud now..... Here's my thoughts on this: He definitely needs you to talk to him, if that doesn't work, go about doing your own thing. Work out when you want, how long you want. If you're not sexually attracted to him, don't have sex with him.....Tell him to put on a shirt when it disgusts you. You have rights too you know.... Stop worrying about hurting his little feelings, and help him build a foundation that you can live with......
Sup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Discuss the problem with him in a calm manner, don't insult him, don't push him. But, even if he doesn't change, don't cheat on him.
Art_Critic Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I've gained a bunch of weight but have recently shed about half of it How much is a bunch ?? and how much is half ?? People in glass houses ............... So if he sheds half of his.. Will you be okay with it ?
WhisperingWillow Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 This is a highly touchy subject with most couples. One puts on the weight and the other starts to lose their drive for them. I remember when I had my second child I weighed about 200 from 120 pounds. I lost the weight entirely and then some within six months time. I had a role reversal with the ex. He didn't like me thin and I wanted to be thin for my health and for my own feel good feeling. The problem was the ex was and still is 6'3 and 175 pounds. Has been ever since I met him. So it was hypocritical. If I were you I'd start getting him involved with you when you work out. Start going for walks as a couple. Not only will he shed some pounds and pick up on what you want, and you also need to communicate with him clearly and concisely, you too will also build up your feelings for each other once again and become stronger in your marriage. Don't belittle him, don't tell him to put a shirt on, try to be subtle after all he deserves respect too. If you push him too hard it will make things worse and he will slip into a depression. Men are strong creatures, but they have feelings also. I think being blunt and brash with someone is the wrong thing to do. But if you take it subtle and slow you should see some results and if you can't move him to change then you should maybe ask him how he's feeling or if he is depressed and if so maybe you should seek some counseling for both your sakes.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 The problem was the ex was and still is 6'3 and 175 pounds Just wondering...are you saying that this is thin or heavy?
WhisperingWillow Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Just wondering...are you saying that this is thin or heavy? It's very thin. Considering his height! So he didn't have a place to really gripe at me for being thin ya know.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 If the OP had been a man, posting about how his wife's weight gain was a turn-off, I think he'd receive more posts telling him to be more tolerant, stop being so shallow, don't judge a book by its cover, do a better job of understanding her emotional needs, etc. Here the OP is a woman, and it's interesting to see all those advising her to lay some tough love on her overweight spouse. Double standard? Mr. Lucky
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Damn right there is a double standard!
loggrad98 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I find this very interesting to say the least. When my wife and I were married, she was 5'7" and 130 lbs and I was 6'2" and 210 lbs. After 14 years of marriage, 4 kids, 7 moves (all over the west), 2 college degrees, 4 jobs, and many health issues for both of us later, she was 215 lbs and I was 285 lbs. I think it is easy for that kind of thing to happen. That was about a year and a half ago. She had her 20 year high school reunion coming up and decided she had had enough. So she joined weight watchers and a gym and lost 70 lbs in a year and looks fantastic. I did it with her some and am now at about 270 lbs. My new years resolution is to join WW with her and by summer for both of us to be a close to our original married weight as we can get, doing it together helps. Interestingly, her sex drive has decresed as she has lost weight. She says it is not that she is not attracted to me anymore due to the difference in our weight loss, but she is obsessed with her body and can only seem to see the little pockets of fat and loose skin left over from her amazing weight loss and cannot view herself as attractive. She has always had body image issues and this is just the latest phase, but it is getting better. As the fat husband, I feel like I have a lot of ground to catch up on. She takes the kids to do fun activities that I cannot keep up with and it makes me want to get back to the gym so I can participate too. She also only wants to eat healthy, so I feel guilty when I buy calorie heavy stuff and she won't eat it, or when we go out to eat and I want steak and all she orders is a salad. Plus, I love her more than anything so I don't want to do that stuff to her to begin with. I think some open and honest communication is needed here, even if you just start with something like "Honey, I want us to be healthy and enjoy a long loving life together, so I need you help so I can keep this weight off..." and then get into how you want to eat healthier so you need him to stop buying all the treats and fatty sugary crap. Also, ask him to come to the gym with you as a "personal trainer" to help you get into shape. Everyone knows men love to have their ego stroked, so stroke it. Get him to apply his expertise in helping you get in shape. Don't pressure him and I am a firm believer that withholding affection as a form of punishment is a guaranteed relationship killer. However, that does not mean you can't be honest with him and tell him you desperately want to be intimate with him, but find it hard to be turned on when he does not seem to care about himself enough to take care of himself. It may be hard to jump-start him. Some men feel the same way about taking care of their bodies as some women do about sex...as soon as the girl (or guy) is "hooked", there is no need to keep lifting the weights (or no need to keep being horny). If that is the case, it will be hard to get him out of that pattern, and it may not be worth the damage to the relationship to force the issue. That is something you have to decide up front...is this a show-stopper? If he does not change the way you want him to, is it enough for you to want out of the relationship? You have to decide that before you proceed with any attempt to get him to modify his behavior, because for most things it is just not worth trying to force someone to change something that is really not that important, case in point, my wife does not force me to go dancing (she loves it, I hate it) and I do not force her to go to pro basketball games (I love it, she hates it). These things are not show-stoppers for us. Our love for each other is stronger than these things. But some things are show-stoppers, and that is ok and necessary in building a relationship with someone. A show-stopper for us is our kids. If either of us stopped caring for our kids like we do now, that would be enough for us to end the relationship. Not everything can be negotiated, and not everything necessarily SHOULD be negotiated, but lots can. You need to decide if this is a show-stopper for you before doing something that may jeopardize the relationship. Open up the lines of communication. Don't come across as sanctimonious or sefl-righteous...you have faults too, believe it or not...and make sure you are straight with yourself why you want him to take better care of himself...is it for you or for him or both, but be open and honest about it and you can work something out together.
alphamale Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Interestingly, her sex drive has decresed as she has lost weight. She says it is not that she is not attracted to me anymore due to the difference in our weight loss,. she's lying to you to try not to hurt your feelings
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 How much is a bunch ?? and how much is half ?? People in glass houses ............... So if he sheds half of his.. Will you be okay with it ? Each of us gained about 20 lbs. I have a thyroid problem and work out 5 - 6 days a week just to maintain weight. My doc got my medications straightened out and the weight started coming off. Now I've lost about 10 lbs and more is on the way off. I'd be happy with half. I'd be happy with having someone who got off the couch in the evening, frankly. This is dulldulldull...
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 II have always "tried" to do 50% childcare during my non-work hours. In addition to that I wanted her to have more free time to "take care of herself" (ie, goto gym). So now we use afterschool childcare 2X week and wife gets some free hours. Its sortof working. I want to give this more time to see what happens. From my experience that just withholding sex will NOT have much effect. By the way, all of our discussions about improving marriage and the wife's burnout, at NO TIME did we talk about her weight. I know thats a hurtful topic and (so far) have avoided saying it in words. You sound like a pretty evolved husband! Bravo. I don't think withholding sex, or using sex as a weapon, is really the answer for any marital problem. My husband let himself go completely in his first marriage and I've seen the pictures. It wasn't pretty. When we married, he was really buff and I was, too. Now, I'm alone on the treadmill, alone at the gym, alone on the long walks. I'm trying not to be hurtful and to emphasize how much better he'll feel and how much more time he'll have to play with his future grandkids if he takes care of himself now. But man, the buzz is killed, sexwise. It's not that he doesn't have the time to work out. He just isn't consistent and eats his face off. Aieee!!!
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 He's let himself go that bad in 1.5 years? That's a sharp decline if you ask me....better nip it in the bud now..... Here's my thoughts on this: He definitely needs you to talk to him, if that doesn't work, go about doing your own thing. Work out when you want, how long you want. Thanks. I'm doing my own thing, and I hope he gets the message soon. Every night, he likes to have a cocktail and I have bagged this in favor of diet drinks. It's pissing him off but I really don't want to have the empty calories. Now that I'm not joining him on his pigouts, it's not that much fun for him. I picked up some bad eating habits in the last year, but now I'm pretty much back to normal. I can resist most any junk food but if I don't buy it, he buys it and grouses that my snack selections are too healthy. And I get on the treadmill, go to the gym, and otherwise keep up my exercise schedule, so I hope the motivation will rub off on him soon.
Guest Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 If the OP had been a man, posting about how his wife's weight gain was a turn-off, I think he'd receive more posts telling him to be more tolerant, stop being so shallow, don't judge a book by its cover, do a better job of understanding her emotional needs, etc. Here the OP is a woman, and it's interesting to see all those advising her to lay some tough love on her overweight spouse. Double standard? Mr. Lucky Sure, it's a double standard! I'm with you, and I'm the complaining wife here. I don't believe in the tough love stance, but I do think it's really unhealthy for my husband to be jamming his face full of crap and not exercising. I haven't belittled him and I haven't quit having sex with him, and I don't think I would do that, either. I just want to give him a push in the right direction...we had a great sex life and I hate to see it hit the skids after such a short time. The fact is, we do have less sex, and the sex we have is less enjoyable for me. The fact is, he really likes sex. The fact is, he'd get more if he weren't blimping out. So, Mr. Lucky, got any solutions that aren't a double standard?
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 You are bitchin' about 20 lbs? If this is getting your goat now, you might as well toss in the towel.
norajane Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 You are bitchin' about 20 lbs? If this is getting your goat now, you might as well toss in the towel. Agreed. 20 pounds is hardly a massive weight gain - and it doesn't sound like so much that you would lose your attraction for him. Perhaps it's not the weight that bothers you as much as his habits - the couch potato issue.
Art_Critic Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Agreed. 20 pounds is hardly a massive weight gain -. My exW used to fluctuate up and down 20 lbs in a week
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 My exW used to fluctuate up and down 20 lbs in a week There is a smart ass comment here---just not coming to me!.......yet! (This space reserved)
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