Married for 15 months... I don't think this bodes too well...

[Grimley]

Hi. I was Googling searching for a support forum and just found Love Shack -- seems like a great site. I'm finding myself frustrated with several aspects of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for approx. 15 months. We were dating for a couple of years prior to that, initially on long distance basis. I'm 35, she's 41, and it's the first marriage for each of us. We developed a very strong friendship and romance, which I felt was a strong basis for a lasting relationship. There was strong physical attraction in both directions.

We had several major life changes around the time of our wedding -- she moved from Canada to the US, we bought a home, job changes, etc.

Anyhow, I'm probably rambling here and I apologize. One major issue that is bothering me is that our sexual life has nearly ceased. When we didn't have sex on our wedding night (perhaps not that uncommon...tired from the celebration, opening gifts in the hotel room, etc...), I didn't realize that would be a harbinger of coming changes (no pun intended!). I know that sexual frequency varies, but I can't help but feel that we're nearly off the charts on the low end (I haven't been counting, but it can't be more than a few times monthly), and more bothersome to me is the fact that when we do have sex, it's not as satisfying as it used to be. She has acknowledged that her sex drive has decreased significantly and said that it didn't reflect on me (I haven't had any real change in weight and I take pride in my appearance). My wife has put on some weight (she was thin to begin with), and I often reassure her that she looks great (though I secretly think that it has made a difference). There certainly has been a good amount of job stress, etc., but I think that for the most part those factors are more balanced now. I do not think that depression is a factor. We don't have children (and honestly, the thought of having children frightens me, given that I'm unhappy with our sex life as it stands now). While like every couple, we have our disagreements, there are no major sore spots in our relationship. That said, I find myself intermittently thinking or fantasizing about what things would be like if we divorced. I've raised the suggestion of marital therapy in the past, and my wife was not receptive (due to a general resistance to sharing her problems with others). I recently commented to her that I feel like we're now buddies but not lovers. That statement really sums it up in my mind.

 

In my 20s, I remember thinking how awful it would be to be in a marriage without a decent sex life... and now at 35, I'm there. It's fueling resentment on my part. My eyes wander perhaps more than they used to (though I've never been unfaithful).

 

Any thoughts on my ramblings?

Thanks for listening.

[Guest]

u were not rambling at all. it sounds like u have a clear understanding of things and that should help u immensely.

 

i wish i had the same in order to make sense of the decisions i need to make but i have been left in the dark for an incredibly long time and every 'move' i have made has backfired because of that.

 

in the end, i know as much about things as the day she left me and as such its time to move on.

 

i guess that has been the 'message' all along and it just took a few reports and a few trips to the hospital for that to sink in - better late than never.

 

with 2007 fast approaching, its time to begin live anew.

 

best wishes to one and all

[portableversion]

why do you privelage the sexual aspect of your marriage above the other aspects?

 

a few times a month. That's normal for a woman her age.

[lasan]

why do you privelage the sexual aspect of your marriage above the other aspects?

 

a few times a month. That's normal for a woman her age.

 

That's depressing, and I am not looking forward to that.

[portableversion]

There is more to life than ****ing.

 

But people don't seem to understand that.

[Grimley]

why do you privelage the sexual aspect of your marriage above the other aspects?

 

a few times a month. That's normal for a woman her age.

 

It's not that I consider the sexual component to be the most important, but it is an important part to me, and I feel that there has been a marked change (unfortunately, a change which began around the time we got married).

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Grimley,

 

Ignore Portableversion's posts - she's a troll (she never has any good to say.)

 

In my opinion, at 15 months of marriage, you should still be banging each other 4-7 times/week. However, I do believe that she's overcome with stress. Perhaps she needs help with chores in the house? Perhaps the stress is work related? I would encourage her to talk about her stress (if I were you) and if possible, have in therapy.

 

Until she's back to herself again, you should probably lay off the requests for sex.

 

I've been married over 10 years. We still have sex 3-5/week (except when we are sick or stressed out.) So find out what's been bothering her first.

[CynicalP]

I feel for you man. Marriage seems to have diminishing returns in the ol bed room. The way I see it you can preoccur your mind with these thoughts and find yourself becoming more resentful. Here's your options; You can gamble on affair ( but the house usually wins and you lose ) and get that sex elsewhere. You can make the most of a lousy situation and take your needs into your own hands if you catch my drift. Lastly, You can cut your loses and find someone else. I have beating my head ( the bigger one ) on the wall trying to figure this out myself and have just concluded that the best option is to take what little my wife offers me and take care of my own business myself. I look at the whole relationship with my wife and have determined that sum total outwieghs this lacking aspect of the relationship. Your decision may be different. Best of luck to you.

[lasan]

There is more to life than ****ing.

 

But people don't seem to understand that.

 

 

This is true, but it's a pretty good part of life that I hope never diminishes for me. From the posts I keep reading, it seems more like its inevititble.

[Trialbyfire]

Definitely find out what's wrong with her. She's at her sexual peak, so your relationship should be very physical after only 15 months.

 

Anyone who believes that the physical side of marriage isn't a driving factor in successful marriages, should be scrutinizing their own relationships.

[C&M4ever]

Is it possible she is pre-menopausal, or going through menopause. Show some interest in finding out why her sex drive has decreased before you start harboring resentments. Your interest or lack thereof about whats going on in her body has ALOT to do with her sex drive also...ask ANY woman.

[JamesM]

Ignore Portableversion's posts - she's a troll (she never has any good to say.)

 

True. And let me add that when sex comes up, it is worse. Portableversion used to be her husband, but somewhere along the way, he disappeared, and she took over.

 

To your question. I am gathering that the quantity may not be your concern as much as the intensity. A few times a month is okay if your wife enjoys it like you do. But if she views it as a chore, then you keep looking for the "real" thing.

 

Despit what some women want to believe, sex IS the best way to express to their man that they love him and think he is the best.

 

What I am guessing you need to do is analyze your marriage and any changes. Yes, she is 41, but a newly married woman would have more interest it seems. Having said that, newlyweds go thru tough times during the first two years. Just as reality hit for you regarding sex, reality has hit for her regarding....who knows what. And that is where analyzing comes into play.

 

Major changes cause stress, too. And you both have had quite a few. The factors may have balanced out, but it is early to think the stress caused has disappeared.

What has your relationship been like during courtship versus marriage? How many fights have you had? What is your financial situation been like? How much weight has she gained...and you? Has she always had a weight issue? The job factor...did that start before marriage or after?

 

Her past...what was that like? What were her past relationships like? Did she live with anyone? Did she have any abusive relationships? Was she ever sexually abused that you know of? Any possibility that you don't know of? Why was she never married before 41? What was her relationship like with her father?

 

Your past...what was that like? Any past girlfriends that you can or do compare her to? Why were you never married before? What were your expectations in marriage? What is your way of asking for sex? How are you in bed...sorry, we need to ask. Does she/Can she have orgasms? How long does sex last? Is it about getting your orgasm or is it about mutual satisfaction? What was your sexual experience prior to marriage...her experiences?

 

The two of you...what is your communication like? And fighting is not bad...it is how you resolve them that matters. The issue of children...is it an issue? Since she is 41, I am guessing that it isn't.

 

Medical issues....does she have any? Has she ever tested low for thyroid? Does she have diabetes? Are there any issues in your life? BTW, the low thyroid thing caused my wife to completely lose her libido...and live with alot of pain. By changing her meds (as a result of ME trying to find a solution for low libido), she regained much of her life and libido back, and she no longer has much pain.

 

So, having gone thru a sexless portion of marriage...and truthfully...am still not where it should be, I can totally understand. Hopefully, by asking alot of questions, you may stumble on the problem...and the solution. Personally, I think you can, because you care enough to look for a solution...instead of leaving.

[WhisperingWillow]

I would try to find out why exactly your wife doesn't feel like having sex. Is it stress, is it depression, is it something else. That's what I would do first and foremost.

 

I feel sorry for people in sexless marriages, and I can't understand why some wives (friends of mine), when we're all together complain about their husbands or whatever watching porn, or commenting on sexy actresses or are hurt by their husbands or whatever masturbating. It's totally understandable. It happens more than what I thought.

 

I say talk and be openly honest and communicable with your wife. You need to let her know what your needs are and if they still aren't met and you've exhausted counseling then I think it may be time for you to cut your losses and move on.

[Guest]

How about talking to your wife.Weird concept, I know.She's 41.Has she ever been married before?And if not...what are her thoughts on having children?She's unlikely to have any naturally at this stage, to be honest.Maybe that's hitting home in more ways than one suddenly.I know a couple who have had to adopt as a result of simply getting married late in life, and not being able to have kids.

 

I've seen the tears, the depression,everything that came before they decided to adopt.Kids might scare you....but you will always have a chance to have children naturally.

Other than that....you're married 15 months and you think (already) that divorce is the way "out"?You're actually considering just leaving?No offence...but it's not meant to be easy.Do you run away from everything when it gets difficult?10 years,20 years of "difficult", I might understand.15 months?????You'd want to do some serious thinking about that one.

[dropdeadlegs]

My wife and I have been married for approx. 15 months. We were dating for a couple of years prior to that, initially on long distance basis. I'm 35, she's 41, and it's the first marriage for each of us. We developed a very strong friendship and romance, which I felt was a strong basis for a lasting relationship. There was strong physical attraction in both directions.

We had several major life changes around the time of our wedding -- she moved from Canada to the US, we bought a home, job changes, etc.

 

Is it possible that a few times a month is what she has always been comfortable with but because of the long distance and her move to the US about 15 months ago that you never would have known? If you had been living apart prior to the marriage I'm guessing that while you may have had sex often when together that there were extended periods apart too. So maybe this is normal, but you didn't know that until getting married.

 

You had also mentioned a weight gain in your wife. Does it seem to bother her a lot? Many women, including myself, don't feel as attractive with a little added poundage on their frames. Now that's not stopping me in the bedroom, but I don't feel as sexy as I did 20 pounds ago. I am your wife's age and I am definitely in my sexual prime and want it all day everyday. I don't know much about Perimenopause but maybe it is contributing to the problem.

 

I think it is understandable to have a certain amount of sexual activity expected within a marriage. Sex, money and children are the biggest reasons cited for divorce, people just call it irreconcilable differences in the court documents. It would be important to me. Sure it's only one aspect, but I feel it is just as important as having the same beliefs about all the other aspects. Sex is only a problem when one partner wants more/less than the other. If both have high or low sex drives, partners are generally happy with their sex lives.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know that sexual frequency varies, but I can't help but feel that we're nearly off the charts on the low end (I haven't been counting, but it can't be more than a few times monthly), and more bothersome to me is the fact that when we do have sex, it's not as satisfying as it used to be.

Does your wife acknowledge that, at least from your standpoint, a problem exists? Does she think that you are over-reacting or that your hopes of increasing quality and frequency are abnormal or unrealistic?

 

You posts do not give much read as to her attitude...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grrlish]

Grimley:

 

I suggest backing off in regard to directly addressing sex. I suggest coming at things from more of a romance angle and see if that helps. Of course, I don't know if you're already doing this..?

 

Has she indicated at all that she's feeling neglected in any way? It's amazing what a little extra attention can do for a woman's loving feelings...which in turn should affect her sex drive. Take it slow and hopefully you'll see some results. I'm a sexual being and I'm really unhappy when I'm not gettin' any. But years ago, I dated a guy who was (and still is) an absolute Adonis, and we had a great sex life. When things were rough between us, and my sex drive would drop, he would just absolutely hound me for sex. Well, the more he hounded me, the less interested I became. It's been a long time since I was with him, but I guess it was because I started to feel like that's all he wanted to be with me for!

 

Bring her some flowers after work or have them there when she gets home now and then. Just kiss her and tell her you love her when you hand them to her. Ir she asks, just tell her that you wanted to give them to her because you love her. (Don't tell you that you just happened to see them and bought them. That makes it sound a little less special. It's okay to tell her that you stopped on your way home to pick them up for her. That will make her feel special - that you went just a little out of your way to get them.) But...don't make a big deal out of it and expect sex on the spot!

 

Do you have candles in your home that are hardly ever lit? Start lighting them. You don't have to light up the whole house but maybe start with one here and there. I always have candles in the house. My (ex?) boyfriend told me how much he liked the feeling of having them lit and he bought a couple for his place so we could light them when we went to bed. If you don't have candles, figure out a way to work them in. Spy them at a friend's place and comment on them, or...?

 

Note: I hope this doesn't offend anyone but...don't buy the ones in the grocery store or the drugstore...unless you're SURE that they don't smell like bathroom freshner. Most of the cheapie ones smell like bathroom air freshner so spend a few more dollars and go to Pier One (or Cost Plus or a candle store in the mall). They smell better, and they last longer so you're getting a better deal anyway.

 

Give her a shoulder rub, a back rub or a foot rub.

 

Cook dinner for her. Or better yet, with her.

 

Ask her to sit next to you on the couch and then do NOTHING but put your arm around her, touch her hair, and/or kiss her head. Let her get comfortable with the idea of being close and not being pressured for sex.

 

Go the to bookstore, or to Amazon, and find a book on how to be Romantic. Sounds silly but it can't hurt, right?

 

Look, hopefully your marriage is forever, right? You wants sex. So does she (truthfully). She also wants some romance. Sometimes, in a loving relationship, we have to put our resentments aside (maybe you're feeling a little resentful about having blue balls) and figure out how to make the other person happy...first.

 

Good luck, darlin'.