sadbuttue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 hey, i have recently been involved with a married man for about 4 months. he has said from the beginning that he is not leaving his wife, his excuse is that he has 2 small children that he can not bear to leave. i know this is extremely wrong. i just can not seem to end it because i feel that i have very strong feelings for him. i do find myself worried about his wife and kids and what will happen when they find out, because i believe that is inevitable. he seems to believe we can continue our relationship without anyone else getting hurt. he knows he is being unfair to me and his family, but also wants to continue the affair. i hate that i can not talk to him or see him at any time, only when it is convenient for him, but when we are together it is wonderful. this is about more than sex, we are also very good friends. a part of me would like his wife to find out so that i can stop anticipating this whole thing blowing up in my face because i believe that is coming soon. does anyone have any advice for me, have you been the other woman? i do know that i could never get myself in to such a situation again, there is too much pain here.
StuckinaRut Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 How old are his kids? Any chance he would leave? Does he love you? I would say if you can...get out as soon as possible!!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 If he says he's not leaving, you should take him at his word...THIS is probably the most honest that he'll be with you...
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 WOW sadbuttue....the only difference between your situation and my ex-situation is that MM gave me every reason to believe the M was over. Ex-MM at 5 months decided he did not was to split his retirement, and "stuff" with W so at that point said he was never going to leave W....but Ex-MM chased me and every time I tried to break loose he chased harder. If someone would have told me I was in a no win situation, especially at 4 months, I wouldn't have listened....it sounds like your heart is in this one. Now I understand much more than before....I want a man who will go to the ends of the earth for me and refuse to have that contingent on whether M stays together or not.... Take your heart back and guard it!
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 You're letting him have all the power over you and this affair. Be strong and end it because WHEN his wife does find out chances are he will tell you goodbye. Right now he's got it all, two women meeting all his needs! Very selfish! I feel sad for his innocent children because not only is he cheating on his wife, he's betraying his own kids.
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 his kids are 2 and 3, very young. this is a big part of my regret over this situation. this could very well ruin their lives. he says he is falling in love with me, i do love him. i have told him many times that he could end this if he is afraid his wife will find out. for some reason i feel incapable of getting out myself. i think i am in too far and now it is too late anyway. i do not think his wife will stay with him when he gets caught. i do not know what this will mean for us though.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i just can not seem to end it because i feel that i have very strong feelings for him. i do find myself worried about his wife and kids and what will happen when they find out, because i believe that is inevitable. he seems to believe we can continue our relationship without anyone else getting hurt. he knows he is being unfair to me and his family, but also wants to continue the affair. i hate that i can not talk to him or see him at any time, only when it is convenient for him, but when we are together it is wonderful. this is about more than sex, we are also very good friends. a part of me would like his wife to find out so that i can stop anticipating this whole thing blowing up in my face because i believe that is coming soon. does anyone have any advice for me, have you been the other woman? i do know that i could never get myself in to such a situation again, there is too much pain here. Your worry about them finding out may never happen...Have you thought about how long you are prepared to go on with this if SHe doesn't find out? You say that he thinks this can go on without anyone getting hurt, but YOU are getting hurt...YOU are not happy... Don't pick up the phone when it's CONVENIENT for him, show him what that feels like...Keep yourself busy, go out with friends...Show him that you won't sit around waiting for his call... I hate to say this but this is sex to him right now...things can always change, but right now this is just sex in his eyes... You can't count on the W finding out so I think you need to set up your own standards and if he doesn't meet them, then you should end it...if he thinks that you'll never leave, there's no reason for him to treat you better... Now these things that I have suggested may make him think that you are too much work and he might break up with you...but I think that if that is the case, you need to know that now, not later...you deserve better treatment...four months is not too terribly long, and I know that it will hurt, but don't settle for what he throws out to you...you are giving up alot to be in the R with him.... That's my two cents...good luck and welcome to the forum...
Curmudgeon Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 My advice would be to put this and him behind you and make yourself available to someone who is not emotionally and legally bound to another woman. He doesn't need an excuse not to leave. He's married and has children. That's every reason not to and should, if he had any integrity, be every reason not to have an affair. Surely you can do better than this. If not, he'll continue to have his cake and eat it too and years from now you'll be no closer to a committed relationship than you are today.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 his kids are 2 and 3, very young. this is a big part of my regret over this situation. this could very well ruin their lives. he says he is falling in love with me, i do love him. i have told him many times that he could end this if he is afraid his wife will find out. for some reason i feel incapable of getting out myself. i think i am in too far and now it is too late anyway. i do not think his wife will stay with him when he gets caught. i do not know what this will mean for us though. Why do you think his wife won't stay with him if he gets caught? When an affair is finally out in the open, alot of emotions are out there. As I mentioned before she isn't going to hand over her husband to you without a fight. They have children together too, a history together, friends and family. And she may forgive him. He may realize what he will lose and give up to be with you.
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i do not know how long i could continue with this A, but i know that i am not strong enough to end it myself. i guess that is why i want her to find out so that it will be over one way or another. this is my first A of this kind, and i was not prepared for how hard it would be emotionally. it is like i am dating someone who i know is cheating on me and i am saying that i am ok with that. that should not be acceptable.
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 thank you greeneyedlady for welcoming to the forum. i would like not to be here, but since i have made this choice, it is good to have a place to come for understanding.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 So you are willing to let her know about the affair, so it will end? Why not go to talk to a therapist, sort out your feelings, gain some strength and self confidence so you can take control over your life and end it. Don't just wait until his wife finds out. It really ISN'T OK for you to be dating a married man. And it ISN'T OK for him to be dating you seeing as he's married! I hope you consider therapy because if you continue down this path your life is going to be full of pain, heartache and saddness. I wish that you can become stronger and end it, no matter how hard it will be for you to do. And you learn from this experience and never let yourself fall for another married man.
norajane Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i do not know how long i could continue with this A, but i know that i am not strong enough to end it myself. i guess that is why i want her to find out so that it will be over one way or another. this is my first A of this kind, and i was not prepared for how hard it would be emotionally. it is like i am dating someone who i know is cheating on me and i am saying that i am ok with that. that should not be acceptable. Yet you are the one who is accepting it! He told you from the start he's not going to leave his wife and children. Anything you do after knowing that is on your shoulders - you are making the choice to go along with it every day that you don't end it. Have you truly accepted that he's not going to leave his wife or do you harbor a hope that he will change his mind? It has only been 4 months - why is it so hard for you to walk away?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 thank you greeneyedlady for welcoming to the forum. i would like not to be here, but since i have made this choice, it is good to have a place to come for understanding. You are so welcome...keep posting, we're here to listen and help...
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i know it is not "ok" to date a married man. that is why there is so much heartache and pain associated with this type of relationship for all involved, but these things do happen, that is why we are all here, right?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 SBT: You are new, so you are getting all the advice for newbies...take what you need from everyone, ignore anything you don't think is relevant...you'll get good advice that will make you think...don't let anyone scare you off, we're all here to help...
norajane Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i know it is not "ok" to date a married man. that is why there is so much heartache and pain associated with this type of relationship for all involved, but these things do happen, that is why we are all here, right? The pain and heartache doesn't get any better, sweets. It just doesn't. The time to get out is now.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 i know it is not "ok" to date a married man. that is why there is so much heartache and pain associated with this type of relationship for all involved, but these things do happen, that is why we are all here, right? Affairs don't "just" happen though, they happen by choice. You have a choice to stay and continue to be hurt and share a married man or you can choose to get out, stop that pain. If you continue this affair you will be more hurt. It's only been 4 months, imagine your feelings in another year or two? You'll be in deeper, more involved... Please consider what I said about going to therapy. You deserve to be with a man who will only love you - Unfortunately the man you let yourself fall inlove with is married to someone else so therefore it really is pointless to continue...UNLESS you want to be his OW, his secret for a long time. And by doing that you're selling yourself short!! You're worth more than just being on the side, so the sooner you break it off with him, heal and get over him, the sooner you can meet a single man when you're ready.
sadbuttrue Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 SBT: You are new, so you are getting all the advice for newbies...take what you need from everyone, ignore anything you don't think is relevant...you'll get good advice that will make you think...don't let anyone scare you off, we're all here to help... again, thank you greeneyedlady, i know everyone just wants to help, and i am new to this type of situation and do not know everything.
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 What you know is what you know NOW---are you happy? His wife may or may not find out--so what--what is done is already done? What is most important is how YOU feel and if you feel you can deal with this. Only you can answer that. Stay in touch and take care of yourself.
StuckinaRut Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 sbt: I'm in the same situation as you...just 9 months more (and trust me it doesn't get any better) I do love him a lot and it just is so hard. I would def. recommend try to get out. He probably is too manipulative with her...so she might never know. Mine tells me all the time that he loves me so much but his kids keep him in the marriage. It is very tough!!! If you need to talk...i'm here.
sadbuttrue Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 hey, thanks for your comments siar, i know everyone says try to get out, all my friends are telling me the same thing, but they do not know how hard it is too end this. i know it will only get worse and my feelings will only grow. there is no happy ending here. even though i know how painful it will be to continue, it is like i cant end it because then the pain will come so much quicker. i do not think i am strong enough to end it.
sadbuttrue Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 What you know is what you know NOW---are you happy? His wife may or may not find out--so what--what is done is already done? What is most important is how YOU feel and if you feel you can deal with this. Only you can answer that. Stay in touch and take care of yourself. i am happy when i am with him, and very unhappy when i am not with him. the happiness ends when i know he is getting ready to leave me because i know he has to go home to his wife and kids. i am so selfish for this. i am finding this relationship hard to deal with, but i want him more than i want to be without him right now.
NoIDidn't Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Its so hard to read about your pain when you are so averse to the obvious cure: leave while you still can. If its this bad only 4 months out, imagine how much worse off you will be in say, four more months? It doesn't get any better. Everyone else has already told you that. Telling his W is the cowards way out. I bet you have more strength than you think. Break free before you lose it, though.
stillhere Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 SBT, i am in the same situation as you. It doesn't get any easier. Every day you fall more and more in love with him. I can't walk away from him either. I start to gain a little strength, find a little courage somewhere, and then he does something that makes me swoon and i'm back to square one. I have more hope now than i originally did, as he is starting to do things out of character. He's pushing her farther and farther away, and drawing me in closer than ever before. But this is my situation, and i'm still not sure where it's going to end up. I know how hard it is to walk away. By 4 months, we had already said our "i love you's". I don't know what to say exactly, as i know how difficult this is. Take care of yourself, and guard your heart as much as possible.
Recommended Posts