What do you all think?

[sunshine2627]

Sad thing is, he lets her do it. He gets aggravated or so he says and sometimes acts like it. Some things have happened that my friends don't understand why I still stay with him.

 

I was really surprised though when I asked him if she told him that we saw each other last night and he said no. He asked what happend, when I saw and if their son was with her. Nothing happened. I saw her last night and no he wasn't with her. She dropped him off at his house before going shopping. Oh and he asked if she knew who I was. I don't know if she really does or not but she's seen pictures and I heard her say oh god so I'm guessing she knew it was me.

 

He was supposed to have lunch with me and my mom (first time meeting). He forgot I asked him Sunday night and made lunch plans with some of his family. I don't care that he had lunch with them it's the fact that he forgot. So then what does he say...always say? You deserve better. I get so tired of him saying that to me. If I felt or thought that I wouldn't be with. I'm with him because I love him and I'm happy with him. Does he do it because he's having such a hard time still with the divorce and his self esteem is really low? Does he want me to say yeah I do deserve better see ya? Or does he need reassurance that I'm not going anywhere?

 

Will it ever get easier for him....for me?

[sunshine2627]

So he calls me shortly after 5:00 and we talk for awhile. I asked what he was doing and such. He tells me he's out driving and he's on his way to a friends house. I had asked if he had dinner yet and he told me he did and what he had. He told me he went to go get it so he could finish up some things around the house. Normally most people don't go to this restaurant to pick up food and take home. I asked if the three of them went and he said they did. He wasn't going to tell me they had dinner. It was going to be if she doesn't ask don't tell kind of thing. So I broke down and told him that I was dreading this week because they are both off and I'm afraid the temptation would be there. He tells me don't worry about it. That wasn't very reassuring for me. It was almost like he was saying don't worry it's not a big deal instead of saying you have nothing to worry about it. I'm insecure and I am having a hard time again. Just a couple weeks ago he tells me that he loves me but doesn't say it often. I'm not used to that. Am I over analyzing? I'm just afraid feelings are going to get stirred up between them again and I can't go through that again. I just can't.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just afraid feelings are going to get stirred up between them again and I can't go through that again. I just can't.

 

Then tell him this and then YOU make a choice. Either stay and put up with this crap from him or end it. Let him know YOU think he needs time to sort out his feelings and what he really wants.

 

I hate to say this but if he truely was "inlove" with you and wanted you 100% in his life long term he'd be more open, more protective of you and standing up to his ex by explaining to her strongly that as couple they are over, but are still parents to their child. He is making it harder for everybody involved by giving off confusing signs. I'm sure his ex is confused too. Who knows what he tells her about you and your relationship.

 

You have some thinking to do and a choice to make. I know it will be hard, but from what I've read so far it seems he isn't into having any serious and committed relationships with anybody.

[herenow]

Do you think you are insecure because you know that he cheated when he was married? Maybe you are afraid he will do the same to you. If you are feeling that way, I'm sure it's normal. I can't help you with this, but maybe some other OW that have ended up with the MM can let you know to handle this feeling.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think that you should act with confidence even if you don't feel it...You are giving her way too much power over YOU...be confident and that will spill over into your relationship with him...

[sunshine2627]

Do you think you are insecure because you know that he cheated when he was married? Maybe you are afraid he will do the same to you. If you are feeling that way, I'm sure it's normal. I can't help you with this, but maybe some other OW that have ended up with the MM can let you know to handle this feeling.

 

I'm insecure because I am afraid feelings and emotions will open up again. If they do then I guess it means him and I were never mean to be. No, I do not think he will cheat on me well I guess he did when him and his X slept together. When we met they were separated and in the process of filing for divorce. I'm sure it is normal to feel that way. I told him that last night.

 

I try very hard to be confident when I'm around him but sometimes I get weak and break down. She's caused a lot of fights between us whether she tried or not. Last night and this morning we had a disagreement about her along with some other things. I sent him this e-mail this morning. How does it sound, honestly?

 

I am very sorry for this morning. I do not know why I could not wait until after I got off work to talk to you. I feel that these past few weeks our relationship has grown and things between us have been great. I just do not want things to change between us again. I guess these past few days I felt like things were starting to changing. I also understand that you and I both need "alone" time but that does not mean we have to be distant towards one another. You asked what I wanted from you. I just want you to be honest with me. I want to be and feel that I am your girlfriend. Sometimes you do not act like you want me around. New Years is just a few days away. I want us to bring in the New Year together. That's why I was so excited when you started talking about Chicago. It got me thinking that a weekend away would be good and be fun. I am also fine with staying home since money is tight for us both. I love you, I really do. I will talk to you later.

 

What brought the conversation up this morning is because I went through his phone and read some text messages that she sent him. I asked if he loved me and if he was "in love" with her. He said that he does love me and he is not "in love" with her. Yes he still has feelings for her and cares for her. He's having a hard time dealing with the divorce because this is not how he pictured his life. I told him that he talks about her all the time whether it's good, bad or me asking questions. Since he told me he loved me. I can count on one hand where he willingly said it to me first. I told him he's been distant towards me again. I understand we both need our alone time but that doesn't mean he has to push me away.

 

I'm sure after he reads my e-mail, he'll shoot me one back. We have been through so much together. My patience and understanding are starting to wear thin. Sometimes I feel he doesn't appreciate the things I do and that he takes me for granted at times. I don't know.... This sucks!

[frannie]

Hello there, I've been reading your thread for a few days but I have been wavering between what I think about it all! I was just wondering if you've heard of the book: How To Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce ?

 

I haven't read it myself, but I've heard it's got some interesting tips for getting through this really difficult time. Anyway, I hope you get some clarity and start feeling more positive soon.

[sunshine2627]

Well I went to the library and picked up that book. Thanks for the suggestion Frannie.

 

Well he e-mailed me back saying: I don't really know what to say anymore. I'm sure whatever it is will be wrong. It used to be that with you I could always be myself. I never had to be guarded or feel like I was wrong. Its not that way anymore. I'm a f*** up and I know it. Its not your fault its mine. I don't know what I did wrong but its always something. I don't feel like talking any more or writing all this out because I dont know what to say. All I'd like to know is if I'm allowed to meet her at the wireless store this afternoon and get my phone seperated from her. If your not comfortable with that just let me know and I wont' go.

 

So I ended up calling him after that e-mail. We argued a little more. He was saying how I deserve better and he can't give me what I want. I think what bothers him the most is I attacked him this morning. He reassured me last night that I had nothing to worry about but that wasn't good enough I needed to hear it again. I'm sorry I'm stubborn and hard-headed especially after reading some of the text messages. I think he's going back on his feelings for me. He isn't sure that he loves me. He said there are times when he does and other days he doesn't know.

 

I told him that I wanted to talk in person instead of on the phone so I guess after work I'm going over there so we can talk. Maybe by then our tempers will have calmed down. I asked if he meant that he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said that's not what he's saying. He doesn't want to argue or fight but that's part of any relationship. He said he doesn't want any of this meaning the fighting.

 

He said what it all boils down to is his X and he's right. She is going to do whatever she can to get him back. She is doing a good job right now. We're fighting and he'll say something to her about it. He said that I don't trust him with his X. I trust him not her and he said that I should trust that he wouldn't let anything happen. Okay if that's the case then why did he allow them sleeping together in Sept.

 

We kept going back and forth or he did making it sound like this was it between us. So I don't know what's going to happen tonight. What should I do?

[puddleofmud]

I agree w/ GEL. Time to take your life into your own hands. You can't control their behavior--you can only control YOURS.

If he is putting too much on you than give yourself a break. Do nothing at all! Just sit back for a few days and allow yourself to think without any other influence as opposed to reacting to each and every little thing.

You seem very sweet and supportive but this is not feeling reciprocal. Why? Maybe it would be beneficial for you to take some time without all the crap to define HOW you wish to be better supported, and THEN calmly talk to him about this along as to HOW you may better support him--to become a united front as a couple.

Otherwise you may be dooming yourself and your relationship by struggling with knee-jerk emotional responses that lead no where but "down" that slippery slope you are trying so hard to avoid.

You are dealing with a lot of drama along w/ unresolved issues and it's no wonder you are feeling frustrated. Any one would feel this way.

Best wishes and take care of yourself!

[whichwayisup]

You need to make the decision for yourself. End it and tell him WHEN he's ready for a serious relationship with you and can give himself FULLY to you, that's the time to talk and see where to go from there. IF you stay with him, things won't change.

[sunshine2627]

Well, I ended up going to his last night after work. I called whenever I left work to make sure it was okay. He told me a couple times that he wasn't in a very good mood but that I could still come over if I wanted to. Whatever I wanted to do, it was up to me. So I get to his house, walk inside and I couldn't find him. I was thinking that's nice of him. Tells me I can come over and he isn't here. Is Jeep was in the driveway but was thinking his X came to pick him up or whatever then I saw his keys were on the table so I knew he was home. I noticed the garage door was opened so I walked out to the garage and there he was. I said hi, he said hi back and asked were my jacket was. I told him it put it inside because I didn't know he was out here. He apologized for not telling me he was out in the garage. Really it wasn't a big deal. At this point I'm a little uncomfortable. Where were having a normal conversation like he normally do. It seemed his mood changed some from the time we got off the phone until I got to his house. We go inside his house and we're sitting at the table. Still our argument from the morning hadn't come up. Conversation was very little but picked back up. I don't know if he was waiting for me to bring it up since I was the one who wanted to come over and talk, if I was waiting on him to say something or should anything be said at all.

 

We ended up going to a book store because I wanted to show him some books I found that he asked me to look for the other day. He got excited and started talking to me about these books and told me he would show me some other books that he has when he get back to house. He asked if I decided where I wanted to eat dinner. He said this is your night since I've been an @$$ hole lately. He was being that way, just distant towards me. He can still havae a girlfriend but do things he wants to do as well. He doesn't have to push me away if there is something he wants to do. We finally picked a restaurant and when it came to deciding what he wanted to eat, he said what should I get hot wings or a hamburger since I can't make a good decision. I'm thinking great let the cheap shots begin. I told him he can decide and then shot off again no I make bad decisions. During all of this he is texting someone. I know his X called once and she texted him a couple times along with a couple friends. I'm getting a little annoyed that he's texting but I do it just not as much. After dinner we went to his friends house and he's still texting. So what do I do, I start texting one of my friends. We're having a good 5 or 10 min conversation. I noticed a couple times he looked over at me and then he asked who I was talking to. I tell him and asked who he's been talking to and he tells me. He asked if I could text one of his friends using his phone so I did and I was also able to look through some of his messages. Mostly were from two of his friends. His X had only texted him a few times. He gave me a hard time (teasing me) because I fell asleep during a movie that I kept asking him to watch with me. He kept referring to me as his g/f, winked at me a few times and reached for my hands. I think I'm grabbing at the winks and when he reached for my hands but I thought when he called me his g/f it was still a good sign. I'm getting ready to leave for work this morning and he asks if I'm going to start a fight with him and when I said no he asked if I was sure. Still throwing the cheap shots at me.

 

Him and his X ended up not going to the wireless phone store because she had to pick up their son from her moms which is a good 30-40 drive from where we leave. He expected them to do this after she got off work. She asked if he would meet her on the east side and he said no. I guess he wanted her to pick him up and they could drive out there together so he didn't have to waste his gas since he was running low. He can be cheap when he wants to be. So I guess they are going sometime today to get their phones separated, maybe.

 

Should I care that he expected or thought they could ride out there together? Should this be something where they meet out there instead of going together? How much time should they spend together if any at all? Should they only see each other when it comes time to picking up or dropping off their son? Are occassional dinners if talking about their son ok? When should he draw the line or set boundaries if he doesn't want her back? So many people tell me differently so I don't know what I should do or say. Some say it's okay and others tell me differently.

 

I think what bothered him the most yesterday is that I am starting to stand up to myself and not let things go. I think the fact that I pointed things out that I dont like him doing made him mad or hurt his feelings. I know he's insecure and has a low self-esteem. I mean he's told me before that it will only be a matter of time before I decide I can't do this anymore and leave him like his X. I tell him if I didn't want to be here with him I wouldn't be. I try to boost his confidence but it's not very easy. I know he has to feel good about himself first.

 

I remember him saying that most his family want to see his son more than him. It's almost like he's jealous of his son. That's no way to be. He says that he isn't jealous but his words and actions say different. I jokingly tease my parents about playing favorites with their grandkids over their two daughters but I wouldn't say that I'm jealous of them.

 

I talked to him just a few mins ago. I thought he may have been bitter still about our argument from yesterday but he seemed ok when we talked. So should I not bring up our argument?

 

Be brutally honest with me, does it sound like I am being too overly patient and understanding? ) My friends tell me all the time that I put with way too much of his crap.

 

I think I'm done rambling for now.

 

Again, thank you so much for listening to me and giving me your advice and opinions. I know what I should do but a part of me really doesn't want to. I know that will probably be the only way I will truly know for sure his feelings for me. I was talking to my friend yesterday and I told her that if I really do love him like I say I do then I should let him go and let him find himself and try to work through his problems. Am I right?