Guest Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 First I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Here is my question. My boyfriend who is just recently divorced is going to his X's house tomorrow for Christmas. Her dad and his family are in from out of town. I know my bf and her dad get along really well. Her dad and my bf talk on the phone every so often. I know how he feels about me and I know how he feels about her. They also have a 4 year old together. He is trying to have a civil relationship with her and I know he wants to do whatever he can to make his son happy or to be with his son any chance he gets. He has minimal contact with her and they very rarely speak on the phone so it seems. My question is should I be upset that he is having Christmas with her and some of her family tomorrow? I don't like that he is going over to her house. Will this ever get easy? Does it get easy? What do you think? I guess I don't understand why he wants to go over there? I know he probably wants to see her dad but I having a hard time.
kymberann Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Are you two in a committed R with each other? Did he end the M because you two were together during their M. Why aren't you going with him if they are now divorced?
Curmudgeon Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 At the risk of sounding unfeeling, you're his girlfriend, not his wife, but his son is his son is his son. Given the same choice at Christmas, I'd go where my child was. He just happens to be at the ex's. I still maintain a lovely relationship with my former mother-in-law (father-in-law died 30 years ago). My wife does too. Had I been forced to make a choice between spending my Christmas with my children or my wife, I'd have opted for my wife because anyplace she's not welcome, I don't want to be. But your case is far different.
Guest Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Are you two in a committed R with each other? Did he end the M because you two were together during their M. Why aren't you going with him if they are now divorced? I would like to think we are in a committed relationship. We spend most of our time together and neither one of us are dating anyone else. No, he did not end his marriage because of me. He contacted me shortly after she left and we have been together since. He was very unhappy in his marriage and was seeking advice through here. That's a good question. I don't know why I'm not gong if they are divorced. I think he doesn't want to hurt his X's feelings and doesn't want things to be awkward. So I shouldn't be upset with him spending the day with her and her family?
bonehead Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 How long have you been togeather? Whats YOUR relationship with the child?
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 They share a child together so because of this she WILL be a part of his life, as well as yours. It's best to put the need of their child first, so if that means him spending time with his ex's family, and being on friendly terms with her and his inlaws, it's all good. I hate to say this but you're not his wife (yet) so I don't think you really have a right to tell him NOT to go or put any pressure on him not to spend time with his ex, child and grandparents, especially at Christmas time. If you want to be in his life you're going to have to accept how things are! He has baggage, and with that comes some stuff that you're going to have to learn to deal with, and also put hurt feelings/ego aside for the sake of his son.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 How's your R with him and is he planning on spending any time with you on Christmas (today)?
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Merry Christmas to you too! Wow that is very hard to deal with....if I were you I would ask him for the communication to be stepped up a bit...you had to guess why you weren't going with him....but I'm sure you are right on the "guess". Hey guest, my thoughts and prayers are with you....I really wish you two the very, very best!
sunshine2627 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 We have been together for almost 7 months. They have also been separated/divorced for 7 months. They're divorce was final in October. In an earlier post someone asked me if I was the reason for their divorce. They were having problems long before I came in the picture. I may have played a small part but would hope that I wasn't the main reason. The past month, month and a half I have seen a difference in him, for the better. So why I am being insecure? I think because I'm afraid of feelings opening back up and the temptation being there. Then I tell myself if that happens then we weren't meant to be, right? My relationship with his son? We have a great relationship. He asks for me to come over all the time, and I'll read him a book or we'll play with his toys. I also understand that his X will always be a part of his life. It's just hard to deal with sometimes. She can be very manipulative and play on his emotions. She knows how to work him and it has worked before. I want him to have a good relationship with her. I know that it's important for their son's sake but she uses their son in the process. I also know I am not his wife and I am not asking him or telling him not to go. I haven't said anything to him about not going. In fact I haven't said much at all about him going today. I am trying very hard to accept the way things are and I think I've done a really good job. It hasn't been easy for any of us. I have never been in this situation before so that is why I am here asking for advice. I think we have a great relationship and think he'll agree. I actually did spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with him. He is having Christmas at her apartment today. He's pretty good about communicating to me about what's going on. I asked him last night if he was looking forward to going today and he said not really. I asked why he was going and he told me because he was invited. He was given the option to meet with her parents on a different day. But he chose today. I guess that is why I am having a hard time understanding. I also know that he gets his son tonight and tomorrow because she has to work so maybe that is another reason. It will be easier to pick up his son while he's there instead of going across town.
Amalphia Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I have been with my BF for over three years now and he told me from the get go that he had gotten his ex preggers and that he just got out of a very nasty marriage. I wanted to be with him so I have stuck it out. Let me tell you though SUNSHINE it is not easy. YOU WILL be put on the back burner. When it comes to children THE BACK BURNER is where you need to be. Dont go butting in and geting mad at him for being with his kids. If his ex is inviting him over for XMAS then you have got it better then we do. Let them develop the relationship they need to in order to make life great for the kids. Do NOT interfer with that. You will be hated if you do. Be supportive and hone (did I spell that right?) up your patience skills b/c you are going to need them. My BF adn I moved a state up about 3 more hours away from "the cow" and we havent gotten to see his child for almost two months now b/c "the cow" will not let us have her. We arehaivng to go to court YET again. (3 time now) just so that he can see her. So SUNSHINE dont knock what he has and dont let it upset you.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 how long were they married for? So why I am being insecure? I think because I'm afraid of feelings opening back up and the temptation being there. Then I tell myself if that happens then we weren't meant to be, right? We have been together for almost 7 months. They have also been separated/divorced for 7 months. This is why you're feeling the way you are. Seems there was no time inbetween his marriage ending and him having time alone to grieve the loss of their marriage and relationship. People need to be alone for a while so then they can be ready to love someone else fully. Does she know about you?
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I want him to have a good relationship with her. I know that it's important for their son's sake but she uses their son in the process. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. I'm sure for her it's not easy to see you with her son. That maybe you'll be the stepmom later into the future... Be understanding and patient. You say she uses their son, can you give afew examples? I just ask because it could be possible that because you're feeling abit insecure of the whole situation, you could be reading into it.
sunshine2627 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 They were married for 4 years. Like I said he wasn't happy and he was staying only for his son's sake. I also understand that a person needs time to heal after a break-up or divorce. Neither one of us expected to be here now. We started out as friends first but things kind of took a course of it's own. Yes she does know about me. Since their separation/divorce she has had b/f as well. I know it bothers him when he thinks about another man "taking" his place. So I can imagine that she probably thinks I am trying to take her place and I'm not. She is and always will be his mother. I have been very patient and understanding with him. Some things happened that I know most people wouldn't put up with. Like I said I've never been married so I don't know how to really deal with this situation. She just plays on his guilt about the divorce. They used to use their son just so they can hang out. I don't notice it as much now if at all but in the beginning it was obvious. A friend of mine who went through a divorce has helped me greatly. When I told her what was going on with them hanging out and talking on regular basis she told me they were using their son. I know he has posted on here a few times. How I found out I was over there when he was in the middle of sending a post. So then I decided to look for him and found his post. I know I probably shouldn't have went snooping but I did. This is what I found. Post 1: I recently got a divorce. I had been married for 4 years and have one child. From the beginning our marriage was not great. Shortly after my son turned one my wife became distant. I knew she had a hard time accepting her new role as a mother but her distance became untolerable. She had a new job that kept her working seven days a week and I was left to raise our son alone. We constantly argued about money and how she worked all the time. Then she stopped coming home and when she did have free time she spent it out with her new friends from work. Which were mostly guys. The years passed and I just let em slide by. I love my son and took all the bad in stride for his sake even though I was miserable. Then one year ago I had a brush with death. I was admitted to the hospital for a blood clot that was mere inches from my heart. My wife showed up 5 hours after I was admitted. Just in time to see me have a seizure and have to be brought back with a defibulator. I spend the next four days touch and go in IC unit. My wife came once for about an hour. I came away with this experience with a determind mind to change things and make my life better. However my wife was more distant than ever and the rumors of her cheating grew worse and worse. She denied it ferverntly but they continued. Finally in march of this year we agreed to go to counseling but she merely went and did not listen. She had walked out two times by this time and I kept taking her back. Then in May I had enough of the rumors and kicked her out. She then decided she wanted to be alone and "find herself". Then in June she decided she wanted a divorce and had a boyfriend. So I agreed and decided to let her go. Around August I met someone, a wonderful woman. But I didn't let it go anywhere because I was hurt. Then around September my wife decided she wanted to fix things but wouldn't give up her boyfriend. She said she didnt want to hurt him. I told her it was over. I then began to pursue the woman I had met before. I was happy with her. The divorce was final in September and I was happy. A little sad but I moved on. A week ago my exwife decided she wanted another chance. I know that was long. My question is this: Should I even consider giving her another chance. At this point I told her I don't want to be with anyone and that I cannot forgive her. Hell she still hasn't even broke up with her boyfriend. For my son's sake should I give her another chance? He got a lot of great advice from everyone on LS. I don't explain myself very well so this might help a little. Since his last post which was sometime last month he almost gave her another chance. He also told me his feelings for me.
Amalphia Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Since his last post which was sometime last month he almost gave her another chance. He also told me his feelings for me. Ok Sunshine like I said I am in a similiar situation. This is what I would do. Be as honest as you possibly can (100%). Tell him how you feel about him and what you see coming from what you have and how you feel about his son and the relationship with his EX. If he wants to try out the Giving her "another Chance" thing then let him know that you will NOT wait on him. You may really feel for this guy but it isnt your responsiblity to sit and wait for him to decide whether he wants to be happy or miserable. He will make his choice one way or another. You need to plead YOUR case to him.
sunshine2627 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Oh he already knows how I feel about him and his son. : ) He also knows how I feel about his X. I don't put her down and talk bad about her by any means. We try not to think too far into the future because it kind of scares us both and he doesn't want to be in the same situation again. So we go day by day. Sure we've talked about the futre some but nothing serious. We seem to enjoy each others company more when we're not looking that far ahead. I feel that he has already made his decision. His posts were early on last month and he told me at the beginning of Dec. how he really felt about me. I think I am feeling a bit insecure about today. He knows I am not going to wait for him. I have told him before that if he wants to work things out with her then do it. He's had many chances to work things out with her. Even after she told him that she wanted to come home and work things out. He gave her chance after chance and she blew him off every time. He told me he's much happier with me. His family has even seen a difference in him since we started dated.
Amalphia Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 He told me he's much happier with me. His family has even seen a difference in him since we started dated. OK SO WHAT IS THE ISSUE??? Are you afraid that he is going to go back to her? If so then TELL HIM. Are you afraid that he might regret being with you instead of going back to her? Also TELL HIM. This all boils down to how well the two of you communicate. Pretend we are him and tell us how you feel and we will give you reactions based off of what you say.
SisterCisa Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 MAking a long short. I was single with my own small child when i was completely shell shocked by a guy.. The road to my happiness got derailed when he went back to his wife for the kids... Yes I was the Other Woman. But luckily he came back and has groveled upon my feet since. But heres the deal. U sunshine are a proud woman who does not need a man to make her feel 100% complete. If this guy is the one it will work out and if he decides to pick a shot with her, then screw him. Cause when he sees what hes lost all the fun pay back can begin. Do not give ur heart away keep the playing feild open and let him know u will not sit home at night waiting that if hes gonna go screw his ex dnt expect u to stay true waiting with ur thumb up ur butt.No man not even mine which is the Adonis of all men is worth making yourself a second class citizen. U sunshine deserve what we all do complete and total adoration by their man. And in return we give the same. So buck up hold ur chin high and stand to your moral grounds. He is not the one that is decidding your fate u are. Tell him u want him to go back before he tell u and then watch the shock on his face. Which will also solidify the fact that when it doesnt work with the ex he let go of the only woman in the world that would let him get away with leaving her for another and want u back all the more. He will come crawling back and on the off shot that he doesnt then you will be better of for having been the one to decide what willl happen to you.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 He got a lot of great advice from everyone on LS. I don't explain myself very well so this might help a little. Since his last post which was sometime last month he almost gave her another chance. He also told me his feelings for me. Because of this, it seems he is abit unsure of what he really wants, and it's obvious him and his ex have unfinished business. They never really tried to salvage their marriage, going to counselling etc...And, it's also obvious that there are alot of feelings between them still. He has feelings for you as well, which is why you're feeling insecure and not too sure of what your future with him holds. Maybe you two need to be apart for a little while. Let him sort out his feelings, be alone.
sunshine2627 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I guess Amalphia that is what I am afraid of. The possibility of them working things out. I think he knows that them being apart is for the best. I don't think he'll regret being with me over her. He'll probably question for quiet sometime his decision. I think what weighs the most on his mind is the "what if's", "could haves" and the "would haves". Its going to take time and I know that. I talked to him over my lunch break and he said he was unsure if he was going or not. I asked why and he told me it would be ackward. He was going to see if her parents would like to come over to his house instead. So I'm not sure what's going on. I never once questioned why he would want to go over there and seemed happy that he was unsure about going. He just said that she needs to spend time with their son while she has him today before she drops him off at his house for the night. I don't think he feels much for her anymore. Yes he will always care for her and a part of him will always love her but he is not "in love" with her. Before the separation they tried counseling. She was only there because he asked her to go. She was not really willing to try to work things out. I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice.
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I don't think this is about HIM, HER or YOU. It's about Santa Claus! Lat time I noticed Santa Clause comes to where a child "lives". A child wakes up in the AM and finds that Santa has been there and has left goodies! A child needs to be home for that and his Dad shouldn't have to miss that, either. That's all it is about for now and don't worry so much other than that you did the right thing about supporting this.
sunshine2627 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Turns out his visit didn't go very well. He said it was ackward and he was uncomfortable. She tried getting him to stay to watch her niece but turned her down. He's not in the greatest mood right now which is understandable right? Even though he is for the most part over her there is still going to be that guilt right or am I wrong? Since we have been together and when he was unsure of his decision I told myself along with him that I know there is that possibility of them working things out. I remember a time when I told him to make her talk to him and she would if she really wanted to work things out. That was the day when she chose her OM over him because it was easier to him then the OM. It's harder for me to say that now but I would if he was still having doubt. I feel we are past and he is just trying to handle everything else such as being a single father. Earlier I was at a department store shopping around and who did I see? Yep his X. Nothing was said to each other but I heard her say "oh god" to her sister so I'm assuming she saw me. : ) I hate to say it but it made me happy that she saw me. I can only guess as soon as she left the store she texted or called him to tell him that she saw me. Oh well if she does she does. He knows that I wouldn't say anything to her or try to start anything. Or at least I hope he knows me better than that.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I can only guess as soon as she left the store she texted or called him to tell him that she saw me. Why would you think that she would do that? Just wondering.
sunshine2627 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Why do I think she'd call or text him saying she saw me at the store? Because she hates the fact that I am with her X. She's manipulative and she likes to make him feel bad. So it wouldn't put it past her that she let him know that her and I saw each other. She's called and hung up on him before when he told her I was over there. She's very immature and irresponsible.
sunshine2627 Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Oh yeah and another reason she'd call or text....an excuse.
Amalphia Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Oh yeah and another reason she'd call or text....an excuse. I hate it when the X tries to act like the CURRENT. It really does get VERY irritating. Be careful though Sunshine b/c being a woman you know how sneaky we all can be.
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