Grrlish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 EDIT: I chose the wrong title for this post but I can't change it. It should probably read: How to manage this huge hurdle. My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under 6 months. We clicked from the beginning of our first date. Like most couples, we've had our moments of having to discuss challenging topics as our relationship has progressed. He's a good communicator and doesn't shy away from discussion. In fact, at times, I'm probably more likely to shy away from challenging discussions than he is. Last week, we were out to dinner and at the end of dinner, we got into an argument. Two days later, just before he took off to go visit his mom for over a week, he sent me an email. In a nutshell, the email seemed to say that, for him, the relationship is not working. I feel that it was not 100 percent clear whether he was going to be interested in working on this issue when he come home, or not. Still, the note was far enough on the side of the fence of him not being interested in further discussion, that I'm pretty much going with that, for the most part, but trying to prepare for discussion if that situation comes up. Let me say, I'm in complete shock. I feel like I've been whacked over the head with a lamp post. He's been asking me to spend more and more time as our relationship has progressed, and we've spent nearly every night together for the last couple of weeks before he left for the holidays (all except one, in fact). He had also mentioned me possibly coming to stay with him for a couple of days while he is visiting his family - it would have been my first time meeting his family and probably his best friend. The issue that is in the forefront is the fact that our relationship has been progressing, yet he still chats and exchanges TMs with other women. Now, we're in our 40s, and neither of us was born yesterday. I have male friends that I keep in touch with and I would expect that he would have some female friends that he keeps in touch with. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here, even though he has never mentioned any female friends by name. The thing is that he told me that after his last relationship ended, he spent a lot of time online, meeting women, etc. And that, yes, when he's online, he often gets chatted up by women that he met in the past. I requested that he consider how much of that chatting is appropriate in the context of our relationship. I did not tell him to stop doing it. I told him how I felt about it and trusted him to use his best judgement. Meaning, I don't have a problem with the chatting and TMs if the content is respectful of our relationship. Basically, the discussion started when he turned to me at the end of dinner and mischeiviously said something to the effect of "So, you were sending me naughty messages (on his phone) today". I looked at him and said, no, I haven't sent you any messages today. In fact, it had been quite some time since I'd sent him any messages like that at all. Now, I realize that most of the time, for some reason, my text messages to him wind up appearing as Chat on his phone. If you and I hold a Chat on my phone, and I don't delete it or take some sort of manual action to end it, the next time you send me a chat message, I think it pulls up a previous conversation and starts from there. I'm not sure exactly how his phone behaves in this situation. Either way, you can imagine how the conversation went. I believe that my boyfriend (ex?) has a high level of integrity. He has treated me wonderfully for the last few months. I also think that he's been working at modifying single behavior as he has pursued a relationship with me. (I did. I had to ask a couple of guys to stop texting me, and I do not have sexual/naughty exchanges with anyone via any medium.) His emailed said that by me bringing up the Chat and TMs that he felt that I was questioning his fidelity, and he was tired of it. To me, it seems reasonable to discuss what each of you feels is appropriate/inappropriate inside of a relationship so that you can make sure that you're on the same page about things as you choose to go forward (or not to go forward). His email totally caught me off-guard because he has always seemed to feel the same way, regarding communication. I'm tired this morning and maybe I've missed some points but I think that this post is darn long enough. I think that these are my two main questions: 1. Is it possible that after pursuing me pretty hard core for 5 months that he has a case of 'cold feet' and that the holidays and all that is involved made it worse? And let's say this is the case, this still does not make his behavior okay but it might give me a point of view from which to deal with what might happen when he comes home. (When I say 'come home', I mean back to town. We don't live together.) 2. I love him very much. I'm not the kind of gal to chase him for discussion when he comes home, but I don't want to put him into deep freeze right off the bat. I know that the best thing to do is to give the issues some space and be open to communication if he pursues it (if I'm still interested at that point!). Here's the challenge with giving things some space but not coming off like I'm completely ignoring him: We live in a fairly small town. We go to the same gym (first time I've ever broken the 'no dating at the gym' rule). We both go at the same time of day - before work. I'm in consulting; I never know when I'm going to be done at the end of the day. If I don't go in the morning, I wind up not going at all. I cannot control when he chooses to go but he has the same challenge with his job, although not quite as often. There are very few options for gyms in town (I don't have the money to switch my membership and the other options suck, anyway). I'm not looking to avoid him, anyway. So, worst case scenario: He doesn't call before/when he comes home and the first place we see each other is at the gym. How do I give this situation some space without coming off like I'm ignoring him? I want to give the impression that I'm open to discussion at some point, at least for a little while, without acting like what he did - whacking me over the head out of the blue...AND doing it by email...and then leaving town for a week - didn't hurt me deeply. There's no way that I'm going to be able to be all sweet to him or even converse with him about much else. We've been extremely close for the last 6 months. As he put it, we're like two peas in a pod. Chit-chat ain't gonna cut it. All of this might be irrelevant anyway. Like I said, his email was not 100 percent clear but as much as I'd like to think that he didn't just throw 5+ wonderful months down the toilet, I think there's a good chance that he did and that there will be no conversation about moving forward. I'm in so much pain and shock...sorry about the super long post.
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