gagirl21 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 So here is my deal. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now. We are both 21, a little young but we graduate college in a few months and will most likely reside several states away from each other. I love him very much and our relationship has been very strong lately. He knows that I want him to 'pop the question' but will he ever??? I know we are young but, after three years I feel like we have grown a lot together and it is really hard to watch all of our couple friends get engaged and married and I am trying not to want this but I know that he is the one and I just don't know if I am wasting my time or not. He doesn't like to talk about stuff like this so I can never gage how he feels regarding topics like this. Should I push him or just let go? I don't think I am able to "go with the flow" much longer but I also don't want to lose him... ANY ADVICE????
Vertex Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Are you just wanting to because all your friends are? Just because you don't marry him doesn't mean it's going to be some binding contract that prevents you from losing him. You guys are young and he may not be ready for marriage yet. It's something both sides have to bring up. If he's hesitant then it's probably a sure bet that he isn't ready to pop the question yet, which means you're going to either need to wait it out or call it quits if you are unable to tolerate marriage at a later date. You can't "push" for a marriage he is reluctant to accept... it just won't work. If you feel he is the one, then try to understand where he may be coming from if he isn't ready. Remember that you guys are fairly young... he might consider it too soon. If he wants to wait, are you willing to accept that?
alphamale Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 well GAGGIRL....you've probably heard this 100 times and don't want to hear it again, but you two are WAY too young to get married. If it was 1950 i'd say go ahead but not nowadays. You should not get married until your late 20s or early 30s. You still have a lot of maturing to do. You probably won't understand why I'm saying this but trust me, in 10 years you'll understand for sure.
Vertex Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 As a 20-year-old, I'd be scared if people around my age were getting married. People are just NOT mature enough to handle that sort of thing yet.
samsungxoxo Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 When it's about marriage shouldn't both partners talked about it in advance before one promises?? To the poster: How do you exactly know he wants to propose to you, has he or you been talking about marriage lately?? It's not wise proposing all of the sudden and expecting the partner to say "yes", without talking about it and giving hints in advance, otherwise it would be a terrible surprise if one propose out of no where only to get a "no" from the his/her partner.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 So here is my deal. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now. Many people are together for longer than 3 years before proposing. it is really hard to watch all of our couple friends get engaged and married and I am trying not to want this but I know that he is the one and I just don't know if I am wasting my time or not. If your friends were jumping off a cliff would you follow them also? He doesn't like to talk about stuff like this Not many guys like to talk about marriage. Its a big commitment for them. Should I push him or just let go? Pushing him will make it worse. He will resent the idea at all of marriage. Also if you push him then you may push him to the limit of pushing him away. I don't think I am able to "go with the flow" much longer but I also don't want to lose him Why would you not want to 'go with the flow' with the one you love? If you went with another guy what makes you think that guy will propose to you? Like I said, for guys to pop this question of marriage, or even talk about marriage is difficult for some since its such a big commitment. When he is ready then I'm sure he will commit to you, you just need to be patient, go with the flow, keeping making your relationship as good as it can be.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 well i do kind of know how u feel. like everyone else said u are only 21. the worst thing u can do is push him. just because he isnt proposing doesnt mean he doesnt want to marry u. marriage is a huge step and two people have to have a very mature relationship. guys take longer to realize they want to be married than girls (granted not all guys). i'm 24 and i dont want to get married for a couple more years. i know how u feel about everyone getting engaged and ur not. everyone i know is getting engaged but dont feel bad just cause everyone else is. getting married young sometimes is a bad thing and u need to mature and grow before u can take such an adult step. i know u love ur boyfriend and just because u arent getting married or engaged doesnt mean ur going to break up. keep ur relationship strong and loving. i know its hard just to sit there are wait but ur still young so believe me u have plenty of time.
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well since you as for ANY ADVICE... I'd say yes... go out and find out who you are... what you like and don't like, what the world has to offer, what you want to do, where you think you might like to go... and so on. Like others have said... you're way too young to 'settle down'... ... I know it might seem like he's 'the one'... but you've barely begun to scratch the surface of yourself and your own life yet, and can't possibly know who your ideal lifetime partner might be... (if that is even possible). Last of all, (but sprang first to my mind)... is make sure that you and your potential partner are really, properly sexually matched... because of all the things that can be difficult in a relationship, sexual needs/desires are the most difficult to make 'ok' when one is completely out of kilter with the other. Much more so than ANY other inter-personal activity... sex is the killer, if it's wrong.
Grrlish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 When it's about marriage shouldn't both partners talked about it in advance before one promises?? To the poster: How do you exactly know he wants to propose to you, has he or you been talking about marriage lately?? He doesn't like to talk about stuff like this so I can never gage how he feels regarding topics like this. Should I push him or just let go? I don't think I am able to "go with the flow" much longer but I also don't want to lose him... ANY ADVICE???? Ailec is right - if you haven't talked about it, how do you know that he wants to marry you? Has he said as much, straight up? Surely he's said something when you've brought it up..? Or, have you brought it up? You said that he knows you want him to propose. Have you been direct about this? If not, are you sure that he knows? Graduation is coming and you're both aware that you'll probably be moving back with family or somewhere else for jobs (I'm guessing it's one of these), and there hasn't been any discussion of how your relationship will go after graduation? You don't want to lose him by bringing up the future of your relationship? If he's not planning on marrying you and you wind up living several states away from each other, you're going to lose him anyway. I wouldn't want to be afraid that discussing my future and getting married would chase my potential partner away. If it did, then he really wasn't the one for me, was he? If he wants to do it, he can talk about it. If he can't talk about this huge commitment, why would you want to marry him? You have two ways to go: 1. Bring it up. Even if it's in the context of discussing where you each will be going after graduation. If he's not checking you out to see if you might want to move with him whereever he goes after graduation, that would seem like a red flag to me. Seems to me that if he were interested in continuing the relationship beyond college that he'd be speaking up about it in some context, even if not directly about marriage. Like Lauriebell82 said (above), perhaps he's NOT ready to get married but perhaps he doesn't want the relationship to end, either. 2. Leave it alone until graduation and be prepared for it to go either way. If you decide to wait without inquiry, then you're taking responsibility for the 'shock' if he doesn't propose. I guess that at your age, discussing marriage is a little more difficult sometimes. But my advice is still the same: If he can't talk about important things like getting married, then he's not ready to get married. I was planning on leaving this part out but I feel that I do have to chime in here: Twenty-one is young to be getting married these days. Especially since you're just graduating from college. I know it's hard to hear but you are going to grow and change SO much over the next 10 years. You will continue to grow and change after that but I think that a lot of people I know would agree that your 20s are all about learning who you are and what you're about. I was SUCH a different person on my 30th birthday than I was on my 21st. Try not to be in such a rush to get married, hon. There is so much life out there to live and experience, married or not.
Author gagirl21 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 I appreciate all the advice that I have been given, but perhaps I need to rephrase my question. I do know that we are young and I certainly do not want to get married today or tomorrow or even in the next year or two. However, watching EVERYONE around us doing it just keeps it constantly in my face and I am about to snap. How do I get to a place where I am OK with how things are because a week ago I was fine. But now, everytime I turn a corner, it's the only thing I see and it I can't get it off my mind. How do I get back to being happy with what we had and not worry so much about what we may have in the future??
alphamale Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 However, watching EVERYONE around us doing it just keeps it constantly in my face and I am about to snap. you'll find as you get older GAGGIRL.....that not following the herd is the best course of action most of the time.
justagirliegirl Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I appreciate all the advice that I have been given, but perhaps I need to rephrase my question. I do know that we are young and I certainly do not want to get married today or tomorrow or even in the next year or two. However, watching EVERYONE around us doing it just keeps it constantly in my face and I am about to snap. How do I get to a place where I am OK with how things are because a week ago I was fine. But now, everytime I turn a corner, it's the only thing I see and it I can't get it off my mind. How do I get back to being happy with what we had and not worry so much about what we may have in the future?? And those same people will probably be divorced by the time they are 30 too.
Walk Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 How do I get back to being happy with what we had and not worry so much about what we may have in the future?? Personally, I think you want marriage so that you can feel like you fit in with your "social group". And because you want an extended period of time devoted to fawning over you. Nothing wrong with that. Most people get caught up in that too. But if you know it's irrational thinking, then try running it through the "logic" bull shyt kicker, and you can purge the non-helpful thoughts out. I know that he is the one and I just don't know if I am wasting my time or not. If he's the one, then you're not wasting time. If he isn't the one, then you are wasting time. Either way, marriage isn't going to change that. It just makes it harder to get out of the relationship. Hate to say this... but you're bored. You want something to spice things up. And you think the next logical step is marriage. Why don't you try something better. Work on figuring out how to discuss hard topics with him that are going to affect your entire life if you stay with him. Like marriage, kids, what it means to each of you, how you view it and what both of your expectations are. You wanna fly into marriage blind, then you'll be divorced in a year. Or, you can start trying to figure out if both of you share the same views on marriage and children now, before you jump head first into the shallow end of the pool.
Guest Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 This may sound blunt but to tell you the truth, if the relationship is right than you should not have much of a problem talking about getting engaged or married. You usually already know it will happen and what you should be wondering is when it will happen. Men are very different from women. In my experience, as much as you don't want to give it time, as I wouldn't either, do it anyway. You have an entire life to spend together. I have found that even older men have a hard time committing and doing this so soon can cause a man when he gets older to do things he wouldn't normally do. There is a lot of life to learn between the ages of 18 up to 31 this is an important time where you begin to learn things about yourself that you weren't trying to know and in most cases it changes you and your input on life. With my own life experiences, friends of mine, and I sell jewelry and have seen some shocking things and it's disappointing to see things go wrong even for someone I don't know. I don't want to sound negative but negative things are usually what you need to rule out when taking a big step like this so I hope I've helped and I wish you all the best with your relationship and school!
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