sandy2 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Hello! glad to find ya all here! Desperately looking for some input regarding the latest event I had. A little background: I've been having an EA with a MM, a quite solid one, he seeming to be considering to leave wife for me. His wife was aware of his interest in me but not aware it's mutual. Now here is the "crisis": the other day I was walking my dog in a small park near where they live (I don't live nearby, so it's unusual to be found there), I ran into them!! I didn't want either of them to know that I often go to that area (especially when I hadn't seen MM for a long time), so I tried to cover my mouth with my scarf, but they already saw me. Both of us pretended not to have noticed each other, but the wife took a good look at me, no doubt recognized me. Thinking back, it would be better if I could have behaved normal and greeted them. What I did made it all the more suspicious! I should have known the risk of running into them better! As far as the wife is concerned, I think she now knows more. She's probably very concerned now. But what I want to know is, what could this encounter cause the MM to think? Oh by the way, there's a guy walking very close to me, so I wonder if MM had taken that to be a boyfriend of mine. So, what do ya think MM would be thinking after this? How will that affect his consideration of divorce? If he thought I often go there alone, he would believe he already has a good hold of me (my affection). If he thought I was there with a BF, he may be not happy--will that weaken his divorce consideration? *BUT ABOVE ALL*, when a MM finds that his wife has become aware of his EA, does that reinforce or weaken his divorce decision? Please help me analyze! I see there are a good number of experienced analysts here! Many many thanks!
kymberann Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 This ia a tough on and I am sure you will get varied explanations. My Xmm was "planning" on leaving. It was going to take him time, but I tell ya, as soon as W had suspiscions, he changd his tune and ended A. It really could go either way. There is more to my story, and I probably pushed them back together. I really don't know. Did W meet you before, how would she have recognized you? I don't think you can really know what MM is thinking. HAve you seen or heard from him since? If not i would take that into consideration. If you didn't behave normal how did you behave? Did you want to draw attention to yourself. Just think about that! Anyway, let's see what others have to say as well. But really the point being is asking yourself what you really want for your self! Best
frannie Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 She's probably very concerned now. But what I want to know is, what could this encounter cause the MM to think? Well, hello and welcome to the boards. Its really hard to know what she might be thinking, given that you say she somehow thinks HE is interested in you, but she finds you walking around in her neighbourhood and acting very oddly when you meet them. Why would she think HE was interested in you..? Has he told you that..? And if so... why..? That seems so odd to me. Why should she be 'very concerned' now... because the feelings seem to be mutual? As for his thoughts... well... it all depends on what he thinks of you, whether he's been lying to you or not, whether he cares if you have a boyfriend, or go for walks in any one place more than another... I have to say, my overwhelming feeling when I read this was a little sad... it sounded like you went out of your way to be in their walk... they saw you... and you tried to hide... and now you're wondering whether or in what way you may have affected him and whether it will cause him to think something and leave or whatever (how could it..?)... and my horrible feeling is that he doesn't really care... because if he DID... then can't you just ask him rather than asking us..? Sorry if I sound dismissive or horrible... it is just my gut feeling, and perhaps others will have a different perspective.
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I thought W didn't even know who I really was. I ran into her, thought I handled it okay. (After completely mishandling an encounter with someone who knows him). She went home and freaked on him. We are now day 4 NC.
sandy2 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Thanks so much for your words. Feel a anxious now. My Xmm was "planning" on leaving. It was going to take him time, but I tell ya, as soon as W had suspiscions, he changd his tune and ended A. Kymberann, to what degree of determination had your xmm been "planning on leaving" before the W's suspicion? I think that makes difference. And if you don't mind sharing a little of your story, how could you have "pushed them together"? Did W meet you before, how would she have recognized you? Yeah she's seen me before though we never talked. If you didn't behave normal how did you behave? I mean I should not have tried to hide myself. However it may also be odd to walk up and say hi to them. Clearly I made a huge mistake to be walking there! I will never do that again, but too late. I went away for 3 weeks for my dad's operation so haven't seen him. I won't be able to see him till next year. Well, hello and welcome to the boards. Thank you. Why would she think HE was interested in you..? Has he told you that..? And if so... why..? That seems so odd to me. Why should she be 'very concerned' now... because the feelings seem to be mutual? No, he didn't know that she noticed something (I haven't told him). Why would she think...? Well, once there were many of us there, he was being careless in looking at me too much, his W caught him looking at me. Her attitude later told me she was not happy about it. But there's nothing that could indicate to her my interest in him (I'm very careful). Yes, I'm afraid after this latest encounter her concern became real, because, once she sensed the feelings are mutual, that means someone is pursuing her H, whom her H is obviously very interested, so there's a real danger of losing H. I have to say, my overwhelming feeling when I read this was a little sad... it sounded like you went out of your way to be in their walk... they saw you... and you tried to hide... I was actually walking in a remote corner of the park with few people around. That made the encounter all the more weird and unlucky for me. Neither side would have even dreamed of running into each other there and then! Overall, it seems a bad sign for me!
sandy2 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Since many (most?) MM withdraws the divorce plan and end A after W made the discovery, isn't it a good idea to somehow let the W become aware (but not by telling her directly) of the A, so that the true face (or strength/weakness) of the MM will reveal and those OW who are looking forward to MM's divorce will not to have to waste their time hoping for something that will not come? I know it sounds strange...
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Yes, I'm afraid after this latest encounter her concern became real, because, once she sensed the feelings are mutual, that means someone is pursuing her H, whom her H is obviously very interested, so there's a real danger of losing H. Please don't assume that she is going to "hand" him over to you because some feelings are involved. IF and WHEN she realizes what is going on chances are he will end it with you, tell you that it's NC for good and he'll work on his marriage.
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Please don't assume that she is going to "hand" him over to you because some feelings are involved. IF and WHEN she realizes what is going on chances are he will end it with you, tell you that it's NC for good and he'll work on his marriage. my situation is similar and i hope what i am about to say helps someone out there. i was with a wonderful woman for 4 years and we parted on bad terms and she went into NC. so, i have spent a long time trying to do what i thought we both wanted without clear direction or communication. it was my understanding that this woman wanted to try again, that she loved me, and lived by herself and from what i have been told was that she was single. what i have learned over the last few days is simply this - i do not know what her situation is at all nor do i know if she even loves me or wants to try - what i do know is i was 'lead' to think that she did, and when i 'acted' on that, i was immediately shown how insanely wrong i am about all this. so, even though it was 'discussed' that it is impossible to make decisions communicating in ways that are not clear and that she would clarify things - i must now admit that I have been chasing a ghost - I MUST GO WITH WHAT I KNOW IS TRUE AND HAVE EXPERIENCED - the evidence and reality is OVERWHELMING. when someone tells u nothing, does things that will set u up for trouble, then it is time to WAKE UP, SMARTEN UP, and MOVE ON and DO NOT LOOK BACK - over the last few days, i have been presented with two paths - one clearly is my future - the other is cloudy and while i have been walking on it, it has been a solo endevour, so, i have turned back and i have decided to walk down the one where another wants to work with me and wants the best for me. it is now 9:43, I am doing that now. please understand i tried my best, and i hope 2007 brings you much happiness in life, family and career. stay kewl
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 A MM should leave his marriage because he is not happy and/or not willing to work on it, it's unfixable etc...I don't think that they should leave for another person...If he's going to get divorced it should be for those reasons not for "you" per se...so it shouldn't affect his plans if he's miserable...you know what I mean?
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Hey Sandy.... Welcome....trying to second guess MM is like trying to second guess the weather, they can change directions at any given moment. Hey girl, I understand how hard this is, your hearts involved, and there is something so consuming with these situations. Usually with MM/OW, MM is the driver.....turn the tables and take your power back. Right now you might not want to loose MM....(this is turning the tables and changing the thinking) BUT....if you do loose MM, what have you really lost? Actually I see gain. The fact that MM was walking in the park with W says a lot right there....two people who are not doing well in the M (bad enough for MM to have OW), I wouldn't think they would be taking walks in the park....they usually do opposite things and avoid contact. Please keep posting Sandy....((((((((huggggs))))))))
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 A MM should leave his marriage because he is not happy and/or not willing to work on it, it's unfixable etc...I don't think that they should leave for another person...If he's going to get divorced it should be for those reasons not for "you" per se...so it shouldn't affect his plans if he's miserable...you know what I mean? NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT U MEAN - and why someone would do this to another person is cruel and abusive. what i have ask for is reasonable - to treat me like this is wrong and u know that. i know u don't do this to anyone else so why me? how do u live knowing everyday with the fact that u are capable of this? what keeps someone in a state where they will abuse a person like this - for a whole year - how do u torture someone and go on like u are doing nothing? what will it take cag? u tell me! what do u want? what will it take for u to stop becoming a monster? do u not feel anything? is this pleasure to u? this is sadistic!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT U MEAN - and why someone would do this to another person is cruel and abusive. what i have ask for is reasonable - to treat me like this is wrong and u know that. i know u don't do this to anyone else so why me? how do u live knowing everyday with the fact that u are capable of this? what keeps someone in a state where they will abuse a person like this - for a whole year - how do u torture someone and go on like u are doing nothing? what will it take cag? u tell me! what do u want? what will it take for u to stop becoming a monster? do u not feel anything? is this pleasure to u? this is sadistic! Are you for real?
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT U MEAN - and why someone would do this to another person is cruel and abusive. what i have ask for is reasonable - to treat me like this is wrong and u know that. i know u don't do this to anyone else so why me? how do u live knowing everyday with the fact that u are capable of this? what keeps someone in a state where they will abuse a person like this - for a whole year - how do u torture someone and go on like u are doing nothing? what will it take cag? u tell me! what do u want? what will it take for u to stop becoming a monster? do u not feel anything? is this pleasure to u? this is sadistic! You knew going into this that he was a married man. Don't put all the blame on him. Take responsibility for your own actions and part in the affair. If you're not happy with the way he treats you then END IT and move on. It's that plain and simple.
sandy2 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Please don't assume that she is going to "hand" him over to you because some feelings are involved. I agree with you on that. Thanks for reminding me. ...trying to do what i thought we both wanted without clear direction or communication.... so, even though it was 'discussed' that it is impossible to make decisions communicating in ways that are not clear and that she would clarify things - i must now admit that I have been chasing a ghost - I MUST GO WITH WHAT I KNOW IS TRUE AND HAVE EXPERIENCED - the evidence and reality is OVERWHELMING. when someone tells u nothing, does things that will set u up for trouble, then it is time to WAKE UP, SMARTEN UP, and MOVE ON and DO NOT LOOK BACK - over the last few days, i have been presented with two paths - one clearly is my future - the other is cloudy and while i have been walking on it, it has been a solo endevour, so, i have turned back and i have decided to walk down the one where another wants to work with me and wants the best for me. it is now 9:43, I am doing that now. please understand i tried my best, and i hope 2007 brings you much happiness in life, family and career. Guest (#8), thank you so much for sharing your experience and lessons! It makes so much sense to me. The absence of clear communication and direction is just like my situation. I really like everything you said in your post. Thank you for using your own experience to help me and others! A MM should leave his marriage because he is not happy and/or not willing to work on it, it's unfixable etc...I don't think that they should leave for another person...If he's going to get divorced it should be for those reasons not for "you" per se...so it shouldn't affect his plans if he's miserable...you know what I mean? Yes, I agree. My situation is somewhere in the middle, between: (a) a H who wants to leave W solely because of an OW, and (b) a H who has conflicts with W. Here's why I say this: (a) MM finds no joy or happiness with W, only bored (this is true and pls don't ask me to explain how I know that), he was literally 1/3 way out of the M door, only pending on meeting someone that attracts him enough to trigger a decision. The fact that MM was walking in the park with W says a lot right there....two people who are not doing well in the M (bad enough for MM to have OW), I wouldn't think they would be taking walks in the park....they usually do opposite things and avoid contact. It's true they are not on bad terms with each other. But I know MM, and I know that it's because he's very bored at home that he from time to time take her out for a walk, to parties, etc. It's for himself! He wants to have fun. Sometimes he goes to activities with friends without her. I think I can say that the major problem of his M is he's totally bored. I hope someone will comment on the above two paragraphs I wrote. why someone would do this to another person is cruel and abusive. what i have ask for is reasonable - to treat me like this is wrong and u know that....how do u torture someone and go on like u are doing nothing? Though I wouldn't use the words you use, I think what you say is not without reason. I had not thought about this, but I feel I share your feeling. Yes, people always blame the OW. But OW is the biggest victim if the MM never leaves W. MM will be judged as a good man for returning to W. Either way, MM will be a winner.
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Just remember this. He has and IS lying to his wife, so don't fool yourself into believing that he is totally upfront and honest with you. He said vows to his wife infront of his family, her family and friends... But OW is the biggest victim if the MM never leaves W. MM will be judged as a good man for returning to W. Either way, MM will be a winner. The OW is not completely to blame, ofcourse he is the one cheating on his wife (and kids if there are any) but the OW knows going in that he IS married, has a wife so honestly, the innocent victim is the wife, yet she just isn't aware of it until she finds out. The OW, just like the MM must take responsibility for their own actions and part in the affair.
NoIDidn't Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I read through all the posts but wanted to add my two cents. Please stop putting so much into his words about the state of his M. He is "in the fog" so to speak. Pureinheart said it, if he is so unhappy in the M, why are they out walking together? If your EA is so strong, then why haven't you heard from him yet? - as you assume that they both saw you. You have read alot into a situation that you really have no control over. Don't be surprised if your EA comes to an end sooner than later. He's not ready to leave, he's just blowing off steam.
Trialbyfire Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 If I were the wife, I would have walked up to you with my husband in tow. It would have been worth it to have all parties on the same level playing field. It would have been a very interesting conversation, to say the least...
sandy2 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 if he is so unhappy in the M' date=' why are they out walking together? If your EA is so strong, then why haven't you heard from him yet?[/quote'] NOididn't, in my post above I've answered the questions. If I were the wife, I would have walked up to you with my husband in tow. It would have been worth it to have all parties on the same level playing field. It would have been a very interesting conversation, to say the least... Yup, that would be exactly what I want. (see above)
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 All you can do is wait and ask and see what happens then! He may either play it down and tell you there is nothing to worry about or play it up and tell you to be more cautious. No matter, these things will happen so be careful and think more about what you want and if waiting and lack of freedom is worth the effort. Take care and best wishes!
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