Rose_22 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Hello, I’ve been reading the threads on here hoping to get help to what I’m going through, but my situation feels different then what I have been reading about. I find most of the answers are to do no contact. Well, here’s my story. My bf and I were together for 6 years. He cheated on me and I left him right when I found out. His reason for cheating was because I was pressuring him so much for marriage that he freaked out and couldn’t think straight. I know, there should be no excuse. He wanted marriage for us someday, but my pressure just scared and pushed him away. When I left him, I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him and to never contact me again. I was so angry when I said that, it was just minutes after I found out. He respected my wishes because he wanted me to be happy. He started seeing that other girl. A couple months went by of NC and he started calling occasionally leaving messages asking to just talk. I finally talked to him. He said he was calling just to talk and things, but says hearing my voice made him spill all his feelings from his heart. Saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me, listening to the radio made him so sad because so many songs reminded him of me, that he isn’t happy with the other girl, she isn’t his type, and that his heart has been with me all this time and still is. That he has felt empty without me for the past couple months and it just didn’t feel right with the other girl. That when he was with her he wasn’t himself and wasn’t there in heart or mind because his heart was with me. There is so much more he said, but you get the idea. He wanted to work things out if I would give it a chance. I have done so much thinking lately and was able to forgive his mistake and thought about giving us another chance. I was missing him so much because I have always been so deeply in love with him. So I told him that maybe we could take things slow and see how things go and work towards getting back together. Minutes after that, he called the other girl and told her that he wanted to break everything off with her because his heart has been with me and always will be and that he wanted to try and work things out with me. I went and saw him that night. I know that was probably a mistake. I wanted to take things slow and knew going to see him the first day we started talking again was just too fast, but I just wanted to see him so badly. I’m sure many of you out there know what I’m talking about. Just wanting to see them more then anything in the world. Anyway, two days later he comes to me and says he can’t do this. That he has hurt me so much and doesn’t ever want to hurt me again. That he knows I deserve better. He said his mind feels scrambled right now. Our talk went on for over an hour. He actually had tears run down his cheeks while he was saying these things to me. I’ve never seen him cry in all out 6 years. I know the mistake he made is big, but I was ready to give him another chance. But he is unable to forgive himself for what he did to me and hates himself for hurting me. We talked the next morning and agreed to stay friends because we have been such a huge part of each others lives. I value the friendship part we always had and don’t want to loose that, but I don’t want to loose “us” either. He said: who knows, maybe we'll bump into each other in a couple years and things will be totally different and it would work! But right now he thinks he needs to be single and figure out things and his life, because he doesn't feel himself right now and doesn't want to hurt me in anyway. Also that it would be wrong to jump into relationships. Like when he lost me, he went to that girl, then came running back to me. There is just so much going on in his mind that again, he doesn't want to risk hurting me in anyway. I’ve been crying the past two days whenever I think about us, when there is a romantic moment on tv, etc. Anything. I really respect and understand how he is feeling. I’m not the cheating type, and if I ever did I don’t think I could ever forgive myself either. Will he ever be able to forgive himself and change his mind? I know that no contact works in so many way. I’ve seen that for our couple months of no contact that just ended. But if he really won’t be able to forgive himself for this, about hurting me, and thinking I deserve better, then I’ll just go on as being friends. I truly wish we could be friends and know that we have the possibility of getting back together, but he sounds like he loves me so much he just wants to best for me which is not him. How can he go from saying all those things from his heart to me, then days later say he's been thinking and then dropped that on me. I don't understand. He had months to think about it when we were in NC. Seeing him cry for the first time ever while he was saying all this said a lot to me about how much he cares. I not sure why else he would have gotten emotional like that for the first time in front of me. I don’t know how to handle this. I so wonder what is going through his mind and what he is feeling. I apologize that I wasn’t able to keep this short like I planned when I began writing this. I would love to hear any suggestions, advice, or personal experiences that may help. Thanks!
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I'm sorry you're going through this girl. I'm not so sure if it's in your best interest to stay friends with him at the moment. Just remember, you've stated that you're willing to forgive and try and move forward.... but he's being indecisive. Remaining friends with him will only keep you stuck in his world. It sounds as if he needs to make some concrete decisions about what he wants with you. He's having his cake and eating it to at the moment. By remaining friends with you, he's keeping your hopes alive while preventing you from moving on.... and he's doing this by keeping you close to him without giving you the commitment you deserve. That's not really fair to you. I was in a situation with my ex husband where we were so close to one another, that we leaned on one another during our own break-up. All that did was keep us "stuck". That was a really miserable time for me, because I was in romantic limbo. The benefits of having NC in your situation are as follows: a) It will give him the time and space he should have at the moment to figure out what he wants- so if he decides to come back to you, he'll be ready. or; b) By having no contact, you'll be given the chance to heal and move forward.... instead of being in miserable limbo. It's so tempting after 6 years to lean on one another and keep a friendship going. It's hard to walk away from what is familiar. But how long would you be willing to remain "just friends"? What boundaries would a friendship entail? I was "friends" with my ex for a good two years while we got seperated and filed for divorce. I wasn't able to move forward until I cut off ties with him. If you want him back- you deserve to have him back "comittment and all". You should ask him to call you when he makes a concrete decision. Remaining friends means you'll be in the position of hoping and waiting. Take it from someone who has been there... that is such a hard place to be in. I wish you luck- and of course my advice is only that... You have to do what is best for you to make yourself feel better. You deserve to feel better and be happy, remember that. D
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 What is it in these types of situations where two people who were so close at one time and spent so much time together are so disconnected? I mean, you are supposed to fall back on the person you love and supposedly trust to tell everything to, now it's a turned into a stupid game the is so painful. Very sad.
theplastickid Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 What is it in these types of situations where two people who were so close at one time and spent so much time together are so disconnected? I mean, you are supposed to fall back on the person you love and supposedly trust to tell everything to, now it's a turned into a stupid game the is so painful. Very sad. I agree i am going through a break up at the moment and all i can do is play stupid mind games in a desperate attempt to get her back. NC etc... I hate it!
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