Husband just left

[OnlyUs2Freys]

This past week has been very difficult for me. First after being with my husband for 18 years, married 11 of those years, he chose to leave me, for a girl he met 3 months ago. (she is in the process of a divorce and has 4 children) Not just leave me, but have an affair, and move in with her. Leaving me and our 9 year old daughter. Second his father died suddenly 2 days after he left me. Prior to his father passing I was going to his family for support and understanding, and now it is different. I thought of all times that we could find our way back was during the funeral, but that didn't happen. Instead I sat there like a cat looking into a fish tank, alone and hurting. For the past week I have been trying to get answers, you know the what, when, why and how. Each time was a different answer, and those answers gave me hope. I decided to move out of our home, because I knew I couldn't afford it and everytime I looked around I saw us and our family. So over the past week I have been moving out, taking care of loose ends and helping his mother through this difficult time. When we were together (him and I) I was trying everything to remind him why we were together. I would kiss him, and he would not push me away, instead he would kiss me back and pull me close to him. One time he even grabbed me and kiss me that it sent shivers up my spine. He does things like that but wants a divorce, and goes home to his girlfriend. That makes me so confused. He has shown up here to get things with sweatshirts on that are hers, suckerbites and the worse was when he was bringing me and his daughter to my parents house he told her he loved her while I was sitting next to him. When confronted about that he stated they were joking and it didn't mean anything. (talk about adding insult to injury, it is not like I don't know he is with someone else, but he doesn't have to shove it down my throat) Then 2 days ago I had enough, I text messaged him, and when he didn't answer I got her cell phone # off of our records and text her. Well to make a long story short, he has been playing us both. He told her one thing but tells me another, I finally began to tell her everything that happened, and vise versa. Then yesterday we confronted him together. Everything well almost everything came out in the open. That was hard, but the hardest thing was seeing him with arm around her and him carrying her child to her car. Last year after 18 years we finally decided to get tattoos with each others names. Mine is on my lower back, his on the inside of his forearm. (his has both mine and hers). Now he wants to remove it, he has only been with her 3 months and is ready to remove it. I asked him to keep it. She wants it removed. Am I wrong to want him to leave it? The past 2 days were also difficult because he took our daughter to spend time with his girlfriend and her children. I told him to take it slow with her because, she has emotional difficulties, he said he will never force her to do anything she didn't want to do. She told him both days she didn't want to go, but he made her go. Of course he made it all better by buying her something expensice. I want my husband back, I am still in love with him and want to be with him. This is not a ploy because we have a child, but because I am still deeply in love with my husband, and want him back. He keeps telling me to move on, I have no clue how? I still have so many unanswered questions, and I know I probably will not get the answers for me to close the book. I wish when I looked at him I would have feelings hate, betrayal, and all of those feelings. At times I think it might be easier if I did hate him, but I can't. I keep thinking that couldn't he wait 2 more weeks until after the Holidays, for our little girl, and then on the other hand I wish he would of said something when his feelings started to change. I was to go down to his families for Christmas Eve, and I couldn't. It is uncomfortable to be around him, because I want to be with him, and I feel like an outsider. It is his family, I now am only the mother of his daughter and soon to be x-wife. Tomorrow I have to go down for Christmas, because we decided that for our daughter's sake we will do the Holidays the same as in the past. How can I do it? How can I sit there and celebrate the Holiday when I am so miserable? Everyday since he left me I have prayed for guidance and understanding. I know that this might be what God has planned for me, but how do I let go? When will it get easier? Should I give up and move on, or continue to fight for him because of how much I love him? Please can anyone help me? I know this is jumbled all up, but it is still hard to talk about it, but I was once told that as long as you talk about your problems they are no longer just your problems.

[FlyingHigh]

You were married for 18 years but you vacated your marital home? Go back and reclaim it and let him pay for it!

 

After 18 years, you're entitled to lifetime alimony in some states until you remarry. And if you live in a "FAULT" state, you can pretty much get your wish list. Start educating yourself with divorce, legal procedures, marital assets/obligations disbursements within your state. Check out www.divorcenet.com. Get copies of anything worthwhile ie:

1. joint tax returns, home documents, bank statements, credit cards.
   
2. his w-2 and current paystub. The latter will show any automatic deductions to his pension, retirement, 401K, bank accounts and bonuses you are not aware of. These figures will ultimately determine your spousal support/alimony or child support for minor children you two have.
   
3. In some states, if he marries the OW, her income can be considered in determining your spousal/child support.
   
4. Start looking for a divorce attorney who is familiar with judges presiding over divorce cases in the courthouse of the county you live in. If you have more than one courthouse within the county you live in, an excellent attorney should be familiar which courthouse to avoid.

Meanwhile, check www.marriagebuilders.com. Read "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs", and Plan A & B with regards to exposure and No Contact. Your husband ego is being boosted by his "harem mentality" of having two women at his conveniece. And you're feeding it. Set your boundaries you won't let him cross. But as long as you feed into his harem mentality, he won't have any reason to let go either of you.

 

Think about it...Good luck.

[OnlyUs2Freys]

Sorry I was in a hurry typing, and it sounds like he has a tatoo of my name and his girlfriends name. It actually is my name and our daughters.

[FlyingHigh]

Sorry I was in a hurry typing, and it sounds like he has a tatoo of my name and his girlfriends name. It actually is my name and our daughters.

Forget the tatoo! Why would it even matter or be of any importance to you right now? Let them be his reminder everyday of his immaturity. Get back to the basics on how to overcome this and be smarter than he.

[OnlyUs2Freys]

You are right the tattoo issue should be the least of my worries.

 

Today I took my daughter down to his mothers to visit for Christmas. I thought I would feel uncomfortable, but I didn't until he came. I was very civil with him and wished him a Merry Christmas and tried to make small talk. He on the other had was very short and rude to me. He only stayed for 1 1/2 hours, and spent no time with his daughter, with the exception of taking her with him to run to a local gas station to get something. My daughter and I left a little bit after him and his mother (may I remind you, his father died suddenly on the 15th of this month) asked if I was okay. I told her that I am trying to hold it together. I thought I was appropriate when speaking to him. She just frankly said that he is not the person we all know and love, he is someone different. She doesn't know what happened to him, or where her son is, or where the man I married is. She told me to let him make his own mistakes, and she prays that he knows what he is doing. She also stated something like I hope his is not leaving the frying pan and leaping into the fire. She reassured me that I would always be welcome into her home and family, but not because I was the mother of her granddaughter, but because I was family and her friend. It was reassuring to know that I still mean something to them. As far as him, I don't know if I am giving up or trying to move on, or just plain tired of everything. Is there a difference?

 

I look at my daughter and wish I had her strength to tackle this. He father left and her grandfather passed away all in the same week. I don't know if it is because every night I reassure her that we will be okay, and that no matter what is going on her daddy and mommy love her and that will never change. I pray that somewhere deep inside she gets her strengh from me, but then why am I having so much difficulty with all of this?

 

I know that someday it will get easier, but right now everything is so fresh. He is not giving anyone time to adjust to the whole situation. It is like he doesn't care and he is doing things to intentionally hurt me. Why should I care so much, and why is he taking so much time to think of ways to hurt me? I guess he knows what buttons to push, but while I was down there today, I didn't let him push any buttons. He wore an outfit that she got him and I didn't say anything when he made a big deal out of it, I just sat there an smiled. He pointed out the flowers that he and his girlfriend bought his mother and I stated as nice as can be that it was thoughtful of them to send flowers. (knowing that his aunt told him to do it) I think today I decide to not let him see that he is hurting me. I will put on a brave face while I am with him, and then for the time being break down at night, when no one is around. I don't know which will be easier doing that or just plain avoiding him. I know that avoiding him is impossible because of our daughter. I began to ask myself that if he is intentionally trying to hurt me, why do I want to be with him so much. I do know that I love him and I am still in love with him, but is it enough. I can't worry about that right now, I have to start worrying about myself and my daughter and do what is best for us. But where do I start? How do I let go, and like his mother said let him make his own mistakes? If anyone has any suggestions and to how I can start this process myself please let me know?

[Rooster_DAR]

What a terrible tragedy, this just makes me sick. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but from my experience when people are in affairs there is absolutely nothing you can do unless they are feeling guilty enough to go to therapy. Only then is there a small chance that things could be put back together. From what your saying, it seems to be he is in too far to turn back. By pining for him and pushing him it's only going to validate his feelings even more. The more you remind him that you love him, the more guilty he feels and he will use it to fuel his resolution.

 

I hope you can get through this, keep posting.

 

Cheers!

[anna13]

he says "Ilove you" to a another women when you are sitting next to him and you still are madly in love with him?? No way ...that alone would have angered me enough to start moving forward without him . dont help his family anymore , dont let him come over to visit you anymore, just let him visit with his daughter and that is it . dont be affectionate with him anymore and no more unnessesary phone calls to him . there is a saying that i remember... you teach people how to treat you . when he says "I love you " to another woman as you sit next to him , and he tells you it meant nothing , right there you should have been very cold toward him and not speak to him at all , or his family at all . you dont have to hear this cause you know it , but obviously he is not treeating you right and you deserve to be treated much better to say the least.

 

let me just add that if you dont put your foot down with him your daughter will see how men are supposed to treat women. and that is not what you want to show your daughter. that women have to just accept things. Like I said you deserve better.

[stillafool]

If he told the other woman he loved her in front of you he is in love with her. Also that he would put his arm around her in front of you is telling you that too. When he told you you should move on that is telling you he is in love with the other woman. You have to face reality that he has moved on and truthfully why would you want him back after what he has done to you and your daughter. I wouldn't have made my daughter go over and meet his new family if she didn't want to. You need to take FlyinHigh's advice and seek an attorney as soon as possible. She's right move back into your house and make him pay for it. Don't try to make things easy for him look for ways to make things easy for you. He has already chose his path.

[JamesM]

I am sorry for all of the pain that you are enduring. And I am sad that your daughter has to deal with such confusion and pain at such a young age. I hope it all gets better in time.

 

Why a guy would leave after so many years without some sort of counseling or reconciliation?! What kind of marriage troubles did you have prior to his affair? What were his/your major complaints?

 

How old is he? Is this a mid life crisis (MLC)? How old is the new girl? Do they work together? How did they meet?

 

Go to the website Flyinhigh mentioned. And also proceed in two directions...as if you will divorce, and as if you will reconcile. Also check out divorcebusting dot com. You will find many people in simialr positions. And my personal feeling after visiting many websites...thanks to google...is that here at Loveshack you will find alot of support and answers.

 

The sad part is that (my guess) he will be back. Reality will set in and she will no longer look appealing. Suddenly, her four kids will be a bother, and he will discover her morning breath and emotional instability. I am also guessing by that time you will have moved on, and he will have a broken life.

 

Hang in there. This will get better...one way or another.

[OnlyUs2Freys]

I know what you both are saying. I just need to clarify somethings it might seem like justification to you, but I did leave somethings out that might help see the situation

 

Regarding the home, we are purchasing it on a sales agreement from his aunt, and if I move back in and claim it, I know she will make it totally difficult for me. At first they said they were doing us a favor, but they are shafting us on the price, in the end the house would cost over $60,000 and it is worth 1/2 of that, but at the time we needed somewhere to live. So let him pay twice as much as the house is worth. He moved in with her, but because I moved out of the house he not only has to continue to pay for the house but everything that goes along with it, as well as pay support and other bills. So I rather take the money that I would be paying for the house and save it, so I will have enough money to buy a house, but not only that be able to pick the school district for my daughter that will benefit her.

 

Him telling her that in front of me sent me through the roof, we faught in the car the entire way down to my parents house. (not to mention my daughter was in the car) It was not a pretty sight. I don't like fighting in front of my daughter and at that point I couldn't hold back.

 

We fight about him taking her there, believe me. It is everytime, and lately he has been lying so much, he could say he is taking her to his mothers and do the same. His mother asked me when is she going to see her granddaughter and I told her that he had her all week, and didn't bring her there. I told him that it is not my responsibility to take his daughter down to see his mother it is his. He jumped my case and said that I am still her daughter-in-law and it is my responsibility. I told him no, you made me not her daughter-in-law when you asked for a divorce and it is your responsibility. I told him I want a custody hearing and I am taking p[FONT=Arial Narrow]ermanent custody, and he can see her as his work schedule permits. (he is a truck driver)

 

I have a couple of calls to make today. The first one is to a lawyer, my friends gave me the names of both of their lawyers, so I am contacting them anyway. He wants this divorce, but is taking his time about it, I decided last night that I will give him what he wants. I was in an accident in 05 and I have a lawsuit pending, and I want to make sure he is not entitled to any of the monies I am awarded.

 

I am starting to look at the relationship we had, and I think I still love him because of what I thought we had, apparently he didn't think the same. I will be honest it is hard to move on after 18 years, but I am slowly getting the picture. But do you want the honest truth, I really want him to realize he is making a mistake, and try to come back. I want to have the satisfication of telling him no and making him feel and go through what I am currently going through. I am willing to move on, not happy about moving on, but willing. I just need insight to how to move on. I know I am taking one of the first steps by contacting lawyer. But how can I get past the fact of what my heart is telling me when I look him. How and when will my heart and brain be on the same page? I will I know when I am truely ready to move on?

 

Talking in here as really helped, and they always say that there are 2 sides to every story, but I don't care about the sides. I just want help with what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I know I still have to deal with him until everything is settled, and because of our daughter, but how can I be mean and cold to him. That is just not me. I guess I will figure it out in time and with help.

 

Thanks for everything.

[OnlyUs2Freys]

Prior to the affair, I had no clue there were any problems. Even up until the point he told me I still had no clue. When people found out they couldn't believe it. They were as shocked as I was. A mutual friend stated something like we were always together and seemed so happy that she kept pointing out to her other half that she wishes their relationship was like ours. I had no clue! The only thing that changed was that I was in a pretty bad car accident in June of 2005. That changed a lot of things, I was always in pain I couldn't do the things that I used to do, or as frequent as we did in the past. I am not only referring to being intimate, but other things also. I couldn't work, putting a strain on our finances. He never complained, he actually stated at one point he liked it because for once he can take care of me. Our relationship and everything seemed the same to me. After the accident I had 2 surgeries, one in January and one in June. He was there with me during both, and I still had no clue, because everything like I said seemed the same. His affection to me, mine towards him. Nothing was communicated from him about anything. But apparently his feelings for me began to change shortly after my neck surgery. He says he can't or he won't pin point a time. (Over the last two weeks his story changed, at first it was right after the accident, then when he met her, now after the surgery) I just think he is telling me stuff to tell me.

 

He is 33 and she is 28. The didn't meet through work. Actually how they met seems like it was planned. See he drives truck and he has a partner. Well in September of 2006 his partner met someone and made her his girlfriend, leaving behind his wife and 2 children. Well the woman that is his new girlfriend just happens to be his partner's girlfriends sister. See what I mean by being planned. I found out recently that his partner told my husbands new girlfriend that it would be great if they could get together because they would be perfect, but there was one problem, he (meaning my husband) was happily married. See everyone thought the same as me. I don't know what happened, but that is how they met. I don't know if the three of them hatched a plan to pull him away, and right now I don't care. He made the choice. They might have steered him in that direction, but like they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You can lead a man to another woman, but you can't make him cheat.

[stillafool]

Of course you can't get over someone you've loved for 18 years overnight. It is going to take time for your wounds to heal. I think you are thinking clearer already. Don't be mean to him when you see him, just be calm and state your needs. The more you see him with her you will start to realize who he is and maybe your love will fade. I know I'd be so angry at my husband that he could treat me that way with no warning or anything and be so cold. If this woman means so much to him after only 3 months let her have him. I wouldn't be surprised if one day he does want to come back and I hope you do have the pleasure and the heart to tell him no.

[msblack216]

Hi I am new to the board.

 

I posted because I am also hurting from a separation and maybe soon to be divorced. My husband cheated on me a month after we were married and we have only been married for 9 months now. He cheated on me with someone in my neighborhood, so I had to see them togethere just about everyday. He came back home after about 3 weeks, but ended up leaving about 4 or 5 more times after that. He is now living with his mom I guess, he says he need time to get himself together. I know he is still seeing other women, but he says he is not. I feel so stupid because I let him leave and come back all those times. I would sneek around with him when he was living with the other woman. Could I have been anymore stupid than that. He said he wanated to leave he but didn't know how because she was dangerous and he did not want her to hurt me. I believed all those lies, I now feel like a complete fool. About 3 months ago he said he wanted to date me and try to make things work, while taking it slow. Like a dummy I agreed to it, but what it was all about was sex. About a month or so ago he called and said he needed to be with is wife, I told him I was not some booty call. He said he didn't think of me like that, but after that he did not call as much. I love him so much and it hurts so bad, but I know I have to move on. He has done some terrible things to me and it seems as if he does not care. I invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and it is like it was all for nothing. He is living his life they way he wants, while I sit alone and home trying not to cry. What hurt the most is how he can just go on with any regard to what he has put me through.

[Trialbyfire]

Flyinghigh has it right. Get yourselves a good divorce lawyer and let the good times roll.

 

No one can immediately stop feeling love for someone who they've been with for over a decade. Too bad the person they've loved over the years is either gone or wasn't real in the first place. Also keep in mind that people change over the years. What they wanted at the beginning of the relationship, isn't what they want now. You two were childhood sweethearts and married as teens. My sympathy goes out to you and the baby.

[Dad_of_3]

FlyingHigh has hit it on the head with it.

 

Reclaim everything that is rightfully yours. For you and your daughter.

If he has made his choice and is sticking to his guns on this, well let him make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

You are much better than this common man. He has chosen a really messed up path, you can't change that, what you can change is the environment you choose for your daughter and yourself. Your priorities now should be your daughter and yourself. Without a functioning mum she is going to suffer for it.

So do that one small favour for both of you in the here and now.

 

Please keep us posted

[OnlyUs2Freys]

I just want to let you know that I am not waiting around for him to go and file for a divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow regarding filing for divorce. I will get everything I am entitled to, but let him have the house, I will get a better one with his money. I will keep you all posted. I believe that this will be my first step with moving forward, both mentally as well as emotionally.

[whichwayisup]

Hi I am new to the board.

 

I posted because I am also hurting from a separation and maybe soon to be divorced. My husband cheated on me a month after we were married and we have only been married for 9 months now. He cheated on me with someone in my neighborhood, so I had to see them togethere just about everyday. He came back home after about 3 weeks, but ended up leaving about 4 or 5 more times after that. He is now living with his mom I guess, he says he need time to get himself together. I know he is still seeing other women, but he says he is not. I feel so stupid because I let him leave and come back all those times. I would sneek around with him when he was living with the other woman. Could I have been anymore stupid than that. He said he wanated to leave he but didn't know how because she was dangerous and he did not want her to hurt me. I believed all those lies, I now feel like a complete fool. About 3 months ago he said he wanted to date me and try to make things work, while taking it slow. Like a dummy I agreed to it, but what it was all about was sex. About a month or so ago he called and said he needed to be with is wife, I told him I was not some booty call. He said he didn't think of me like that, but after that he did not call as much. I love him so much and it hurts so bad, but I know I have to move on. He has done some terrible things to me and it seems as if he does not care. I invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and it is like it was all for nothing. He is living his life they way he wants, while I sit alone and home trying not to cry. What hurt the most is how he can just go on with any regard to what he has put me through.

 

You need to start your own thread, that way you get responses that will help you.

[whichwayisup]

I just want to let you know that I am not waiting around for him to go and file for a divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow regarding filing for divorce. I will get everything I am entitled to, but let him have the house, I will get a better one with his money. I will keep you all posted. I believe that this will be my first step with moving forward, both mentally as well as emotionally.

 

That's good. And I do want to say I am sorry for your pain. He's a jerk and hasn't a clue wtf he's giving up. HIS loss, not yours. Though sadly, this will affect your daughter...But I do know you're a great mom and will look after her, make her feel loved and secure. And it seems no matter what you will put her needs first above your own hurt when it comes to dealing with your soon to be ex husband...

 

I am glad you're talking to a lawyer and pushing forward. You're a strong woman!!

[db1018]

OnlyUs I have been reading your story and it is so much like my own, I really don't have any good advice like all the people that posted here, but I wanted to share my story, because we are in the same situation. I have been with my H for 18 years married for 12, have 2 kids (4&11), he left in Sept and was moved in with the OW by the end of Oct. (he started seeing her after he left). He has not had one conversation with me face to face since then, told me thru email that he wanted a divorce, which as of today has not been filed yet. He did come over on Christmas stayed for 2 hours never took his shoes or coat off, never looked me in the eye once.

 

I know how you feel it is heart wrenching that after all this time together, he could really care less about how I feel, and how on earth did he decide that this OW was so much more important then me and my kids, he never even tried to make it work out with us, he did admit that he knows he made a mistake, what ever that means. Everyone is right that posted I know for a fact that my self esteem and confidence has taken such a shot, It's hard to image how to start over by myself. I know how you feel by saying you just want him to want to come back, I'm the same way, I don't think I could let him back at this time, it's just nice to be wanted. His Mom and sisters, and if this OW that his with thinks that told me the same thing, that I will always be part of the family no matter what happens, it's just nice to hear that, considering my family wants to kill him...lol

 

I have found myself calling my H or texting him just to see if he would do things for me, I don't need him to, I just want to see if he would, I know that it is really unhealthy for me to keep doing that to myself, anything he does is just out of guilt, not for anyother reason, I always want to read more into everything then there is. Hopefully the therapist that I'm going to start seeing can help me with that.

 

Someone else posted also that when his world crumbles which it will, no relationship that is started out of infidelity, lies, disrespect, really has any chance of surviving, he will want to come back and by then you will have moved on.

 

Just let me and how much my H has bailed on me and my kids, my son he is 4 fractured his foot on Christmas, got the cast put on Wed, my H seen the on Thur, and has never once called since then to see how he is doing. My daughter never mentions his name she is 11 and my son once in a while will bring him up.

 

To everyone that posted, all of your post have really helped me out also. Thanks so much.