cecil brown Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Well, as some of you know, my GF broke up with me roughly 6 weeks ago. It's been a very difficult time for me, but over the last 2 weeks or so, I have started to pull myself together little by little. We have talked a number of time since the breakup, but the last call ended in anger on her part and her hanging up on me. She has sinced apologized via e-mail, but I was very short in my reponse. Well, out of the blue last week, I received a text from her stating "I love you". I was stunned, happy, confused all at the same time. My curiousity got the best of me and I called her the next day. We had a nice chat, maybe 30 minutes. She asked about work, holiday plans, etc. I tried to keep it light; I didn't want to push her away. However, I asked her about the text she sent. She said she just wanted me to know that she still loves me. The call ended on a good, friendly note. I got the impression she might call me again. My question is now what do I do? Do I try to initiate more in depth talks about the relationship with her, or do I go NC once again? I get the feeling she's starting to miss me, but at the same time, maybe I'm just giving myself false hope. I miss her a lot, and these last couple of days have been hard to say the least. I wish she would just make up her mind Anyone care to offer their opinion?
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 If she's reached out with the I love you and you called her and had a pleasant conversation... well, that's a good start. It's also a precarious stage in the reconciliation process. You'll be feeling the need to pressure now that the door is open a crack. But don't give into this way of thinking. You want her to be the one that comes to the decision that she wants to get back together. So you need to wait for her to bring up the heavy relationship talk. If she contacts again, suggest meeting for a coffee or dinner. Keep it light and don't bring up the relationship. Make her think you are doing well. If you don't hear back from her- you want to wait a while before contacting her again. Don't act too eager. If she is the one who initiated the break up, then she should be the one to come back to you. So, be patient, take things slow, keep yourself busy. How did you leave the phone call? Did you suggest talking again soon? Was there any indication she wanted to meet with you? D
notmakingsense Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I agree with D -- Don't initiate in depth conversations at this point. Let her initiate the contact for a little while, and keep things very light/fun when you do interact with her. Anything too serious/emotional will push her away, so be careful. Continue to let her miss you by not always being available. If she feels that you are moving on, she will reach out to you more aggressively.
Lowcountryman Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I agree w/those opinions above, don't get into any serious discussion about the relationships failures or feelings. Just let things come as they may, if she's initiated contact with you then maybe you need to take the next step and ask her out for lunch or something fun. But above all else avoid talking about feelings unless she mentions it.
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to let her make the next move. D-Lish, I tried to leave the call on an upbeat note. I didn't mention calling her/seeing her, but she said she would call me on Christmas if that was OK w/ me. However, I received an e-mail this morning wishing me a good Christmas, so maybe that took the place of the phone call. As for meeting up, she didn't mention anything. She did ask if I had plans for New Years, but that didn't go any further.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well, I'd wait and see if she calls you tomorrow then. If not, reply to the e-mail (if you haven't already) on the 26th... wishing her the same. I dunno, it sounds promising. It also sounds promising that she asked if it was "ok" for her to call you on x-mas day. That means she's subtley fishing to find out if you're open to her contacting you. A good sign. Maybe she asked about new years to set something up? Her next contact will tell. The ball's in her court...just keep hitting it back lightly until she brings up the heavy stuff. Enjoy your x-mas. Like a loser, I'm sitting at home missing my ex and watching the Excorcist . A great x-mas classic...lol. Dee
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 I'm going to try and play it cool and see what happens. I really think she is just confused right now. Hell, I'm probably confused myself. I love her to death, but deep down, I know she's probably not good for me. She's self centered, and I'm very selfless. Makes for a bad relationship. I wish I could admit that and move on Hope you have a good Christmas too Dee. And don't feel bad; I'm sitting here, drinking a beer, without any TV, lol....I really need to call the cable guy.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well, I'd wait and see if she calls you tomorrow then. If not, reply to the e-mail (if you haven't already) on the 26th... wishing her the same. I dunno, it sounds promising. It also sounds promising that she asked if it was "ok" for her to call you on x-mas day. That means she's subtley fishing to find out if you're open to her contacting you. A good sign. Maybe she asked about new years to set something up? Her next contact will tell. The ball's in her court...just keep hitting it back lightly until she brings up the heavy stuff. Enjoy your x-mas. Like a loser, I'm sitting at home missing my ex and watching the Excorcist . A great x-mas classic...lol. Dee LOL!!!! I'm doing the same thing. Sitting around like a loser having a couple of beers and watching movies. I did manage to make myself a nice dinner, "Homemade Baked Ziti". Too bad some of don't live a little closer, we could have a LS XMAS loser night 2gether.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I'm going to try and play it cool and see what happens. I really think she is just confused right now. Hell, I'm probably confused myself. I love her to death, but deep down, I know she's probably not good for me. She's self centered, and I'm very selfless. Makes for a bad relationship. I wish I could admit that and move on Hope you have a good Christmas too Dee. And don't feel bad; I'm sitting here, drinking a beer, without any TV, lol....I really need to call the cable guy. I went N/C for three months, and we she started sniffing around again she did the same thing yours is doing now. I gave in and spent the weekend with her after she stated I was her true love, a couple of days later she went straight back to the confused person and all her words went out the window. I gave up, screw her and horse she rode in on. LOL
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Rooster, Sometimes I wish she would just leave me alone. She loves me one day and hates me the next. God, I'm such a wimp when it comes to her, lol. I should tell her to go to hell, and find me a good woman, but I'm too dumb to do that
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Rooster, Sometimes I wish she would just leave me alone. She loves me one day and hates me the next. God, I'm such a wimp when it comes to her, lol. I should tell her to go to hell, and find me a good woman, but I'm too dumb to do that Well from my latest experience and all the research of other peoples experiences leads me to believe that all this is predictable, and inevitably winds up on the rocks anyway. I was a terrible wimp too, but I managed to get myself together and man up now. To me it seems that they (our Ex's) are lost in a world of fantasy and drama, and it feeds their need to want it more. It's selfish, and destructive for the receiving side of it, which is us. Strange as it sounds, it seems men in long term relationips become more of what we always thought women should be, we become considerate, nice, and then we get dumped. D'oh!!!!!
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 haha- I didn't want to say it, but I'm on my third beer too! CB. Sometimes we don't realize we're being self centered. We don't mean to be that way.... but you're right about something. When a giver dates a taker (no gay jokes please)... it can lead to resentment. Regardless, you can't help who you love. And you obviously love this woman. Addressing your needs would be a good step in the right direction if you guys have a talk about reconciliation. By being selfless, are you indirectly saying you are a bit passive? If that's the case, sometimes being more assertive about what you want can have a positive affect on a "taker". If you're passive and don't articulate your needs, not only will she become content to take, but you'll develop a hard core resentment over time. My ex never told me what he wanted or needed from me- so I just assumed everything was fine. When we broke up he attacked me for not addressing his needs... but you know what? He never once communicated those needs to me or I would have done a 180 and gotten my act together. Sometimes a "princess" actually wants to be put in her place. I know I function best in a relationship when a man confronts me and communicates with me. Am I off base with the passive behaviour? D
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Dee, I wouldn't call myself passive by any means. I explained to her several times that I wasn't getting the treatment I expected out of a commited relationship. That's what ultimately led to her dumping me. When I say selfless, I mean that I would put her needs before mine. I wanted to make sure she was happy, even if it meant inconveniencing me. Looking back, I guess that was the wrong path to take. It seems in my experiences, that woman take nice guys for granted. Guess I need to act like more of a jerk, lol.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 No, you don't need to act like a jerk. Then you'll just attract insecure women. Having your needs met are really important. It's wonderful to be selfless and put your needs above the person you love... in some instances. but it has to be give and take. Seriously, if you've communicated with her what you need and she didn't give it to you... then that's quite indicative of her character. I know from experience that it is possible to love someone, but recognize they are not right for you. It's hard to walk away from a situation like that because the heart often wins out over the head. It's not something you can see now because your feelings convolute your logic... but maybe you could do better? Just a thought. D
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 You know, my mind keeps telling me I deserve better; don't know why I can't believe that. Guess I need to work on my self esteem a little bit. In reality, I probably have a lot going for me. I'm a nice, caring, guy; I'm decent looking (I think, lol), have a good job, my own home, etc. Damnit, I do deserve better I mean, I do have my faults (I tend to get jealous easy and I can be controlling at times), but I'm working on those things. Maybe once I sort out my issues, I can find a good woman who appreciates what I bring to the table.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well, couldn't have said it better myself. When you feel good about yourself, you tend to choose partners that compliment your happiness. When you're down, you're apt to settle. I know this pattern all too well. And honestly, no one's perfect. I tend to get moody, and I'm jealous too. Those are flaws I really want to change about myself. Insecurity is something we all struggle with... it's a human trait. I don't think having doubts about your self worth is something that ever truly goes away. Hey, it's the doubts that keep us motivated to keep working on ourselves. But we're all especially vulnerable after a break up.. more susceptible to feeling bad about ourselves due to the rejection. I know that after my recent break up that I need to work on a lot of things about myself. I'm never going to be perfect- but hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and can apply what I've learned to being a better partner in my next relationship. What are you doing for x-mas tomorrow?
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 You know, my mind keeps telling me I deserve better; don't know why I can't believe that. Guess I need to work on my self esteem a little bit. In reality, I probably have a lot going for me. I'm a nice, caring, guy; I'm decent looking (I think, lol), have a good job, my own home, etc. Damnit, I do deserve better I mean, I do have my faults (I tend to get jealous easy and I can be controlling at times), but I'm working on those things. Maybe once I sort out my issues, I can find a good woman who appreciates what I bring to the table. Loss of esteem and itegrity are collateral damage that comes from the breakup. Too bad there is not a magic pill that you can take to become the person you were right before you first met your EX.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well, couldn't have said it better myself. When you feel good about yourself, you tend to choose partners that compliment your happiness. When you're down, you're apt to settle. I know this pattern all too well. And honestly, no one's perfect. I tend to get moody, and I'm jealous too. Those are flaws I really want to change about myself. Insecurity is something we all struggle with... it's a human trait. I don't think having doubts about your self worth is something that ever truly goes away. Hey, it's the doubts that keep us motivated to keep working on ourselves. But we're all especially vulnerable after a break up.. more susceptible to feeling bad about ourselves due to the rejection. I know that after my recent break up that I need to work on a lot of things about myself. I'm never going to be perfect- but hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and can apply what I've learned to being a better partner in my next relationship. What are you doing for x-mas tomorrow? D-lish...you certainly would make a model partner. Too bad many other women out there don't have the same structure you have. Enjoy the compliment, I don't have any left to give out.
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Don't have much planned for tomorrow. One of my buddies from work might come over (his gf went out of town). We'll probably kick back a few beers and microwave some turkey TV dinners
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 aww, that sucks! Football is on though... Well, I hope you have a good one. Get drunk! If you lived closer I'd invite you to my parents...lol. And thanks Rooster. Like I said, I think you're rightfully jaded. But maybe it's more about who we choose rather than what's available? If nothing else, perhaps after being with a jack ass we learn to be more cautious in choosing our next partners? I hope that's the case for me. I'm off to bed... three beers and only 100lbs makes me a cheap drunk! Cheers, D
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Thanks for the advice tonight Dee. Hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 You too CB, Try and get some festive food into you tomorrow. I could even argue that McDonald's would be better than a TV dinner... Cheers, Dee
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Well, to make matters more interesting, a friend of mine mentioned that my ex now has a myspace page. (even though when we were together, she said she despised myspace) I know I shouldn't have looked, but curiousity got to me. After looking, it seems to me that she has a new guy friend she's gone out with several times. I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions, but she has his picture on her page, and judging by some of his comments, I see some flirting between the two. I went to check his profile, but it's set to private. However, there is a pic of us when we were together on her page as well. WTF? Now I'm really confused I know I should just leave it alone, we are broke up. But I'll be damned if it doesn't hurt to think she's already been dating. I wish I could just block her from my mind. I didn't want to spend Christmas depressed over her, but she's got me down in the dumps again.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Cecil, stay away from her myspace! It's toxic! It will only drive you mad with speculations that won't help you to move forward. Just be patient and continue with NC. Merry x-mas, D
Author cecil brown Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 I know I need to stay far away from Myspace. I should have never looked, but oh well. I'm a glutton for punishment. Why can't she make things easy? lol...Either be with me, or don't. But don't give me this wishy washy I love you crap when you are still undecided. Maybe her dating this other fellow made her realize she misses me. I don't know. I wish I could find something that can wipe away 2 years of memories, then I'd be fine. And Merry Chrsitmas to you also D. Hope Santa was good to you.
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