mav100 Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 For those that don't know my story, I'll give a brief synopsis: The ex and I dated for a little under a year. We lived together in an apartment for a few months, and then moved into a house her father owned. Shortly after moving into the house, I noticed a shift in her attitude towards me, and I suspected cheating. Little things that people notice like saying "I love you" and hearing her say "I know" instead of "I love you too", and I noticed she was talking about an ex-boyfriend of hers that treated her like crap. Sure enough, the guy showed up at our doorstep one night and she slammed the door in his face, and sure enough, she asked me to give her some space and spend some time at my mothers for a week (this was after she asked me to move out, but she said she wanted to stay together and just take a step back in our relationship, and I refused, telling her if she wanted me to move out we were done). The first night I was supposed to be at her mothers I caught the ex boyfriend in our house with her, got into a fight with him, and called her father to let him know I apologized for what happened, and let him know what was going on when he asked. Obviously after that, I made plans to move out and did so the following weekend. During the week my stuff was still there, and for about another week afterwords, we talked about reconciling (mostly me bringing it up, but she seemed to be undecided what she wanted), since there was some doubt in my mind if she actually "cheated" or not. Clearly having her ex-boyfriend in the house was wrong, but she claims he was there because she needed someone to go with her to check on one of her fathers rental properties - it is possible this is true, but it seems like there would be more to it than that. Since then, there hasn't been much but animosity between the two of us during any conversation we have had. She points the finger at me, telling me how wrong it was of me to involve her dad and throw her under the bus, and I have told her I couldn't believe she would cheat on me and, in a drunken fit, called her a whore. She is now back together with the ex. She dated this guy on and off for 3 1/2 years. For what I was told by her, and by others that know her, he's a real jerk to her and always has been. He even abandoned her right before her mother died a while back and didn't even bother showing up before the wake or the funeral. However, he has 3 kids she adores, and that seems to be part of the reason why she went back. Now I know most people here will say "She cheated, tell her to f**k off!" Given that there is *some* doubt since I lived with her and she had no time to actually do the "deed" with him, I'd be willing to trust her again if she decided she wanted to come back. Take away this whole "cheating" episode, and she's the greatest and most compatible woman I have ever met. Here's the question. Can my measly year of time spent with this woman compare to the time she has spent with this clown? Is there a snowballs chance in hell that she'll figure out on her own that she made a mistake and decide she wants to come back? I've given this alot of thought over the past few days - its been about 3 weeks of N/C at this point, and I've been seeing a few other women since the break-up in the middle of November, but I just keep comparing them to her and they just don't make the grade like she did. Obviously N/C is the way to go right now, but I'd really like to see some opinions on if anyone thinks the memories of me will be able to compete with this asshat.
Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Why would you care if you can compete? She's not worth the race. Obviously you're not pining away since you have already been seeing other women. Why borrow trouble by going back? You're free. You're clear. Let it go!
pennyjosix Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 unfortunately most girls choose the jerk.. and that seems the case. but you do what you want. follow your heart so you wont have any regrets.
uksteve Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 She sounds like a waste of space - sorry to have to say this. If she's with the Ex or even taking him round to rental properties that's just not on. Especially as she's asked for a break. Saying "I know" when someone says you love them is rude and said for effect. She's trying to make a point in my view. As someone else has said, just let it go, move on even though it's tough.
Author mav100 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 Thanks for the comments so far. I appreciate them, however, they seem to address something that I addressed in my post already. I feel if she decided she wanted to come back around, I could accept that. So far no one has really answered the only question that I asked, which is, will the memories of me be able to compete with what she's had with this guy.
uksteve Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 It depends... To have to put yourself in the position of comparison isnt fair on you, but that's not really answering your question. 3 1/2 years is quite a long time to date someone and it must have been traumatic to break up. A year however is still quite a while in my view, it just depends on if she was over him properly when you met - sounds not. Will the memories compete - I would think so. The most recent memories always stand out the most and if you are an upsatnding guy it should be no problem. But if she thinks too much about the other bloke, not a good thing and why should you have to compete...? I would still carry on the NC thing and just get on with things. Its horrible but will make you more attractive anyway for being independent and looking like your enjoying yourself! If she doesnt come back, you will have moved on...
Author mav100 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 I have been dating others myself casually since about 2 weeks after the breakup. So far it has only shown me that it will be hard for other women to compete with the ex. She really is a wonderful woman, save for the stuff with her ex, er, now current boyfriend. In some ways, I feel like my actions pushed her to him. If she was being honest, and nothing truly wrong was going on, my actions after I found the guy in my house have certainly pushed her to him. She did flip flop back and forth for a while, even telling me that a part of her still loved and missed me. Now, the only thing left seems to be animosity towards me. I really have given things ALOT of thought. I wouldn't normallly even be thinking about taking someone back where there is the possibility of cheating. Yes, no matter which way you slice it, what she did was wrong, even if there was no actual "cheating" going on. However, not just my heart, but even my brain seems to be giving her the benefit of the doubt on that one. Funny, if all this crap hadn't occurred, we'd both be in SC now with her family for Christmas and I'd be engaged to her today since I planned on asking her during the trip. She knows about the plans I had since I told her after the initial break-up. I wonder if she's given that any thought at all since she has been down there this past week.
westernxer Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 So far no one has really answered the only question that I asked, which is, will the memories of me be able to compete with what she's had with this guy. Why don't you ask her that (even though it's pointless)?
Author mav100 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 Why don't you ask her that (even though it's pointless)? Your post seems pointless. Thanks for stopping by.
uksteve Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I think that Westernexer was trying to say that you shouldnt have to compete with this bloke and maybe you shouldnt put yourself in that mental situation. You deserve better than second best!! I personally wouldnt contact her though it will be very difficult. Easy to say, difficult to do... You do mention that you've been dating for two weeks and no girl compares. It will be very difficult to be in a position for you to compare in my view until some time has passed. I met a couple of women the other night and to be honest just want some time to gather my thoughts before jumping in to something, but I'm not going to close the door if someone nice pops along! It's a really difficult situation you're in and I feel for you mate!
westernxer Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Your post seems pointless. Thanks for stopping by. Don't get defensive, man. You're asking us to read her mind, something you can't do yourself. Breakups suck, but you should try the best you can to tough it out. Trust me, I don't envy the position you're in. It takes time to sort this out.
Author mav100 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Not trying to get defensive. I'm already aware that most people will say move on. I actually *am* trying to work on that. I'm just looking for opinions on the question that I asked, and just that question.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 There is always comparing. Whether or not your time with your ex competes with her ex-current is probable. We always compare and evaluate based on past experiences. I think what you're really wanting to know is if you have a chance to get her back. Of course people are going to suggest that if she's with someone else that you should move on. If you want to wait and see what happens, it really is best to remain without contact. That is the only real way she can figure out if she misses you. If her ex was a real jerk and she could forgive and go back to him, then it's possible she could forgive you for involving her father and come back to you at some point.
Author mav100 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 Thanks D - as always some level headed and spot-on advice from you. I'm trying really hard NOT to contact her. It's tough though when your spending Christmas Eve alone. So far, so good though. However, I may need to break my cell phone just in case!
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 Well, in order to stop myself from texting my ex, I gave my cell phone to my neighbour and asked him to hold it for me so I wouldn't be tempted to text. I am going out with some friends tonight and I know that after a couple drinks I'll want to text him- so now I won't be able to! Best wishes for the holidays, D
demilde Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 so now I won't be able to! Best wishes for the holidays, D aye but he might be!!! :-) Happy Christmas
overseas2004 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I am just curious whether the thought has occured to you yet that your ex actually was cheating on you. I mean isn't the end result of her getting back with her ex proof that she was cheating on you that time you saw her with him? And even if she didnt actually have sex, isnt the fact that she must have had a conversation with him about getting back together with him, a betrayal pretty equal to her having sex with this guy? Have you thought about that? Didnt have time to do the deed? OWWWWWWWWW Come On? How old are you? As for your other questions... can you compare, will she think of you? I dont know the girl. So I cant answer the question. She may stay with him and never call you again. Or he may do something bad again and then she will come running back to you (wow you are such a winner when this happens). The only third option is that she wakes up one day and realizes duh... he was the one (meaning you). Doesnt sound likely since she sounds like such a decisive and intelligent woman (being that she selects mates who dump her while her mom is dying). good luck....
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