ALLALONEAT35 Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Its been awhile since I last posted. My other posts well explain better, but to make a long story short, me and my husband separated back in July. We had been married ten years, we had alot of ups and downs, but no matter what we always seemed to managed. Over time our relationship took a turn, lets just say we became more roommates then husband and wife. The phone rang one day and it was protective services telling my husband his ex can not be found and his kids needed to be picked up. The relationship with his kids was not really strong. He loved the kids but did not have an interest in building a strong relationship, and least he always seemed to have a excuse on why he did not go get his kids more often... Then the trouble started, his kids and my kids, a total of 5, all teenagers. Boy did I have my hands full. His daughter seemed to manupliate things to benefit only her. Me and my husband were fighting daily, it felt like two families in the house, so I asked him to leave several times. Well the day came and he decided to leave. I have hated myself for those words ever since. I really never wanted him to leave, just appreciate me more, love me, give me respect, be a family!! He decided to move in with his mother... Since he still does not see the things I was doing for us, for him, for our family. His mother has filled my shoes. He has no responsibilities, momnlaw takes care of everything. She even financed him a new truck. I feel like he is moving up in the world, while I am struggling to just get by. Through the last six months I have been very persisent on getting back together. I call him often, and even make dates to go be with him. It really feels like we are the right road in getting back together. Up until a couple of weeks ago.. One night we went out to eat and I was talking about the holidays. Wondering what we were going to do for the kids and our family. He then tells me he has made plans to go to see his family that lives down south, just him, his kids, his mother, and niece. So here I was thinking we were working things out, then he tells me this. I felt as though I was not part of his family.. It was the first time I have ever felt that way. Well here it is the holidays and I kissed him goodbye on Thursday. I cried.. It felt as if it was the day he left me to move in with his mother. Prior to him leaving I took some xmas presents over to his kids, and asked if maybe the kids could open them, and he said it was not a good time, so I left it alone. I stayed for a few more hours and then went home. The next day I never heard from him. I seen him the following day, and was asking if I could come over and see the kids open their presents, and he then tells me, "they already have open them," I was so disappointed. The kids never did call me and thank me for the gifts, I really dont expect them to call but it would of been nice. It hurt. Even though we had more problems when his kids came to live with us, I still wanted to be there for them, I love them as if they are mine. Now we are several miles apart and well be spending the holidays alone for the very first time in 10 years. It still hurts alot and I can admit time does make a difference. However I still try very hard to have a relationship with him. I have called him twice since he has been good. He tells me he loves and I tell him I love him too. I miss him so much. I then told him I need to not call him so he could start missing me, he never said anything. So here I am back to square one, wishing he was here. As time passes I just dont know if we can fix our marriage, I feel he is interested but he just doesnt put alot of effort in it. But honestly that was his way the whole relationship (not putting alot of effort in it), its me that is putting alot of effort in to fixing things. Does anyone have any advise for me... I really do appreciate it........
Dad_of_3 Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 I'm sorry to hear this. This is so strange for myself as well. First time in 15 years I am spending Christmas on my lonesome. I've had quite a big day today nonetheless. I dropped by stbxw's house to open presents with the kids. We had agreed to go halves in their presents. It was tough. Was the first time I had seen her in over 3 weeks. Prior I had seen her almost everyday. I can't truly understand what it is you are going through but I certainly hear how sad and down you must feel. No one wants to feel unloved, certainly from someone they have known and grown with over many years. I can hear alot of mis-communication in your posts. Is it a break down in honesty and openness on both parties? Sounds like your H is running from something. A issue or insecurity perhaps? I dont know him or your situation but to distance himself like that without provocation or cause is usually to me indictive of 2 things. A mistress or real deep down issues. I'm sorry to be blunt with you in this case. With this time away from him, I know it is hard. But take the good from the bad, make the most of the situation. No one is ever truly alone, unless they choose to be. Your kids are there, they are much a part of who you are as you are them. Spend some time with them. Reconnect with them, especially considering they are teens now. Use the time wisely for yourself, rediscover yourself. 10 years or whatever really in a relationship can really make people loose sight of who they really are. You kow why you miss him so much, he's been a part of your for a long time. So entwined in every way and facet. Use the time to find "YOU". Let me ask 1 question. You know your roles pretty well right? Mum, partner, care-giver etc etc. What happened to you ? Right now, in my opinion and its just that. You are coming across very needy. Making all the effort, making all the necessary moves to accomodate him. You are like a lady in waiting for a prince who is taking some time off to rediscover himself. ( I dont see any indication he is having an affair from any of your details ) He's got it prety mad at the moment in my opinion. You are still doting on him, leaving the door open for him. You know in yourself as much as anyone on this board will tell you. It takes 2 people to commit to work things out. 1 person can and never should have to hold up the relationship. I wished I had worked that out earlier ... I think you 2 really need to sit down and talk this one out. Have you considered Marriage Counselling? In the mean time I would suggest some reading material to focus and understand what it is you are going through. Have a read through the board here. We are all different people in different circumstances with alot of life experiences and lessons to share. Pick yourself up some books 1. Divorce-busting 2. 5 Love Languages They are my recommendations. Also prerequisite I have noticed is some websites as well such as: www.marriagebuilders.com It hurts during the season we are in. A time of joy and laughter and to feel the way you do, is not good at all. Whether in the same state, country. Whatever mood you are in, the only one holding you in that state is yourself. I wish I could invite you out for a cuppa in the middle of Sydney to show you the wonders that pass by when you open your eyes. I know it seems bleak and miserable, but it needn't be that way. In time, it gets better. I wish I could say time heals all wounds but for me in my experience, I dont know if thats true. Chin up, Merry Christmas and look forward to a bright New Year Hope to hear back from you
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