R's after A's

[kymberann]

I've been posting on this other thread "what are you doing to move on". Good discussion but I wanted to start another based on some of the content from that post.

 

So I am now week 6 of NC tomorrow. What a long road, ups and downs. I am doing good I think. I know I am over the initial grief and trauma. I have my moments. I met a guy who is 5 years younger than I. I like him, we are only into week one. It's casual. I don't think it will go anywhere other than that, although I see potential. I think he is a player. Either that or really shy! I am ok that it is casual. Well partly so!

 

I know I want a LTR, I want to be with "the one" I am supposed to be with. I thought it was xMM. But I was wrong! There have been a few people who have asked me out. Actually since the NC, these guys are coming out of the wood work! They aren't my type and I don't want to date just anybody right now. But...I do want a committed R. My emotions are mixed and up and down. One minute I know what I want, the next I am jumbled again!

 

ANyway for xOW how long after A was over did you start dating or seeing other people again? Was it hard, did you feel guilty? LIke you deserved it? Did you ever compromise, call the R off because it wasn't right for you? Did you feel stronger for ending a potential R? Basically what has been your experience post A?

Best!

Kym

[Freedom Now]

I have just started dating since breaking with my xMM. I had a few dates in the past few months but they didn't pan out. I am incredibly picky with men now and I have found that I am also incredibly vulnerable.

 

It is the ripple effect from the affair I believe. I have a hard time trusting now. And I am on red alert for any signs of potential bad behavior in a man. So, I know I am still quite tender but I am ready to stick my neck out and give another man a chance. And now I know what I want and don't want in a man. The affair gave me that clarity now.

 

I am ready to welcome another man into my life, tentatively.

 

If it is meant to be with someone else, it will be. I have hope now. When I was with my MM, I had none.

[kymberann]

I have not realized just how much of an impact this A has had! I thought I was "so in love". But now i realize my esteem dropped by the minute. My thoughts and emotions always hinged on when I was going to see MM or hear from him next. I know it is back, slowly. My friend even complimented how I was smiling and back to my old self today. I trust myself, I really don't trust others (mainly men). I am usually a trusting person, but man, I too am looking for untrustworthy behaviors, when in the past I would give people the benefit of the doubt first.

 

The affair gave me that clarity now.

 

I still don't understand why something so painful had to happen so that we could "gain" clarity!?

[Freedom Now]

You know....when you are involved in the thick of an affair, you lose perspective. It isn't balanced. He has all the power and you are at his whim. Sad but true.

 

Painful....absolutely. I was a completely trusting person to my detriment. I trusted him when he said he wasn't married.

 

But worse yet, he adored me. Showered me with gifts and trips and emails and letters and flowers and all kinds of hopelessly romantic gestures. But when "she" found out about me, he abandoned me. I was left to fend alone until the dust settled and predictably, he returned to me. Except, when he returned, things weren't the same. He had destroyed my trust in him.

 

The damage was done. I had become disposable for a time and I saw my true value. I was disposable. And in my life, I had never been disposed of. Never. Even though he returned with great fervor, when the chips were laid out on the table, he denied me. He threw me under the bus. And I couldn't reconcile that in my mind. So after many dignified attempts at ending things once and for all, I had to destroy our "relationship" by destroying all bonds with him.

 

That is where my fear comes from. For if a man could love me so thoroughly and dispose of me so quickly in the next moment, how can I ever trust another?

 

How does one recover from having the rug being pulled out from under oneself? I am recovering, albeit slowly. But it's progress.

 

I am working on it but it is a struggle. But, at least I can see where my weakness is and I can self protect now. But it is difficult. Boy is it ever.

[movinon05]

I have not realized just how much of an impact this A has had! I thought I was "so in love". But now i realize my esteem dropped by the minute. My thoughts and emotions always hinged on when I was going to see MM or hear from him next. I know it is back, slowly. My friend even complimented how I was smiling and back to my old self today. I trust myself, I really don't trust others (mainly men). I am usually a trusting person, but man, I too am looking for untrustworthy behaviors, when in the past I would give people the benefit of the doubt first.

 

The affair gave me that clarity now.

 

I still don't understand why something so painful had to happen so that we could "gain" clarity!?

 

I know this may not sound right, but I have to believe "things" happen for a reason. We just don't know what that reason is at the time.

 

I jumped right into dating and no, I didn't feel guilty. But at first, I didn't want him to find out about it. And yes, I ended Rs when I just knew it wasn't going to work. And it wasn't fair to keep it going just because they wanted it to. I knew it my heart it wouldn't work. I did hurt their feelings ending it, but at the same time, I knew it was not right to continue it. That's just a recipe for another disaster.

 

Of course you want a LTR, you want "the one". It just not necessarily going to come at a time when YOU want it. You do have to go through a process. You have to feel all different emotions and learn from them. You also have to heal. You're not healed yet. And do you really want to go into a potential LTR when you are not healed? Believe me, it doesn't work.

 

Try to take things one at a time. One date at a time. One R at a time. When you are finally healed you will look back and you'll see how the processed worked for you and made you healthier emotionally. Only when THAT time comes, will you be able to open yourself up completely to a potential LTR. And don't you want to be a full person emotionally when you do meet that someone?

 

And I might add, the time this process takes differs for each individual. It all depends on how long and how much of your life you invested in the A.

[Guest]

the widespread problem of female infidelity is a real problem in society today because where men tell all, women leave out very important pieces to this extremely complicated puzzle. The majority are simply unable to disclose all of the information necessary for the man to figure out the problem, and because of that they will punish innocent men without thinking twice of their actions.

 

I'm certain that some women are just afraid to disclose certain key pieces of information because the truth, quite frankly, is so contrary to their current beliefs - and that's why they start seeing u as dirt. Unfortunately, with these types of women that live like this, it's impossible to understand, and to subsequently fix, the real problem occurring in relationships today.

[frannie]

 

The affair gave me that clarity now.

 

I still don't understand why something so painful had to happen so that we could "gain" clarity!?

 

Before I was involved with MM, I had a relationship with someone who turned out to be abusive, a liar, and who misrepresented totally who he was, and ended up attacking me. It was a dreadful time and I didn't think I would recover from the shock and hurt and disorientation of finding out that everything I believed in had been lies.

 

I went into therapy, and asked my therapist exactly that: Was I in need of THIS terrible thing happening in order to wake me up and change me..? HOW did any of this make sense. And she didn't reply, but just allowed it to sink into me that yes, I was in need of such a shocking awakening... I had been vulnerable to him and any other abusive (or worse) man and I'd had a lucky escape... it could have been far worse.

 

What I learnt from my involvement with him was that there are some shockingly abusive and manipulative people around... it's really frightening when you think about it. And you cannot go through life blind to that and vulnerable because they KNOW how to talk to you to get you suckered in.

 

I'll continue in next post...

[frannie]

That is where my fear comes from. For if a man could love me so thoroughly and dispose of me so quickly in the next moment, how can I ever trust another?

 

How does one recover from having the rug being pulled out from under oneself? I am recovering, albeit slowly. But it's progress.

 

I am working on it but it is a struggle. But, at least I can see where my weakness is and I can self protect now. But it is difficult. Boy is it ever.

 

I think you've answered your own question there in part: it's about seeing our weakness (need, perhaps?) and also recognising patterns of behaviour in others which set off alarms. Knowledge and experience.

 

How can you ever trust another..? Because (as far as I see things), the person you have to trust is yourself. Trust yourself to be aware and recognise what is happening, when things are getting 'giddy' or red flags are popping up. Trust yourself not to lose yourself when something feels 'too good' or 'just wrong somehow'. The signs are almost always there.

 

Allow yourself to back off a little and see how he reacts, don't always be trying to please, allow it to fizzle out or not be right. Fulfil as many of your own needs as possible, and enjoy life alone or with friends whenever possible... don't make it all about one person. If you find yourself feeling NEEDY of his approval or presence take a huge step back and ask yourself what's happening. (and all that other advice we're always getting!)

 

And... trust that if things DO go wrong again, and they might (we all make mistakes, however much we think we know) trust that you will be strong enough to deal with it, and survive and thrive.

[Freedom Now]

That's interesting frannie. I have always been a woman who abides by the rules....don't call men, never act needy, have an independent life of my own. I tend to keep my head screwed on straight during relationships.

 

But my xMM honestly didn't show any red flags. None. He was that good. My kids adored him, my friends adored him....he was a dream, or so I thought. And I never did the dance of pursuit with him. He was continually and always pursuing me. I truly felt adored. And I believe in his own way, he did adore me. I was definitely a tough sell. Not an easy conquest.

 

Now, I feel like my radar is off. How could I have misjudged someone so well?

 

Anyway, in the dating situation I am in now, I am staying way back and watching and observing. If he wants me, he will show me. My defense now is to stay detached until I have reason to allow him access to my precious heart. So far so good.

 

But there is no doubt that I am still incredibly vulnerable. Perhaps I need to heal more before I start dating again....

[kymberann]

I know this may not sound right, but I have to believe "things" happen for a reason. We just don't know what that reason is at the time.

 

 

That alone takes a lot of faith! Faith in what, God, the Universe, other people? Myself? I am a "look at the cold hard facts" kind of gal. However I believe in syncronicity. I believe things happen for a reason but not at the time of the occurrence! At the time life does not make sense, unless it feels good and right but when all is said and done, that is when you get your answer. I haven't gotten perspective on this A yet. I am stronger but reasoning is still lacking.

 

I am with FN on this one, I am a hard sell. I am independent, strong personality, not acting needy. I lost a lot of that throught the A. Perthaps I was sliding a bit prior to A? I know I do have a tendency to "please" maybe I need to look atthat more.

 

A friend of mine pointed out that the A may have servd it's purpose so that I should learn not to compromise or lower myself to someone else's standards. I have a past of doing that, but I had no problems ending the R before I got sucked in any deeper. So that still leaves me with why did I get so "sucked in" and emotional?

 

Franni I think you make a valid point,

And you cannot go through life blind to that and vulnerable because they KNOW how to talk to you to get you suckered in.

 

Perhaps I have had my blinders on and was too "naive" for a time being.

But there are some real sweet talkers out there who do so with the honest of intentions. I've seen them. How do we weed out the good from the bad?

Man my radar is still all screwed up too!

 

If you find yourself feeling NEEDY of his approval or presence take a huge step back and ask yourself what's happening.

 

Now that is a BIG, HUGE piece of advise for me! You hit it right on the spot with that one. I actually cringed when I read that. I operated in that form when with MM and actually when I look back on some past R's there is some truth to me feeling that way. Obviously there is some sort of need not being met, and I rely on others to meet it. It was worse with MM, I wasn't able to step back, with others I was able to walk away and cut my losses, not with MM! But I know it is something I still need to work on.

well maybe I am not as healed as I thought I was! But I will be!

Best

[frannie]

That's interesting frannie. I have always been a woman who abides by the rules....don't call men, never act needy, have an independent life of my own. I tend to keep my head screwed on straight during relationships.

 

But my xMM honestly didn't show any red flags. None. He was that good. My kids adored him, my friends adored him....he was a dream, or so I thought. And I never did the dance of pursuit with him. He was continually and always pursuing me. I truly felt adored. And I believe in his own way, he did adore me. I was definitely a tough sell. Not an easy conquest.

 

Now, I feel like my radar is off. How could I have misjudged someone so well?

 

Anyway, in the dating situation I am in now, I am staying way back and watching and observing. If he wants me, he will show me. My defense now is to stay detached until I have reason to allow him access to my precious heart. So far so good.

 

But there is no doubt that I am still incredibly vulnerable. Perhaps I need to heal more before I start dating again....

 

Could be that you do need to heal more, or just take it very steadily... you will know.

 

"How could I have misjudged someone so well?"

 

I suppose because none of us have all the answers, and we can't necessarily see what's going on. I will give you an example, my ex was adored by everyone... life and soul of the party, complete charmer, presents, declarations of affection (in WORDS I now note... meaning meaningless when all is said and done). He never lost his temper, was always willing to talk (and talk, and talk until I felt completely confused).... BAD types can come in very pretty looking packages indeed.

 

All you can do is live and learn, and try not to make the same mistake twice.

[frannie]

How do we weed out the good from the bad?

 

That IS the million-dollar question. Let me know when you find out the answers

[Freedom Now]

I tell you, it's tough. Frannie hit the nail on the head. The bad ones can come in some pretty packages. Heck, my xMM is an ordained minister. If you can't trust a man of the cloth, who can you trust?????

[kymberann]

Heck, my xMM is an ordained minister. If you can't trust a man of the cloth, who can you trust?????

 

 

Ohh man! That is a tricky one! My trust in others would be completly shattered!

[Freedom Now]

Exactly. This is my problem in a nutshell. How does one trust?

 

Last time I spoke with him, he told me he "wanted to honor God with his life....." and in the next breath, he asked me to fly out and join him on a business trip for a few days....(since he hasn't seen my face in 9 months)

 

And THAT, my friends, was the start of the mother of all NC for me. You cannot reconcile in your mind being with someone who is that completely confused and screwed up.

 

Unfortunately, he drug me into his messed up life. And now I am trying to pick up the pieces.....

 

It's hard.

[kymberann]

I think it needs to be done slowly. Give a little see what they do, sit back and watch. I think part of it is going with intuition and gut instinct. BUT you have to trust yourself 100 per cent for your intuition to work.

If that is an issues ask yourself why you don't find yourself trustworthy of your own good? I am working on that for myself right now!

 

I think one lesson I have learned is that I rush the process. I want it all said and done, so I give too quick without looking or being willing to accept the response. I can't stand "waiting it out". I am working on this sitting back part. That is a hard one for me! Plus it is learning to trust myself first. I find diffiuclty with that. But it is something we all have to do!

[Freedom Now]

My radar is completely screwed up after the MM. I have no doubt about that. I can't even go to church without looking at the ministers on the stage and wonder which of them are screwing around on their wives yet looking so serene up there on Sunday mornings.

 

Yes, that man took a chunk out of me. But I refuse to let him take my life away. I got a bad apple. Certainly not all men are such bad seeds.

 

Baby steps for us. Baby steps.

 

And I refuse to make some innocent man suffer for the sins of another. And I am getting there. Slowly but surely, I am getting there.

[kellyp1]

At this time of year, I do volunteer work at a homeless shelter. It is draining and hard work but very rewarding. It puts my life into perspective.

[Freedom Now]

Yes, we could be homeless and have nowhere to go.

 

Puts things into perspective.

 

Thank you kelly.

[pureinheart]

I know I want a LTR, I want to be with "the one" I am supposed to be with. I thought it was xMM. But I was wrong! There have been a few people who have asked me out. Actually since the NC, these guys are coming out of the wood work! They aren't my type and I don't want to date just anybody right now. But...I do want a committed R. My emotions are mixed and up and down. One minute I know what I want, the next I am jumbled again!

 

ANyway for xOW how long after A was over did you start dating or seeing other people again? Was it hard, did you feel guilty? LIke you deserved it? Did you ever compromise, call the R off because it wasn't right for you? Did you feel stronger for ending a potential R? Basically what has been your experience post A?

Best!

Kym

 

Hey Kym....So sorry about your mom....healing from that is a seemingly never ending road, and then for you to have to contend with ex-MM and NC.

 

Dealing with multiple loses is not easy, my prayers are with you (((((((((Kym))))))))....

 

I too thought ex-MM was the one, I really was crazy about him....I would not have felt guilty concerning him leaving the M and "little darlings" because I felt he was sick behind all of them....I later found out he is sick with them....the sickness is intermingled and He would have brought all of that crap into mine and my kids lives....no thank you

 

If your guy is shy, I doubt he's a player....players are usually very agressive.

 

Ex-MM took a lot from me, and am trying to rebuild that....with being on nights have put on some weight and just feel plain beat up right now. There is a temporary aging affect going on right now....but all is temporary and will snap out soon.

 

Not ready for a R right now, but am still open if the one comes!

[Curmudgeon]

I really don't trust others (mainly men). I am usually a trusting person, but man, I too am looking for untrustworthy behaviors, when in the past I would give people the benefit of the doubt first.

 

This is not an uncommon reaction for someone coming out of an affair, especially a woman. But stop and think about it. You're distrusting of all men because of the actions of one man (and calling him that is a gift). Therefore, you unnecessarily limit yourself.

 

By the same token, if you look for trouble and doubt you'll almost be sure to find it even if it's only in your own mind.

 

I'd recommend taking some time off from any and all relationships to do some work on yourself first.

[kymberann]

Well, Christmas is done and over with at my house. We wanted to do it differently since my mother passed away. My dad had such a hard time. It is still such a shock she is no longer with us. It has only been three months.

 

My parents were married 38 years! That is something I will never have!

 

We usually go to my parents house, but two of my girls are sick so my dad came over to my house. It was different, we laughed but we felt the loss. The gift giving was different, we tried to keep some of our old traditions, but it just didin't feel right. When my mom was around she and I would cuddle up on the couch and have a girl talk either before or after dinner. I would have told her my woes, how I am doing, she would have told me how I am such a good mom and how proud she is of me. I would have told her about this new guy, what I should watch out for, is it serious, should I just back off all that stuff. I miss that. She listened a lot when I was in A, she never passed judgement just listened. When I asked her what I should do she would tell me I needed to find my own answer. She knew everything. xMM met her before she got sick. Everytime I talked with my mom she hwould ask how MM was doing.

I

Anyway, I didn't want to start a new post about this, but it ties in with feeling a loss. I know that when you feel one certain loss it twnds to bring up othr losses in your life. Especially true if this one because my mothr knew about the A from the beginnig.

 

THanks oure for your kindness. So glad you decided to not let that "sickness" follow you around and disrupt your own family, it isn't worth it huh?

But there is still pain and trauma that these A's bring.

 

Ex-MM took a lot from me, and am trying to rebuild that

 

Let's just keep rebuilding. I am gradually getting there. I am at a totally different place then where i was 6 weeks ago! Thank the stars and heavens for that. I won't allow MM to take that away, even if he does come back into my life!

Yes all is temporary! All is impermeable! Even feeling plain beat up! keep your head up! You deserve good things!

 

I hope this new guy is just shy, he came over to my house last night and met my two youngest girls. We just sat and watched TV until the girls went to bed. We were going to go to his house, but he said he had unexpected guests staying at his house. He wanted to come over to my house. I said well I have my girls this weekend are you comfortable with meeting my girls? (He's already met my oldest). He seemed fine with it and still wanted to come over. So we had a pleasant time. Don't know when I'll hear from him again, but I am just taking it for what it is, nothing serious yet.

 

By the same token, if you look for trouble and doubt you'll almost be sure to find it even if it's only in your own mind.

Thaks Curmudgeon, so true, I am trying to change my attitude on that!

It's called self fulfilling prophecy!

Best!

[pureinheart]

Ya Kym....this was the third Christmas without my mom ....my stepdad is 95 and has deteriorated bigtime in the last 3 yrs, he just doesn't want to live without her....ya our Christmas is done also and am even taking the tree down because I have so much to do.

 

As I was leaving I told my stepdad to talk to God about it....meaning to take him home ....he looked at me and said, God bless you (I have never heard those words from him before) then I told him when my mom was so sick and just wanted to die, she called me so frustrated and I told her to talk to God about it and she said ok ...(she died the next morning)....he just looked at me frustrated also. I hope God takes him soon....

 

Better days, that is what this next year is about...2007, the number seven means completion/perfection.....

 

It will not be a good year for MM though.....

[pureinheart]

Let's just keep rebuilding. I am gradually getting there. I am at a totally different place then where i was 6 weeks ago! Thank the stars and heavens for that. I won't allow MM to take that away, even if he does come back into my life!

Yes all is temporary! All is impermeable! Even feeling plain beat up! keep your head up! You deserve good things!

 

 

I was doing soooo good until the recent "attacks", and now feel back at square one...was once again reminded that I was the outsider, the side deal.

 

But it is different now, there was so much support from this group and others....where before others were telling me to just get out of it when problems hit, now their focus was on me and my well being....that has made all the difference in the world.

 

You know what Kym....I WON THIS BATTLE.....hey ya know what this new year is also about ...WINNING!

 

Good luck with the running...your a WINNER!

[kymberann]

HI Pure,

Are you going to be ok if your step dad decides to go?

 

My father gave me an updated Will and Testiment. Not as a present (EWWW) but he had to redo it since his old one accounted for my mother being his sole executor.

 

Well now I am and he made me responsible for adhering to all final decisions and making sure no heroic measures are takin to sustain his life. I am also responsible for his material possessions. And I am to decide who gets what and split it amongst family if I decide to. I have a brother and told him I wouldn't make any decisions without him and everything will be split in half.

Freaky to think I am now in this position. I am lookig for signs that may indicate that my dad is ready to go.

 

 

I was doing soooo good until the recent "attacks", and now feel back at square one...was once again reminded that I was the outsider, the side deal.

 

You are doing good! You may feel like you are at square one, but they are the crazies. They want you to feel that! You are no longer the side deal, and he knows that!

 

Remember It will not be a good year for MM though

And it is all his doing!

 

Best!