So my friend had an affair.....

[kymberann]

This time last year. He had moved out rented an apt with my friend. W found out about the A and then flipped. MM cowardly went back and broke friend's heart. He broke up with her via phone. W started calling and threatening my friend. w fnally backed off once MM went back to her.

 

My friend recovered as well as can be expected. Let me just say that her A happened prior to mine, so when she was talking with me about it, I really could not conceptualize exactly what she was going through. There wasn't a judgement call, I just listened.

 

Anyway, MM's niece paid a visit to my friend last week. THey were very close but lost contact after A was found out. Actually niece knew at the time, and was hoping MM would leave W for my friend. The niece ended up explaining that W returned back to her old normal mean self about two months after A. Niece also reports MM is still miserable. My friend did not have the guts to ask if MM asks about her or talks about her to niece. She said she didn't want to know.

 

So, in talking with my friend, it brought up a whole new mix of emotions. She thought she had closure. In one way she is glad he is miserable because he could have made a choice and chose not to follow through. In another way she is angry, because talking about him brought up memories. In another she knows that W is making him miserable and he deserves this.

 

My friend who was and is a support during my A pointed out to me that even though the A is over and our MM go back to their wives, all old patterns of behavior that happened prior and during the A go back to "normal" relatively soon after A is exposed and MM and W are "back together". For me there is comfort in that MM may be unhappy because of the choice he made. I know that sounds cruel, and mean, especially for someone whom I loved and still do. But he earned all the misery he has coming to him simply due to the fact that he did not follow through with what he said he would do.

 

With that being said, if it is any consolation for xOW or soon to be x's or people going through NC, just know the old patterns of behavior in the M fall back in operation not long after. And just know those BS's really make those MM accountable in one form or another.

Best!

[bonehead]

With that being said, if it is any consolation for xOW or soon to be x's or people going through NC, just know the old patterns of behavior in the M fall back in operation not long after. And just know those BS's really make those MM accountable in one form or another.

 

a little insite into the things going back to " normal ".

 

I know it sounds odd and hard to believe, but the " normal " really is normal. Thats one of the biggest problems.

 

It has been what they have known. And as much as the MP hates the situation I really think its what they are " comfortable " with because its a KNOWN.

[kymberann]

Yep, you are right! It is about maintaining the status quo even if it means being miserable. I think that is one of the biggest mysteries of life. Be miserable even if it means keeping things the way they are! It is a way to avoid pain

 

I on the other hand figure, if things aren't working or could be better, want to make a change. Call me masochistic?

Best

[bonehead]

Yep, you are right! It is about maintaining the status quo even if it means being miserable. I think that is one of the biggest mysteries of life. Be miserable even if it means keeping things the way they are! It is a way to avoid pain

 

I on the other hand figure, if things aren't working or could be better, want to make a change. Call me masochistic?

Best

 

I actually lived like that for way to many years.

 

NEVER AGAIN!!

[alphamale]

It is about maintaining the status quo even if it means being miserable. I think that is one of the biggest mysteries of life. Be miserable even if it means keeping things the way they are! It is a way to avoid pain

the desire to avoid future "pain" is directly related to how much "pain" you've endured in the past...

[kymberann]

the desire to avoid future "pain" is directly related to how much "pain" you've endured in the past...

 

Good point. But pain is subjective! What I may find painful, may not even touch the surface to you. People also have varying tolerance leves too. Also past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. If more people were willing to look at that and really conceptualize it, I think people would be more willing to change said status quo! So why stay stuck? Things just aren't painful enough?

 

I actually lived like that for way to many years

BH what really made you change?

[Chapter2]

It's so true...my xMM articulated his fear of the unknown many times. He was terrified of many unknowns...you name it, he was scared of it. Just like a battered child or spouse...they fight like hell to stay with known pain instead of unknown pain. Until...they hit their threshold of pain.

 

You're right, KA, its different for all of us. My threshold was when I was put second (or 10th rather) one too many times and I finally pulled the plug. The pain is equally as bad but different and I'm not interjecting new pain everyday the way I was when he was in my life.

 

I, too, have no pity for the misery he has coming his way and is probably sitting in this very moment. He used to become angry with me for ever doubting his promise that we would be together this very Christmas. In light of all his past Christmas's that he spoke of before we were ever involved...today and tomorrow should suck badly for him. Add to that a hefty dose of "were you talking to her this time last year" from his W and the stage is set for yet another happy holiday.

 

Maybe he'll spend some of his downtime trying to get all that toothpaste back in the tube or read a manual on how to un-ring a bell. Now THAT would be a good Christmas present!

 

Merry Christmas KA...we're gonna get through this just fine.

[kymberann]

My threshold was when I was put second (or 10th rather) one too many times and I finally pulled the plug. The pain is equally as bad but different and I'm not interjecting new pain everyday the way I was when he was in my life.

 

Glad you are here C2!

So true! And I wish I would have seen this during A. That was so painful and degrading, but I was willing to succomb, just for the sake of holding on. Good on you for pulling that plug, but worth the effort!

 

I will never allow myself to be second with any other potential R with a man. The pain is unbearable.

It is amazng I am almost virtually pain free (emotionally and mentally since the NC). I found that hard to imagine when I was with MM. But alas, things are different!

 

I know, sounds bizarre, but it gives me pleasure and almost makes up for some of "the pain" knowing MM will hold on to that misery. He may not see it for what it's worth, that's besides the point. He has his own W to deal with. I laugh at it because he wil now bow down to her and when she says "jump!" he will say "how high!"

That's my present from him!

 

Yep, we will get through this just fine!

You have a great Merry Christmas too!

Best

[Freedom Now]

I believe the best revenge is allowing them the freedom to live in the choices that they have made. After all, we may have closed the door on these relationships, but they ultimately made the choice by putting us behind their money, reputation, etc. etc. etc.

 

What better present could we give them but to give them EXACTLY what they chose.

 

We are gonna be just fine. And in the spirit of bringing in a new year:

 

Out with the old and in with the new.

 

These MM are behind us and beneath us. (Thanks for that line, Romeo...)

[kymberann]

These MM are behind us and beneath us

 

Yes and the farther behind the stronger WE become. That's what matters most!

[Freedom Now]

True that, kymberann.

 

True that.

[pureinheart]

So, in talking with my friend, it brought up a whole new mix of emotions. She thought she had closure. In one way she is glad he is miserable because he could have made a choice and chose not to follow through. In another way she is angry, because talking about him brought up memories. In another she knows that W is making him miserable and he deserves this.

 

My friend who was and is a support during my A pointed out to me that even though the A is over and our MM go back to their wives, all old patterns of behavior that happened prior and during the A go back to "normal" relatively soon after A is exposed and MM and W are "back together". For me there is comfort in that MM may be unhappy because of the choice he made. I know that sounds cruel, and mean, especially for someone whom I loved and still do. But he earned all the misery he has coming to him simply due to the fact that he did not follow through with what he said he would do.

 

With that being said, if it is any consolation for xOW or soon to be x's or people going through NC, just know the old patterns of behavior in the M fall back in operation not long after. And just know those BS's really make those MM accountable in one form or another.

Best!

 

I remember ex-MM was in fear all of the time.....I feel exactly the way you and your friend does...they deserve what they get....can't really understand why they choose "sick", but they do....

 

I was a BW 3 different times and never once went after OW....the problem was ME AND H....period, dot, the end. I don't WANT an man that has to stay with me out of guilt or control....those are very weak men.

 

I have no respect for people that bully their way through life, and stay as far away from them as possible. W's and H's that go after the OW/OM see their spouses as "property", like a car or house....PEOPLE ARE NOT SOMEONE ELSES PROPERTY. It's no different than slavery.

 

I don't agree with cheating, although can see in some cases why it happens.

[pureinheart]

Hey Kym....I really feel for your friend....after talking to ex-MM and all of this stuff that's happening has opened up old wounds....so can understand how your friend feels.

 

It did something to me after talking to him....I never wanted ex-MM to leave because of me, I wanted him to leave to do the right thing for himself....when realizing that no matter how sick things got at home, I started my process of bailing.

 

Ex-MM is into "sick" and thrives in sick....he could never handle my way of living....I don't like kaos and hate lies.

[pureinheart]

I believe the best revenge is allowing them the freedom to live in the choices that they have made. After all, we may have closed the door on these relationships, but they ultimately made the choice by putting us behind their money, reputation, etc. etc. etc.

 

What better present could we give them but to give them EXACTLY what they chose.

 

We are gonna be just fine. And in the spirit of bringing in a new year:

 

Out with the old and in with the new.

 

These MM are behind us and beneath us. (Thanks for that line, Romeo...)

 

We don't have to do a thing....just sit back and watch the cookie crumble...this is what I love the most. Having never been the type to carry out any vengful thinking....it's really too much time and energy divising the "plans" for revenge.

 

Ex-MM was always into getting people back....I used to tell him, it's much easier to sit back and watch God work..."vengance is Mine, I will repay"...some people use the term "karma", I use "you reap what you sow"....it's all the same isn't ladies!

 

Usually people like the MM that we are discussing initiate their own destruction....

[Guest]

Usually people like the MM that we are discussing initiate their own destruction....

 

Yep, they did that starting with many bad choices in their M and culminating fully in the A and aftermath.

 

You aren't truly healed, though until you can stop blaming him for what he did and take responsibility for your own part. A little of that was discussed in this thread with kym stating that she was willing to accept being 2nd, 3rd, and so on.

 

Also past behavior is a good indication of future behavior.

 

Remember this one for yourselves too ladies. Another by Kym. Your past behavior includes getting involved with a MM whether you knew it or not. And for some, staying even after you knew it. Own it. Its all too easy to sit back and blame the MM for the way things occurred, than to look at how we contributed to it. We accepted the offer of a MM. We weren't forced to take it. Some of us accepted it freely and willingly.

 

Sure they are paying for having affairs and hurting their wives and families. But that is nothing to be overjoyed for. Nothing to celebrate. Sounds to me like many of us are still wishing them eternal pain all the while claiming to still love them. Pain is not something I wish for someone I used to or even still do love.

 

Signed

Visiting Former OW