Author chryssy83 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 So, are you guys saying that no matter whether he thinks I don't want to talk to him, if he wants me back he'll call?
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 the fear of commitment is something that is easily solved u know. in my case, i think there has been some misunderstanding and lack of communication. i know the secret to getting over the fear of commitment, and i will share that with only one special person and i am 100% sure that once she hears it, she will say 'I CAN DO THAT' - lets give it a try [because the secret addresses every single one of the concerns she has told me - did the work and listened, babe] as john lennon said 'there are no problems, only solutions'
notmakingsense Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 If the question of whether or not he thinks you want to talk to him is burning you up inside then get it over with -- call him and tell him you would like to talk. Just prepare yourself mentally for a possiple rejection. If you don't think you can handle additional rejection from him, then don't call.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 Yeah...if you had the secret to dealing with fear of commitment you could get SO RICH. Notmakingsense, I really appreciate that you keep posting here!!! I didn't contact him at all, still. I don't know if I can trust him again unless he makes a BIG move....the "grand gesture" I guess! So I think you're right and NC is the best move for me. A friend of mine is having a new years party and keeps telling me about all the guys who will be there. I don't know if I should go or not. Part of me will feel like I'm doing something awful...but I'm not in a relationship right now so I can do what I want. I just wonder if going would make me feel better or worse because none of them are him??
notmakingsense Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Notmakingsense, I really appreciate that you keep posting here!!! I didn't contact him at all, still. I don't know if I can trust him again unless he makes a BIG move....the "grand gesture" I guess! So I think you're right and NC is the best move for me. Well, I didn't want to keep saying this to you, but that is my opinion as well. However, some of us (myself included!!!) need to learn this the hard way, so I wouldn't fault you for trying again. And... you hit the nail on the head. Even if our contact were to succeed in getting some kind of response, it isn't enough to re-build the trust. To re-build that trust, our ex's would have had to reach out to us without our trying to get them too, and then they would have had to make that grand gesture. A friend of mine is having a new years party and keeps telling me about all the guys who will be there. I don't know if I should go or not. Part of me will feel like I'm doing something awful...but I'm not in a relationship right now so I can do what I want. I just wonder if going would make me feel better or worse because none of them are him?? It may make you feel worse -- it is normal for people who start dating again to just get sad about everthing because the dating/parties just remind them of what they don't have. HOWEVER, I think you should go anyway. You need to practice opening up again to others -- just leave expectations out of it. Practice being friendly, funny, and opening yourself to getting to know new people deeply. It may take a lot of work at first, but if you don't get out there and start trying, you are just making it harder on yourself.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Okay, so now things are worse. I just found out that I got a VERY low grade in one of my classes. He broke up with me before finals, then said he changed his mind. I'll be honest...it upset me enough that I stayed kind of shaken throughout exams. And then on my first exam, I screwed something up by accident. So I knew I would get a terrible grade. That shook things up even more. I had another test the next day, which I had thought would be my lowest grade. I just got my score online and it was REALLY low. And now I still have the one I screwed up on (which I'm just hoping I didn't fail) to find out about. Why am I such a stupid wreck? When my grades were good, I knew it was in part from his support. Is it really wrong of me to be pissed now that 1) he was inconsiderate and brought stuff up before exams when he KNOWS how hard they are for me and 2) that now he's abandoned me so that I have to deal with this by myself??? When I saw the grade I wanted to call him. It's still possible (although unlikely) that this could be okay if the other bad grade is the same as this one and the last class I'm waiting on is a really good grade. Not ideal, but kind of a neutral impact on my gpa. He was always there for me before and now I'm just alone. It's strange that I was able to overcome the urge to call him...
whispervale Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 chryssy, Just keep your chin up and don't worry about your grades. A lost exam or two doesn't spell doom for your career or the rest of your life, for that matter. Words from the horse's mouth - I'm a university faculty member, so I am often at the receiving end of students upset with exams. I was also once a student who didn't do well in a course or two... but if you're willing, you will find a way to turn things to your advantage. I know how it is to attribute how well you've done in school to your ex, but you have to remember that when you were doing well it was you who was doing all of the work. You're just as strong now as you ever were!
Author chryssy83 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Thanks WV-- The thing is, it is actually a pretty big deal. I'm graduating after next semester and looking for jobs now. The grades are REALLY important to employers in this field, and the market for jobs is pretty competitive. I know it's easy to think that a bad score on a test isn't a huge deal, but when it's the only test you have for the whole semester in that class (and thus 100% of your grade) and it's so far below your cumulative, it makes you move in class rank. I invested so much of myself in this relationship, and I feel like now I'm just left with a stupid broken heart. I gave up a lot to be with him, and now it's like he just threw it all away for no good reason (at least not a good reason he could tell me). How could he have thought it was a good idea to end it before finals? I figured it meant there was someone else, but then he wanted to get back together.
whispervale Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 In my experience, grades are only part of the job-finding equation. Confidence, organizational skills, and communication ability are just as important - maybe even more so than most realize. In a sense, finding a job is like getting into a committed relationship - you want to make sure you find the right one. If everyone is looking for the same job and all a particular employer is interested in is your marks, then they're probably already selling you short. Fortunately, there are lots of employers who also realize that grades are a terrible indicator of one's ability. Maybe your ex has been going through a fair amount of stress himself and he isn't especially good at dealing with it. Students do crazy things around exam time and sometimes don't make very good personal decisions. Still, he is the one who chose to do what he did. Are you prepared to accept someone who won't be considerate of your own feelings? Does he know how sensitive you are right now? If he really wants to be with you, he will have to come to grips with how he feels about you - anything else is just a mind game.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Well, he should have known. He was being very selfish. I'm mad about that, too. Of course, I guess I let him be selfish before with little consequence, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised? More and more, I can't imagine even talking to him again. I just feel like I was tricked into feeling secure in something that apparently wasn't very important to him after all. How could he just throw all that time away and not even give me a good reason? As far as jobs are concerned...I think I know what job will make me happy but I'm not sure I can get that job in the city he and I planned to live in. It's where I grew up/probably the best place for me. BUT...now, if where he is isn't a consideration, should I apply for that job in other areas? Just to ensure that I find what I'm looking for? The last time we broke up and I made a big life decision, we got back together and I was sorry I had moved. Like I said, I can't even imagine hearing his voice again now...but what if I move off somewhere and then we want to be together again?? Gosh, I'm so stupid, i shouldn't even be thinking about where he is when making these choices. But I don't know how happy I will be if I just move off where I don't know anyone (but it sounds exciting). Thoughts?
whispervale Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Him being selfish isn't exactly the foundation for a good relationship. I wouldn't beat yourself up over letting him "get away" with it. If he took advantage of your patience, maybe he takes you for granted. You, like everyone else, deserves someone who won't do that. I think often times, people make decisions in life without thinking about how it will affect the others around them. Other times, people aren't sure about themselves. Where you look for a job is a personal choice - are you comfortable with the idea of moving somewhere else? There are always lots of factors, but most importantly, you have to believe it's the right thing for you to do. You may also want to live in the present instead of thinking too much about how the future will turn out. You never know what is right around the corner. Would it hurt for you to apply for these jobs now and then wait and see what happens? Better to have more options than not! I don't think it's fair to you to keep yourself from carrying on with your life just because you "might" get back together again. You know, you "might" also find someone better for you moving forward. If you and he decide that you want to commit to each other in the future, then you two will find a way to make it work. If either of you are any less ready to commit, then there will always be a reason why it won't work. I'd suggest that you should just focus on what's right for you and don't worry about how things will play out in the future - he doesn't seem to be doing that for you right now.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Thanks, WV. I just feel really conflicted. Since he always questions my commitment to him (which is weird since he can't commit to the relationship and that's why he said we should split), I fell like moving on just proves his point. That he wasn't really what I wanted or whatever. But I also realize no one wants to date a puddle. And I don't want to be a puddle. Sigh...at least I don't cry all day anymore.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Okay, so I'm bad. I called. He didn't answer. I left a message. It was light. He didn't call back. I'm sure he won't... But I didn't freak out. I did it while on the way to meet a friend so I was distracted all evening and then at the end we talked about it. She said she didn't think it was awful to call him to break the "post-break-up ice," but that obviously calling again isn't an option. More and more, though, I think I'm feeling like we may have been perfect together but there is something wrong (timing? His happiness with his own stuff?) that I can't fix. Maybe someday he'll fix it and if I move back to his town after graduation we'll meet up again, or maybe by that time one or both of us will be happpy with someone else. It still totally sucks and I think he made the wrong choice, but I can't change his mind about things and he was the only one that could have fixed the problem he apparently had in the relationship. I still wish he had talked about it with me... I know everyone said no contact, but in the end the idea that he might think he would be overstepping a boundary I wanted left intact by calling since I always called before made me crazy and I had to do it. I thought about it for a long time...I'm sure it changes nothing. Am I just a really bad girl?
whispervale Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 You're not bad. Just human. We all have our moments of weakness, but it sounds like you did what you thought was best. If he never gets back to you, you can move on knowing that you gave it your all and that things wouldn't work out anyway. Maybe it was timing, but it takes two to tango. You -will- meet someone else and you -will- get past him even if it seems like that's a distant impossibility right now. I tell myself this all of the time.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 So we talked. Should I just continue no contact and see what happens? (If anything.)
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 So we talked. Should I just continue no contact and see what happens? (If anything.) I don't get it. How can you have talked and continue no contact at the same time? What did you talk about?
Author chryssy83 Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Ha. Yeah I thought that when I posted. You said if it was driving me crazy to call and get it out there. So I did. Left a message. Figured he would never call back, actually started talking to a guy I know who was home with his family for Christmas and we might hang out when he gets home...onward and upward, right? Then the ex calls back. We just talked about stuff like normal. Our holidays and such. He called me pet names still...kept saying it was so good to talk. No real relationship talk, except he brought it up once and I said "whatever makes you happy" and he said "I didn't do this to make me happier" and I said that "I REALLY don't know why you did it!" but before he could respond I said "I didn't call you to talk about this" and changed the subject. At the end I just said I needed to go. He sounded a little sad.
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Ha. Yeah I thought that when I posted. You said if it was driving me crazy to call and get it out there. So I did. Left a message. Figured he would never call back, actually started talking to a guy I know who was home with his family for Christmas and we might hang out when he gets home...onward and upward, right? Then the ex calls back. We just talked about stuff like normal. Our holidays and such. He called me pet names still...kept saying it was so good to talk. No real relationship talk, except he brought it up once and I said "whatever makes you happy" and he said "I didn't do this to make me happier" and I said that "I REALLY don't know why you did it!" but before he could respond I said "I didn't call you to talk about this" and changed the subject. At the end I just said I needed to go. He sounded a little sad. Ok, at this point, you have done everything you can & should do. You called, you left him with the impression that you are moving past this but are pissed about him dumping you. Perfect. The ball is in his court now. Go no-contact and assume that he won't call you on his own. Start meeting other guys. If he wants to do something about the situation, it is up to him.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 I feel good about it...he acted like he wanted to have contact again in the future so he can make those moves if he wants. Sigh...it might be wrong, but it was nice to know that he is sad about this. I hated thinking that he had just met someone else and was having a grand old time while I suffered.
shawn_68 Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I know everyone said no contact ... Not EVERYBODY was saying NC. I wasn't. I think for whatever reason he was insecure in the relationship. And that's why he pulled away. If you still want to be with him I think you need to keep things positive, light, and humorous. No pressure. I also think he still probably wants a relationship with you. But he is fearful of you leaving at some point. Do you think that he would ever be able to overcome this fear? I know for me, I was hurt pretty badly about a year ago. I have also met someone new. But right now it is not easy for me to commit to a relationship. I don't want to go through the same thing again. For me, it is helpful that the new woman is understanding and patient. It's not that I won't commit to her. But it's important to take things slow.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Hey Shawn...I'm sorry, I forgot about the minority opinion on this!! I don't think he didn't want a relationship, either. I do wonder, though, how I could do more than I have to make him feel secure in the relationship. I don't think I can. I think it's just something he'll have to find for himself. And maybe he won't...which sucks. So are you of the opinion that I should wait and let him contact me if he wants, though?
shawn_68 Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Hey chryssy, Regarding your question below: So are you of the opinion that I should wait and let him contact me if he wants, though? In your case, I think I would let him know that the lines of communication are open to him if he wants to talk. You've already done that, right? If so, then the ball is in his court. But I wouldn't initiate NC yet, unless you are ready to move on. When you both discuss these insecurity issues what is he saying?
Author chryssy83 Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Example: If I say "you know I love you, right?" he would say "sometimes." What is that?
Author chryssy83 Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 We have now had contact 4 times...one call back to my first call and then three more times initiated by him. He still calls me pet names, sounds sad at the conclusion of calls. What should I do next? The calls have lasted about an hour each.
notmakingsense Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 So, if I'm understanding where all this is right now... He dumped you, but he still calls you from time to time. The calls last for about an hour each, but when they end, nothing seems to change? Do these calls give you some hope of reconciliation, or do they just make you feel worse about the breakup, or are you just indifferent? If hope of reconciliation -- Still let him do most of the calling, but is there a way you can actually meet him live to see if this is going anywhere? If make you feel worse -- tell him that you need time without contact to clear your head, then stop taking his calls. Indifferent -- I'd still stop taking his calls.
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