chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 So if you do NC for 60 days (I don't remember if it was here or in the break up because it's broken stuff), what happens after that? Would I call him? Would I just say that I miss him? Is the point so that neither of us is still dealing with the immediate effects of what happened? To see if we really want to get back together? See, I'm afraid that if I don't call him, he'll think there is no chance. Before I've always called...
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 What were the reasons for the break-up, and did he think at the time that you didn't want to break up?
shawn_68 Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Chryssy, I think we need more info. Why did he break up with you? What were things like towards the end of the breakup? What things were said, etc?
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 Together for 3.5 years. Talked a lot about marriage/future. He said that he doesn't know whether he wants to get married and we should break up. Everything was fine. No fight...he seemed happy, and I know that I was. I guess I'm hoping it's fear of commitment and he might come around?
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I think you should definitely continue not contacting him. The break-up was unexpected and of his doing, and therefore, he should be the one that re-connects. 2 months is not that long of a time, and if the break-up was unexpected, then he already knows you are hurt/missing-him. Also, if he has fear of commitment issues, you reaching out will only serve to keep him away, and staying no-contact is really your only chance. Do some research on commitment phobia, starting with a google-search. There is lots of information available to help you find out if your ex-bf was one of these. If he isnt a CP person, and the break was out of the blue, he may have met someone else. I'm sure that you will find, after doing research on this situation, that staying No Contact is the best approach for 2 reasons: 1. It is probably the best chance you have at having him come back to you, and, 2. It is the best way for you to get over him and find someone who isn't afraid to commit to you
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 I am concerned that he will think I don't want to be contacted. We have broken up before (for other reasons) and I always contacted him. Knowing him, if I make no contact he may think I got mad. I'm SOOOO not the no contact type. Also, it's not been 2 months. He broke up with me and now we haven't talked at all for 2 weeks. I just didn't know what I should do because I have always called him before and we got back together.
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I am concerned that he will think I don't want to be contacted. We have broken up before (for other reasons) and I always contacted him. Knowing him, if I make no contact he may think I got mad. I'm SOOOO not the no contact type. Also, it's not been 2 months. He broke up with me and now we haven't talked at all for 2 weeks. I just didn't know what I should do because I have always called him before and we got back together. Sorry, I mis-read your first post that said NC for 60 days. So, you didn't get mad that he broke up with you? Do you want a relationship with someone who dumps you because of fear of commitment, then doesn't have the initiative to make things right with you? Why is it your role to always be the peace-maker? Use this time apart to really figure out if this will just end up being a repeating pattern with this man. If you don't think this is a repeating issue with him, and you really aren't mad/hurt, then just contact him and tell him you want to try to salvage things. Many of us here on LS are jaded, because we've been through what you are going through -- myself included. It took me 3 years of breaking up and trying to reconcile before I learned what a waste of time it was. I learned that relationships are a 2 way thing. It can't just be one of you that always tries to make it work.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 As far as the fear of commitment thing is concerned-- When we met, he was WAY too serious. Always talking about how he could tell at a couple of months that he could be in love with me. Pressed me for an exclusive relationship. Wanted me to meet his parents, pick things out with him for his house, etc. very soon. Too soon for me. We broke up early on because he was jealous, because he smothered me a little, because he was too serious and it scared me so early on. I was younger and just not in that place. So fast forward a while... He was always insecure that maybe I didn't love him the way he loved me, that I wasn't as physically attracted to him as he was to me, that I didn't understand how many other guys wanted to be with me...I have been completely dedicated to him for such a long time. I knew years ago I wanted to marry him. But because I didn't know in a month or something, he doesn't totally believe it. He said I was trying to win a game, and that society expects me to be engaged. He said that I was obsessed with weddings. I am NOT at all. No one else I know acted like that was even a possibility when I told them he said that. I am not obsessed with weddings...I hate them. I don't want a big wedding. I want to spend the rest of my life with a particular person...that's all. So he says if things could always be just like they were now (before the break up) he would want to marry me. But he thinks they will change. He talks about how he doesn't want to be paying alimony to his ex-wife someday while she lives in the house they once shared with her new boyfriend. I have never cheated on him. I never would. I told him this...I was being the best girlfriend I knew how to be, and when I asked him he had no complaints. But something makes him reluctant to get engaged, and now people told him that I was upset about it (which I NEVER told anyone--and I don't really feel like that, although I would have liked to get married in the next couple years), so he said he was sorry he couldn't decide and ended it. I asked him to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me so that I could replay it in my head to try to move on. He said he can't say that, he can only say that this is what he wants for us.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 So, you didn't get mad that he broke up with you? Sure I'm a little mad. But it's hard for me to stay mad at him ever because I just love him to death. Mostly I'm mad that if there was a problem we should have talked about it. I don't like it that he discussed it with outsiders (one in particular) and then made a decision without conferring with me about his concerns. Do you want a relationship with someone who dumps you because of fear of commitment, then doesn't have the initiative to make things right with you? I question this sometimes...but you know how it is when you love someone. I want to be with him forever if that's possible. I don't want to break up over and over. Why is it your role to always be the peace-maker? Because he hates conflict and avoids it like the plague. He's gotten a lot better since we started dating....enough so that I'm kind of surprised we could never talk about this. Use this time apart to really figure out if this will just end up being a repeating pattern with this man. If you don't think this is a repeating issue with him, and you really aren't mad/hurt, then just contact him and tell him you want to try to salvage things. He did it a few weeks ago and then asked if we could just forget it ever happened. I agreed. He said we still needed to talk about it though. I agreed with that, too. But then when we both came back here for the holiday, he just busted out the break up speech again without a conversation. After we spent the evening together talking and acting like nothing was wrong.... I'm sure I can find someone else. I'm a cute girl, about to graduate with a professional degree, lots of friends and I really think I was a very good girlfriend. I just don't want someone else...I want him.
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 He needs to convince himself that this is the right thing for him. I would move on if I were you. He'll find out that you are moving on, and the knowledge that he may lose you forever will either cause him to come back after you, or it won't. With a person like him, your trust may depend on him showing some strength to be able to help you make the relationship work for the long term. These are all his issues, and they are his alone to get past.
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I'm sure I can find someone else. I'm a cute girl, about to graduate with a professional degree, lots of friends and I really think I was a very good girlfriend. I just don't want someone else...I want him. I'm not getting from your description what is so great about him that you want him so bad. Are you afraid you can't duplicate the chemistry/compatibility you had with him? You sound like a very smart woman. Think about this a bit. I think you deserve better.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 First let me say that I really appreciate your replies. Here's the question...should I contact him once in the next couple weeks just so he knows that the door is open? Just a quick emailing him an article that might interest him or something? My mom said that Dr. Phil's wife wanted to get married and he said it was a bad time so she left him. Four months later she called him and left a message when she knew he wouldn't be home. Then when he called back, she had her roommate say she was on a date and take a message. When she called him back, they went out and talked and got back together and got engaged. I'm just wondering if something like that could happen here...
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 First let me say that I really appreciate your replies. Here's the question...should I contact him once in the next couple weeks just so he knows that the door is open? Just a quick emailing him an article that might interest him or something? My mom said that Dr. Phil's wife wanted to get married and he said it was a bad time so she left him. Four months later she called him and left a message when she knew he wouldn't be home. Then when he called back, she had her roommate say she was on a date and take a message. When she called him back, they went out and talked and got back together and got engaged. I'm just wondering if something like that could happen here... Sure, I think it is possible -- but that's why I asked you about whether or not you think break-ups with him are a repeating pattern. If not, give it a shot. Dr. Phil's wife did something very smart (albeit manipulative), she made sure that Phil realized that she had the capability of moving on, and that he'd better get off is butt and fix the situation. So, make sure your guy knows that you can move on.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 I'm not getting from your description what is so great about him that you want him so bad. Are you afraid you can't duplicate the chemistry/compatibility you had with him? You sound like a very smart woman. Think about this a bit. I think you deserve better. Yes, I'm afraid I can't duplicate the chemistry and compatibility. I take a while to get comfortable with someone. In the year before I met him, I went out with probably 15 different guys. Not one of them was someone I could see myself dating. Then when I met my ex, I knew from the first time we spent time together that I would be sad if I didn't see him again. I didn't know I wanted a romantic relationship, necessarily, just that he was interesting to me. That blossomed into the strongest friendship and romantic relationship I can imagine. I just don't see myself finding another guy who has EVERYTHING I want and can make me feel like the most perfect girl in the world (when he's not breaking up with me, that is).
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Yes, I'm afraid I can't duplicate the chemistry and compatibility. I take a while to get comfortable with someone. In the year before I met him, I went out with probably 15 different guys. Not one of them was someone I could see myself dating. Then when I met my ex, I knew from the first time we spent time together that I would be sad if I didn't see him again. I didn't know I wanted a romantic relationship, necessarily, just that he was interesting to me. That blossomed into the strongest friendship and romantic relationship I can imagine. I just don't see myself finding another guy who has EVERYTHING I want and can make me feel like the most perfect girl in the world (when he's not breaking up with me, that is). Well, then I'm not the best person to be giving advice then. This is the same affliction I had with my ex-gf. It was this belief that she was perfect for me that kept me coming back for 3 years. I finally got tired enough of her fear of commitment that the pain was outweighing the pleasure of reconnecting. It got to the point that when we would re-connect, I would be on edge waiting for the next inevitable break-up to happen. Don't let my experience dissuade you from trying again. Just learn from my experience and don't keep trying to the point that you are compromising your own values.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 So what happened next? 3 years of repeated disappointment, and then where are you now?
notmakingsense Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Thanks for asking..... I'm doing fine. I have peace in knowing that there are lots of opportunities out there for me, and that no one person is worth compromising your self. Obviously I still hurt from time to time, which is why you find me on LS -- but I still know my decision was the right one. For the first time, in a very long time, I have established a vision of someone who returns the same amount of love that I give them -- that's what I want now, and I won't settle for less. But -- this is YOUR thread! Go fot it - just don't do it to the extent that you start compromising your own values.
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I completely agree with that thought process. If he sees you moving on, it's going to hit him hard and force him to make a concrete decision. Even though you're hurting like hell and want him back- you want to do your best to give him the opposite impression. So, I'd stick to the NC. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and keep doing things for yourself that fulfill you and make you happy. If you do decide to reach out to him in a couple months- keep it light. "Hi, just thinking of you, wondering how you are doing" kind of thing. When he recognizes how well you are doing and appear to be moving on, he's going to panic over what he deems he is losing. Good luck, D
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 Have there been people here on the board who have had NC work in this sort of situation? By the way...it kind of already worked for me once a few years ago. I moved to a different city for school and when I called to tell him he asked me to go to dinner with him. We got back together...it's just I can't move again.
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 yep. I've had it work in my favour before, and it brought someone back to me. And I broke up with someone who stopped talking to me and I went chasing after them.... because I came to realize I missed them. I think NC is tailor made for your kind of situation. You have a history, feelings of caring are still there, and you don't have animosity between you. Have you read the post "compliation of how to win them back"? It's by "thekhris". Look up post by doing a search for "thekhris" and it will come up. It gives some insightful info and tactics on NC.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 I just wish I could know why he did this in the first place!!! The reasons he gave me don't make sense. I think that the only reasons a person breaks up with another person are 1) bad behavior and 2) not wanting the other person anymore. This would be the second, but he wouldn't say that even when I asked him to. Is that just to avoid hurting my feelings or does it mean that he wasn't sure?
shawn_68 Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I just wish I could know why he did this in the first place!!! The reasons he gave me don't make sense. From what you have written, it really does sound like he was insecure in this relationship. For some reason maybe he feels "unworthy" of you. And perhaps he feels that you will leave or cheat later down the road. So maybe you are right that this is a fear of commitment. It also sounds like you have tried to reassure him that his insecurities are unfounded. And that he really can trust you. If you think this is a fear of commitment, you can try to keep the lines of communication open at some point. Just keep things light for a while. Go slow and see how things progress. You should also keep in mind that he may never overcome this fear. And that all of your efforts could be in vain. So just keep this in mind. If it were me, I would probably try one last time before giving up and moving on. Wish you the best.
sweetscarlet Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I hope your situation works out for you. It sounds promising. Does anyone know if NC works for very short relationships?
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