Jubilee Kate Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 My grandmother, whom I was extremely close with, died three weeks before my ex and I broke up, and it threw me into a depression. I watched her die for five days, it was horrible. I looked to my ex for comfort and he wasn't there for me (by coincidence, his uncle had a stroke and died the same week.) I looked to my friends and they also weren't there. I needed an escape and I didn't want to look to my family for comfort because I wanted to get away from the pain of loss. So that was that, I was alone and sad, and tired of it all and not willing to take anyone's crap anymore. I one by one started cutting people out of my life. For a while I think I tried running to the ex because the pain he was doling out was easier to handle than dealing with the death of a loved one. I still miss him, I don't know why. I have the entire week off next week. I should be ecstatic but instead I'm feeling uneasy about making it through the week. Too much time=too much time to think and that's a bad thing, especially since I've made trememdous progress in the past week alone. "Miss Zero Tact" telling me that she saw my ex at a ladies night really pushed me along in my healing somehow. (Not that I'm excusing her comment, she's still a weasel.) But I haven't been crying myself to sleep at night this past week and I've gotten back into my sport again, which brings me face to face with a lot of my old friends. I'm scared because I remember what it was like over Thanksgiving when I had time and had a complete breakdown where I cried for three days straight. That was the start of the lowest couple weeks for me when I swore I was going to lose my mind. I guess I just needed to get this out to get it out. I just hope the holidays come and go really fast.
Gala Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I extend my condolences about your grandmother... One thing I keep in mind these days when evaluating a man's long-term potential is his capacity to be supportive. My mother is 88 (she had me rather late), and her mind has started to go. Because of her age, and because I've already lost my dad (when I was 26), the prospect of her mortality is pretty real. THIS S*** IS SERIOUS! And we all go through it. So damn straight one's SO better be able to show up for it. I had a Christmas Day a couple of years ago when I cried A LOT. I was seeing my mother later in the day, but during much of the afternoon I was alone, and almost incapacitated with emotion. It was a little frightening, because I felt like I had no control over it. But the next day I felt a lightness I had not experienced in a long time. So sometimes it really is a catharsis... I also identify with what you said about cutting other people out of your life. I've felt a need to do that during times of duress. Just make sure there's some folks left, OK? I hope you're able to find some peace this week. Take care.
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