Broken engagement!!

[uksteve]

I have been seeing a woman in her mid twenties for over 2 and a half years now, I'm in my early thirties and yesterday she broke off our engagement of just over a year...

 

Now I think I'm a pretty balanced bloke so I'm trying to rationalise this but boy does it hurt!

 

We had a somewhat stormy relationship over the last 2 years, looking back I did propose while things were going great, maybe too soon.It all started to go really pear shaped when we got engaged. I asked the father permission before hand (a bit old fashioned I know) so as to give her parents some fore-warning. All seemed fine, until.... we arrived freshly engaged and the mother and grandmother couldnt have been more negative telling her that it was the worst decision of her life as she was far too young to get married - at 26!!!

 

Anyway, the plan was to move a couple of hundred miles away later next year when her career allowed and I commuted on a weekly basis, making arrangement for my career and spending 3 days a week with her. But as the dealine for that approaches she has been getting really irrational.

 

Now my newly ex-fiancee has always been quite moody - storming out over silly little things, getting upset when I ask her to take her share of household chores (she hates them). But things went from bad to worse. She started telling me on occasion that we were not right for each other but gave no reason. I tried to discuss this and find out why. We started to break up, or rather she did every month, then every week, then twice a week! I was on the verge of leaving her numerous times, but as the eternal optomist and in love with this girl I never did. She told me she knew I'd never leave her and that she loves me/ doesnt love me/ loves me again! It really started to do my head in as I was going through break ups constantly and the emotions that brings. I also do a bit of photography but she is never interested in anything I do as she says she finds it boring!!Basically criticising every thing I do or try to be good at - not supportive at all!

 

We spent last xmas with her parents and this year we agreed to spend it with mine. She broke up yesterday after I'd been waiting several hours for her to come home so we could make the long trip. She said she didnt like spending time with me or away from her family and wanted to break up.

 

To be honest, her parents I've been told hate me and I dont understand why! I have any issues and have my own business in a seperate town... Her mother is very possesive and when we went away all together sshe would hold her daughters hand and hug so much that i felt quite out of place and that's not something I was getting any of! Now I understand that family is very important but I've been told that her family is more important to her than me as is her job. She said that most couples dont spend xmas together until they have kids - surely that's not right?

 

I do think I've conditioned her to be basically moody and nasty and get away with it by not standing up to her - strange as I'm very confident in most other areas of my life, but not great at these things - always feels like so much to loose.

 

Anyway, I think the break-up is final as our rented apartment lease must be signed and renewed this week and I took the opportunity to gather most of my posessions and take them to my home. She has called her parents (now with them for xmas) and told them, called her best friend. To be honest I know it's for the best now that we dont get back together - better a broken engagement that a broken marriage!

 

It basically hurts very badly and I feel myself getting very upset randomly - it doesnt help as it's xmas in a couple of days either but mind you last time she did this it was on my birthday when she stropped as she couldnt think what to buy me for my present in town!

 

So, should I just not call, do the cold turkey and move on... I've never been engaged before (but in a couple of long term relationships) so this is quite daunting...

 

Thanks

[Lostandfound]

I feel for you, it all depends on her feelings for you, if she cared, she would not have done this, but it is down to the degree of the feelings she has.

 

Personally, I would not initiate any contact with her, if she makes contact wait for something you want to hear, before replying.

 

This will make her wonder what you are doing, and are up to, and if anything will draw out the curiosuty in her, and maybe the feelings for her.

This will also aid the healing process if this does not happen.

 

Unfortunately, if she is swayed by her parents, then there isnt much you can do to resurrect this,

 

I would hang fire, and see how things develop, but as it is so soon before Christmas, I certainly would WAIT and see what happens over the next week or so

[uksteve]

I think you're right there.

 

It is so tempting to call but instead I've deleted her number, writing it down on a card and putting it away - that removes the temptation to text or call!

 

I'm very confused by this all, one minute it's "I love you so much and could never imagine life without you" and the next it's "I dont think we are right and I can't explain why".

 

After thinking about it some more today - still fresh - and talking to my close friends and family I will just have to move on. The one thing someone said which made me think was that "what are you getting out of it". A constantly on-off, unfulfilling relationship! The parents thing would also cause so many problems with kids and I think the best thing is, however hard it is, is to move on....

[Guest]

i am sorry you are going thru this during the holidays - its always a rough time. maybe you both are just under some stress right now, and just need some time to get rested and be on yer own for a bit. i wouldn't start viewing everything as in black or white issues, and sometime in life we do go back and forth.

 

don't let that part distract u from the obvious fact that both of u have something special and stay positive. hey, u never know, maybe tommorrow you both will have changed your minds again. the best thing to do is no pressure and no stress, and enjoy the holidays

[daphne]

Steve,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're getting put through the wringer. Honestly, I don't believe your ex loves you or respects you. You've allowed her to run slipshod over you for far too long and she's immature, so of course she doesn't know how to behave any better. One of the biggest rules in early courtship is to not allow disrespectful behavior to occur without standing up for yourself. You need to learn this. You've been the nice guy for too long and you need to learn survival tools with women. You felt like you had too much to lose by standing up for yourself but that's the opposite. You had too much to lose by keeping quiet.

 

You have to realize that you have value, and whenever her family and your ex behave badly, they are belittling that value. How they behave defines their lack of value. You just go with whatever and you have no personal power in this relationship. I don't think this relationship would work regardless but you need to know how to behave confidently in the future. go take a look at lovetactics.com to learn a few pointers on how to hold your own in a relationship.

[uksteve]

I think you made a good few points daphne.

 

I think you're totally right - I had a 6 year relationship that ended in my mid twenties and I'm sure I did this same thing! I should have learned my lesson back then!

 

I feel that although I asked for quality time together (she has a very long hour job) that she seen this as a threat to time spent with her family and friends. We had little quality time together - I would see her friends quite a bit and she would see them when i was not there too! Now there was no priority given even to seeing my friends, family or the like. Very one-sided.

 

Her parents pressurised to see the her every holiday or free time - as they were a good two hour drive away this made things difficult. I do remember about a year ago, she wanted to break up, I say fine then go ahead and went out with my friends as I had planned (silly argument over something trivial again). She called me continuously that night and I just ignored the calls. We made up at that time but to be honest I think she is fully aware of what she is doing but I just dont understand it. I think I have "conditioned" her to act like this and she gets a lot of attention from it. Maybe now she's just tired of the trick. So I need to rectify my behaviour - I had a quick look at that site annd it seems to have some good reading!

 

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I've been trying to keep busy since yesterday and have been quite constructive. I've sorted out the finance details to put closure on this (been very reasonable so not to make a bad split) and am going to have NC at all. Unfortunately I have to speak with her with regards to rent payment but I'll let her make the contact. As far as I am concerned, she's had enough of my efforts to make the relationship work and it's over, plain and simple (although slightly scary!! )...

[daphne]

Steve,

 

Just be prepared that it's going to hurt pretty badly for a while. Even if you are tired of being treated like a doormat. Don't lose faith and realize that once someone is conditioned to treat you poorly, there's very very little they will do to change that. It's better to learn from it and do better next time. It really doesn't sound like you were getting a whole lot from the relationship anyway.

 

Remember that in order to sustain a long term relationship, there's got to be a certain amount of attraction. When one person bends over backwards for the other or there's too much power on one side, the attraction is dead for one person. This is a dead end street for relationships. Once you learn how to diplomatically hold your own with a woman and not put up with any crap, you'll be able to keep a woman interested. I know that I don't like assh***s but I don't like a guy that doesn't know how to tell me no when I cross the line. We need to know you're going to be a man.

 

Best of luck and I hope you have a peaceful Xmas. It will get better. I promise.

[uksteve]

Words of wisdom!!

 

I think you're totally right. My problem was that although I did stand up and say "hey, that's wrong", maybe I gave in a few times too much too for an easy life.

 

I dont think it helped that this was essentially a long-distance commuting relationship either and every week you have to get used to being with each other all over again.

 

Some things are better left finished and I'm looking forward to a stress free, argument free family Xmas (if there is such a thing)!

 

Lessons learnt and hey, if it doesnt kill you it just makes you stronger!

 

Happy Xmas too!

[uksteve]

Just thinking this morning that each day things seem to get a little less intense feelings wise...

 

I suppose I knew this was coming for a while and maybe prepared myself somehow!

 

I think I would never have been happy with someone who had such interfering parents and the disruption/heartache that would cause with any future family life.

 

I have firmly adhered to the NC rule Now this isnt some last visage of hope but some part of me will awlays want to sort things out. Maybe I'm old enough (definately not wise enough:o ) now to realise when things have to change.

 

I think the problem is as well I've been holding on to living in a different city with all my friends down there for a few years now and my ex-fiancee was a way of mainting this status-quo. A few years back I started my business in the place where I was brought up after wanting a change from the career I was in. I think part of the feelings of loss are for my life down there and my close friends I will not see as much. If it was breaking up on it's own it would be tough but a complete change of lifestyle is what's complicating this.

 

Anyway, I'm lucky enough to have a nice home where I have decamped back to, a successful business I run and some good friends and family here.

 

So, I'll stick with the NC, to be honest it would be best if I dont hear anything - I think her family will make sure she doesnt slip and call (her mothers interfered in this way before) and to be honest I think she's reached the stage herself where she is ready to move on! I can see her getting in touch when she goes back to an empty flat but there is nothing she could say or do to change things, I'm not going to be treated like a doormat for any relationship...