rtstamb Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 So, I was in a really serious relationship about 3 years ago, everything was great, we were engaged, lived together, everything, well she ended up being insane, like very paranoid and jealous. And wanted to fight all the time. So I left her. This girl, was my life. When I was with her, I felt like I was in a dream, everything felt so just cloudy around us. I just loved being a part of anything she was a part of. I was so in love, and she was so beautiful to me. Well now, since then, I havent been involved in a serious relationship, or anything remotely close to what I had. I am really scared, I am changing, and the reason I am is because I have been single for a while. I moved to a place where I dont know anyone, because I transferred from my job to a better position in a different location. So I am in a town with no friends. My job is very social, I have and I am getting to know a lot of people in the town I am in. But I just know them from work when I see them there, or know them if I see them at Wal Mart. There are no hanging out or get togethers, they arent that close of friends. Anyway, I am scared. I am vulnerable phobic I think lol. If thats a word? I am scared of being in vulnerable situations. I dont like coming onto girls, or hitting on them unless its flirty joking, I dont like when people go out of their way for me, it makes me feel selfish. I am just a wierd person now, and I think its because even though I have a very social work life, my outside life, is not social at all. I dont know what to do. And I dont know how to get over this hump I am in. Please help!
shachic Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Well. I'm not in the exact same boat as you...but I do find myself alone a lot. My work friends are also awesome..but yea, only a few of them hang out outside of work - I do consider them friends outside of work, but they have their own lives, you know? Unless we make a big to-do about planning a get together..usually on the weekends, I don't do a whole lot. Outside of these friends..I have a handful of friends who I hang with time to time...but still, I feel a litte empty. As you can tell...its saturday night...and i'm at home :-) What's even more sad..is that I live in the middle of a big city...yet..i'm still alone...with not much to do. Not that there isn't anything to do...its just that I can also be very shy (not around my good friends...around them, i can't shut up..lol)..but i don't like to be in situations where I'm vulnerable either....i don't like going out w/ big groups of people who I barely know. I like smaller gatherings with good friends...rather than big gatherings w/ people who barely know. I know i'm not helping...don't have much advice to give...but hopefully you know that you are not that weird..lol. I consider myself pretty normal. I do have friends, great family, good job, etc. I don't have a signifcant other though..and I guess its b/c of this I feel lonely in a crowd of friends. I am just sad that I don't have a boyfriend.....so a lot of the times I don't feel like going out. sigh!
moman Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 This is a very lonely Christmas for me as well. My ex-gf and I broke up in 10/05 so this is my second consecutive christmas alone. Compounding the hurt is that the girl I've been seeing since August and I had a fallout out exactly one month ago today but we are talking again, but my invite to her family christmas party was rescinded. Plus I have no family within 1200 miles of here and will be spending tomorrow and christmas day completely alone. I do have a couple friends that are around but many have gone away for the holidays. Tonight I got in the car and took a ride to look at Christmas lights. I am slighly lonely but not too bad, believe it or not I am kind of looking forward to going back to work on Tuesday. What is keeping me going is that I am thankful that I have a LOT of good friends and this is the first Saturday night I have been at home alone in about 3 months. Plus I went out with a bunch of people last night to get my fill for the day. Merry Christmas and know that you're not the only person suffering this year, if it's even bad enough to be called suffering.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I am going through the lonely phase as well. I think I'm okay about 60% percent of the time, but the of times can be quite overbearing. I am a career man so I don't have a lot of time to spend going to social places. Compound that with being in a 5 year relationship and most of my friends are married, I don't have many people to hang out with. I have committed myself to staying alone for at least a year, I want to be perfectly comfortable with myself. I think this is good therapy for anyone who has issues with being lonely. Cheers!
Love Hurts Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 None of us knows what will happen from one year to the next. So many life altering things happen to us. I feel so sorry for you lonely Christmas souls. I have wondered what I would do if I were alone at Christmas. I hope I would listen to Christmas Carols and set myself up with all the festive things we are accustomed to at Christmas time. Be comfy, cozy and warm recall all the joyous Christmases past I spent with family, loved ones and friends. Consider those that have no roof over their heads today, those sick in hospitals, those in prison, those abandoned in orphanages and foster care and those in Iraq that so long to be home and cant be. Say a prayer of thanks for where you are and what you do have. Smile, have a little Christmas Cheer and sink into what the celebration all about. Above all have hope of the great and wonderful possibilities the New Year can bring us. Thinking of you at Christmas God Bless stay warm……..keep hope alive.
melodymatters Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I am going through the lonely phase as well. I think I'm okay about 60% percent of the time, but the of times can be quite overbearing. I am a career man so I don't have a lot of time to spend going to social places. Compound that with being in a 5 year relationship and most of my friends are married, I don't have many people to hang out with. I have committed myself to staying alone for at least a year, I want to be perfectly comfortable with myself. I think this is good therapy for anyone who has issues with being lonely. Cheers! Rooster, Thats very brave and quite sensible and all the rest, but can you stick to it ? What if a really cool woman you click with comes into your world ? I have considered making the same decision, but then I think it's up to the universe when and if I meet somone special, not me, and I don't want to close any doors.
Author rtstamb Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 Its just I have been single for al ong time, and am not ok with myself because I keep thinking something is wrong with me for being single. This is my 2nd Christmas in a row without someone as well, and it is driving me insane. Plus the heavy pressure from my family... " Why havent you found anyone yet?" "You need to meet someone" blah blah blah. It really is starting to get to me. I really do want to meet someone, but the pressure from that is even worse. I see these happy couples and I want that. And I see these girls that get took for granted by their guys, or vice versa, and I dont understand, why some people cant be thankful for love. Love is the one thing, I would be thankful the most for. Not family love, or friendship love, true love, which is when you strike a connection with someone you werent forced into a situation with (family members, familys friends) . Every year I think of so many things that would be great to do with a girlfriend, go to the big park and look at the lights, go skiing, in teh summer go to the beach, summer goes by, christmas and winter goes by, and I am still single. It is just hard sometimes. I really appreciate the replies, and I know this doesnt sound right, but it helps to hear I am not the only one in this boat. I just dont know how to get back my self esteem, my confidense.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Rooster, Thats very brave and quite sensible and all the rest, but can you stick to it ? What if a really cool woman you click with comes into your world ? I have considered making the same decision, but then I think it's up to the universe when and if I meet somone special, not me, and I don't want to close any doors. At this point I don't have a choice but to stick to it, I am closed off emotionally and probably will be for quite some time. I do go out to places where there are single people, but I'm sure I don't stand out because I'm still in a dark place. I do manage to smile and pretend like I am happy, but anyone in their right mind can see through it. I just don't want to jump right back into and emotional relationship until I can iron my own issues out, and I want to make sure that I am comfortable with myself. That's not to say if someone comes along that I'm not going to give them the time of day, but I just don't see myself diving head first into another relationship for a while. Thanks for the feedback BTW
Rooster_DAR Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I see these happy couples and I want that. And I see these girls that get took for granted by their guys, or vice versa, and I dont understand, why some people cant be thankful for love. Yes I see the same things, but I also no that not everyone that projects themselves are happy either, we just see what's presented to us while their in public. And then there are the few who do have solid relationships, the mature people who understand that true love is hard to come by, and protect their commitment with understanding, communication, and sacrifice. I just dont know how to get back my self esteem, my confidense. I am in the same boat with you, it's really tough especially after being in a relationship for a long period of time that your thought was so real. I know I am a great looking guy, I have a great career, and have a good head on my shoulders. But still, something happens when you are left in the ashes of what you thought would be a lifetime commitment, and it plays into you mentally with negative thoughts. I have been working out, which helps quite a bit. I hate going shopping, it reminds me of her too much and how we did all these things together. Something seemingly so innocuous as walking through the bed and bath section at the store, and all you think about is how you bought that new bathroom set together. Ugggg! somebody shoot me already.
melodymatters Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 BANG !!!!!! Hah, tricked ya rooster, it was just a water pistol filled with crown royal ! I think it depends in part who's "fault" it was. My last relationship ended because of of HIS issues and culminated in one instance of physical abuse, so it's MUCH easier to get over it and move on. Also, at first I was going to disagree with your other post, BUT, thinking back, the last 2 serious relationships I had, both guys had been single a WHILE and both used the term that I " broke down their walls". However, I don't think THEY did the work your doing, so the same issues came up in OUR relationships, and thus probably THEIR walls are up again ! Good luck Rooster, you seem like a good guy
Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I was alone for several years after a very painful divorce and looking back, I count them as some of my best years even though they included spending holidays alone. I made good use of the time and solitude to get to really like myself and enjoy my own company. I wouldn't be who I am today without those "lonely" years.
Author rtstamb Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 I just dont understand why its so hard. Its like I cant get a life, I have two jobs, I coach with one and then I have my real job, and both are fun, and time consuming, and people oriented, and i just load myself with stuff to do with that, and try to not give myself that much free time, because i know if im alone, ill be depressed, and just want someone that doesnt exist, that faceless girl i dream about, or think about when i watch a love story or see a couple together... I hate being alone. And its so much harder November through Feb. Thanksgiving, Christmas New Years Valentines Day, Its just really hard.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I just dont understand why its so hard. Its like I cant get a life, I have two jobs, I coach with one and then I have my real job, and both are fun, and time consuming, and people oriented, and i just load myself with stuff to do with that, and try to not give myself that much free time, because i know if im alone, ill be depressed, and just want someone that doesnt exist, that faceless girl i dream about, or think about when i watch a love story or see a couple together... I hate being alone. And its so much harder November through Feb. Thanksgiving, Christmas New Years Valentines Day, Its just really hard. Then I believe this is a good reason for you to be alone, it seems you are not comfortable with it. There are many reasons why this could be happening, but one that sticks out is co-dependence. Did you have any issues growing up? I say you need to learn to be comfortable with yourself before you get into another relationship so you don't rely on the other person to make you happy, and what happens if they break up with you? Are you going to completely fall apart again? If you can get to the point where you feel you can be comfortable with someone breaking up with you to a certain degree, then you may be okay. I understand the lonely thing, it's only been a few months for me and I have days that are excruciating at best. Today was a really bad day for me, I missed my EX terribly, and kept thinking I'm going to be lonely the rest of my life. This is when I fight back with positive statements to myself such as, I am the man...I have a lot going for me.. These things really do help if you practice them. Cheers!
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